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Marriage issues - 10/14/2009 10:46:54 AM
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topdog1
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Joined: 10/14/2009
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Hello folks. New here. I am having a problem dealing with an issue that I hope some body can help me with. Hubby cheated on me about 6 months ago. I have proof that he did but he will not admit to it. He says it was just friendship but I have proof otherwise. My problem is that I love him very much and have tried so hard to forgive and forget but have not been able to. It has been 6 months of pure pain that is eating me up. Please help me with any advice at all.
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RE: Marriage issues - 10/14/2009 12:06:09 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1762
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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First: What, exactly is 'proof' of a sexual affair? There is only one thing in this case that really qualifies as 'proof' would be your own personal eywitnessing of a sexual act in sufficient detail to have seen the intercourse itself. Or perhaps a DNA test of semen found on the woman that is matched to your husband... 'Proof' is a strong word. Is that the proof you are talking about? Or perhaps a better term for what you are talking about would be 'very compelling evidence'.
If you want to discuss things (particularly with your husband) in the light of truth, it's important that you use appropriate words and not overstate your case, particularly when stating it as an accusation.
Second: What sorts of ideas and motivations are forming your decision (over the past 6 months) to continue sharing a home with someone whom you believe to have committed adultery against you. (There are a lot of reasons, and I'd like to know where you are coming from. I'm hearing that it's mostly about emotional attachment, and possibly a sense of 'Christian duty' - are their also elements of fear, guilt, shame, control, responsibility... or other things?)
Third: Forgiving a sin that has not been confessed, especially a sin involving betrayal is an extremely difficult thing... Forgetting about it is impossible, and never actually called for... And restoring a marriage covenant after that sort of thing involves plenty of hard work for both people in that marriage. (Unfortunately you are only able to do part of that, you are not able to coerce your husband to do his part.)
If you want to go through that, I'm advising you to cooly face and accept the whole drawn out process, including your own powerlessness over certain aspects of it. Deal with your own anger at being saddled with it, and acknowledge that it's not actually mandatory. Count the cost. It is not possible to just wish the thing away and hope for your old life back. Recognize that this is at least a 24 month road, and that's only with a good counselor and your husband's willing participation. (And it excruciatingly painful that whole time.)
Fourth: What kind of support do you have? Does your family know? Are they supportive or intrusive? Does anyone in ministry know? Are they supportive or intrusive? Friends? Others? -- And have you set up your first series of appointments with a qualified Christian counselor? (If you haven't you can consider that to be advice.)
_____________________________
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RE: Marriage issues - 10/14/2009 12:43:06 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1476
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I cant see how you can ever move on unless he admits to what he did. If you are sure he had an affair then you may have to take drastic action for him to admit to it, such as seperation or serious counselling.
I could not live with this situation myself. if he is lying then that is just as bad as the adultery. How can you ever trust him?
Have you been to your pastor or elders to get them to speak to him? He needs to be challenged on this.
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RE: Marriage issues - 10/14/2009 1:06:57 PM
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heremainsfaithful
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/14/2009
From: Alabama
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If you believe your husband is having an affair, take some time (not too awfully long) to compile evidence. Confront and expect the truth. If you know this is going on - and yes, you can know without having to walk in on them - then my next advice would be to expose this truth to anyone who may have influence over your husband. If he confesses, he needs to take absolute responsibility for his affair. Bad marriage are a dime a dozen, and there are many other ways to deal with them besides having an affair. Period. When he fully discloses what HE did without blame-shifting to you, then you can talk accountability. Part of that is no contact with his woman ever again. This "staying friends" stuff will not work. And it needs to be a clean break, none of this spending a year slowly letting her down easy. And if he works with her, somebody needs to find a new job. You need access to his cell phone, all his emails, install a key-logger on the computer.
Once he experiences true repentance, you can begin to move forward in forgiveness. But, as my husband says, forgiveness is not a one-time thing. It happens over and over. A cheater has no standing. They need to be humble and earn their way back into trust. No more female friends for him. No more anything that is secret from you - ever. And that goes both ways.
