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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 3:48:15 PM
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Ellie-Mae
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Well, I have 5 kids and there is no way that I can keep up with them if they don't help. I cannot make and change their beds, pick up their toys, clean all the bathrooms, keep up with all their laundry, find all their shoes, pair all their socks, pick up all their toys in the gym and outside, comb their hair, find their back packs, clean their fish tanks, clean all the jam globs off the floor and counters, pack all their clothes for trips make sure that all their clothes get into the laundry, make all the dinners, do all the shopping, plan all the lessons, find all their pencils and erasers, and books, and papers, and crayons, and pencil sharpeners, and make sure that they get back to where they belong, find all their manipulatives, make sure they all get baths, put away the food, put thee milk back in the fridge, wash the walls, weed the garden and all the other things that need to be done to make the house flow smoothly oon a daily basis. These are all things that they should be doing or helping with. Even if I could do it all, I wouldn't. It can't be that bad... All my kids want more siblings.
< Message edited by Ellie-Mae -- 10/8/2009 3:54:34 PM >
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"You can" makes no difference. "You will" changes the world.
~BillyBob Jones in Grey soon to be authored by Caleb (12) for NaNoWriMo
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 4:08:22 PM
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sharonjef2007
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I worked as a manager of a movie theater for 7 years. Mostly, you have high school and college aged people who work in that environment. Anywho, I can't tell you the number of people I had to teach how to wash dishes, change lightbulbs, vacuum, use windex or take out trash. Not because they were lazy, but because mom and dad did everything for them and they never learned.
I will not set my children up to fail or to not know how to do things. My children WILL have responsiblities and those responsibities will change and grow as the child gets older. Right now, I'm pregnant with our first. Ideally though, we want at least 4. So, we want a large family.
I see the role of adults/parents as being the home/life managers. Managers can not do everything themselves. They have to delegate. It is good for the employees and it is good for the manager. In this case, I see not one thing wrong with a kid learning how to, and then being resonsible for household chores. I was taught at 10 how to do laundry. By the time I was in high school, I did all my own laundry with the exception of towels. My mom only ONCE ever cleaned my room that I can remember, and it was because I had chicken-pox. I cooked a lot in high school and when I was in college I did the majority of the home cooking. Not because I had to do it all, but because I wanted to. Oh, and I should mention that I have only one older sibling who moved out when I was in 2nd grade. So for much of my life, I was the only child.
And you know what? I'm a better person for it. And, I also had a childhood. I played all the time and had tons of friends and did fun stuff all the time and was hugely active in my church, girl scouts and sports.
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my blog......Picture This.......
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 4:29:33 PM
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macokjc
Posts: 278
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quote:
Well, I have 5 kids and there is no way that I can keep up with them if they don't help. I cannot make and change their beds, pick up their toys, clean all the bathrooms, keep up with all their laundry, find all their shoes, pair all their socks, pick up all their toys in the gym and outside, comb their hair, find their back packs, clean their fish tanks, clean all the jam globs off the floor and counters, pack all their clothes for trips make sure that all their clothes get into the laundry, make all the dinners, do all the shopping, plan all the lessons, find all their pencils and erasers, and books, and papers, and crayons, and pencil sharpeners, and make sure that they get back to where they belong, find all their manipulatives, make sure they all get baths, put away the food, put thee milk back in the fridge, wash the walls, weed the garden and all the other things that need to be done to make the house flow smoothly oon a daily basis. These are all things that they should be doing or helping with. Even if I could do it all, I wouldn't. It can't be that bad... All my kids want more siblings.
And I bet you did it all today, probably more than once!  I have absolutely no beef with chores - especially cleaning up messes that they make themselves. Most of those things that you mentioned should be a child's responsibility, because it is their mess or their things. Like an above poster, I think it is our responsibility as parents to teach our kids to be well-rounded, self sufficient adults.
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 4:42:35 PM
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narnia
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quote:
I told my kids once they weren't allowed to have gum until they were 35, (out of frustration) and the next time someone offered them gum, they seriously answered, "I'm sorry--we're not allowed to have gum until we're 35."-
LOL!
