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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previous dating relationships?
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/26/2009 8:56:46 AM
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Sideways
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I do not regret dating before my husband, and I kinda wish I'd dated a bit more, actually. But to be fair, I went a bit to far with one boyfriend (not sex but close), and I regret that. I suppose it all worked out for the best. My dH slept with 2 people before me, and he says he wishes he'd waited, but it's not been a major issue in our marriage. Actually, it's not really been an issue at all.
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Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/26/2009 11:59:15 AM
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Auben
Posts: 1147
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From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
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I didn't date or kiss before my husband and we didn't meet until I was in my mid-20s. I don't miss dating other people, nor do I think that makes me special.
You don't necessarily have to date around to 'know who you are' or 'know what kind of person you want.' I kept a clear head, never felt I had to date, and learned a lot from the people I saw around me. I learned what kind of man I wanted by being friends with guys, not dating them.
I'm not sorry about that. Being so cool-headed saved me a lot of pain. I knew I wasn't ready to date when other people were doing it. I could have gotten myself in a lot of trouble.
I am not everybody else though. I think I'll be more likely to tell my kids not to date because they feel its the 'normal' or 'right' thing to do for their age. Keep their eyes open for things they like (and don't) and take their time. There's nothing wrong with dating a few people before you find the right person, but make sure its for the right reasons, not because having a boyfriend makes you feel pretty and worthwhile or just because she's hot and she'll let you kiss her (or whatever).
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Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/26/2009 3:38:13 PM
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Nate79
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
I personally see no purpose in inflaming things with physical intimacies if marriage isn't in the near future, and glad I never went there.
Amen.
I'm going to stress to my children the reality that getting physical when dating entwines your hearts and sometimes clouds your judgment.
I don't regret my previous dating relationship before I was married, but I do regret some of the things I did within that relationship. Though we never had sex, we did things that should be reserved for marriage. The girl ended up ending it when I refused to have sex with her ... revealing her true intentions. In hindsight, I think I would have ended the relationship much sooner if the physical aspect hadn't been allowed to enter. As many have said, I don't dwell on the past. I may think of my ex once a year, if that.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/26/2009 6:42:55 PM
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keithyhuntington
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well, to be honest and fair to anyone reading. i only had 3? or 4? girlfriends before my wife. 1 of them i could see myself marrying (at the time... not now) and the others were just: 'they were there, i was there, eh... what the heck' type of deals.
i never went beyond kissing with any of those girls. i always wanted to save myself for my wife. so that was the goal. me being a man, USUALLY teh man is the one in controll of the passion (usually...) and so i pretty much was willing to bet, we would go as far as i would let it. and all i was interesting in back then was 'gettin some tongue' so whatever. and thats pretty much how it ended up going. 1 of the girls i dated wasnt even a christian, so again... im sure i had oppurtunities to go alot further with atleast her had i breached teh subject, you know?
my wife on the other hand, she doesnt knock dating guys. shes a little bit more strict about it than i though. she believes to not date unless you think you'll marry the person... i've always thought that to be bologna. my wife doesnt believe in kissing unless your in a serious relationship, i dont mind the friends with benefits deal. been there, done that... it was a pretty sweet deal.
i may have a COMPLETELY differnt perspective had things gone differently in my past (ie, gone further than i did) but for me, dating was just a way to not feel guilty about 'getting some mack' as they put it in the 90s... and i really don't regret any of that education i got on women/girls and what to do in certain scenarios. at least by the time i met my now wife... i knew how to stinkin' kiss a woman. so i'm grateful for that. 
_____________________________
Jesus Christ please help me 'cause i'm lonely. Whats the use in living, if you can't make a good living?
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/26/2009 7:14:52 PM
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isaacsmom
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Well . . . . I was 18 when I married, just out of high school. I dated/kissed several boys between the ages of 13-16, until I started dating my husband. What I regret is that I allowed boys to consume my teenage life. I could've accomplished a lot more and enjoyed more time with my friends had it not been for that. I focused much more on boys than I did on God. Some of the relationships were short-lived and sweet, one of them was filled with emotional abuse, manipulation and pain. What pointless heartbreak and shame at such a young age.
