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You're not married? Why not?? - 10/5/2009 7:36:36 AM
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serenitynow123
Posts: 82
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This post came from another post, I think there was a woman here that mentioned she's a massage therapist, and gets asked all the time if she's married, and then get a double take when she says "No, she's not"
And that's when go "Huh??" and then ask her a slew of questions as to why she is not.
Then it occurred to me, another factor that was not considered, the OTHER side of the coin. Some of the questions people that they commonly don't ask:
1. How many guys have asked her out?
2. How many has she turned down or blew off?
Those come into play as well as answers to people question, esp.as a woman, as to why you're not married or have a boyfriend.
Would you say key components here? The clientele said she was rather pretty, and they were basing her prettiness on the fact that she should be married (or taken).
This tells me, that:
1. She's so attractive she's intimidating and men don't bother to ask her out.
2. She's so attractive she gets TONS of guys asking her out, but she turns them down frequently.
I think it's the latter though. Because I would imagine there are also a lot of guys that have no problem asking out an attractive woman.
So she asks herself, "So is there something wrong with me?"
Well no, but you have to consider what you contributing to the situation as well. :-)
Does this seem somewhat valid?
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/5/2009 8:09:13 AM
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Konstantinos
Posts: 1349
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From: Greece Patra
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I don't quite get what you are asking but, while I'm not one to pretend and say looks don't matter to me, they of course aren't the only thing a person needs to have in order to get married.
I personally believe I'm quite handsome myself and I've liked girls that I found pretty at times, however that was definitely not enough. So maybe the girl you describe hasn't been "lucky" to find some guy that meets her requirements.
_____________________________
eh.
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/5/2009 8:26:19 AM
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Nige55
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Sure, definately valid points made. I think it also depends on the age of the person making such a comment, - if it's someone of a similar age of the opposite sex, it's usually a compliment, and reveals that perhaps that person is interested and just checking out your availability perhaps.
If it's someone who's more 'senior' and from the same (or sometimes the opposite) sex - it can also be a compliment, but can also be a disguised 'well, hurry up dear !' kind of comment.
You made some great points.
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/5/2009 9:59:37 AM
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rgod
Posts: 1927
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You know, I don't think that physical attractiveness is as big a huge factor in getting asked out or getting married as people think. To be 100% honest with you, just about any woman can look beautiful if she is willing to put some work into it. Makeup, clothes, diet and exercise, and a new hair color (or new hair extensions/weaves) can do wonders - in fact, the eighth wonder of the world should be a makeup bag or spanx :). But, at the end of the day, I think it is all about being approachable. I know someone who is really approachable - makes friends everywhere she goes. She's really nice and opens herself up to be vulnerable - yet she is wise too. She is average in terms of looks, and she keeps herself in shape. She is intelligent, funny, really nice, and fun to be around. Guys flock to her as if they are hungry birds and as if she has a gallon bag of breadcrumbs strapped to her back. They LOVE her. If she wants to, she can easily have many many options for marriage. On the flip side, I know many women who are more attractive and guys might look at them, but not approach.
So, this lady might be attractive, might not be turning down people, but might not be very approachable. Or, she could have a different focus that doesn't include marriage at the moment or might be in places where there aren't many single men. Or, it could be that this is not the season of marriage for her at this time - or 1,000,001 other reasons. I don't think that being single necessarily means that the person is doing something wrong - although it is possible that she might be able to make some changes to the way she goes about her day, if she wanted to increase her odds of meeting more men.
< Message edited by rgod -- 10/5/2009 10:19:28 AM >
_____________________________
We are His portion and He is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes! If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking ...
- Kim Walker "How He Loves Us"
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/5/2009 3:04:15 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7800
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rgod
You know, I don't think that physical attractiveness is as big a huge factor in getting asked out or getting married as people think. To be 100% honest with you, just about any woman can look beautiful if she is willing to put some work into it. Makeup, clothes, diet and exercise, and a new hair color (or new hair extensions/weaves) can do wonders - in fact, the eighth wonder of the world should be a makeup bag or spanx :).
All of those things go to physical attractiveness. It is true that almost any woman can look really good if she takes the care to do so. Unfortunately many don't care to do so.
quote:
But, at the end of the day, I think it is all about being approachable.
This is true but incomplete. (more later)
quote:
I know someone who is really approachable - ..... She is average in terms of looks, and she keeps herself in shape.