We are not training children to remain children...we are training them to be adults. That includes more responsibility as they get older.
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Domestic Diva, according to our Forums Mother!
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 4:50:42 PM
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coolfamily6
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quote:
Mostly, you have high school and college aged people who work in that environment. Anywho, I can't tell you the number of people I had to teach how to wash dishes, change lightbulbs, vacuum, use windex or take out trash. Not because they were lazy, but because mom and dad did everything for them and they never learned.
Well, I do not do everything for my kids. I never have they have always done chores. But now that my oldest is almost 15 I think an alien has taken over her body! She has almost straight A's in school, great manners, gets compliments at every turn but has "forgotten" how to clean.   It is a daily battle. I pray that this will not translate into her work ethic, I pray that her school work ethic is what she will bring to her future job.  So, what I am saying is before you cast that stone, you may have been dealing with a kid like mine. 
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If your bible is a mess; your life won't be.
~Encouragement a mom gave to our children at our First Grader's Bible Ceremony!
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 4:58:03 PM
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stellaluna
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For the record, I'd like to say that children should have chores. In fact, I believe that every member of the family should contribute to the running of the household as equally as they are able to for the age they are.
My siblings are fairly close to me in age. I spent all of my single digits folding diapers, changing diapers, feeding my brothers, bathing them, clothing them, putting them down for naps, waking them up from naps, cutting their food, watching them while they played inside, watching them while they played outside, sitting in the car with them outside the grocery store, watching them in the grocery store, staying home with them while mom went to the grocery store...etc.
My mom had exactly as many kids as she wanted, exactly as many as she felt God wanted her to have, she often says she wished she had had more (my biggest nightmare), and she was completely overwhelmed. I was completely overwhelmed. I begged to be sent to boarding school. I begged to live with my grandparents. When I got old enough and loud enough, I just put my foot down and refused to do it anymore. Then I became a rebellious teenager and was the "problem" child. 
I sincerely hope that all of you look at the responsibilities that your older children have and really examine whether they are given chores and tasks according to their age and ability in order to grow as adults or if they are given tasks to relieve the burden on you.
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 5:00:11 PM
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sharonjef2007
Posts: 2302
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quote:
ORIGINAL: coolfamily6
quote:
Mostly, you have high school and college aged people who work in that environment. Anywho, I can't tell you the number of people I had to teach how to wash dishes, change lightbulbs, vacuum, use windex or take out trash. Not because they were lazy, but because mom and dad did everything for them and they never learned.
Well, I do not do everything for my kids. I never have they have always done chores. But now that my oldest is almost 15 I think an alien has taken over her body! She has almost straight A's in school, great manners, gets compliments at every turn but has "forgotten" how to clean. It is a daily battle. I pray that this will not translate into her work ethic, I pray that her school work ethic is what she will bring to her future job. So, what I am saying is before you cast that stone, you may have been dealing with a kid like mine.
I'm not throwing stones at all...and especially not at you since I don't know you nor your family. I was speaking from my experience. When I have to teach a 19 year old guy and his twin brother how to unscrew a burnt out lightbulb and screw in a new one, that to me is a failing of the parents. They didn't forget how to do it. They were never taught. I also had to show them how to wash dishes and sweep. They were willing, but were just never taught or expected to pitch in at home.
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my blog......Picture This.......
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 5:50:33 PM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 4928
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From: Formerly Jesus Land
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I couldn't do it all without the help of my kids, either. We all take about an hour each day and work together to put everything back together again. They are the ones who make most of the mess--I think it's only right that they help clean it up.
I am the oldest of eight in our family. I did a lot of work with my younger siblings, but I don't resent it.
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"A faith that can be destroyed by suffering is not faith."--Richard Wurmbrand
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 5:55:02 PM
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stampinlady
Posts: 2594
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From: Northern IL
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quote:
They are the ones who make most of the mess--I think it's only right that they help clean it up.
I totally agree.
Older kids watching younger ones: If something life threatening happened to the younger one while in the car eof the older one how would they mentally handle it? That's always been a thought when this topic comes up.
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Deb
"When the fufillment comes the types and shadows cease."