I was *only* 16 when I began dating my husband (whom I am positive is THE spouse God intended for me), he was a responsible, noble, Christian young man with the most wonderful family. It would have been nice if I would've just not dated any of the others until him, as young as I was. We've been married more than 10 years now. ♥
That's just my experience. I'm sure it's different for people who were single longer.
< Message edited by isaacsmom -- 10/26/2009 7:24:46 PM >
_____________________________
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Beware of posing as a profound person -- God became a baby. ~Oswald Chambers
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/26/2009 9:47:28 PM
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casalys
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I have been married for 14 years and was 15 when I got together with my husband. We got married when we were 18 and 19. I did have other boyfriends and he had other girlfriends, though we lost our virginity to each other. That was before we were married and I did get pregnant. We have four children now. Our marriage has had really rough times, but none of it related to previous relationships, or for that matter the fact that we were with other people after we were married (early on there was cheating). The deceptions hurt more than anything, but not the actual acts. There was some jealousy, but that easily dealt with. I know many people tend to be more jealous than us, and it's not that we weren't but in the big picture we were secure in other's love and past relationships did not change that.
I was raised in church and family where the guard your heart thing was really important. There was a skit about a girl tearing her heart into pieces with each sexual relationship. Everyone was saying to stay pure and admitting they had not and as I got older discovered people weren't even suffering any repercussions from these previous serious, even sexual, relationships. I was so confused, but I believe that the hurt occurs when relationships are handled irresponsibility. My husband and I have realized the truth that you can love more than one person fully. Just as a previous poster said if we can love our children fully without favorites and our family and close friends, then why should we expect romantic love to be different? My husband and I are extremely satisfied and happy and don't have any regrets.
_____________________________
Christa
Wife to Jack, Mother to Alyssa, Cassandra, Brian, and Lydia
Freedom is knowing I can't be good enough for God.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/27/2009 4:47:17 AM
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Anon101
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There are pros and cons to the no kissing, touching, anything until after marriage. I didn't kiss my now husband other than a smooch here and there. We were together for eight years before marrying. That behavior or habit has continued into our marriage. You can get into a habit of no physical contact and that become the "norm" for your relationship. That is not a good thing.
I think any normal couple will have an intense desire to be intimate. That is normal. We are not to defile the marriage bed. Kissing doesn't defile the marriage bed. When a marriage is consummated there is a combining of two people into one. I did a great deal of researching the "why's" behind God's law on this. Without getting too graphic, there is a reason why the physical act of intercourse is so sacred. Blood is considered to be the life force of each individual and it is involved in covenants with God and us. It took the shedding of the blood of an innocent lamb for forgiveness of sin, then Christ shed his blood for us. When a virgin (the way it is supposed to be) and her husband consummate the relationship, there is an exchange of blood and that is the two becoming one flesh. There is an exchange of dna and everything else that is in the blood of an individual. The two become one physically and spiritually because there is a blood covenant between the two.
As a couple, you never want to put yourself in a situation where turning back is almost impossible meaning tempting yourselves beyond the point of no return. One thing leads to another and another... Not letting things get too heated before you go too far is important. That is why Paul said it is better to get married than to burn (with lust or that normal intense desire to consummate the relationship). Each couple needs to know where that cut off point is for them. Respecting your partner in a relationship is knowing your partner's boundaries and weaknesses in this area and not going past that point.
< Message edited by Lorilynn777 -- 10/27/2009 4:59:34 AM >
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/27/2009 11:28:34 AM
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dnp200450
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Lorilynn777
There are pros and cons to the no kissing, touching, anything until after marriage. I didn't kiss my now husband other than a smooch here and there. We were together for eight years before marrying. That behavior or habit has continued into our marriage. You can get into a habit of no physical contact and that become the "norm" for your relationship. That is not a good thing.
