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What do you find works best for disciplining your child?
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What do you find works best for disciplining your child? - 10/17/2009 7:38:17 PM
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Fritzpw_Admin
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Joined: 2/28/2005
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quote:
Dr. John Rosemond on Disciplining Your Child Successfully
Whitney Hopler - Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of John Rosemond's new book, The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2009).
No issue seems to frustrate parents more than how to discipline their kids. From trying to tame toddler tantrums to urging teens to clean their rooms, parents often experience more stress than positive results.
If you're struggling to get your kids to behave well, there's hope. Viewing yourself as a God-given leader for your kids and communicating your authority effectively will change the way you discipline. As a result, your kids' behavior will change for the better.
Here's how you can discipline your kids successfully:
Don't make excuses for your kids. Accept the reality that your kids - just like all people - have a sin nature that makes it natural for them to misbehave. While you love your kids, they're not innocent. Approach discipline with the understanding that you need to train your kids to develop good attitudes and actions. Remember that the root word of discipline is "disciple" and realize that disciplining your kids is a vital part of their spiritual growth. Don't make excuses for them when they behave badly. Instead, challenge them to learn how to do better, and help and encourage them along the way.
Read the rest of Dr. John Rosemond on Disciplining Your Child Successfully
What do you find works best for disciplining your child?
What tips in the article do you disagree with?
What would you add?
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RE: What do you find works best for disciplining your c... - 10/17/2009 10:55:28 PM
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bolt.
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"Don't make excuses" -- but don't be afraid to explore reasons and reasonings behind poor choices. Jumping to 'they did it because they are sinful' is not very helpful in most situations. In most situations, they also 'did it' because it made sense to them, and sometimes their developmental level might have made a better choice quite opaque to them. There's nothing unspiritual about trying to grasp the child's perspective in order to shift it, rather than just overrule it.
"View discipline as love" -- yes, it is, but that doesn't mean that they secretly want you to do it or appreciate your care... just that it's for their good whether they like it or not. Maybe they begin to see it somewhat when they are older, but not when they are 3.
"Be short and sweet" -- do communicate an instruction succinctly, and expect compliance, without 'why' as a delay tactic. But, if there is plenty of time, there is no reason not to expand your teaching (disciple-ing) to include the reasons why your instructions make sense, either before the instruction is given, or after the task is accomplished. Also, better than, "Because I told you so." which reeks of attitude, a less needle-ing response is simply, "I'm not going to answer that. Off you go."
To this, I'd add, ask for what you want (not what you don't want) and use a consistent vocabulary for instructions.
"Nip misbehaviour in the bud" -- I think this guy is working with older kids in mind. Young children 2-6 year olds need to be taught each skill of appropriate behaviour one skill at a time, through an age appropriate understandable teaching method. If something is not appropriate, add it to your 'to teach' list, and get to it in a low stress teaching situation. Then practice it. Once it is a skill they have, then enforce it consistently.
"Let your kids solve their own problems" -- a good one, of course, age appropriate. Some problems are too big. That's why you have to know your kids.
"Follow through with consequences" -- for me, a warning (or threat) is fair enough, plus some time for them to redirect themselves. Mine are young. But follow through is essential. Warnings are only warnings if they are true. That's why you've got to be careful of what you threaten with.
"Keep going until you reach a cure" -- yes
"Bite off only as much as you can chew" -- absolutely (although I'd quibble that first priority should go to those behaviours that are causing relational stress, before those that are easiest to tackle).
"Consider using a tickets system" -- a reasonable idea, but not universal.
"End bedtime battles" -- yes-but... some needs are real, such as a genuine nightmare, a headache or upset tummy, a lost lovey. Those need a loving response.
"End food fights" -- yes-but... some food aversions are simple enough to address, and that's just an interpersonal kindness. Mashed potatoes make you gag, if I know that, your plate gets a slice of bread instead. To me, that's fair. Other considerations, like spice or sauce being separate and optional, not mixed in also seem fair enough. Also, there should be a statute of limitations on when a new meal rolls around, then the last leftovers are irrelevant, and they get 'new food'.
"Refuse to play the lying game" -- sounds good, but that's not in my age-range yet. As preschoolers, lying is a bit of a muddle and it is important that the child grasp the idea that only the truth is ethical, and that the past doesn't actually change just because you want it to. Again, teaching comes before enforcement.
"Tame tantrums" -- reasonable, for some ages and temperaments. I have a more detailed strategy myself.
"Finish toilet training quickly" -- no. No. NO. Absolutely not. Only if a parent is completely convinced that the child is having 'accidents' as an act of defiance. Otherwise, a child who is having accidents needs teaching, encouragement, a sense of victory, help with telling time... all sorts of things rather than severity and isolation.
I'd add the idea of empowering children with an understanding of their capacity (which is much more impressive than most parents have the patience to explore and re-enforce with kids) and their range of choices, including the choice to disobey (knowing what will happen if they choose that).