Author unknown
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 6:00:58 PM
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his_chosen
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I never expected my older kids to care for the younger ones. However, six or seven years ago I became very sick. The best I could do was lie on the couch all day. I had two surgeries within a couple months. Guess who had to pick up the slack? The kids. The older ones helped the younger ones with school work. The younger ones got more chores--chores the older ones usually did. As a family, we all had to pitch in to get things done.
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You have a choice. You can throw in the towel or you can use it to wipe the sweat off your face.
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 6:02:01 PM
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peculiar_lady2
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quote:
Older kids watching younger ones: If something life threatening happened to the younger one while in the car eof the older one how would they mentally handle it? That's always been a thought when this topic comes up.
I can only answer for me, but this is how we do it...
I train my older ones when I am there how to do what needs to be done. If they don't know what to do, I tell them. Walk them through it a few times if necessary. Mostly I just observe. Even if I walk out of the room, I am still observing. I am observing how long it takes them to do the task, how they handle it emotionally, how they talk to the little one, etc. Always observing. I don't leave them alone until I am sure they can handle whatever comes up. If for some reason I come back and something that I feel is important has been overlooked, we talk about it and next time they have to prove to be beforehand that they understand everything.
As for kids being left in the vehicle, that's a pet peeve of mine, and I don't do it unless there is an older one that is experienced there...and then, only for small stores that I can run in and out of. Usually though, I would take the babies in with me and leave the older ones out in the vehicle to see how well they handle themselves, because they also have to learn to be alone sometimes too.
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Proud to be...  
"When God said 'brains', some thought He said 'trains' and got on the wrong track" -Maxine
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 6:26:37 PM
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Liveloved
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quote:
My mom had exactly as many kids as she wanted, exactly as many as she felt God wanted her to have, she often says she wished she had had more (my biggest nightmare), and she was completely overwhelmed. I was completely overwhelmed.
I wonder how many children (now grown) stellaluna speaks for? You see, this is my concern. I'm sorry you had to live this. And I see it perpetuated today. (I'm not speaking to anyone specifically so please don't be defensive. It is a concern that I think needs to be addressed.)
Some mothers (like my mom) had many children and did it well. Her heart was the Lord's heart. She lived to serve others. She served her family and her friends and even strangers. Yes, I had responsibilities and I learned to work. But her home and family were her responsibility and she and my father bore the greatest load. I know they did it thankfully and willingly. And we had the freedom to be children who helped but were not burdened.
So how do you know what amount of responsibility to place on your children? And what do you carry because the family size is a product of your choosing (not theirs)?
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Liveloved
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Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 7:57:14 PM
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sharonjef2007
Posts: 2302
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quote:
So how do you know what amount of responsibility to place on your children?
The same way you learn other parenting skills, through your personal experience and trial and error.
quote:
And what do you carry because the family size is a product of your choosing (not theirs)?
That all depends on how you look at things. There are a lot of people here who do not see their family size as their choice, it is God's. Parents are overall responsible for the lives of their children. Should children be their servants? No. Should children pitch in and be an active member of the family? Yes.
There is no one right choice here......not one right way to do things.
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my blog......Picture This.......
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 7:58:08 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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Growing up, my older sister and I did a lot of indoor and outdoor chores, as well as helping with my disabled sister a lot. We also did our own laundry early on. I didn't mind any of these things in and of themselves, but sometimes, it was at the expense of getting my homework done. No matter what, for a school child, homework should come first. I was always too shy to explain the situation to my teachers, so they just got mad at me. 
P.S. In grades 4-6 we were in a very small christian school attatched with our church (although we also were involved with the chapel as well)...so those teachers KNEW our situation, so it seems they may have cut me some slack, but they didn't..well one tried to and one definitely did NOT.
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 10/8/2009 8:32:25 PM >
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Wizard's rule #1 .People can be stupid and willfully deceived (that's from the book, not the show)..slightly edited for CW
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 8:12:02 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 475
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quote:
Are your children, especially the older ones, given responsibility that they should not have?
I'd like to know what you mean by this sentence. What would constitute "responsibility they should not have?"
