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am I putting God to the test? - 10/12/2009 10:06:50 PM
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my quivers full
Posts: 110
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Canada
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I am hoping to find something here...
What I am going to share is blunt honest but it needs to be in order for me to find honest answers. I'll give you background first
My wife took the kids and left me almost 2 1/2 years ago. Filed for divorce and we are still in the fog over what's happening with that. I was pretty shaken up, got counseling and worked on my "stuff". People tell me I have changed tremendously over this time while others say they can see the hand of God at work in my life. I have believed that through all the prayers for my marriage, that God has assured me He was going to work things out. I can testify to seeing Him work on both our hearts but she still chooses to harden herself towards me.
I have fought with depression, struggled to hold onto hope, dealing with loneliness which has led me to porn. Some days it's not an issue but when the darkness closes in, I feel as though even God does not care. Intellectually, I know this is not true, for I know His word says He does not leave nor forsake us. I have wondered if I look at porn because I am angry with God and like a misbehaving child, I am wanting His attention? Even if that's bad attention, for it would seem better than nothing at all. I read once that the opposite of love is not hate but apathy. At least hate is an emotion you feel towards someone, but apathy is not caring at all. I can't blame God for my marital condition, I bear my responsibility for my part and I can't accuse God of apathy for He is perfect in all His ways and all that He does is good, but I'm not feeling loved, rather rejected, despised, unwanted and an inconvenience. Am I testing God with my rebellious behavior?
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No trees were hurt in the making of this post, but a few electrons were terribly inconvienenced :)
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RE: am I putting God to the test? - 10/12/2009 11:15:45 PM
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LCannon
Posts: 1118
Joined: 2/22/2007
From: Lebanon, OR
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Probably God's not testing you rather disciplining you for 'rebellious behavior'. Testing/trials(I know there's a fine line but for this discussion I'm considering them together)is to prove one's obedience and strengthen one's resolve. Discipline(of the redeemed)on the other hand is designed for restoration back into obedience-'Now, discipline always seems painful rather than pleasant at the time, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.'(Hebrews 12:11)
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'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' (Joshua 1:5)
''Let the very worst thing come to pass[and]even there,
especially there; His hand will hold.' -Elisabeth Elliot-
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RE: am I putting God to the test? - 10/12/2009 11:17:10 PM
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CMT8808
Posts: 248
Joined: 9/4/2009
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Quivers Full~
I do not believe you are being rebellious. I believe God knows you are hurting and is giving you grace.
If your wife is hardening her heart towards God and you then God will not interfere with what He gives us all and that is freewill in our choices.
I know sometimes when anger hits we sometimes take it out on the one that is nearest and dearest. Like the saying goes, hurting people hurt others.
By viewing porn in mho, you are only hurting yourself (and your soul).
There is a website on porn that has a forum where others can help you better, it is: www.fredstoeker.com , then go under community to reach their forum.
said a prayer for you
CMT
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formerly Delete 123
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RE: am I putting God to the test? - 10/12/2009 11:41:57 PM
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my quivers full
Posts: 110
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
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I have accountability software of my computer from xxxchurch.com and my 2 accountability partners are made aware. I even email them myself to let them know what's up before they get any reports. You are right, I am hurting and I have not been able to stop. At first, it was a constant pain that filled my day but after so long, I am numb to most of it but it does hit me every so often and I fall. I can't walk away so I do feel trapped. I have told God I hate being where I am but I am not released from this place. His promise of restoration has yet to come to pass but I do hear Him saying He wants me to thrive despite these trying circumstances. I have ordered a book called " Thriving despite a difficult marriage". I've read a little from it and it seems to speak to what is in my heart. I can't be bound to this situation.
I can not see that God is happy with me. I read His word often and I do pray though sometimes I am at a loss for words. I am emotionally tired and I have not been able to rest. There have been many days where I have not felt like I could go on, yet somehow i do. I do not want to soldier on through misery.
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No trees were hurt in the making of this post, but a few electrons were terribly inconvienenced :)
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