quote:

ORIGINAL: fsudot

I'm serious. If I can't keep a friendship going through rough times, should I even still think that I would make a good spouse. I get so tired with trying to keep these toxic friendships going, that it seems to me I have no business even dating, let alone getting married. I can't say it was all my fault that my friendships broke up, but it was partly my fault that I didn't forgive and try to mend things. I wonder if my pride has really brought me to a place of no return. Anyone else struggle with this? Anyone have advice on how to go about fixing things, or even if I should attempt it?

quote:

ORIGINAL: fsudot

I'm serious. If I can't keep a friendship going through rough times, should I even still think that I would make a good spouse. I get so tired with trying to keep these toxic friendships going, that it seems to me I have no business even dating, let alone getting married. I can't say it was all my fault that my friendships broke up, but it was partly my fault that I didn't forgive and try to mend things. I wonder if my pride has really brought me to a place of no return. Anyone else struggle with this? Anyone have advice on how to go about fixing things, or even if I should attempt it?

quote:

And the problem is that people have the tendency to pick certain kinds of people who hurt them over and over again. We have the tendency to fall into certain patterns of choosing hurtful people out of our own character weaknesses over and over again. How do you do with the following questions?

Have you ever noticed that the problems or feelings that you are experiencing in your dating life are the same ones you had in a previous relationship?
Do you find that you continue to pick people to fall in love with or become close friends with who hurt you in some way?
Do you find yourself wondering "are there any 'good ones' out there?"
Do you ever go through periods of emotional turmoil that are the results of picking someone who was not good for you?
Is "how did I get myself into this?" a frequent thing that you wonder?
If you answer "yes" to many of these, it is time to take a look at the ways and reasons you pick people who hurt you. And be sure that God has an interest in helping you to grow out of the pattern.

People who are honest about these patterns have a chance through spiritual growth to change their tendency to get into hurtful relationships. People who do not see that they play a part in the choosing set themselves up for more pain until they discover what is going on. And the change has to do with two areas. One is learning to recognize the character traits of hurtful people, and the other has to do with dealing with your own character issues that make you vulnerable to that kind of relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: fsudot

I'm serious. If I can't keep a friendship going through rough times, should I even still think that I would make a good spouse. I get so tired with trying to keep these toxic friendships going, that it seems to me I have no business even dating, let alone getting married. I can't say it was all my fault that my friendships broke up, but it was partly my fault that I didn't forgive and try to mend things. I wonder if my pride has really brought me to a place of no return. Anyone else struggle with this? Anyone have advice on how to go about fixing things, or even if I should attempt it?

quote:

ORIGINAL: fsudot

I'm serious. If I can't keep a friendship going through rough times, should I even still think that I would make a good spouse. I get so tired with trying to keep these toxic friendships going, that it seems to me I have no business even dating, let alone getting married. I can't say it was all my fault that my friendships broke up, but it was partly my fault that I didn't forgive and try to mend things. I wonder if my pride has really brought me to a place of no return. Anyone else struggle with this? Anyone have advice on how to go about fixing things, or even if I should attempt it?

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ORIGINAL: John_O
For one thing you are comparing apples and oranges. A marriage, while involving friendship, also involves a whole lot more than just a friendship. A marriage is a life long "till death do us part" commitment. If something in a marriage is not working the only way out is to die. So we had better catch flaws early on and make them right.

A friendship does not have anywhere near that commitment level. Friends come and friends go at various times in our lives. Sometimes for reasons we know and sometimes we'll never know the reason.

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ORIGINAL: SavedByGraceMD

I think your biggest problem here, is that you describe your own friendships as "toxic". A friendship should never be toxic. They will take work and a little give and take now and again, but if they turn toxic, it is best you end them.

Besides....this is and should be where you are learning how to build a real friendship, so that when you meet the future spouse, you will no longer have to worry about this. It will just come naturally to you.

I would suggest thinking real hard about which friendships you have that are worth keeping, work on those, and forget those you deem toxic.

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ORIGINAL: Grace-N-Mercy

There are some great books on building effective friendships/relationships. When I was younger, I made a LOT of relationship mistakes. It took a lot for me to turn things around and make better choices. I had those "toxic" friendships too. Some great books are Boundaries, by Cloud & Townsend; Safe People, by Cloud & Townsend; DNA of Relationships, by Smalley; and more. It's never too late to build on relational skills; in fact, we should always be learning and growing.

Even if you're not dating right now (and that might be a good idea if you're not meeting the kinds of people you would want to marry), you can still have opposite-sex friendships. It's important to be able to learn to relate to people on all levels. And you can learn something from every person you meet, whether or not you are dating.

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ORIGINAL: Elena1030
Another book by Drs. Cloud and Townsend that I am enjoying is How People Grow: What the Bible Reveals About Personal Growth.

A "classic" about dealing with being codependent (if that's applicable in your situation, fsudot) is When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man, by Edward T. Welch. (He's got some other great books that might help as well.)

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ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_

Here's an odd question, slightly pertaining to the OP; what would you advise for someone who wasn't an avid self help book reader?

Obviously making friends is hard for some people...especially when said people really want to make friends. So how would you, as their brother and sister advise someone without referring them to a book that could cause even more confusion about oneself, or worse, Scripture?

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ORIGINAL: Grace-N-Mercy

What she said.

I was going to do a little research to come up with a good answer, because re-reading the OP, I couldn't come up with any specific verses or concepts off the top of my head. Well, at least not while I'm writing a career counseling paper at the same time... my brain just wasn't going there.

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ORIGINAL: SavedByGraceMD

I think your biggest problem here, is that you describe your own friendships as "toxic". A friendship should never be toxic.

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ORIGINAL: ajlewis
I think we toss the term "friends" around too lightly I'm always confounded when I hear of a woman being beat-up or abused by her boy"friend" (?!?!) I had to close down several relationships, one after another, with people who did nothing but mooch off me and only wanted favors from me and nothing else. Also, if you are really friends with someone you shouldn't have to say so; its just a foregone understanding between you both. If a woman says to me "...just friends, please" that's just a polite way of saying "get lost, I'm not interested"