Perhaps more couples should avoided; kissing, touching, and physical contact before marriage. It cuts down on the "escalating temptation" issue. Lorilynn777 in your case you it worked for 8 years. I know many Christian couples that marry because they feel they can't handle the desire/temptation anymore. All the ones I know who felt this way were the "touchy-affectionate" types. IMO sex is the wrong reason to marry.
Avoiding physical contact in dating/courtship is not necessarily bad because it is a form of sexual expression. On the flip side this can send mixed messages because a fiance can think their loved one is "stone-hearted, a "dud" or worse of all, gay! Well as Lorilynn777 points out, after years of this behavior it can become the "norm" because you can become proud of not feeling desire and being 100% immune to temptation or lustful thoughts. Success reinforces the behavior and it can now become the Gold Standard. It can be very difficult to switch out of this after a few years. I don't know if the problem is more difficult for men or women. But as a guy I see if from a lot of the Brothers.
Enough of this little detour and now back to the thread 
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/27/2009 1:06:17 PM
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bricole77
Posts: 111
Joined: 7/28/2006
From: Grand Haven, MI
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quote:
ORIGINAL: StephenJ
I'm curious.
I myself am not married, but growing up in the particular enviroment that I did there were alot of books that I was exposed to that talked about guarding your "emotional and physical purity." For example if you have a lot of deep physically and emotionally intimate relationships before you settle down then it will hurt your ability to connect with your spouse. In other words, you give a bit of your heart to each person you ever become involved with, so when you finally find "the one" you don't have your whole heart to give to them.
So my question to you married folks is. Do you regret your previous relationships (even brief hook ups) and have they hindered your marriage in tangible way?
Thanks in advance.
I'm not married but saw your post in the relationships folder so thought I would post here. In my last serious relationship I found myself regretting past boyfriends alot. I had a hard time letting go of the ones I had spiritually/emotionally/physically connected with. Sometimes I would even compare my current bf at the time to my exes. Which just isn't fair. I spoke to one of my friends one day and they were telling me the dangers of spiritual intimacy before marriage and I realized that when praying with exes and emotionally connecting to them I was creating bonds that weren't ready to be formed yet. So now when I date I put myself in check when it comes to creating those bonds and create lots of boundaries.
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~*britanni *~
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/27/2009 2:48:30 PM
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Hazel2
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Stephen, I was not a wise dater ... I had a lot of sexual relationships as well as emotionally intimate ones. I am now married and dearly regret my lack of discretion. However, there has been no tangible damage done to my marriage from my indiscretions ... I credit God's mercy for this! My advice is to imagine you ARE married, a s you will likely one day be. That way, you can avoid betraying this now unknown person as you look for her. Do you get what I am saying? It has occurred to me tha many of my previous relationships were me being unfaithful to my husband. If I'd trusted God, I would have known he had a wonderful man waiting for me, and I would NOT have been so foolish as I waited for him to appear on the horizon!
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Will you please remember my husband, John, in prayer He is not saved. Thank you and God bless you!
"Be kind. Everyone you meet is in the midst of a great battle" Plato
I sometimes blog at defrazzled.blogspot.com
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/27/2009 6:23:33 PM
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42servehymn
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I only had one serious relationship other than my husband and I don't regret it at all. I am richer for having had that relationship.
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I am my husbands #1 fan!
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/27/2009 11:36:13 PM
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ptz
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quote:
ORIGINAL: StephenJ
I'm curious.
I myself am not married, but growing up in the particular enviroment that I did there were alot of books that I was exposed to that talked about guarding your "emotional and physical purity." For example if you have a lot of deep physically and emotionally intimate relationships before you settle down then it will hurt your ability to connect with your spouse. In other words, you give a bit of your heart to each person you ever become involved with, so when you finally find "the one" you don't have your whole heart to give to them.
So my question to you married folks is. Do you regret your previous relationships (even brief hook ups) and have they hindered your marriage in tangible way?
