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Really needing advice - 10/8/2009 10:17:32 PM
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kzlamom
Posts: 7
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I've been married 21 years, have 4 children ages 20 down to 4. Were married on the precept of raising our children in a Christian home. I've just recenlty allowed myself to be backslidden and not in church regularly in attempts to spend more time with my husband, who hasn't been in church in quite a few years. My problem is that he will just not show up home at least once a week (used to be almost every night when the kids were young) because he's stopped off at someone's house and starts drinking. He then precedes to tell my I'm psycho and over-reacting when I get upset after he gets home. I only have 1 daughter who is 12, and he has no relationship with her at all which really concerns me. When I try to avoid arguging with him and just stay quiet, he just says 'now that's the way I like you, when you just keep your mouth shut'. There is just no respect and I'm so confused. I know God would not want this for me, but yet I'm scared to leave and afraid of being alone (age 44)---even though I know I shouldn't be. We've tried counseling several times, but he always quits after a few---usually couple sessions. Tells me I'm giving him "ultimatums" by telling him to go to counseling and stop drinking or we're through. It's just so hard to understand why someone who "supposedly" loves you doesn't care enough to try and change what is causing the problems. I try to serve him by doing all the inside housework, outside yard work, bills, running kids where they need to be, etc., to where all he needs to do is come home and chill-----and all I get is him coming home and hanging out with neighbors or not coming home at all unless he is wanting "something" from me. Can someone tell me if I need to take a humble pill and allow this, or tell me that I'm not psycho and my instincts are right? Sorry for babbling on, but this has been going on for too many years and my nerves are shot!
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/8/2009 11:58:51 PM
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CMT8808
Posts: 248
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Kzlamom~
you did this 20 years too long, girlfriend, seriously.
God did not give us a spirit of fear, you need to trust Him to provide for your during this trial.(Jehovah-Jirah= He is my Provider)
I believe you need to separate from your husband until he receives the help he needs. Counselling, AA, or rehab. (drinking is a choice, he can choose to stop.)
Of course he is going to take the focus off himself and blame you or anyone that will interfere with his passion.
Take a stand if you want to restore your marriage, either he will change or he will not. If he refuses, then you can make it.
I am 48 y/o and have a 3 1/2 y/o child. I know how hard it is thinking, how on earth am I going to do this?
This is when we put our faith in God, knowing with Him all things are possible.
It sounds like you have been very humble in many situations and it is now a time to take a stand, sister. Stand up, not just for your sake, but for the sake of your children.
Do not be a doormat to your verbally abusive husband.
Rejoice in the Lord, for your time is at hand, to make a difference in not only your life, but that of your children.
If you have to sing that old Helen Reddy song. I AM Woman, Hear me Roar!!!
Change your locks, getting a restraining order, and file for support for you and you children that still at home. BTW: If any child is in college, depending your area, he is still financially responsible. (Check you local laws)
You do not deserve to be treated like this sister and you can not change him. Only God can change his direction and heart, so pray for him during this separate time, but get some counselling, alanon and start living the life God intended for you.
Said a prayer for you
CMT
editted to add: BTW: Welcome to the forum 
< Message edited by CMT8808 -- 10/9/2009 12:05:20 AM >
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 8:25:12 AM
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kzlamom
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Thank you CMT8808----It's still hard hearing those words that I should allready know, in that it's time to get out. I appreciate your quick response and in taking the time to read my post and help with some Godly words of advice! Thanks!
kzlamom
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 10:48:03 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 1761
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From: Canada
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It is time to get out. If an 19 year old can do it. You can do it.
You can not 'serve' a man to get him out of selfishness, and your talk is not going to end his addiction. You've been at it long enough to know that is true. Only a strong dose of the real world is going to do that. If you want to retain any hope of this marriage going on and becoming a good thing, then separation is an answer.
If you want an option before separation, you could try locking the door at a certain hour and not responding whenever he arrives late -- but if you are ready just to form your own household, that's probably more grown up and less confrontational.
1. You will not spend time with a drunk when he is drunk. Your sanctuary will not be his place to sleep it off. You won't put up with it, and you also have children to protect. If you can share a home under those terms, then you are open to that. If it can't be done, then you will take action to be separate from him. He's right. It is an ultimatum. There's no need to be shy about that.
2. You will not listen to or spend time with anyone who considers it OK to openly insult you. If he wants to stop, then you can keep on with him. If he does not want to stop, then he has chosen his own result.
