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Totally sexless marriage - 10/21/2009 5:06:54 AM
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Anon101
Posts: 181
Joined: 10/21/2009
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I got married to my boyfriend of eight years in Sept. 2007. We lived together before getting married (I know that is wrong) but to justify it we NEVER were intimate. Right after we got married we made love and I got pregnant. It was a blessing and a surprise. Since then we have not had any relations. At first, he said it was because I was pregnant and that kind of freaked him out. Now our son is 16 months old and we still have not had relations. He says it is because I had an IUD put in right after birth. I did this because I thought we would be having normal relations and I didn't want to get pregnant again right away. We've been married now for over two years and I can count on one hand how many times we've had relations. I've done things to try to trigger some sort of attraction reaction from him but he just looks right through me. When we did have relations there were problems so he couldn't/wouldn't continue. I'm 5' 4" tall, blond, and I get told how pretty I am a lot. That is nice and all, but my husband doesn't seem to care either way.
Honesty, there has never been any chemistry between us. I married him because I love him, yes, but I didn't want to live together w/o being married. When I tried to leave and get my own place, he asked me to marry him. We had been together so long, I thought it was the right thing to do. Also, he was a Christian (he isn't real interested in church or the things of God anymore). I didn't think I'd find another man who would date me w/o any relations before marriage. That is really difficult to find in today's world. So, I look back and realize it is a marriage of convenience.
I'm not happy. He works third shift, comes home and goes upstairs to bed. He sleeps during the day. I sleep on the couch next to the baby. He says I can come upstairs and sleep with him, but when I do it is a very uninviting situation. His sleep is disturbed by me and he has these horrid snoring fits. I leave the bed because I can't sleep through his snoring and I'm not really wanted there. The bed was mine before the marriage and now it is his and the dogs.
My son sleeps in a playpen w/me in the living room downstairs. I sleep on the couch. It has been this way since we got married. My son doesn't like his crib. That is my fault. I should force him to sleep up there. He just cries and cries, though. Since I am so lonely, I bring him downstairs with me.
I'm wondering if God is paying me back for a relationship I had w/a boyfriend years ago that was a very sexually fulfilling one, but wrong. I was sinning, having premarital relations, so after that relationship ended I told God I wouldn't do it again. I didn't mean I never wanted intimacy or relations again, though, especially with my husband.
There is so much more to this story. Hubby is bi-polar (recent diagnosis), I am becoming very depressed and crying out to God. I feel like I live w/a friend, not a husband. He is in counseling and says everything is great. He's o.k. with a sexless marriage. I'm not. When he does touch me, he either tried to talk dirty or goes into like a little boy routine. I wonder if that "talk" is just to sabotage thing so he can say he tried.
I'm new here. I'm hoping I didn't say or add to many details or break any of the rules or make anyone uncomfortable here. Let me know if I did. I apologize in advance.
[Mod note: Moved to Women Only from Marriage. Men's posts OK in the first few posts up to my nudge further down.]
< Message edited by ta_mosquito -- 10/21/2009 9:00:00 AM >
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/21/2009 5:36:23 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1465
Joined: 3/13/2009
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Hi Lorilynn
Fristly God isnt paying you back for anything. We all have free will and you married this man even though you seemed to have doubts and sadly we do have to live with wrong decisions.
Secondly your husband has problems.It may be that he has a very low testerone count and that would mean he needs to go ot the doctors. He may be gay, but I think you would have noticed that. He may have deep emotional/sexual hangups (which may explain the 'little boy' act when you get close to sex) that mean that he cannot get sexually excited by normal things (such as a womens naked body)
I think you need to have counselling together, (probably a LOT) , especially if he isnt going to share with you what is happening in his own counselling sessions.
Also the baby needs to be in his own room.Bringing him down to keep you company isnt going to do him any good.He needs you to be consistant. My husbands mother used to put all of her emotional needs on onto him as she was unhappy with her husband and it really harmed him and now they have no relationship at all, so try not to do that.
The dogs needs to be off your bed, and you need to be in it with your husband.
He needs to go to the doctors to get tested for testerone and if necessary to be put on more.If that is the cause it will make a big difference.
