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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/8/2009 3:50:21 PM
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solo_soprano23
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From: I'm a Southern girl
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
ORIGINAL: solo_soprano23
I also find it disturbing that men can say they want a woman that's whatever way physically, but if a woman says that about a man around here, she's in the wrong. Sounds like a bit of a double standard. If a man wants a skinny woman or whatever physically, I don't mind that... he might be limiting himself and never find a physically perfect-to-him woman. But if a woman wants a cute-to-her guy, it's just the most terrible thing; we are just supposed to take what comes to us I guess. Men don't have to though... they get to be picky about physical characteristics. I know people will come along and say they don't see what I'm talking about. But read John's posts, then read Serenity's.
I don't recall EVER saying, here or anywhere else, that a owman had to settle for less than what she wanted. If she wants a guy that she considers "hot" then she needs to go get her a "hot" one. Why would anyone, man or woman, settle for someone who didn't think they were great? In fact I have said many times on these very same forums that if I expect her to look good on the beach I had better look good on the beach.
Everyone gets to be picky about physical characteristics. Why wouldn't they be?
(Now I have said (and thank God for the fact) that most women are not as visual as most men. A woman many times will consider a man's inner qualities as out weighing his external looks to the degree that an average guy would look "hot" to her because of who he was. (there's hope for me yet!))
I didn't say that's what you said. I just said if anyone doesn't see what I'm talking about, to read your posts then immediately to read serenity's. More than often you talk about how good-looking a female needs to be for a man and yourself, which is fine if that's what you want. Then serenity comes along saying how she (the subject of the thread) can't get a man because she wants a "hot" man. So men can go out trying to find Miss Physically Perfect for His Eyes-- who also needs to work off her behind so a man will look at her, but if a woman wants a hot man who works off HIS behind so SHE'll look at HIM, it just ain't right...and it's apparently the reason why she doesn't have a date? If that's true, then that's the reason why many a man doesn't have a date either. Nothing wrong with desires, but if you have a long list and all of them are necessities (non-compromising points), then you have to realize that you might not find it and you might not date much. But I don't see why the woman is getting flack for this, but a man is free to do this all he wants.
...smells like a double standard.
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For God, For Learning, Forever.
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/8/2009 4:28:32 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7801
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
ALso, it's a slow day at the office and my mind tends to wander...LOL!
I try not to let mine do that. It's much too small to be out on it's own
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/8/2009 4:32:58 PM
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John_O
Posts: 7801
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: solo_soprano23
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
I don't recall EVER saying, here or anywhere else, that a owman had to settle for less than what she wanted. If she wants a guy that she considers "hot" then she needs to go get her a "hot" one.
I didn't say that's what you said.
But it was very strongly implied.
quote:
More than often you talk about how good-looking a female needs to be for a man and yourself, which is fine if that's what you want.
Again, I have not said that. I have said that she needs to be good looking for me. I can't speak to how good looking she'd need to be for anyone else.
I have stated that most men these days prefer a woman who is in shape but each man has his own definition of what in shape is. (In shape does not necessarily mean good looking)
quote:
But I don't see why the woman is getting flack for this, but a man is free to do this all he wants.
...smells like a double standard.
I agree. A double standard was set up. But I did not do the setting of it.
Everyone has the right to be picky.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/8/2009 5:41:03 PM
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willfs
Posts: 555
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Really, I am curious. I wonder what goes through the minds of men who are very sought after. I mean, you had always said chicks dig you, and so, I'm curious....is that the reason why you're single? But no need to reply. I read your post. And also, I really don't know much about you to know if that was tongue in cheek or not.
Where did you get this idea? I am just wondering, not disagreeing.
quote:
ORIGINAL: WilliamtheConqueror
Q; You're not married? Why not??
A: "He who marries her who is divorced committeth adultery."
I don't agree with that interpretation of scripture, even if it is written in king james english.
_____________________________
If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/8/2009 5:43:27 PM
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willfs
Posts: 555
Joined: 12/28/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
Everyone has the right to be picky.
Yeah, I agree. I mean if someone really wants your help as to why they are single and you feel they are being too picky then you might say something. Otherwise, if they want to be picky, that is there perogative.
I would rather be single until I die than to settle. I am sure the next life has something just as good or better than marriage.
_____________________________
If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/8/2009 7:24:12 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2625
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Solo, serenitynow is a guy. That may help your perspective.
