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RE: Verbal abuse & ?Manipulation? - 10/9/2009 3:59:38 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 681
Joined: 7/13/2007
From: The South
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From everything you've shared here I really think you'd benefit greatly from reading Disovering the Mind of A Woman by Ken Nair. You can get it HERE in the "materials" section. After about 10+ yrs. experience of reading different marriage help books and several different counselors I'd say this book/ministry is the very best out there. It has helped improve our marriage tremendously.
If you read the book with an open heart I think it will help you better understand your wife and how to make your marriage happier than you ever thought possible. The key, though is to not only read it but to apply what you learn. 
If the last 6 months have been better and you just had one set-back I'd say that's still a lot of improvement. Instead of being afraid of what *might* happen, perhaps it would do more good to focus on the positive.
She's going to counseling and has gone 6 months without a big meltdown, right? That's great progress as far as I can tell.
quote:
cposey:
A little side note here why is it that this man feels abused and yet no one has said get yourself outta there. Isn't that the reaction if the shoe were on the other foot?
I don't see anything here that would lead me to think there's abuse going on. They are in counseling and have been doing better for the last 6 months. She's not violent, he's not afraid for his life, and I don't see emotional/verbal abuse happening in the present.
There's a difference between people having a rough time and treating each other badly. I just don't believe that because someone yells and cusses that it automatically makes them an abuser. Sometimes that is a part of an abusive relationship but IMO that in and of itself isn't neccessarily abusive.
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: Verbal abuse & ?Manipulation? - 10/14/2009 1:39:04 PM
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heremainsfaithful
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/14/2009
From: Alabama
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Hi, I'm new here, but this post struck a chord. For years, I raged at my husband. I wanted marital counseling because HE needed to change. He did things wrong, and I couldn't stand for it. Then I would be okay. For awhile. Then I would be too tired to do the housework. Then the world was an angry place and it was all his fault. He tried so hard to please me, walk on eggshells, be spiritual, pray. He was committed. He loved me. And still I raged, or cried, or slept.
Which brings me to a question someone asked in your post that no one answered....."Could she be bipolar?"
For at least three years my husband begged me to go to a doctor, but that was out of the question. After all, I was a Christian, and the real Christian - the ones God loves - do not have mental illnesses. They just have more quiet times and it all goes away.
It took raging, crying, spending, running, and having an affair for me to FINALLY admit that MAYBE reading My Utmost for His Highest wasn't enough. So I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And yes, I take medicine for it every single day.
I no longer rage. I am a better wife and mother. I don't spend massive amounts of money or wear tight clothing or sleep around. It's amazing. God's Word is still God's Word. He is still faithful and true and all that we need. Thanks be to Him for giving doctors the wisdom to create treament for a medical condition that came close to tearing my family apart.
I guess my long-winded point is that this may be about more than whether or not you are spiritual enough. This may be about something else going on with your wife, and she may need treatment for it. I am not trying to diagnose anyone. I just found it interesting that I saw myself in some of your wife's behavior, and then no one really commented on the bipolar thing, so I thought I throw it out there.
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RE: Verbal abuse & ?Manipulation? - 10/14/2009 8:26:26 PM
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iluvatar
Posts: 3044
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: heremainsfaithful
Which brings me to a question someone asked in your post that no one answered....."Could she be bipolar?".
I suppose anything's possible, but I'm not really qualified to make that assessment. If she's had manic episodes, they've been of the mild "hypomanic" variety.
-Dan.
_____________________________
Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
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RE: Verbal abuse & ?Manipulation? - 10/15/2009 8:57:29 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 8021
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iluvatar
quote:
ORIGINAL: heremainsfaithful
Which brings me to a question someone asked in your post that no one answered....."Could she be bipolar?".
I suppose anything's possible, but I'm not really qualified to make that assessment. If she's had manic episodes, they've been of the mild "hypomanic" variety.
-Dan.
Dan, my wife suffers BP2 and has never gone into full blown mania. However the hypomanic episodes she has are far from "mild." The main difference being she doesn't get delusional or psychotic.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Verbal abuse & ?Manipulation? - 10/19/2009 3:04:06 PM
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GraceyGirl
Posts: 347
Joined: 6/4/2006
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Hi Dan - wanted to weigh in on this with you.
First of all, I'd recommend a book for you to read - The Five Love Languages. I'm by no means advocating your wife or her behaviors, but it's a good place to start when you're trying to understand WHY someone responds, reacts and acts the way she does.
Speaking to her issues wth you as spiritual leadership - I guess the first thought that came to my mind was, "how on earth does she expect him to lead anything when she's busy castrating his spiritual authority?"