God Bless
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/21/2009 6:00:40 AM
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jk99
Posts: 36
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline
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Lorilynn777
I am very sorry you are experiencing this issue...it is a difficult one. The chances are that you will be moved and I posted a similar post regarding my marriage…you may want to view the men’s section because there is a post that is similar perhaps not as serious as your own. There has been some great comments posted regarding this matter and perhaps a female view might be appreciated. It appears to be a common issue of late on this blog. Best of luck to…
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/21/2009 6:06:52 AM
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Anon101
Posts: 181
Joined: 10/21/2009
Status: offline
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Thank you for the response. I know it is my fault for marrying someone I wasn't really sexually compatible with. I thought it would change once we got married. I really thought he didn't try anything with me when we were living together out of respect for God. I didn't think it was because he wasn't attracted to me.
As for the bed, we will have to work something out. He has made the bed his own. He has to have a fan blowing while he sleeps or he can't sleep. I hate the fan and I get cold. He said he can't sleep w/o it. So it's my problem. He's o.k. with me sleeping on the couch. Drives me nuts.
I've brought up the counseling thing. He doesn't want to talk to me about it and the thought of talking to someone he doesn't know about it makes him uncomfortable. When he does try to touch my (on rare occasions) I am not receptive because I really, really do not like the dirty talk or the opposite - baby talk. I just say "please do say that" or "that doesn't turn me on" because it is to me kind of ikky. The porno talk doesn't work and the little boy stuff is nasty to me. I just want to be looked at or touched by my husband w/o the goofy stuff. Maybe I have to find a way to find that stuff attractive.
I guess I just have to accept it. I pray really hard about this because I'd love to get back into the workforce, but I don't want to be tempted if some man finds me attractive. It is so nice to feel wanted. Gosh, I just want to cry talking about it. I haven't talked about this to anyone but God. Now I'm opening up and sharing my feelings and I can feel all this pain and hurt. This is horrible.
< Message edited by Lorilynn777 -- 10/21/2009 6:47:10 AM >
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/21/2009 6:21:28 AM
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Anon101
Posts: 181
Joined: 10/21/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
We all have free will and you married this man even though you seemed to have doubts and sadly we do have to live with wrong decisions.
I was hoping not hear that, but sadly it is the truth. I made my bed (so to speak) and now I have to live with it. I really thought I was doing the right thing by marrying the man I was living wtih. I really did.
I never thought I'd never be touch, held, caressed again. I'm crying so hard right now, because I know I messed up. Looking at my beautiful son, I feel guilty regretting the marriage. Is it better than being by myself? I guess not, but it is close. He helps me around the house and is good to our son, so I should just look at that. I wish I didn't have sexual or "needs". It would make this easier. I wouldn't care that he acts like he has been neutered.
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/21/2009 7:11:25 AM
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jk99
Posts: 36
Joined: 5/24/2005
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Lorilynn777
Gosh my heart really breaks for you right now. First things first I think you are absorbing a lot of the blame on your self. Yes maybe you did some dumb moves (we all do) but that doest mean you should be beating your self up. You have commented on your past as being a punishment…this is simply not true…you talk about how you should life with your husbands fascination with dirty talk. Honey no man should talk to his wife like that…that’s not your problem it is his. That doesn’t mean you ignore it but honestly that is an indication to me there are much bigger issues at hand.
First things first his unwillingness to talk about or not even get counseling with you both is a HUGE problem… if he can’t not see that it suggests to me he doesn’t want to fix the problem… he’s happy with the way it stands… and for you that isn’t working.
I am sorry because I have soooo much to say and can relate with you right now. I have to go to work now but will give your post some though and reply as soon as I can….hang in there.
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/21/2009 7:54:22 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 8020
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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You say he's diagnosed with bipolar? Is is being treated for it? Taking meds and in therapy? Do YOU know what you're facing being married to someone ill with that mental disease?
I ask you that because my wife has bipolar. It is not easy living with or loving someone who suffers it.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/21/2009 8:06:34 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 3587
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Please take my post as suggestions and thoughts, not as condemnations. 
quote:
When he does try to touch my (on rare occasions) I am not receptive because I really, really do not like the dirty talk or the opposite - baby talk. I just say "please do say that" or "that doesn't turn me on" because it is to me kind of ikky.