I grew up in a large family, we all had responsibilities and chores. However we all had plenty of time to have fun. I have only one child. He has responsibilities--he has his chores plus other things he can do to earn extra money. If we have something unusual going on, he might be expected to contribute more than otherwise.
As a parent, it is my job to raise a future adult. We would all be better off if more of the "adults" in this country were responsible and less concerned about having "fun". I am teaching my son that there are times when he will have to work, even if it would be more fun to play. And there are times when it is better to have fun and let the work wait.
The irony that I've noticed is that many families that worry about their children "losing" their childhood by expecting them to be responsible and have responsibilities when they are pre-teens and teens are the same families that put their toddler in daycare, pre-K, and pushed them in academics very young when they should have been outside playing....these children have already lost their childhood and should be learning to be responsible contributing members of society. Recall, that up until recently a "child" was considered an adult at 13 (or there abouts) and expected to take on adult responsibilities (actually, there are good reasons for this--in the teen years the human brain goes through a very rapid growth spurt where the part of the brain driving s-x and other similar behaviors matures sooner than the judgment center--by giving these children responsibilities and expectations, they don't have time to do dumb things before they learn to consider the consequences of actions).
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 8:20:21 PM
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kohls356
Posts: 642
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ellie-Mae
quote:
ORIGINAL: kohls356
quote:
ORIGINAL: peculiar_lady2
quote:
The younger kids seem to get to have that childhood that the older ones didn't have because they were taking care of the house and the younger kids.
So what exactly is the solution for this? "Keep popping out kids?" Sorry, but life isn't fair...you deal with the hand you are given. If that"s a lot of responsibility because it's a large family or if it's a little responsibility. It has nothing to do with the number of kids. Larger families just tend to really show it more because of two reasons...1) it is more people and we finally realize after a certain number that we can't handle it all ourselves and shouldn't try to overload ourselves with picking up after every single person just because...and 2) we are under more scrutiny...more people watch us or want to know how we can handle it because they are just SURE they couldn't. Then they want to mock or belittle us for our personal decisions. (Not saying that's what you are doing, or really anyone here, just in general that's what we run into all the time). Whether we had 15 kids or 2 kids, my kids would have the same responsibility as they do now. The chores might differ (such as if we didn't have another baby they of course wouldn't get daily experience with changing them), but the teaching responsibility part would still be there.
Oh trust me, I am not mocking your or belittling anyone. I personally don't care how many children a person has. Each family has to come up with their own solution to how it works in their family. However, it does have to do with the number of kids because that is what makes a large family and the more there are the more responsibility there is. You even said that you finally realize after a certain number that you can't handle it all yourself and shouldn't try to overload yourself with picking up etc. So there is a certain number, according to you, where you can't handle it all. I am sure that number is different for each family.
Just because someone can't handle all the work themselves doesn't mean that it is necessarily time to stop having kids. No parent should have to do the work all themselves. It is just when you have a lot of kids you are forced a lot more to recognize the need to train the kids to take part in the responsibility for their environment. When there is only a couple of kids it is much easier to just do it yourself.
Well I don't think it necessarily means that they should stop having kids either, but it might be something to consider and realize that the older children are going to have more to do. If the mom can't handle it all then someone has to pick up the slack and that would be the older ones.
I don't think the parents should have to do it all. It shouldn't matter whether you have one or 20 children, parents should be teaching their children to be responsible people. It is easier to do things yourself but that doesn't teach the kids anything I certainly don't do it all, my kids are responsible for their personal space and belongings. I do expect them to help with keeping the house picked up, they live here and should help. However, I am home all day while my kids are at school so I do the majority of the work. I do the laundry, clean the house, cook most of the meals etc. I don't sit around and not do those things and save it for them when they come home so they are more responsible. What I don't do is clean their rooms, get their laundry, I tell them when I will be doing laundry and if they want their clothes washed they have to have them in the laundry room. I do not expect them to clean up after me. I know several moms of large families that have their children clean the parent's bathroom, bedroom, make their bed. Helping with common areas of the house I do expect them to help keep picked up but I am not going to have my children do my personal space.