If i were a betting woman, I'd bet there are some underlying issues here that have NOTHING at all to do with you. Whether or not she and her mother sat down and "hashed out" anything, it sounds to me like theres some healing that's necessary in this area. Understanding one another is one thing - being healed from wounds inflicted by those closest to us (our parents) is entirely another.
here's an idea - tell her you're willing to consider starting a family if you BOTH get a psych work up. Any psychologist worth his salt can do a personality inventory (MMPI II) and discover whether or not there are psychotic, manic, or other tendencies you need to be concerned about. Women who are mentally unstable (even with mild depression) tend to go one of two ways when pregnant - a LOT better, or a LOT worse. And frankly, you have NO idea which way they're going to go, and once pregnant, you're limited in the chemicals that can be used to treat things like bipolar, manic depressive disorder, etc.
I would also recommend individual therapy for you guys. Keep up with the marriage counseling by all means - but maybe consider finding someone else. You should always ALWAYS research the person who you're going to allow to muck about in your emotions and family life. Seriously. I know there are some limitations, but if you're desiring a whole, healed relationship, there may need to be some sacrifices on your part. There are a LOT of places who will work with you, work out evening hours, etc. Yes, it may take some time. That's ok. It's worth the wait. If you go to www dot AACC dot com, you'll find a therapist link that will help you to find a CHRISTIAN counselor/psychologist in your area. If you have no luck there, check out Focus on the Family. They have a referral system as well.
_____________________________
God called. He'd like His church back.
~John Wimber~
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RE: Verbal abuse & ?Manipulation? - 10/20/2009 2:43:07 AM
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momofkkcg
Posts: 7
Joined: 8/29/2009
Status: offline
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I have found..what I think to be...an amazing tool for helping my marriage...
Love Without Hurt...by Steven Stosny
Great information no matter what side of the hurt you are on...
My husband and I will be attending the Boot Camp in November...which is amazing in itself....I left him over a year ago...he was abusive..every type...I bought my own home and was moving on...but...this book was introduced to us...
check it out..couldn't hurt...
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RE: Verbal abuse & ?Manipulation? - 10/20/2009 11:48:47 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2217
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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I don't have much to say except I am praying, dear Brother, and I would not bring a helpless, unobjective child into this situation - they can't figure out what is going on and think that their home is what the world is like. Horrible training (imagine yourself as a helpless child with a mother like this).
And go find another counselor.
Praying now. May God bring both of you to the place He wants you to be to glorify Him.
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
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RE: Verbal abuse & ?Manipulation? - 10/30/2009 10:16:12 AM
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amarachiudensi
Posts: 2
Joined: 10/27/2009
Status: offline
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Well, that's really bad friend , often, attitudes like these flow from the man but seeing them from the woman................ However, from my experience(as a woman and a recipient of such from my husband) I believe she lacks a reassurance of your love. It is usually easier for a woman to fall for the kind gestures in her man but if she fails to then, check if you have reduced affection you showed prior to marriage and make it up with all patience.
I mustn't fail to remind you that to be on the real safe side(ie regaining your loving relationship) you cannot do without the wisdom of God which only comes through the acceptance of Christ Jesus as one's Personal Lord and Saviour( that was what I did )
Kids can wait at the moment if not she'll be going from mad to wild.
Wishing you the best.
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RE: Verbal abuse & ?Manipulation? - 10/30/2009 11:15:43 AM
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Marcus.
Posts: 2241
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Next to my fireplace.
Status: offline
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Dan ,
I'm sorry to hear your having troubles at home. I don't have much to add but I will be praying for you two. I've been through it and know how wrenching all of it can be.
Here are my two cents. Some people learn to use the status of victim as a way to gain power and control over those around them. If you aren't being the aggressor, then the 'victim' will manipulate you to make you out as the aggressor. Pushing your buttons to get an outburst even if it takes all week. When you notice the pattern and set up boundaries to try to limit the manipulation and outbursts, they respond as if you don't love them or are controlling them. Even going to counselling can became a way that you 'control' her. Your attempts to reason with her become manipulations instead. Eventually nothing you do or say is positive and she is the only one who sees things as they are. You are always wrong or bad. She is always the victim. You are able to see this most clearly with the relationship between the 'victim' and their parents and/or siblings. These are just some observations I had about someone I used to know. She was a professional victim. Her outbursts were always far out of line with the supposed offense of her abuser. Yet if she was the one in charge then none of this happened. It only showed up when she was subordinate.
_____________________________
A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity. -- Sigmund Freud
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RE: Verbal abuse & ?Manipulation? - 11/2/2009 7:55:10 PM
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armywifey
Posts: 55
Joined: 6/11/2009
Status: online
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I know this is an old thread and haven't even read all the replies, including the op's subsequent replies. I just had to say that if you freeze up and let her go on her tirades, then she will continue to do it. Most women will talk trash their man b/c the man ALLOWS it. I wasn't nearly, not even close, anything like your wife with my ex, but there were some things that i would say to my ex (i wasn't saved, i was just a kid) that I could NEVER get away with, with my current husband of 14 yrs. Unless she is bipolar, MOST women like for a man to stand up for himself, MOST women like for a man to have authority, and maybe this is where some of her anger lies? Do not be a doormat, and do not allow her to yell or trash talk you. She will loose respect for you, if you just let her carry on! Trust me, I know what i speak of!
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