These are the things that my husband and I did after my affair three years ago. I don't think any of them are negotiable. I may sound harsh toward cheaters, but that is because I was one, and this hand-holding, head-patting thing that the world does doesn't cut it. Tough love really is the answer.
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RE: Marriage issues - 10/14/2009 2:02:03 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1762
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From: Canada
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Good post, and highly insightful... One quibble though -- it is possible to forgive before the other person repents, or if they never repent.... it's just one of those murderously hard callings that I have great compassion for those who have to do so, and great respect for any who have. (What's not possible is to restore the relationship without both repentance and forgiveness on an ongoing basis.)
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Marriage issues - 10/14/2009 2:06:11 PM
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heremainsfaithful
Posts: 190
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From: Alabama
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That's true about forgiveness. I felt really bad about what I did before I reached what I would call true repentance. Yet my H was already in the process of trying to forgive me.
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RE: Marriage issues - 10/14/2009 2:35:40 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1476
Joined: 3/13/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
Good post, and highly insightful... One quibble though -- it is possible to forgive before the other person repents, or if they never repent.... it's just one of those murderously hard callings that I have great compassion for those who have to do so, and great respect for any who have. (What's not possible is to restore the relationship without both repentance and forgiveness on an ongoing basis.)
bolt, yes I agree it is perfectly possible for us to forgive before repantance. Both my husband and I have forgiven our ex spouses after his ex had an affair and my ex committed very serious sexual sin,(and neither has actually appologised to us).BUT as you say, a marriage cannot thrive or even begin to heal without true honesty and accountability.There would always be this unresolved issue.
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RE: Marriage issues - 10/14/2009 2:49:04 PM
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topdog1
Posts: 2
Joined: 10/14/2009
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Thanks so much. I was starting to feel that there is something wrong with me for not being able to just get over it. I thought we had a good marriage before this happened. I didnt think there were any issues at all, that is why this is even more surprising to me that it has taken place. Now part of the hurt is also the fact that I am certain this has happened (i do have proof) and he will not even admit he has done wrong. He denies it all. It has been over 6 months and I dont feel any better about it. Dont know where to go from here.
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RE: Marriage issues - 10/15/2009 8:14:03 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 1762
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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This is where you go from here:
(1) Get a few reccomedations of qualified Christian counsellors -- one or two from your pastor, and also from a couple of other random pastors that you can call out of the phone book. Call the potential counselors, speak to them, and try to get a feel for someone that you find comfortable. Make sure they are qualified (they have degrees and make their living from this) and Christian (they uphold the Bible and know how to apply it). Make an appointment shortly.
(Qualified counsellors do not come cheap -- even if they are Christains. They are higly trained professionals... at least the kind you want is... and their prices reflect that. If money is an issue you might need to consider cutbacks or even a loan, the way you would if this were something you had to pay for for your physical health.)
(2) Speak to your husband. Say to him, "Our marriage is not going well for me right now. I've made a counselling appointment for <whenever> with a Christian counsellor named <whatever>. Will you be there for us?" Any response will do - yes, no, not sure, I'll check my callendar... whatever. You've told him what he needs to know. The decision is his. This is not the time for any sort of discussion. If he tries to draw you out, simply tell him that you will discuss it all at the appointment, that he will have to wait, and then try to get off the topic.
(3) Presuming he comes, simply sit down in the session and say, "Johnny, I have something to tell you. I believe that you have been sexually unfaithful to me. The reason I believe that is <whatever> and I am of two minds as to whether to stay in this marriage that you have broken. I might be able to heal, but I'm not sure I'm willing to." Then let the counsellor take it from there. This may go allong quite well into your 24 months of healing and restoration.
(4) If your husband does not go along well -- if he continues to deny it (do think very critically about your 'proof' if this is the case) or if he bucks the process, refuses accountability etc -- or if the pain gets so bad for you that you consider abandoning the process.... Then you will have to consider first, a separation where the door is still open, if he changes his choices -- then a divorce. It is him that broke faith with you, and there is a limit to both your willingness.
It's easy enough to write, but its drop-dead-crazy-painful and beyond comprehension how difficult it will be for you. You do have Biblical grounds just to go straight to step 4... I only provided the others because you don't seem ready to do that right now... and that might be a good thing (or it might not be).
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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