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 8:34:09 PM
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garsyt
Posts: 1740
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quote:
So how do you know what amount of responsibility to place on your children? And what do you carry because the family size is a product of your choosing (not theirs)?
It's about balance.
I was the eldest of 6 kids. We also had several foster siblings of various ages while I was growing up. I'm certain there were times when I complained about doing my chores, or having to babysit when my parents had something going on with one of my other siblings. But I also grew up on a farm where it was EXPECTED that EVERYONE pitch in. That's just how it was from day one. I never resented it. I remember helping my grandmother with her garden when I was under 5 years old. I remember that I was expected to keep my dog out of the calf pen as he scared the calves on the farm and my grandfather getting upset if I didn't. I remember from a very young age, making sure the ducks and chickens were penned up at night and the eggs gathered daily. I remember going to the woods and helping to gather wood that heated our home every winter. This was in addition to my homework and any extra curricular activities that my parents ALWAYS supported. My younger siblings all had responsibilities as well based on their age as they grew up. But as we grew up we were also given more freedoms. We'd still have our responsibilities, but we were also allowed activities, and time just to be kids. My youngest two siblings had more free time then us older ones, simply by virtue of being the youngest - but they also had much more experienced parents that had seen and had everything thrown at them by us older kid, thus NOTHING got by my parents with the younger ones. Some of the things I got away with (which wasn't much, my parents were that good at figuring things out - or I was just a really bad liar!) - my youngest sister wouldn't dream of trying because the sister or brother in between us got caught!
But I also remember running through the meadows, climbing trees, going swimming, hanging out with my friends, participating in afterschool activities and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was extremely loved by my parents and grandparents.
Blessings,
Garsy
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My Blog: www.moredayslikethisplease.wordpress.com
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 9:08:25 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 1818
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quote:
ORIGINAL: garsyt
quote:
So how do you know what amount of responsibility to place on your children? And what do you carry because the family size is a product of your choosing (not theirs)?
It's about balance.
I was the eldest of 6 kids. We also had several foster siblings of various ages while I was growing up. I'm certain there were times when I complained about doing my chores, or having to babysit when my parents had something going on with one of my other siblings. But I also grew up on a farm where it was EXPECTED that EVERYONE pitch in. That's just how it was from day one. I never resented it. I remember helping my grandmother with her garden when I was under 5 years old. I remember that I was expected to keep my dog out of the calf pen as he scared the calves on the farm and my grandfather getting upset if I didn't. I remember from a very young age, making sure the ducks and chickens were penned up at night and the eggs gathered daily. I remember going to the woods and helping to gather wood that heated our home every winter. This was in addition to my homework and any extra curricular activities that my parents ALWAYS supported. My younger siblings all had responsibilities as well based on their age as they grew up. But as we grew up we were also given more freedoms. We'd still have our responsibilities, but we were also allowed activities, and time just to be kids. My youngest two siblings had more free time then us older ones, simply by virtue of being the youngest - but they also had much more experienced parents that had seen and had everything thrown at them by us older kid, thus NOTHING got by my parents with the younger ones. Some of the things I got away with (which wasn't much, my parents were that good at figuring things out - or I was just a really bad liar!) - my youngest sister wouldn't dream of trying because the sister or brother in between us got caught!
But I also remember running through the meadows, climbing trees, going swimming, hanging out with my friends, participating in afterschool activities and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was extremely loved by my parents and grandparents.
Blessings,
Garsy
Garsy,
This is the kind of story I want to hear. . . and it was my life as well. And it is what I want to hear from my goddaughter when she is a grown woman. But what I see and hear concerns me. And so I raise the question. And hope we think about the choices we make and the effect those choices have on others. Blessings, LL
_____________________________
Liveloved
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Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 9:44:47 PM
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nicole6598
Posts: 1688
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Great questions being asked and answered :)
I was the eldest and had a single mother, so alot of responsibility and chores were left to me, and then my sister when she was older. We would the majority of the housework, with mum helping on the weekends. She couldn't do much during the week as she worked full time. Before that though we would only have age appropriate tasks. Things like keeping our rooms clean, HELPING mum fold the washing (not having to do it all on our own), making our beds, putting our clothes away. We took it in turns washing and drying that so that mum was also involved in that and we didn't feel like her little slaves. We were taught responsibility, how to cook and clean but also given time to enjoy being a child, playing etc. I think my mum did a good job having that balance for us. We never felt that we had to do it all because she did it along side us.