So she is acceptable looking and approachable. best of all worlds.
quote:
On the flip side, I know many women who are more attractive and guys might look at them, but not approach.
So she looks good but is not approachable. She won't usually get approached.
Now look at the third case, not physically attractive. (the dreaded third rail of relationship discussions)
Men tend to be visual. The best looking options are always investigated first. When shopping for cars it is the better looking (good paint, no signs of abnormal wear or accident, good styling) cars that get test driven first. Most guys won't even look at a car that shows it's not been cared for.
I know. The ladies will say that finding a wife is not like shopping for a car. But in the initial stages it's exactly like shopping for a car. We look for what looks good to us. The fact that it runs like a top and fits us perfectly may never be discovered if the body's in bad shape. (Since we normally don't look any further than the surface until teh surface is acceptable).
So what is a woman to do? Take care of herself, exercise and get in shape and dress attractively, get a flattering hair style, smile a lot. Every woman is beautiful to some man, but a woman can expand her circle of attractiveness by doing the best with what she has.
(Sorry for the rant but this has been on my mind a lot lately. I run across so many women who don't take care of themselves yet complain that no one asks them out. Well D'uh. Marriage requires us to take care of ourselves for our spouse. We may as well start right now.)
quote:
I don't think that being single necessarily means that the person is doing something wrong - although it is possible that she might be able to make some changes to the way she goes about her day, if she wanted to increase her odds of meeting more men.
Agreed.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/5/2009 6:50:12 PM
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dnp200450
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Another factor could be her occupation, many men may not comfortable with their wife/husband/BF/GF being a massage therapist. I know it sounds crazy but I have heard many people say disparaging things about massage therapist.
Taking it to an even greater extreme I have known people in church who told me they would "allow" their spouse to work in the medical field (doctor/nurse/CNA, etc.) if their job entailed viewing or handling naked people of the opposite gender. Granted they were pretty conservative but I find these viewpoints even in some of the current Christian forums I read. Since massage therapy involves a great deal of touching of people wearing very little or no clothing under sheets I could see some people have hangups about it.
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/5/2009 9:37:34 PM
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willfs
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
So what is a woman to do? Take care of herself, exercise and get in shape and dress attractively, get a flattering hair style, smile a lot. Every woman is beautiful to some man, but a woman can expand her circle of attractiveness by doing the best with what she has.
John, I have three reactions.
I agree.
But you didn't answer the question, you only talked about why you see certain woman as not finding a mate.
So why are you single?
I think there are a mixture of reasons I am not single: I am picky. I am fickle. I am not that aggressive or assertive. I lacked social confidence for too long in my life. I live in a town where the singles scene is small. I am afraid of getting hurt. I am afriad of being vulnerable. I am self conscious. I am too senstive.
I am not all of the above all of the time but those things have affected me over my life.
_____________________________
If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/5/2009 10:05:04 PM
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dinita777
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Joined: 7/21/2009
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There is a really good article on the Singles archives page that addresses this very issue. It´s called "The Truth of Who We Are" by Hudson Russell Davis:
"The truth is we may be pretty and still single, handsome and still single, smart and still single. We may be fat, thin, tall, or short, and still be single. If we expect that being in one or the other of these categories is all that we need, we are deluded and these false expectations will yield bitter disappointment"
It's an awesome article! It has helped me with a lot of wrong thinking!
anyway, I have always been seen as unapproachable and stuck-up. I was told I was pretty but guys were/are scared of me. I was simply extremely shy but tried to act like I just didn't care if someone talked to me. It was a defense mechanism. I had lots of friends who were always more outgoing than I so it became easy to fade into the woodwork and just hang back. Sometimes we judge the outer appearance too hastily. If guys would just man up they would probably find and exceptional woman! Same goes for us ladies :)
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/5/2009 10:08:58 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7800
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: willfs
John, I have three reactions.
I agree.
But you didn't answer the question, you only talked about why you see certain woman as not finding a mate.
So why are you single?
Oops. I did miss that didn't I.
Plainly and simply I've not met anyone who fits me who's interested in me. My town is small and I just haven't met anyone interesting here in the four years I've been looking. Hopefully I'll get some help soon from all the supposed matchmakers around here.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/5/2009 10:34:17 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 4012
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I've got issues!
_____________________________
Search me, Oh God, and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me, and
Lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139:22-24
-------------------------------------
Go Steelers!!!