Thanks in advance.
I met my now husband when I was 24 years old. I never had dated, kissed, had a relationship before I met him. He was the first and only boyfriend I ever had, and he is now my husband. My husband had had a serious girlfriend in high school for 3 years, and had been intimate with her. I have to say early on in my marriage it 'bothered' me a bit. It made me very 'insecure', and not 'experienced' in anything regarding relationships. I was afraid that he would 'compare' me to her, and that I would never be able to 'measure up'. Although, it was completely my own hang up of the whole thing. Who am I to act 'holier than thou?", and 'judge' when I am a sinner as well?. He has repented, and is so very truely sorry for what he is done, and I don't 'beat him up' about it, because i know that he has repented and has huge regret over what he did. So, it was hard for me in the beginning, but I love him very much, and he chose me and not them. Our relationship is very good and we are happy.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/28/2009 5:59:16 AM
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Anon101
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I'm amazed to find so many people on this forum that were successful in not having sexual intercourse prior to marriage. You are so blessed to have found someone who didn't demand sex as a part of your pre-marital relationship. This occurs inside and outside the church believe it or not. Christian men I dated wouldn't wait, either.
I didn't think men who were willing to wait expecially if they were good looking or THOUGHT they were every woman's dream. LOL!
I regret one relationship I had prior to my husband. I was very much in love with this person, but the relationship was wrong. I broke it off after four years because I had to choose between serving God or staying in an ungodly relationship. I chose God. I wasn't easy though because I was in love. I went into a deep depression after the breakup, stopped eating, and now have medical problems (thyroid died) due to the depression. So needless to say, I have my regrets and for good reason.
Again, kudos to all of you that were able to find your soul-mate w/o defiling the marriage bed. To marry to love of your life undefiled is what God intended for marriage. You are so blessed!
< Message edited by Lorilynn777 -- 10/28/2009 6:06:38 AM >
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/28/2009 3:17:49 PM
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KaptZ
Posts: 177
Joined: 10/28/2009
From: The swamps of Jersey
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quote:
ORIGINAL: StephenJ
I'm curious.
I myself am not married, but growing up in the particular enviroment that I did there were alot of books that I was exposed to that talked about guarding your "emotional and physical purity." For example if you have a lot of deep physically and emotionally intimate relationships before you settle down then it will hurt your ability to connect with your spouse. In other words, you give a bit of your heart to each person you ever become involved with, so when you finally find "the one" you don't have your whole heart to give to them.
So my question to you married folks is. Do you regret your previous relationships (even brief hook ups) and have they hindered your marriage in tangible way?
Thanks in advance.
No, no regrets. Wouldn't be the man I am without the experiences.
Don't sell your heart short. It's amazing what capacity for love it holds.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/29/2009 7:49:09 AM
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buckifn
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There are two very different factors being discussed here. Dating does not equal a sinful relationship outside of marriage imo.
I guess the difference in generations is in my generation of "dating" it had an entirely different meaning. This has been discussed in other threads and I can't remember which ones lol...but I never asked a girl on a date unless I knew her for awhile and knew enough about her to know we had some things in common ...most of the time we hung out in group settings with 8-10 people doing school related activities and stuff.
Now dating is almost extinct and "booty calls" are the norm. and I am not even THAT OLD! lol
Sins of our past bring a lot of emotional baggage and I can understand how it would def. affect a marriage in a negative way if there were a lot of prior sexual sins. I think that's one of the issues that is not discussed enough in pre-marital counseling.
For those that now have regrets about this I think you may benefit from some spiritual counseling in the area of receiving God's grace. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/29/2009 9:53:34 AM
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Anon101
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quote:
Sins of our past bring a lot of emotional baggage and I can understand how it would def. affect a marriage in a negative way if there were a lot of prior sexual sins. I think that's one of the issues that is not discussed enough in pre-marital counseling.