I do know parents who make their children do things while they sit and watch, or are talking on the phone, on the computer etc. I don't personally agree with that. ITs not my business though. I have seen kids grow up like one teen who is now rebelling BIG time as she was hugely responsible for changing nappies, bathing, feeding babies, cleaning, cooking etc as there was 5 kids and a dad who worked alot and the mother was busy in church activities. There wasn't much balance.
My children are given tasks to do, like my mum did with me. I come along side them and help if I know its too overwhelming (like tidying their room) and they are given tasks to do on their own while I am doing something else but its only quick short tasks. Not more than what I think is going to overload them and have them do it with a wrong attitude. Teaching them to serve and to help, but do so with a good heart is important. No good making our children do things and the whole time they are thinking how much they hate their parents, hate helping etc. My daughter LOVES to help, we do things together though. So she gets taught how to do things, she gets taught she must help, she gets taught to serve, but she is not overwhelmed.
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Proud Aussie, Wife, Mother, Woman!
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 10:43:29 PM
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mamajennleigh
Posts: 978
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This is an area that I really struggle in. I have 4 boys and I get so frustrated at the lack of responsibility that I see in them, but sometimes I wonder if I'm asking too much of them, especially since I keep getting the same results.
I agree with the posters who said that kids should have chores, and that if they live in a house, they must learn to help maintain and clean it. But that there needs to be a balance. I haven't found it yet, obviously, but I'm still working on it.
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 11:28:09 PM
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CMT8808
Posts: 246
Joined: 9/4/2009
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l.l.~
I understand where you are coming from, as I had more responsibilities put upon me at a young age, that I never experienced, being a child.
However having my child (only one that God blessed me with) I give him chore that I believe are age appropriate. Pick up his toys and putting his cups on the counter as well as his dinner plates.
I find I have to repeat myself constantly with him and he is a smart child, but I do not burden him with everyday living that is my responsibility.
But because my life as a child what it was, my son has lots of play time, loving times(meaning huggies, kisses, and frumpies), together times (watching a movie together, making a tent, ect..) and then we have our study times <groan> his name certainly suits him
My main intent is to make certain that he enjoys his childhood, yet establish responsibility, so he can grow to be a well rounded man that some day will bless a nice young lady.
(Meaning whoever can pass the shotgun test, might be able to enter! Lol)
CMT
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/8/2009 11:57:47 PM
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nicole6598
Posts: 1688
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CMT8808
I find I have to repeat myself constantly with him and he is a smart child, but I do not burden him with everyday living that is my responsibility.
CMT
I liked that bit, that's what my goal is. I am after all the parent, who has made the choice to become one and I am ultimately the homemaker so the main bulk is my job, the kids however can help, but not have to do it ALL or a huge portion like some are made to do or have been made to do.
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/9/2009 12:16:28 AM
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relady
Posts: 679
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Greater St. Louis Metro
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quote:
I spent all of my single digits folding diapers, changing diapers, feeding my brothers, bathing them, clothing them, putting them down for naps, waking them up from naps, cutting their food, watching them while they played inside, watching them while they played outside, sitting in the car with them outside the grocery store, watching them in the grocery store, staying home with them while mom went to the grocery store...etc. This reminds me of children of alcoholics who grow up being the parent rather than the child. It sounds like your early life borders on that and that is wrong. Just wrong. It goes way over the line of having chores & learning responsibility. It make the child into the parent and that is certainly dysfunctional and should not be encouraged or overlooked. As the eldest of 4 children, I had more responsibilities than my younger siblings but there was never any question in our household who the parents were, LOL. In some families that line gets blurred in a very unhealthy way, and it doesn't necessarily have to be a big family. It also generally involves a lot more than just chores around the house.