You don't need to be upset to be enforcing these boundaries. You own your hands, feet and mouth. You have a right to do what is right and suitable with them. And you need to. Your 12 year old girl needs to see you do it.
You are not psycho. Really, you are not. (You are however, dealing with the effects of living with long term addiction and a degrading spouse... best to get yourself some counselling through this, towards healing and a solid sense of self.)
During your separation you should have some degree of openness to the possibility of him repenting, changing, proving it, and winning back your trust and affection. What you require is up to you... how he reacts to those requirements is up to him. (Hint: if he reacts with insults or manipulation, that's good information to know he's not ready.)
You also are called to forgive... eventually... just so it's on the agenda.
quote:
I've just recently allowed myself to be backslidden and not in church regularly in attempts to spend more time with my husband, who hasn't been in church in quite a few years.
Please remember that trying to be a 'good wife' is not a good reason to disobey your God... and God wants you in a Church family because it's times like these that you really really need one.
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 11:45:59 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1470
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I had to seperate from my huband when I was about your age. You CAN do it with Gods help.I had three children. Was it easy? No not at all, but I had no choice and I have never regretted it.
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 12:52:09 PM
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Dr.JuliaChicken
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I can not believe that anyone would tell you to separate... at least not here. That is a worldly solution.
We will do whatever we want - right down to the making of a golden calf - when things don't meet with our understanding (or liking). However, don't even begin to kid yourself that you are doing the "right" thing. No matter how you slice it, when we do what is right in our own eyes it will be wrong. At least accept that.
Marriage is a picture of Christ and the church... I am so glad that God doesn't threaten to leave me because I am not all that I should be cracked up to be.
Children are a picture of God the Father and his children, the believers.
Boy am I glad that in my smart mouthed, disobedient, know it all behavior God doesn't kick me to the curb because I just don't treat him with respect and honor.
Long suffering, forgiveness, a promise to never forsake, these promises God made to us, and we repeat them in our marriage vows. And God himself said, "What God has joined together let not man put asunder".
You can only argue with yourself, it's silly to try to convince God that you are right. "Let God be right and every man a liar".
7 x 70
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 1:06:14 PM
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Dr.JuliaChicken
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BTW...
I wrote an article based on something that I had posted here a few weeks back. It's basically only touching the tip of the iceberg, but take a look at it as well as some of the comments that followed.
How to Prevent Divorce
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 1:42:00 PM
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catlady11
Posts: 109
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quote:
I can not believe that anyone would tell you to separate... at least not here. That is a worldly solution.
So, she should continue to live with her alcoholic husband and her children in an unsafe environment?
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 3:08:15 PM
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MamaAng
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(((((HUGS kzlamom)))))) You are quite a strong woman to hang in there this many years. God is with you and prompting you to grow.
My only suggestion is to pray for your husband. Pray he understands what he is doing to his family. Pray he can overcome his alcoholism. It IS possible. My father is a recovering alcoholic and so is my husband.
A support group may be helpful to you.
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 3:30:35 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1761
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From: Canada
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quote:
I can not believe that anyone would tell you to separate... at least not here. That is a worldly solution.
We will do whatever we want - right down to the making of a golden calf - when things don't meet with our understanding (or liking). However, don't even begin to kid yourself that you are doing the "right" thing. No matter how you slice it, when we do what is right in our own eyes it will be wrong. At least accept that.
Marriage is a picture of Christ and the church... I am so glad that God doesn't threaten to leave me because I am not all that I should be cracked up to be.
Children are a picture of God the Father and his children, the believers.
Boy am I glad that in my smart mouthed, disobedient, know it all behavior God doesn't kick me to the curb because I just don't treat him with respect and honor.
Long suffering, forgiveness, a promise to never forsake, these promises God made to us, and we repeat them in our marriage vows. And God himself said, "What God has joined together let not man put asunder".
You can only argue with yourself, it's silly to try to convince God that you are right. "Let God be right and every man a liar".
A short-term separation, for the sake of safety, and in hopes of inducing him to repent of his addiction and put it behind him is NOT forsaking him. If he chooses not to do so, that is his choice to forsake her.
Forming a separate household in the short-term, for the sake of safety, as an opportunity to heal, forgive and reconcile in a wise manner once a man has turned his back on habitual destructive sins against his wife is NOT 'putting asunder' it is a productive pro-active choice for the sake of the marriage.