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/5/2009 10:42:16 PM
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solo_soprano23
Posts: 2081
Joined: 4/27/2005
From: I'm a Southern girl
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: serenitynow123
This post came from another post, I think there was a woman here that mentioned she's a massage therapist, and gets asked all the time if she's married, and then get a double take when she says "No, she's not"
And that's when go "Huh??" and then ask her a slew of questions as to why she is not.
Then it occurred to me, another factor that was not considered, the OTHER side of the coin. Some of the questions people that they commonly don't ask:
1. How many guys have asked her out?
2. How many has she turned down or blew off?
Those come into play as well as answers to people question, esp.as a woman, as to why you're not married or have a boyfriend.
Would you say key components here? The clientele said she was rather pretty, and they were basing her prettiness on the fact that she should be married (or taken).
This tells me, that:
1. She's so attractive she's intimidating and men don't bother to ask her out.
2. She's so attractive she gets TONS of guys asking her out, but she turns them down frequently.
I think it's the latter though. Because I would imagine there are also a lot of guys that have no problem asking out an attractive woman.
So she asks herself, "So is there something wrong with me?"
Well no, but you have to consider what you contributing to the situation as well. :-)
Does this seem somewhat valid?
Some women don't want a boyfriend or husband. Some women can't find a suitable man (or one who's willing to commit), even if they want a boyfriend or husband. I've been told I'm intimidating to men, but I don't do anything to be this way.  I have a boyfriend now, but my family members would say that pretty women can intimidate men (they think I'm pretty but they are my family, lol)... I do understand that, because I think that's why some pretty females don't get asked out much. So, that asking out an attractive woman thing... I don't agree with that. I think a lot of them are not approached as often as people think. Or it's possible that they are approached a lot, but by men who are creepy. I got asked out a ton in the past, but the guys were scary; I know once this guy asked me out and was telling me about parts of his anatomy. 
_____________________________
For God, For Learning, Forever.
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/6/2009 12:44:10 AM
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trinigirl722
Posts: 578
Joined: 4/8/2007
From: Dallas, TX
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quote:
ORIGINAL: solo_soprano23
I've been told I'm intimidating to men, but I don't do anything to be this way. I have a boyfriend now, but my family members would say that pretty women can intimidate men (they think I'm pretty but they are my family, lol)... I do understand that, because I think that's why some pretty females don't get asked out much. So, that asking out an attractive woman thing... I don't agree with that. I think a lot of them are not approached as often as people think. Or it's possible that they are approached a lot, but by men who are creepy. I got asked out a ton in the past, but the guys were scary; I know once this guy asked me out and was telling me about parts of his anatomy.
The same thing has occurred to me, and I think if the woman is physically attractive plus accomplished (smart, high achiever, etc.), that narrows the field for her even more in terms of men who feel comfortable approaching her. I have observed many average-looking women ending up in relationships while more attractive women are still single. What I see is that when women are relaxed and friendly, people can feel comfortable around them, so they have attracted someone. Whereas maybe a more physically attractive but more serious woman isn't approached as much because men might feel intimidated (except for someone who's aggressive and has a poor sense of boundaries).
_____________________________
Save the earth! It's the only planet known to have chocolate.
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/6/2009 1:47:03 AM
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solo_soprano23
Posts: 2081
Joined: 4/27/2005
From: I'm a Southern girl
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: trinigirl722
quote:
ORIGINAL: solo_soprano23
I've been told I'm intimidating to men, but I don't do anything to be this way. I have a boyfriend now, but my family members would say that pretty women can intimidate men (they think I'm pretty but they are my family, lol)... I do understand that, because I think that's why some pretty females don't get asked out much. So, that asking out an attractive woman thing... I don't agree with that. I think a lot of them are not approached as often as people think. Or it's possible that they are approached a lot, but by men who are creepy. I got asked out a ton in the past, but the guys were scary; I know once this guy asked me out and was telling me about parts of his anatomy.
The same thing has occurred to me, and I think if the woman is physically attractive plus accomplished (smart, high achiever, etc.), that narrows the field for her even more in terms of men who feel comfortable approaching her. I have observed many average-looking women ending up in relationships while more attractive women are still single. What I see is that when women are relaxed and friendly, people can feel comfortable around them, so they have attracted someone. Whereas maybe a more physically attractive but more serious woman isn't approached as much because men might feel intimidated (except for someone who's aggressive and has a poor sense of boundaries).