< Message edited by relady -- 10/9/2009 12:24:53 AM >
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/9/2009 7:48:53 AM
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Sunnymom
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We forget that our views of childhood are based on our culture, and culture can be completely screwy and Godless. Throughout history, childhood has been viewed in different ways- from babies being nasty little bundles of original sin, to the romanticizing of childhood in the late 1800's. Then along comes G. Stanley Hall with his invention of adolescence, and mayhem ensues. Child labor laws and compulsory education are largely responsible for creating the extended childhoods that are 'normal' today. Recommended reading on this topic- Colin Heywood's A History of Childhood.
Read about the lives of Clara Barton, David Farragut, Thomas Edison, Benjamin Rush... we don't even come close to doing our children justice by encouraging them to reach their full potential.
We should stop looking to our society to define how we should rear our children. The Bible IMO is clear that there is a time for a child to be a child, protected and nurtured, but then the child becomes an adult (in Jewish tradition this time is 12-13) and begins to take on adult responsibility, such as learning the family trade, taking care of the household and children, etc... Jesus Christ as a 12 year old boy survived and thrived without mom and dad for more than three days alone in the city. If He indeed is our example, then why isn't it our goal for our kids to be able to do that? 
Self esteem and confidence does not come from people telling you what a wonderful person you are, but from a sense of accomplishment and the exercise of virtues such as generosity, sacrifice, compassion, and a work ethic. (2Peter 1:5-8, James 1:3-4)
I grew up on a farm, and had huge responsibilities from the time I was big enough to reach the clutch on the tractor. I loved every minute of it- plowing with a rototiller, feeding and caring for the animals, stringing beans,shelling peas, peeling tomatoes, learning how to can and freeze what we produced in our gardens, butchering and packaging rabbits and chickens to be fried later and served with mashed potatoes and gravy- I didn't even mind that we didn't have indoor plumbing until I was 14- none of my friends had an outhouse. I had a terrific childhood, and in spite of all the work it takes to run a farm, I still spent hours roaming the woods with my dogs (and a machete for snakes), pretending that I was running from a T Rex that was determined to have me for lunch, burning ticks and flushing out yellow jacket nests... I read for hours (no tv with which to destroy brain cells) and had plenty of time to daydream and write poetry and color pictures... it was idyllic.
Bottom line, it's a shame when adults are ignorant of the basics of childcare and household organization/maintenance, have trouble finding and holding a job, and don't want to take care of the family because then they won't have time to watch Dancing with the Stars or go shopping or play Xbox. What's worse- not being a fully responsible adult allows the world to blaspheme the name of God. (Titus 2:5) This training begins during childhood, and IMO should become more intense and focused around age 10, so that by the time a young person is 15-16, they can be productive and responsible for themselves.
< Message edited by Sunnymom -- 10/9/2009 7:55:08 AM >
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RE: Whose responsibility is it? - 10/9/2009 8:08:58 AM
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SurpassingPeace
Posts: 816
Joined: 11/21/2007
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I think it all comes down to where the heart of the parent is. In order to raise my child to be a responsible, competent adult, they need to be taught to do housework, cook, bills, basic child care, understand a little car maintenance, etc. If I am giving them tasks and chores to further their growth in personal responsibility, how to function in a family, time managment, etc. then I am doing my job. But if I am dumping off more chores on them because I am unable to handle what I am responsible for or because I am poor at time managment and can never so no to outside committments, etc. then I am failing my child.
Having a servant's heart as Liveloved's mother did will not steer you wrong. Having a strong personal relationship with God will keep you mindful of your parenting. It is a good thing to understand that when you are in a family, your actions (destroying the house with a mess of toys) has consequences for the entire family (living in said mess) and that you have responsibility for it. (Cleaning it up.)
I know the larger families that have been spoken of here. One woman I know is up to 10 children but leaves almost all of the raising of said children, housework, cleaning etc to the older children and her husband. She is too busy doing God's work. For example, her husband comes home after a long day at work to a messy house and hungry kids. She is a sahm but has been on the computer all day because other people need her. However, this is the exception to most of the large families I know. Most of them function quite well and quite fair, for lack of a better word. This woman would not be a servant to her family if she had two children.
So I guess what it comes down to is that it is different for every family. Some large families do it well and some small families take unfair advantage of their children.
Karen
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