Separation, in the case of a spouse who is in continual intentional and unrepentant sin against their spouse, is a function of what is often called 'Church discipline' and is completely godly and Biblical. In fact, if they were any part of a Church, it would be the most Biblical thing for Church members to assist and support her in this nessiary move.
If during the separation he regrets his behaviour, gets the help he needs, and begins to manage his life better, without this continual and unrepentant sin -- that is what the whole point is (because that is the whole point of 'Church discipline'). If instead he turns his back, becomes more worldly, refuses to even consider refraining from sinning against his wife... then that is his call, and he is accountable for it.
The Church should also help with the hard work of healing, reconciliation and accountability that restoring the marriage (if it is possible) will require.
The worldly 'solution' that this is being confused with is the idea of just writing the relationship off as if it were meaningless, and starting a new life with the alcoholic ex in the past. That's not what we are talking about her. A physical separation, with hope of restoration (through repentance) is hard work, not a write off.
Family life may illustrate heavenly things, but that does not mean that every family has to remain under the same roof at all times, regardless of the ungodly damage and sin that is being engaged in.
I'm so glad that God doesn't act like the husband/father in this family. There is no intact 'picture' of heavenly things when abuse is present. Personally, I'm really really glad that he has given us instructions for dealing with unrepentant damaging sinners, hoping for their restoration but not allowing them to continue hurting his sheep.
There are no lies here, and no 'liars'. There are differences in Biblical interpretation and emphasis, but there is no need for that to be a basis of conflict within the body of our Lord.
Everybody knows there are two schools of thought on this issue, and nobody is 'kidding themself' or 'trying to convince themself' of anything. Both concepts are part of the way true Christians try to live out the truth of the Bible and the Spirit.
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 4:02:07 PM
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Dr.JuliaChicken
Posts: 20
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Kzlamom,
I am not going to argue with or prove to others that post on this thread directly towards me as that is not of interest to you and your topic. Besides, it is not fruitful.
You will indeed do what you want. I will say that if you are seeking Godly advice, you must consult the scriptures and not man. Man is seldom right.
The scriptures do not teach that there is a time to leave. On the contrary, they teach to stay. To leave is to allow Satan opportunity to tempt.
Life is very hard. Full of trials.
Consider the publicans and sinners.
Consider while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.
Really, who can't love a wonderful, sweet, gentle, kind, thoughtful, blah, blah, blah person? The real victory is loving those that do us wrong, no?
A small taste (minuscule, even) of what our gracious God puts up with every minute of the day with us.
May you do what's best for your family.
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Nothing ventured - Nothing failed
http://www.advice-with-dr-julia.com
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 4:17:49 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1761
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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Loving somebody is not always the same as staying in the same home as them when their behaviour is out of control and manifesting itself as unrepentant continual sin against you.
The Scriptures tell us what to do about those who sin against us, and what to do about those who live continually in unrepentant sin. We are not to associate with them, not even to eat with them. How exactly could we do that if we choose to continue to live in the same home? That's where the Scriptures indicate "a time to leave" rather than stay.
Loving somebody best might mean doing what it takes to help them choose repentance. There are ways of loving people who continually do us wrong, and this is one of them.
The Scriptures say that there is great rejoicing in heaven over sinners who repent. I don't see anywhere that it says anybody rejoices over people continuing to sin against those who love and depend on them.
You do not need to be sharing living space to be married, or to be working on your marriage, or preparing to become capable of working on your marriage.
The Scriptures do not say anyplace that married people must always live under the same roof.
Temptation will be an issue, but you are more than capable of remaining faithful to your vows and open to reconciliation (if your husband seeks it in a way you can accept).
God is gracious, but He is also holy, and he holds people accountable. Grace is in the reconciliation, not in the ignoring of continual sin.