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Wizard's rule #1 .People can be stupid and willfully deceived (that's from the book, not the show)..slightly edited for CW
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/8/2009 7:41:44 PM
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solo_soprano23
Posts: 2082
Joined: 4/27/2005
From: I'm a Southern girl
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
Solo, serenitynow is a guy. That may help your perspective.
I knew. :) It's confusing because I talk about the woman in the OP, but I mean the woman that is the subject of this thread... the one that Serenity is speaking of.
I was not-so-cleary wondering why Serenity seems to be taken back by the fact that this woman is looking for a "hot" man as one of the reasons she doesn't date much. Lol.
_____________________________
For God, For Learning, Forever.
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/8/2009 8:05:45 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 8033
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SamsonUSA
I also strongly believe that people can sense when someone is overly anxious or desperately seeking someone. How many times have you said or heard someone say over the years "Why does is it seem that now that I am in a relationship all of these other romantic opportunites are suddenly present? Where were all of these dating opportunites when I was available?"
I haven't heard it...I've said it...frequently. 
Very frustrating.
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When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/8/2009 8:27:02 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 4012
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SamsonUSA
quote:
Oh rather presumptuous of you to say I'm not curious. Really, I am curious. I wonder what goes through the minds of men who are very sought after. I mean, you had always said chicks dig you, and so, I'm curious....is that the reason why you're single?
In general many men and women tend to desire things that they cannot have. If a woman finds out a single straight man is off limits many will want to know why and take it as a challenge.
I also strongly believe that people can sense when someone is overly anxious or desperately seeking someone. How many times have you said or heard someone say over the years "Why does is it seem that now that I am in a relationship all of these other romantic opportunities are suddenly present? Where were all of these dating opportunities when I was available?"
quote:
And also, I really don't know much about you to know if that was tongue in cheek or not.
Yes you do and I'm not buying it. You are just being fiesty. But thats OK PH. If need be I'll be a punching bag for a friend to take her frustrations out on. 
Whoa Dude, I'd never use a 240 lb man as a punching bag, lest I'm suicidal!
And no, I don't think people can always see when someone is anxious or desperate. I mean, I've always wanted to be with someone, but my friends (all friends) say that I seem to have no interest in men whatsoever.
And if I want a challenge, I'd climb a mountain. It's much much less complicated than chasing a man!
_____________________________
Search me, Oh God, and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me, and
Lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139:22-24
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Go Steelers!!!
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/8/2009 8:37:45 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 18172
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Here . . . but subject to change; stay tuned
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Aww, Tink. 
This has been a most unusual thread to read; what with all the twists and turns and what not.
quote:
ORIGINAL: serenitynow123
So apparently, "Mr. RIGHT" has to ask her out....the problem here is and probably she is not aware of....that she'll never KNOW if the "RIGHT" guy asks here out. You won't know that until you actually DATE them...but wait.....she doesn't date. Actually, that's not completely accurate.
There are some people who do not date to get to know someone; rather they date after they have gotten to know someone (and also as to whether they are Mr. or Mrs. Right). It's completely possible. (speaking as one who personally lived and experience that).
And . . . given the dates that I've been on this summer (with men that I didn't "know" before going on a date with them), I'm currently somewhat inclined to go back to "know them before you date the" philosophy. It's much less complicated.
quote:
ORIGINAL: serenitynow123
I never actually met a woman that said they "don't date". I find that rather odd. While it would be inaccurate for me to say that I don't date (as in "ever" or "no more"), I can definitely say that I have gone through rather long seasons of time in my life where I consciously and intentionally didn't date, and said so when asked about it.
As to the question being asked, "You're not married? Why not?" . . . Throughout the years, I have periodically been asked that; and this summer, I was asked that quite a few times by different people (both men and women and by both married and single men; 2 of the single men who asked me that also expressed their interest in me). The question was never asked in an insulting way and the people's follow-up comments were very nice, encouraging and even a few of them were quite complimentary.
Depending on who the person was doing the asking, I answered in different ways (each one truthful; but some people don't need to know some of my more personal reasons).
What I get more than the above question is "When are you going to get married again?" Or, "You should think about getting married again." Although, it's only been in the past year that such questions or comments have been offered to me. I usually just deflect those and change the subject.
.