Ditto about the narrowed field. My boyfriend now didn't know anything about me when he met me, but I greatly appreciate that he's not threatened by my education-- and the fact that I have more of it than he does (or whatever about it that drives men away). I know so many women in graduate school, who want to get married but don't even have a prospect to date. Sometimes I'll see people meet in grad/medical/pharm school, but if they don't meet someone like that... they barely get asked out. Some of them will make the comment that as they go on, the field narrows more and more. Odd thing is, many of them, like me, don't care if the person isn't in their field or if they have less education. They don't pick and choose people based on how many degrees the person has, but I've gotten plenty of earfuls about dating someone "below" me. How nice. 
And ditto to the bolded part as well. My mom was saying the other day how she sees so many
_____________________________
For God, For Learning, Forever.
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/6/2009 2:34:41 AM
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Jayelle79
Posts: 47
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
quote:
ORIGINAL: Konstantinos
I don't quite get what you are asking <snip>
Yeah... me neither.
Are we discussing this woman's situation? Or general observations about being asked out (or doing the asking)? Or why we singles are still not married? 
I am the MT this thread is referring to. Are we discussing my situation? Or did the OP mean to use my post as a hypothetical situation? Clarification would be greatly appreciated.
< Message edited by Jayelle79 -- 10/6/2009 2:49:18 AM >
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/6/2009 8:20:37 AM
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serenitynow123
Posts: 82
Joined: 1/16/2009
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Interesting responses.....I happened along this one woman's profile....VERY attractive - her main profile pic in a bikini, laying in the surf on the beach...nice pose....but it was in good taste though. Nothing risque.
Living in the a rural area...or somewhat small of an area, probably early 30's, works as a store clerk.
She proclaims she's a Christian in her profile, then I saw some of her blogs, one blog indicating getting strange comments like, "Why are you still single??"
Here is her addressing this.
I would like to add that I get asked all the time why I am still single, or why I don't date. People also like to make statements such as when you have kids…. or, when you get married…… and frankly it gets a little annoying. There are a lot of reasons as to why I "don't date" and this being only one. When the right guy asks I will say yes (if I can speak at all). I do NOT have commitment issues and I am NOT opposes to dating. I just see no sense in settling for someone who I know is no good for me, can't be real, or is on a whole other playing field.
The part in BOLD is what got my attention, not the "why am I STILL single part", I mean, I'm still single and I have my reasons.
But, when she said people wonder why she doesn't date....I think there's something a bit off there...and this probably suggests why she's STILL single.....it's a no brainer...she doesn't DATE, thus if you don't DATE.....you'll ALWAYS be single.
Then she explains WHY she doesn't date, "When the RIGHT guy asks me out, I will say YES"
Okay, that's what we call a PARADOX.
So apparently, "Mr. RIGHT" has to ask her out....the problem here is and probably she is not aware of....that she'll never KNOW if the "RIGHT" guy asks here out. You won't know that until you actually DATE them...but wait.....she doesn't date.
I never actually met a woman that said they "don't date". I find that rather odd.
Then she concludes:
As for the marriage and kids…if it is Gods will, and in His time, so everyone can get off my butt about it. I don't NEED someone to make me happy or keep me amused. I can do that myself. What I want is honesty and respect from someone with common belief and goal. So what if I never find it, maybe I will in fact die alone . I would much rather die alone than be mistreated and lied to! If I am to be with someone I will know he is the one when I can trust that he will never do me wrong. So you think you have a chance…. If you are who you say you are….I say prove It!
So, I emailed her to "prove it", I was promptly ignored. (another reason she's still single, and probably, as she says, WILL die alone with that attitude, not being mean, but just reinforcing THAT statement.....lol)
Personally, I'm surprised Christian women would be happy dying alone. Unless she's just coming off like it doesn't bother her, but I think it eventually will bother her. I think it bothers everyone....everyone gets lonely and want's a companion.
(When I said I emailed her to prove it, I emailed her thinking I could get to know her)
And she lives in a small community, so she might want to consider relocating.
Then, in some of her other blogs, I was putting 2 and 2 together, she starts talking about "hot guys" and stuff.
The fact that in advertisements there's Hot guys in the pictures, the handy man looks hot, she even saw some cute guys in a contractor truck, and she was saying, "Why can't I ever get a hot guy come over to work on my house? He's always some old, overweight guy.
Or something to that affect, so it appears she's obsessed with looks. She saw some repair guys in a truck in traffic by her, really HOT guys....but she says "When I call for a contractor to do home repairs. Why can't a HOT repairman show up to repair my stuff?"