I totally agree. Past relationships and baggage are not discussed in pre-marital counseling. I stopped going to a church because they were unwilling to marry two people if they found out they had pre-marital sex. I also knew they would never marry my husband and I because we were living together but not having sex and I was right. They flat out told me "no". I thought, if you can't come to church to make it right by getting married and forgiven where can you go? I know so many couples who told me straight out they lied through pre-marital counseling because of the harsh judgement they heard they would receive or just didn't go to pre-marital counseling (like us) because of harsh judgment.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/29/2009 9:29:22 PM
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dnp200450
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quote:
I totally agree. Past relationships and baggage are not discussed in pre-marital counseling. I stopped going to a church because they were unwilling to marry two people if they found out they had pre-marital sex. I also knew they would never marry my husband and I because we were living together but not having sex and I was right. They flat out told me "no". I thought, if you can't come to church to make it right by getting married and forgiven where can you go? I know so many couples who told me straight out they lied through pre-marital counseling because of the harsh judgement they heard they would receive or just didn't go to pre-marital counseling (like us) because of harsh judgment.
So let me get this straight. God said he is pro-marriage and is willing to forgive anyone who asks for it. But this church thought they operated at an even "higher standard" and would not even marry those wanted to do right with a new fresh beginning.
What an absolutely horrible church! I am glad you two passed through relatively unscathed. I bet some people didn't though 
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/30/2009 1:28:24 AM
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Anon101
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dnp200450
quote:
I totally agree. Past relationships and baggage are not discussed in pre-marital counseling. I stopped going to a church because they were unwilling to marry two people if they found out they had pre-marital sex. I also knew they would never marry my husband and I because we were living together but not having sex and I was right. They flat out told me "no". I thought, if you can't come to church to make it right by getting married and forgiven where can you go? I know so many couples who told me straight out they lied through pre-marital counseling because of the harsh judgement they heard they would receive or just didn't go to pre-marital counseling (like us) because of harsh judgment.
So let me get this straight. God said he is pro-marriage and is willing to forgive anyone who asks for it. But this church thought they operated at an even "higher standard" and would not even marry those wanted to do right with a new fresh beginning.
What an absolutely horrible church! I am glad you two passed through relatively unscathed. I bet some people didn't though
The worst hypocrisy of it all was that they married my cousin while she was pregnant, but they did it outside. My aunt/uncle are members and give on a reg. basis so the pastor said they made an exception for my cousin and determined it wouldn't be "breaking the rules" if they married her outside, but for us, no way. The pastor called me at work. I remember running to the bathroom sobbing because I felt angry and dirty.
To get back on point, many people don't carry as much hurt baggage into another relationship. This can even be the baggage of guilt from church or well intentioned Christians. If you did something wrong in a past relationship and the church finds out, you can be blacklisted, like I know many people were. This is of course depending on the church you go to. Then you run around like me thinking God is mad at you all the time. So people are free knowing God has forgiven them, and some are still in bondage to old sins/relationship (if they were ungodly). I aim to get past my church upbringing and learn more about the true nature of God, not the one presented to me as a young Christian.
I'm getting off my soapbox now. 
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 10/30/2009 8:23:49 AM
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Tinkerbell_
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I didn't realise how much baggage I had from previous relationships, and my previous marriage until I got into a committed relationship. There are sooo many things to work through and deal with that I didn't even realise were issues.
So even though I'm not married I would have to say that I do regret having dated heavily before marriage and if I had to do it again I wouldn't have done it.
_____________________________
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 11/5/2009 1:57:41 PM
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hjn
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To be honest I wish I had not had certain relationships. Part of the reason is that I can now see that I was far to young to get involved in the things I got involved in and I got hurt badly a few times, which was probably due to my emotional immaturity and idealistic views.
I do feel that in some ways my prior relationships have influenced my marriage, or at least who I am in my marriage and at times these influences are not good.
I only became a Christian when I was dating the man who is now my husband. After which I realised the wrongs of my passed.