< Message edited by WhiteRoseBlessings -- 10/8/2009 8:44:44 PM >
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/8/2009 8:45:57 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 18172
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Oops, I forgot something . . .
quote:
ORIGINAL: serenitynow123
I never actually met a woman that said they "don't date". I find that rather odd. Sincere and curious question, please . . .Why do you find it odd that a woman would choose not to date?
_____________________________
❖ Let's Discuss the Advent Season ❖
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/8/2009 9:26:11 PM
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dnp200450
Posts: 397
Joined: 5/30/2009
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I have never had anyone ask me that question. Actually my parents and pastor taught us from a young age that asking personal questions such as, "why are you not married" is rude, intrusive and in bad taste. It is bad as asking a married couple, "why don't you two have any children?" Or asking a widow/widower, "why don't you get married again?" It is just something we never did. We were taught:
A) It was none of our business.
B) Would you really want someone to ask YOU a lot of personal questions?
C) A person can become nervous when you start prying in to their personal life.
D) You may not be prepared for the answer they may give you.
E) The more personal the question the deeper, the deeper the wounds you will opening up.
So prying was a big no-no. Of course if someone asked us for advice or our opinion we would give it. That being said, we never would go up to a Brother or Sister and ask them personal/intimate questions. If they were harming anyone you always have to respect peoples boundaries and privacy. That is why I am surprised to hear from so many of you that people would actually ask you such a question.
< Message edited by dnp200450 -- 10/8/2009 9:42:08 PM >
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/8/2009 10:26:17 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 4012
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
ALso, it's a slow day at the office and my mind tends to wander...LOL!
I try not to let mine do that. It's much too small to be out on it's own
I've lost my mind way too many times before but always managed to find it back, so, I don't mind letting it wander around anymore.
_____________________________
Search me, Oh God, and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me, and
Lead me in the way everlasting Psalm 139:22-24
-------------------------------------
Go Steelers!!!
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/9/2009 1:14:11 PM
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solo_soprano23
Posts: 2082
Joined: 4/27/2005
From: I'm a Southern girl
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dnp200450
I have never had anyone ask me that question. Actually my parents and pastor taught us from a young age that asking personal questions such as, "why are you not married" is rude, intrusive and in bad taste. It is bad as asking a married couple, "why don't you two have any children?" Or asking a widow/widower, "why don't you get married again?" It is just something we never did. We were taught:
A) It was none of our business.
B) Would you really want someone to ask YOU a lot of personal questions?
C) A person can become nervous when you start prying in to their personal life.
D) You may not be prepared for the answer they may give you.
E) The more personal the question the deeper, the deeper the wounds you will opening up.
So prying was a big no-no. Of course if someone asked us for advice or our opinion we would give it. That being said, we never would go up to a Brother or Sister and ask them personal/intimate questions. If they were harming anyone you always have to respect peoples boundaries and privacy. That is why I am surprised to hear from so many of you that people would actually ask you such a question.
True. I have some health problems that prevent me from being able to have a healthy marriage. I was telling my mom just the other day that if this current relationship ends, I just won't try anymore. I go to doctors... I'm basically poor trying to get physical therapy/shots/pills/creams and all this other stuff, but nothing's guaranteed. I've been sick these 23 years, and through all my years of treatment I only get so much better. I always say people shouldn't take for granted the ability to get married and have a healthy relationship, because a lot of women can't do that.
I try to get my mind off things by doing other things, but even with my girlfriends we end up talking about marriage and kids, and more than likely I'll never be able to have that, but they can. Sigh.
Sometimes I think it's just best to leave it alone. If people don't date, then they have their own reasons, and I've learned from having this kind of illness that questions like that can hurt someone just like asking a couple who's infertile why they don't have kids. Of ccourse, there are other reasons why people don't date, but because it's a situation where it could be anything, I just wouldn't ask. When people asked me, I just made up something instead of giving them an earful of my health issues. 
< Message edited by solo_soprano23 -- 10/9/2009 1:32:46 PM >
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/9/2009 3:25:13 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 18172
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{{{Solo}}} Just because.
quote:
ORIGINAL: dnp200450
I have never had anyone ask me that question. Actually my parents and pastor taught us from a young age that asking personal questions such as, "why are you not married" is rude, intrusive and in bad taste. It is bad as asking a married couple, "why don't you two have any children?" Or asking a widow/widower, "why don't you get married again?" It is just something we never did. We were taught:
A) It was none of our business.
B) Would you really want someone to ask YOU a lot of personal questions?
C) A person can become nervous when you start prying in to their personal life.