So, you can see where I'm going here. If you dedicate a blog, complaining about why hot guys dont' show up to repair your plumbing or fix a leak....then that's ONE of the issues there.
And typically, in small communities, most of the "beautiful people" are spoken for, married just out of highschool, and had 3 kids already.
She should take a look at the "Settling" thread, she might want to consider "Settling".
< Message edited by serenitynow123 -- 10/6/2009 8:48:58 AM >
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/6/2009 8:50:05 AM
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John_O
Posts: 7800
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: serenitynow123
Interesting responses.....I happened along this one woman's profile....VERY attractive - her main profile pic in a bikini, laying in the surf on the beach...nice pose....but it was in good taste though. Nothing risque.
rather shapely, too, lol). Living in the a rural area...or somewhat small of an area, probably early 30's, works as a store clerk.
Hmmmm, what rural area? 
quote:
Here is her addressing this.
Then she explains WHY she doesn't date, "When the RIGHT guy asks me out, I will say YES"
Okay, that's what we call a PARADOX.
So apparently, "Mr. RIGHT" has to ask her out....the problem here is and probably she is not aware of....that she'll never KNOW if the "RIGHT" guy asks here out. You won't know that until you actually DATE them...but wait.....she doesn't date.
I kind of think that she doesn't "not date" but that she doesn't "casually date". That is, if a guy comes along who could be mr right she'll date him to explore if he's really a good fit.
I'm very much like that. If the woman is not a good fit, why bother wasting time dating her? I already know she's not going to be the next Mrs John_O. KWIM?
quote:
And typically, in small communities, most of the "beautiful people" are spoken for, married just out of highschool, and had 3 kids already.
She should take a look at the "Settling" thread, she might want to consider "Settling".
But would she be happy settling for someone who didn't fit what she was looking for? Probably not. Again, I'm that way. I'm picky and wouldn't be happy with someone who I didn't find attractive. And more importantly, I couldn't make them happy if they were not attractive to me as they could never live up to my expectations. One brief glimpse of disappointment or disatisfaction can ruin several months of hard work building up a woman.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/6/2009 10:55:10 AM
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serenitynow123
Posts: 82
Joined: 1/16/2009
Status: offline
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John, _ hmmmm....okay, that means you'rel ike her, and I'm complaining about her unrealistic expectations....well, HERS seem unrealistic.
She wants a "gorgeous" man, so you want a perfect 10 woman?
She just sounds rather superficial, heck, she even ignored my email...so sometimes being Christian isnt' enough, and not being, for example 6 feet tall, broad shouldered, nice jawline is a deal breaker for some.
Just saying, they don't want any Average Joes
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/6/2009 11:21:55 AM
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jesuschick247
Posts: 3412
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quote:
Just saying, they don't want any Average Joes
Serenity, I do kind of want to address what you were talking about.
I am 20 and get asked all the time why I don't have a boyfriend. Because people think I'm so pretty that I should have one already. My answer? I haven't met one I want to date seriously, yet. And it's not over superficial reasons either. I have been around guys in general long enough to know what I want, what God wants for me. Do I think I'll marry a guy that looks like Brad Pitt? No. Not really. But that doesn't even matter. I want a guy who is sweet, is called into the ministry, has a great sense of humor, a guy who gets me for who I am. And I want a guy who I can get for who he is. The say that love isn't finding the perfect person, it's loving an imperfect person perfectly. The looks, God will work that out. The guy may not be a stud or hot in everyone else's eyes, but he will be gorgeous in mine...because I will love his heart more than I love his face.
So, do I just turn down all guys who ask me out? Yes and no. I talk to them and try to get to know them a little better, then I figure out if they are potentials or not. I've met one who has a lot of potential and even though he's not as cute as some guys...I think he's adorable. Because of who he is as a person. Because, of his sense of humor, because he doesn't take himself seriously. But, I never would have known that if I hadn't gotten to know him. If I had only gone on what I thought of him on the outside, I would have never met this great guy.
All I'm trying to say is, knowing what you want...that's not all bad. It's when you are so stuck in your ideas that you won't let God move your heart that it becomes dangerous. But, I don't think you should just go out with whoever either. As with all things in life, pray about it. Never make any discisions without taking them before the Lord. That's how I roll, anyways. 
I hope some of that mades sense...LOL!
_____________________________
"I know it sounds crazy, 'cause it's been so long. But you're standing here before me and I can't move on without knowing you're surviving and you'll be okay."-Jonny Diaz-
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