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Should I end It - 10/8/2009 5:43:43 PM
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berne05
Posts: 2
Joined: 10/8/2009
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Ihave been married fr almost 7 years and we have a 5yr old daughter, I also have a 17yr old son and 19yrold daughter from a previous relationship.
We have so many issues with Faith and Churches since we met 8yrs ago but got married and I tried to go back to church, we moved away and I tried to go back to a really good christian church but kept feelin like I was let down by my husband for not going with me.
My husband smokes dope and is getting worse, I tried to pray about it but feel let down and have a go at him. When he doesnt smoke it all the time we get on great together and i love him so very much but he is getting to the point where he staying out at his so called friends houses who smoke it all night. I have told him I'm sick of him putting his dope before his familyand he just twists things and says I'm no perfect either, I know I have a ot of faults too.
I Don't feel strong enough to make him leave but What else can I do???
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RE: Should I end It - 10/8/2009 7:08:10 PM
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Conundrum
Posts: 85
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Call the police when he's over smoking dope and leave an anonymous tip.
Yes, I'm serious.
And no, this is not something to get divorced over. He needs to be held accountable for his illegal activities, but it's not a divorce issue, IMO.
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RE: Should I end It - 10/8/2009 10:10:48 PM
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spotnapp
Posts: 53
Joined: 7/19/2009
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I agree.
This is a "for better or worse" issue. Continue to pray for him and as Conundrum mentioned, let the police deal with giving him a wake up call. Any type of protest from you against his habit is going to just feel like an attack to him, and then he'll just begin to resent you which in turn will cause him to turn to his habit or worse things more, not that that gives him the right to but for the most part that's just the weakness that comes through in our earthly sinful flesh.
That all said, there is a Big HOWEVER... if his habit causes him to be violent in any sort of way to you or the kids then I would say a separation is definitely in need. If this is the case try to tell him as lovingly as possible that you love him and are devoted to him with all your heart but as long as he is going to "choose" to let his habit control him and cause harm to come to his family that you need to look out for the best interest for your children and yourself. Tell him that you would love to be back together as a family as soon as he can prove that he can give up his habit completely and forever, and if it were me I would make it at least a year to help no he is sincere and in control of his choices. As long as he was showing progress and a sincere willingness to quit his habit I would still try to have family time on the weekends and special days.
My prayers go out to you during this awful trying time for your marriage.
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RE: Should I end It - 10/9/2009 8:42:32 AM
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iluvatar
Posts: 3044
Joined: 4/12/2005
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IMO, pot smoking is on par with drinking and should be treated as such. If pot isn't enough reason to divorce him, I don't see how sending him to jail is going to make life better for anybody.
-Dan.
_____________________________
Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
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RE: Should I end It - 10/9/2009 9:22:17 AM
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APZR
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: GA
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He's not ready to quit, then he won't. He'll continue to party and get high all night until he suffers come consequences... DUI or legal trouble, financial trouble (does his employer do testings?), etc. I have to disagree with the posters above, this IS an issue for divorce. You have a FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD to protect, so I'd say he has to go. There is absolutely nothing biblical about staying married and forcing a child to live with a drug addict.
When you give him the warning to straight up or ship out, he may decide to seek help and chose his family over pothead friend. But as it is right now, and having experienced being forced to fire workers for the exact same thing, I wouldn't bet on it. You have a child to protect, and that comes first.
< Message edited by APZR -- 10/9/2009 9:30:53 AM >
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: Should I end It - 10/9/2009 10:26:34 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 1766
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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Here's the bottom line.
As soon as you smell smoke, something is going out the door.
1. The pot can go in the trash... all of it that he has on hand.
2. He can get out and not come back until he is recovered.
3. You can take your kids and go elsewhere.
But he's not going to be smoking in your home with you in it.
Yes, the police coming would help. Think of it this way:
Say a man likes to speed.
> His wife nags him, but he speeds anyways.
> The police catch him and give him a ticket... he thinks twice
> They catch him again, another $100 down the drain...
> They catch him again and take him down to the station...
> Imagine they catch him every day... he stops speeding.
Talk is not going to stop this addiction... but a man with a badge might... then your family life will be better. It's important to think beyond the immediate and try to get through to a better time, even if it means a big problem for a little while.
If you want to jump to divorce without trying everything in your power to induce him to get rid of his habit, that's not faithful. If you try the police method, and the counseling method, the short-term separation method -- and any other method that you can think of, then long-term separation or divorce may be the only option... but right now it's not the only option, so you would not be justified in taking it.