_____________________________
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>>audio link<<
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 4:25:08 PM
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kzlamom
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I really appreciate everyone's help and Christian advice. Aside from the drinking issue, am I fair in "expecting" him to come home after work and to not always make plans for himself alone, such as golf, planning outings with other guys, etc. and just leaving me here taking care of the kids---the same ole routine. He works 12 hour days, sometimes 6 days a week, so I don't know if I'm just not making an independent life for myself and over-reacting to his wanting his time, or if I'm justified at thinking he's just pretending to have a family and living as a single man (aside from looking for another woman). I have allowed him, over the years, to make me totally dependent on him and isolating myself from the friends I had---now I have none, and in retrospect can see how it all came about. That's why I just wonder if I am over-reacting or not and do I just need to get a life of my own, or is he not supplying the needs of this family as to why I feel so abandoned? I know marriage isn't easy in any case, but I find it hard to believe God would want me to be a doormat and allow my children to be influenced as well----I grew up in a home where my mother was a doormat and I hated it and always wondered why my mother didn't stand up for herself, though she is a very strong woman. I think it sends the wrong message to both the male and female children as to the man being able to do what he wants, talk roughly and cruely to the wife, and the wife is to just take it and keep on catering to his every whim----I can understand the turn the other cheek as Christ did routinely, but this goes way beyond that. And how does a husband acting that way demonstrate the love for the church that God said he was supposed to show towards the wife? I'm trying to do God's will, and as my counselor has told me in the past (cannot afford him any longer sadly) that I needed to "point blank" God on what I needed to do, which I have, and have gotten the answer to stay to my own surprise. Or could it be that I've distanced myself from God to where He's not answering.....????
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 4:43:51 PM
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Dr.JuliaChicken
Posts: 20
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Hi again Kzlamom! LOL
One thing that frustrates us is when we want so badly for someone to do what's right. But.... we can not make anyone do what's right. We have our hand's full with trying to get ourselves to do right, don't we?
You can't expect your husband to be the picture of Christ (even though we know that is how it is SUPPOSED to be). You have to concern yourself with being the bride. UGH! What a pain! Thus, ignorance is bliss LOL
Yes, you will be angry, hurt, mad and all those other verbs, but to harp on your husband is not going to bring him close to you.
God is the only one that can open our eyes to our wickedness. Maybe someday, through your chaste behavior and long suffering, your husband will see the light.
Remember how hard David was when he was in his sin. The prophet only spoke of a poor man's love for a little lamb, but a light bulb went on!
I will say, NOTHING says more to a child than when their parent does that which is right... especially in the face of wrong.
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 6:20:39 PM
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kzlamom
Posts: 7
Joined: 10/8/2009
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Thanks Dr. Julia,
I am not trying to argue your point, but I can't help but wonder if God would want/expect for a woman to just go through life being submissive to whatever the husband has to dish out and just let him live his life and the woman is just supposed to stop living? When does the man become accountable for his actions---or lack of? I know ultimately God will, but I just can't imagine our loving and compassionate God wanting us to suffer and not know happiness or peace?! I didn't get married to be alone, I married to have a life partner and feel like I was tricked. Now I'm alone and raising kids alone, but have to live and see my husband come and go as he pleases and enjoying life, talking to me like I'm just an employee of his with "benefits". My emotional state and nerves are deteriorating to the point of my health being an issue--seriously. Is that really what our God wants for his daughters in Christ? And to top it off, my two oldest boys, especially the one, are talking to me in the same disrespectful manner as their father has trained them to. I have a 4 yr old boy that I will not allow that to happen to, and a 12 year old daughter that I don't want to marry the same or worse than her own father. She allready doesn't even want to be in the same room with him and when he gets home she closes herself off in her room, and he doesn't even notice or care. Still VERY confused!
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 6:24:00 PM
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kzlamom
Posts: 7
Joined: 10/8/2009
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Hey Bolt,
Actually, I have left so many times I can't count. I even moved out of state only to have him follow full of promises that, of course, will only kept short term enough to get back in my graces. Even as I write this tonight---he again is just not showing up or calling and should have allready been here 1/2 hour ago. He may or may not be drinking, but just the whole manner of disrespect of not coming home is what I can't tolerate, along with all the "single man" lifestyle things he does. Do I just let him come and go as he pleases and live like I have no husband though I do? This is all just too stressful and I always feel like I'm the one losing out and staying sad and depressed....................
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 7:00:45 PM
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Dr.JuliaChicken
Posts: 20
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From: Funny Advice with Dr. Julia
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Kzlamom,
We all make our choices and I will say no more on the matter after this, as really I think that I've said everything there is to say.
How much or how great we suffer is hardly an indicator for what path we should choose. We are called to obedience. The scriptures are full of stories of those that suffered.
Joseph suffered at the hands of his brothers and continued to suffer wrongs at the hands of almost everyone he met!
You are the only one that can stress yourself out, btw.
You are the one that has the power to discipline your children.
You are the only one that can commit.
You have a choice in how you handle the situation.
I have a feeling that you have just as hard a time "seeing" as your husband. One of you needs to turn on the light switch.
You married. You have three children. You are responsible... just as much as your husband. But your husband isn't here asking for advice - you are.