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RE: What do you find works best for disciplining your c... - 10/18/2009 10:47:26 AM
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TXRedhead
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I agree with virtually all of his advice. Of course, I'm assuming he's speaking generally. For example, I doubt seriously that he means that if a child is sick or visibly upset from a nightmare that you should just send them back to their rooms; I'm certain he's speaking generally about cases where the child is clearly doing whatever it takes to make bedtime into a battle of wills with the parents.
The only advice I don't agree with is the potty training one. While I agree with his method of getting rid of diapers and such as being pretty effective, I don't personally think a child needs to be sent to his/her room until they're willing to do the potty training correctly. I wasn't sure that, in this respect, he was speaking in general terms of misbehavior [in other words, of a child who has shown in the past that they can go on the potty and is simpy not doing it to be willfully disobedient]. It sounded more like this was his recommendation for any slow potty-trainer.
Otherwise, I tend to agree with most everything he suggests. I certainly agree with the need for early boundaries and consistency with them. I also agree that parents who make excuses for their kids' behavior often don't follow through on appropriate discipline regarding it. I have a friend who has a 6 year old son and a 9 year old daughter who will still both throw massive tantrums [kicking and hitting] when they don't get their way. I've watched how she'll make excuses for the behaviors and then not really follow through on any real discipline as a result.
I also really agree with not feeling like you need to give a reason why to everything. I especially took the "I told you so" path with mine when they were toddlers. There were too many instances where I knew they would just need to obey quickly for me to mess with them just standing there and demanding a reason 'why' from me. When I tell a child to get out of the middle of the parking lot, I expect it to be obeyed immediately and without question. That's not to say that I didn't explain why at a later time [I always did], but that, in the moment of being told what to do, my kids understood very early on that they were to act first and question later.
At any rate, I think he's right that consistent and clear boundaries are a vital key in helping to curb and prevent discipline problems in your kids from early on and throughout. They aren't the end-all, be-all of solutions, but they certainly don't hurt.
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RE: What do you find works best for disciplining your c... - 10/18/2009 9:43:35 PM
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herestoresmysoul
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be consistant firm and loving. I dont believe that any physical punishment does any good,(and can do harm) there are many many other ways of disciplining.
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RE: What do you find works best for disciplining your c... - 10/18/2009 9:47:38 PM
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herestoresmysoul
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Joined: 3/13/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
be consistant firm and loving. I dont believe that any physical punishment does any good,(and can do harm) there are many many other ways of disciplining.There is both good and bad in children just as there is on all of us. Ignore bad behaviour and reward good behaviour with more attention etc. Kids want our attention and if they can get it by behaving, then they will behave. If the only time that they get attention is when they are acting up then they will act up.
quote]
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RE: What do you find works best for disciplining your c... - 10/18/2009 11:23:42 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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Since I agreed with most of what the article said, the writer must be close to correct in most of what the article said! 
But the potty-training thing? Uh, no!
And the "ticket" thing, after the writer had already written "no second chances"? That is giving a second and third chance, hooking bad behaviors together for a single disciplinary action. That won't make it into my "book."
The title asked, quote:
What do you find works best for disciplining your child?
When they were tiny, removing the item causing bad behavior and distraction toward better behavior.
When they were older, having them reason out why what they were doing was not right/would not work well; talking about it and having them respond aloud.
When they were teens, using humor, reasoning, etc.
And above all things at all ages, modeling the behavior I wanted them to have.
When they were teens, and could reason things out with me well, however, I listened to their idea, and if they were correct, I was not ashamed to say, "Oh. You're right," and back off what I had originally said.
Oh, yeah -- and being consistent in all things, sticking to my word.
< Message edited by Covaan_Meshuga -- 10/18/2009 11:31:02 PM >
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While in prayer or praise, I am only as devoted to G-d as I am in my most private moments.
Abiyah, if you had known them as G-d knows them, you would have answered them differently.
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RE: What do you find works best for disciplining your c... - 10/20/2009 7:34:54 PM
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peculiar_lady2
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I totally disagree about the potty training. That is about developmental ability more then them just being selfish. I have also had kids that reverted in that area when they couldn't handle changes in life (like us moving around the world). So even if they used to be able to do things doesn't necessarily mean they will always be able to ALL the time.
quote:
What do you find works best for disciplining your child?
*Clear set "rules"...how are they supposed to know what to do or not do if you change it all the time.
*For us, there are 3 things that will lead to a definite spanking- lying, safety issues (such as a toddler poking stuff into an electrical outlet or a child sitting down in the middle of a parking lot because they don't want to walk), and specific defiance against authority.
*we like to try to come up with disciplines that will be natural consequences...such as they don't put their laundry in the basket, it doesn't get washed and they have to deal with that...they fight over a toy, the toy goes to time out until it can be shared...they forget to put their toys away, they can't get more toys out until the mess is cleaned up first...they draw on the wall, they have to clean it off.
We don't set out to be right all the time. We treat each of our kids individually and try to find things that work best for them. We don't expect the same things out of each of our children, but we do expect each to live up to a basic standard we have set in our house in their own way. We don't expect someone too short to do something that a taller kid can do, but we do expect the shorter one to compensate in other ways so that they too are contributing to the family unit also.
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