It is workable to separate at this point, though, because he actions are dangerous and damaging to children. Do you have a way to get yourself separated and independent of him, for a short time, in hopes that he will give up pot and come around to good family life? That might be the wake up that he needs, in order to truly repent.
PS... about this:
quote:
I tried to go back to a really good christian church but kept feeling like I was let down by my husband for not going with me.
Please recall that being upset with your husband is not a good reason to be disobedient to your God... and God wants you in a Church family because it's times like these when you really really need one.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Should I end It - 10/9/2009 9:52:31 PM
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Conundrum
Posts: 85
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quote:
ORIGINAL: berne05
Thank you all for your remarks, I'm sorry but how would the police coming to my house help my marriage as well as my family, I don't really kow what to do for the best. 
He is a wonderful thoughtful and caring man except when he smokes this, which is most nights. I truly do ove him which is why I am finding this situation s hard to deal with. 
Pot smoking is illegal. If he learns that there are consequences for his actions, he may smarten up and get straight.
If not that, it gets him out of the house and no longer influencing his children.
Gee - I should've kept reading in the thread. I agree 100% with bolt.:
quote:
If you want to jump to divorce without trying everything in your power to induce him to get rid of his habit, that's not faithful. If you try the police method, and the counseling method, the short-term separation method -- and any other method that you can think of, then long-term separation or divorce may be the only option... but right now it's not the only option, so you would not be justified in taking it.
It is workable to separate at this point, though, because he actions are dangerous and damaging to children. Do you have a way to get yourself separated and independent of him, for a short time, in hopes that he will give up pot and come around to good family life? That might be the wake up that he needs, in order to truly repent.
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RE: Should I end It - 10/16/2009 3:24:01 PM
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heremainsfaithful
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/14/2009
From: Alabama
Status: offline
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If he has an addiction, this is not something you are going to be able to "bake him out of," as one of my friends puts it. That means donning an apron and being a good wifey will not do the trick. I agree with calling the police, or leaving, or trashing whatever illegal substance (alcohol isn't illegal - but if it is an addiction it needs to go) you find, or asking him to leave (but not if he has to drive).
If you are still in this same place a year from now and he has added abuse to the mix, do what you need to do to keep your family safe. Period. I won't go into my already told story about the friend I have who almost died because she stayed with an abusive husband on the advice of her preacher. I don't think for better or for worse means violence against spouses or children.
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RE: Should I end It - 10/16/2009 4:44:44 PM
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nellen60
Posts: 1
Joined: 10/16/2009
Status: offline
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First of all, there's nothing you can do to force him to quit. I don't think you should call the police and report him if he's not doing it in your own home. If he is, you must report him - because if you don't, you could be considered as being an accessory. In which case, you could be arrested and/or your kids could be taken away from you. Even though you can't force him to quit, you can put some boundaries in place that will protect you. There's a great book on Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud (Christian). Boundaries are not for punishment - they are put in place to protect you. An example of a boundary would be to open up your own checking and savings account - in case your husband does end up being arrested or spends some of your money budgeted for the paying of bills.
I agree that as long as you don't add to the dysfunction by allowing him to smoke in your own home, and as long as he continues to work and support you and your children, and as long as you and your children are not being abused physically or emotionally, this is not a reason for divorce - but maybe separation! Why don't you speak to your pastor about the situation?
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RE: Should I end It - 10/16/2009 5:22:33 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 536
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
Thank you all for your remarks, I'm sorry but how would the police coming to my house help my marriage as well as my family, I don't really kow what to do for the best.
*Doing nothing won't improve matters either.
It's called tough love - you will have to get tough. Set good boundaries
and protect your children. Be a good example. Stay faithful to attending church and having daily devotions/prayer/praise times with your children.
Take part in church. Have a counseling session(s) with your minister about what is happening in your home. Talk to a counselor at a drug rehab center for advice etc.
He is a wonderful thoughtful and caring man except when he smokes this, which is most nights. I truly do ove him which is why I am finding this situation s hard to deal with.
*He is thoughtful and caring... but if that was so he wouldn't be using an illegal drug, not keeping himself from "worldliness", being rebellious with the Lord, sowing seeds of discord within his family/marriage, being a bad influence and wrecking his faith walk....
I truly do owe him.... that is true - you owe your husband... that you will
raise the children properly and be faithful to him, be his help-meet, and faithful to your Lord and Savior. You will be honest with him about his drug habit - you will learn to take a firm action if he continues to use pot.
You really don't want him ruined by pot - you desire for him to be whole and able to conduct himself in a proper manner. Allowing him to use pot in the house is giving him the silent stamp of approval and your children are watching and learning from all of this...
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