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 7:42:36 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1761
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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I can hear that you are not confident about initiating a separation just now, especially as you believe you may have been called to stay.
Even so, you do not have to be a doormat as he comes and goes as he likes. It seems like your major struggle is with the coming and going so here's a plan:
Firstly, figure out for yourself exactly and precisely what behaviour is unacceptable to you. Realistically, a half hour late coming home is not a significant thing in the life of a working man. There is no reason to get at him over those sorts of things.
Dinner time, however, matters. I'll advise you to prepare and serve dinner at the same time every day - to whomever is there and ready to eat. Once the plates are full, go to the effort to pack the leftovers away into the fridge. It's a small thing, but it will show him that any time he is not there at the time dinner is served, he will be finding it in the fridge and microwaving it himself. As you do this, maintain a friendly casual attitude, not an angry one. You are not punishing him, but you are not holding supper until he gets there.
So your plan might be if he arrives before, say, 8:30 you say. "Hi Hon. It's good to see you There's chicken and potatoes for you in the fridge. The containers are yellow and blue. Do you want me to sit with you while you eat?" then you might say, "It's pretty late today, was something challenging you at work? (Was traffic bad? etc.) You missed a fun evening. We did... I wish you had called. This sort of thing bothers me."
Then you go to 'phase 2' when you lock the door(s) with the new chain-style inside lock that you installed yourself. The reason for this is that you are not comfortable being home alone when it starts to get dark, and you get nervous when he comes in late into the night, so you got yourself a lock.
Then he has to knock or ring the bell to get the door opened. At which point you try to assess if he has been drinking, or you ask him if he has. If he has, you say so, "Hon, you've been drinking and you don't belong in a home where children sleep. I'll see you tomorrow." and close the door. Assuming he has a cell phone, he can call the house if he has anything to say. If he claims to be sober, you say, "That may be true. I can't know for sure... but I know that I don't belive you, and that's just how it is."
Then phase 3:
Of course you go to bed at a reasonable hour, and you are not going to get up and answer the door (unless he calls to let you know, and asks you to wait up until a certain time -- and you let him know that he will only be coming in if you belive he is sober). Don't forget to silence the phones when you go to bed.
>> I'll write more about the verbal abuse and cruelty later... got to go.<<
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 8:45:54 PM
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kzlamom
Posts: 7
Joined: 10/8/2009
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To Dr. Julia Chicken:
Boy are you living in a dream world-----------when there's two parents involved there are 2 types of punishment both of which affect the children tremendously regardless!!!! And you can't stress yourself out---you mean to tell me no one has ever gotten under your skin enough to make your blood boil or make you bite your tongue. Doctor or not---you aren't perfect, only the good Lord above. And some of your advice just as Bolt has commented is not being taken in context from the WHOLE scripture. Won't expect a reply, but you remind me of one of the people that tell women to stay with a man whether he's beating the tar out of you, cheating on you, or whatever---NO THANKS!!!
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 8:49:16 PM
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kzlamom
Posts: 7
Joined: 10/8/2009
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Bolt, I really appreciate and respect what you are saying. I will definately try these methods, but I'm afraid the part with the locks----he will just bust the door in regardless and say it's his house and I'm not locking him out-----how would you propose I deal with that situation? I am very much looking forward to the rest of what you were going to write and appreciate your input! You are helping me more than words on a reply can express!!!! Thank You!!
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/9/2009 10:09:10 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1761
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: online
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OK, there is no way he will be able to bust in the door, unless he has an axe -- and if he tries, that's against the law, even if it is 'his' house.
If it comes to that, then you will be calling the police and saying, "My husband is drunk, so I locked him out of the house. Now he is shouting outside and trying to break down the door. I have kids in here with me and we are really scared of what might happen if he gets in."
So the police will come and take him to the drunk tank for the night, for being drunk in public, and they'll release him in the morning.
In the morning he will think it through. He will either be furious and never want to deal with you again, or he will be really sorry for getting out of control that way. Either way is fine with you.
If he leaves you over it, that's out of your hands, and you have a different life to deal with.
If he wants to get back on your good side, then you decide what he will need to do to show that he is trustworthy and committed. (If it comes to that, I'll help you work it out.)
Even if you do let him continue to live with you after that (if he wants to, and does what he needs to do) and things get bad again, he won't be bringing his drunken head home to you any more... because you will have clearly shown him that you will not allow him in the house that way -- and that you know how to do so. He will have respect for your ability to keep control of your own space.