Although I do not think it is wrong to have emotional relationships, I feel that physical relationships are particularly damaging - to an extent they create certain expectations and you do form a deep attachment with the previous partners.
I have prayed and asked for forgiveness and God is gracious and I know that he has forgiven me, the difficult part is forgiving myself.
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 11/9/2009 1:33:26 PM
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jhuperetes
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Just a minor note to this -
I presume this is a reference to Proverbs 4:23
Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life.
The word "libbecha" (לֵב) is almost always translated as "heart", but this is misleading because of linguistic and cultural differences.
I believe for the understanding, in the Old Testament we always need to understand the context.
In historical Jewish beliefs, the center of the intellect was the heart. The center of emotion was the stomach! Historically, when a Jew is in emotional pain, it is expressed as their "stomach" is hurting. Similarly, it is their "heart" where they kept their knowledge, intellect, and mind. This is not unique to Jews, as some other Semitic languages express it (used to express it) similarly.
My point - In English - Our minds need to lead our hearts. That is, the intellect must dictate our emotions. Not vice versa. When one is obedient, one intellectually accepts and does things according to His will, which in turn drives the joyful emotions. Not the case when we rebel or when we are not saved.
quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
No. I think the whole "guard your heart" lingo is stupid. Dating people, learning more about myself and about the person I was dating is all a part of life...esp. during early adulthood. I can't imagine marrying someone and being clueless about what it is like to be in a relationship.
To worry about who my spouse may or may not have dated before me sounds very insecure and childish.
I believe we learn something from every relationship and hopefully we use that knowledge to become a better and wiser person. I know I have.
< Message edited by jhuperetes -- 11/9/2009 1:40:30 PM >
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 11/10/2009 12:42:18 PM
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Datwood2009
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Before I married my wife I had not kissed or touched a woman. I dated a few girls but nothing serious. My wife however, has dated a lot more guys and had sex with them. I knew that before we married and I understood what she went through because I almost had some sexual encounters with a few women.
It kills me sometimes to think that she has been with other guys and has touched other guys sexually. She regrets all those past relationships and wishes she would have waited for me.
Sometimes I think about it so much I think it hurts our relationship some. And recently one of the guys she touched sexually saw my wife's sister and started talking about her. To think that I might see one of the guys she has been with KILLS ME!
I know I should forgive and forget but it is hard! And I probably would have been like her if she didn't come along. I probably would have had sex with other women if we didn't meet.
Does anyone ever ask their husband/wife what they have done with the girl/guy? I ask my wife because I would rather know than think about what could have happened. She hates it but I feel like when I know I don't need to think about it.
Uggg...this issue really bothers me!
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RE: To married folks, do you regret having your previou... - 11/10/2009 1:18:40 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Datwood2009
Before I married my wife I had not kissed or touched a woman. I dated a few girls but nothing serious. My wife however, has dated a lot more guys and had sex with them. I knew that before we married and I understood what she went through because I almost had some sexual encounters with a few women.
It kills me sometimes to think that she has been with other guys and has touched other guys sexually. She regrets all those past relationships and wishes she would have waited for me.
Sometimes I think about it so much I think it hurts our relationship some. And recently one of the guys she touched sexually saw my wife's sister and started talking about her. To think that I might see one of the guys she has been with KILLS ME!
I know I should forgive and forget but it is hard! And I probably would have been like her if she didn't come along. I probably would have had sex with other women if we didn't meet.
Does anyone ever ask their husband/wife what they have done with the girl/guy? I ask my wife because I would rather know than think about what could have happened. She hates it but I feel like when I know I don't need to think about it.
Uggg...this issue really bothers me!
I do think you have to get past this somehow. My huband and I were both married before for 25 and 23 years so we had both and loads and loads of sex with our previous spouses. It never bothered him at all, but it did bother me, as I really would have loved to have been his first, but in the end does it really matter? We are togather now we are faithful and we have a brilliant and happy marriage (whearas hs first marriage wasnt a happy one). No good is done by looking back and allowing it to rob you of peace now.
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