D) You may not be prepared for the answer they may give you.
E) The more personal the question the deeper, the deeper the wounds you will opening up.
So prying was a big no-no. Of course if someone asked us for advice or our opinion we would give it. That being said, we never would go up to a Brother or Sister and ask them personal/intimate questions. If they were harming anyone you always have to respect peoples boundaries and privacy. That is why I am surprised to hear from so many of you that people would actually ask you such a question. I agree . . . we (as in anyone) need to be careful with the questions we ask of each other. Some things are just none of our business; and some of our ponderings can be very painful for someone to experience.
However, I'm also discovering that sometimes, there is much compassion behind those questions; not a spirit of noseyness or judgment.
Regarding the people who asked me this summer why I wasn't married, everyone of them are from a culture that is highly family-oriented. I could see in their faces and hear in the tone of their voices that they were asking out of compassion for me. I had to take that into consideration.
As to the people asking me when I'm going to get married again or stating that I need to think about getting married again . . . again, I have to take into consideration who these people are to me and what their motivation behind such questions / statements are. Everyone who has asked / said such a thing has been someone in my life that is very dear to me. They're doing it out of love for me and not to be rude. They saw what I went through after CS's death; and I know they have my best interest at heart.
That doesn't always make it easy for me; but I do feel that I have to have some compassion toward them when they bring up such subjects.
Fortunately, no one who isn't in "my immediate circle" has brought up the subject of my getting married again. A few of them have asked me why I'm not married; and it's been more of a noseyness thing that anything else. For those people, I just change the subject and move on. If they insist, then I'll simply let them know that the topic's not up for discussion. I don't have to be fodder for someone's sense of gossip or drama.
_____________________________
❖ Let's Discuss the Advent Season ❖
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/9/2009 8:29:48 PM
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Lea_3
Posts: 299
Joined: 3/7/2006
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WhiteRose has some wise words. I think as singles, we are all too often worried about what others think of us, instead of worrying about how we should conduct ourselves in a Christian manner to tells everyone "it doesn't matter that I'm single."
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/12/2009 11:33:11 AM
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dnp200450
Posts: 397
Joined: 5/30/2009
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quote:
I always say people shouldn't take for granted the ability to get married and have a healthy relationship, because a lot of women can't do that.
People should not ask the marriage question to men either. Many men are infertile, impotent or can have a myriad of urological disorders and syndromes that can make a normal marriage impossible. Men know that most women want children. If a man knows he can't function or father children he will frequently give up on women altogether. He knows a problem in that department could be the ultimate deal breaker.
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/12/2009 5:32:31 PM
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dnp200450
Posts: 397
Joined: 5/30/2009
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With Christian men many people will just jump to the conclusion that he is a closet homosexual. If he asked about marriage directly and does not give an answer. People will see that as a positive confirmation that he is in fact gay
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/13/2009 10:42:43 PM
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dinita777
Posts: 40
Joined: 7/21/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dnp200450
quote:
I always say people shouldn't take for granted the ability to get married and have a healthy relationship, because a lot of women can't do that.
People should not ask the marriage question to men either. Many men are infertile, impotent or can have a myriad of urological disorders and syndromes that can make a normal marriage impossible. Men know that most women want children. If a man knows he can't function or father children he will frequently give up on women altogether. He knows a problem in that department could be the ultimate deal breaker.
But not all women have to be impregnated to be a mother. If you don´t give someone a chance to say "lets's adopt" then you may miss out on a good thing. No one should just give up on something they want, especially a Christian. Communication,people, communication!!!!!!
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RE: You're not married? Why not?? - 10/14/2009 12:17:30 PM
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dnp200450
Posts: 397
Joined: 5/30/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dinita777
quote:
ORIGINAL: dnp200450
quote:
I always say people shouldn't take for granted the ability to get married and have a healthy relationship, because a lot of women can't do that.
People should not ask the marriage question to men either. Many men are infertile, impotent or can have a myriad of urological disorders and syndromes that can make a normal marriage impossible. Men know that most women want children. If a man knows he can't function or father children he will frequently give up on women altogether. He knows a problem in that department could be the ultimate deal breaker.
But not all women have to be impregnated to be a mother. If you don´t give someone a chance to say "lets's adopt" then you may miss out on a good thing. No one should just give up on something they want, especially a Christian. Communication,people, communication!!!!!!
You are very correct! Adoption is a great choice. I have adopted relatives myself.
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