However, this plan has a lot more conflict in it, and in my opinion it actually lowers the chances of successful reconciliation -- compared to a straightforward separation that doesn't involve a midnight drunken rage incident. If you separate, you can go straight to seeing if he wants to get back on your good side, without all the drama, danger and upset (especially to the children).
Doing phase 1 (late for dinner without calling) and phase 2 (needing to knock after dark, and being sober) is do-able, if you think it might work -- and just have phase 3 (drunk and angry in the middle of the night) as a back-up plan. But if you really are supposing that phase 3 is probably going to happen sooner or later, well, I would just skip it and give your marriage a better fighting chance by separating calmly.
You could ask him to leave, or you could go yourself, with the kids... what does that look like for you? Do you work? Do you have friends or family that would let you-all stay for a while? What kind of a plan do you think might be workable?
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/10/2009 1:07:18 AM
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mbgb
Posts: 54
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline
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MARRIAGE!!! It's so hard.
K-
I am soo soooo sorry to hear about your extremely immature husband berating you like this. Just know that you are NOT alone and many other women unfortunately deal with this. I used to and still do on our worst days.
I separated from my husband for 5 months after we were married 1 year and that worked for us. I was over it and told him that we were headed for divorce as far as I was concerned, but I always kept my senses up to look for true genuine change because as a Christian I would work on the marriage plus I did and still do love him. It's tough and it took much prayer. God has to judge him for you.
You are capable of sticking this out. I believe living with him while you "fix" things though is going to make it tough...but some people belive separation is wrong. So it's your call. Being separated allowed me to get away from the fog and lies so I could view our relationship from an outside perspective. When you are in the muck, you can't see what you really need to do. When I moved back in I had to be so strong and stand by my rules. He hated it and pitched fits basically, because he wasn't used to people not budging for him. But now, he's a changed man. He's much more humble and caring. God is good. He can work this out for you if you are willing. I'll be praying for you!!!!!!!
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/12/2009 10:52:59 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 536
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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I suggest getting yourself and the children back into church ASAP!
Be faithful to the Lord - set a good example for the children by being faithful to being in church with your fellow believers. If your husband wants to be with you he can show up at church --- he should know the times the church doors open. Seek counseling with your minister - if you can't find free Christian counseling for you and your children elsewhere.
Concentrate on growing in grace.
If your husband chooses to drink and stay away from home and church - neglect his children/wife etc... then he can continue staying where ever it is he's been living when he has been "away" from home.
Personally - I don't live with ongoing substance abuser, child neglecter, or a wife beater (for example) - if they want to get help I would support him and I would attend counseling with said person(whenever possible). He don't get back into the house until he can show improvement and be sober/responsible/managing anger - being respectful - loving toward children/and spouse(I would have set a certain amount of time for the good behavior to be established and if he can reach that goal - then he can move back into the home.
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/13/2009 5:52:52 AM
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cindybode
Posts: 916
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Northwest PA
Status: offline
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Check out THIS website. Your husband needs to grow up and start loving his wife as Christ loved the church. End of discussion.
_____________________________
If you lock in any creature, from rats to chickens to pigs to people, 10 to 30 or more in a box and force feed them you'll create little monsters. Confinement Education School Operations (CESOs) just don't compare to naturally pastured free-ranged kids.
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RE: Really needing advice - 10/14/2009 1:20:16 PM
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heremainsfaithful
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/14/2009
From: Alabama
Status: online
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Anyone who says that a godly woman would stay with an abusive husband no questions asked has obviously never suffered abuse. That being said, there are some things you have to consider when deciding how to save a marriage. Are you safe? Are your children safe? If the answer is no, then measures have to be taken.
I'll share a little tale. This secretary at one of my husband's churches lived with an abusive alcoholic husband for many years. She walked on eggshells, tried to please him, and prayed for him diligently. The pastor's advice to her when she went to him was basically she needed to be more submissive and pray more. Later, this pastor prayed with many others in the waiting room of the ICU as she struggled for her life after her husband beat her with a shovel. She did heal, but her face will never be the same. I often wondered if the pastor pondered his advice to her as he sat in that waiting room. Probably not. People like that rarely do.
I think you have been directed correctly that God's Word - his whole word - is our greatest answer. Since my husband graduated from a very biblically conservative seminary, I can tell you that the root of "submissive" is not "doormat." So do not be afraid to stand up for what is right - and what is wrong - in this situation. And find a good balanced church home to become a part of, one that isn't permissive or Pharisaical. I wish you well.
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