Instead of rejecting him outright, what if you coached him on what he could say? He may simply not know any other way of relating sexually. I don't believe that dirty/porno talk is OK at all, *but* unfortunately some men have been raised since childhood that that is the 'normal' way a man relates to a woman. That he has a mental illness complicates all of that even more.  What would happen if you said "Hon, you don't need to say that stuff. All you need to do is tell me you love me and hold me close.", and then took his arms and physically put them around you, and then give him a nice kiss?
Even if you can't sleep in the same room, can you start the night there? It looks to me like the separation has become a habit, and since he lacks desire or initiative, he's happy to let that be the status quo.
I would suggest you start looking for support from people who have lived with family members who are bipolar. I am *sure* there are support groups out there, either in your area, or online. A lot of this may go back to his disorder, and it can be so frustrating to live with someone who has bipolar. They have a marked tendency to either not want help at all, or to ditch the medications that do help them. Another excellent place to go for help is New Life Ministries.
_____________________________
 Moo
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/21/2009 8:22:21 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1465
Joined: 3/13/2009
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Lorilynn
We all make mistakes, believe me I have made many in my life, so dont keep blaming yourself. Look ahead. I really think as I said before that he needs to see his doctor to get tested for low testerone and other things.
Do you have any idea if hs is,or has been, addicted to porn or had any other past sexual issues? Its just that sometimes men who are addicted to porn are unable to be turned on by their wives as they have been damaged by the porn use and their view of a normal godly sexual relationship are distorted.
Do you have a good church to go to and female friends who you can talk to and pray with?This will definately help you.
Another thing is to write him a letter saying what you have said here. Tell him of how this all makes you feel and of your fears and worries.Maybe even get him to do the same and exchange your letters and after wards talk about them.This really helps.
God is very good at restoring all the messes that we have got oursleves into. Thank God for all the good things about your husband and pray abgout those things that make you sad.
Is your husband affectionate in other ways ie a kiss, or holding hands?
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/21/2009 8:54:26 AM
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ta_mosquito
Posts: 10994
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: from MN, now in Ontario :D
Status: offline
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MODERATOR'S NOTE :: ATTENTION PLEASE
Moving from Marriage to Women Only. We do not allow topics about sex in mixed company.
Posts by men up to this point are OK, but from now on, men are not allowed to post.
Thank you!
Tricia
Forums Moderator
Please do not reply to this message within the forums or chat.
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments, or concerns.
Please do not send me PMs regarding this message.
< Message edited by ta_mosquito -- 10/21/2009 1:38:54 PM >
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/21/2009 9:33:20 PM
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a_sparrow
Posts: 569
Joined: 6/20/2006
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline
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Lorilynn,
I know from experience that a husband's untreated or minimally treated mental illness can have a devastating impact on marital intimacy. You say below that you feel ugly. Please, tell yourself when you feel this way that the level of marital intimacy you think would be "usual" isn't possible because your husband is sick, and that it has nothing to do with how you look. Every time your thoughts drift to criticism of your appearance in connection with this problem, repeat this to yourself. It's laborious to do this over and over again, but it really does help after a while.
quote:
I'm in such a funk now. I have never felt so ugly or unloved.
Also, know that your husband's inability to be intimate almost certainly has nothing to do with any lack of love for you.
quote:
My husband's care, since he is bi-polar, trumps my mental health/emotional needs right now.
Life with a seriously mentally ill spouse is a hard road. In a sense, you are/will be a caregiver to him. In addition, you are responsible for your baby. You need to take care of yourself, including your mental and emotional health, or your ability to tend to your family obligations will be compromised. Besides, you have value, too. If there is any way you can go to a counselor, especially someone who has worked with spouses of the mentally ill, you really might benefit. I'm glad that you will be checking out the ministry 3cappucinosmom mentioned.
_____________________________
Elizabeth
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/22/2009 11:53:42 AM
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laura...
Posts: 3280
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.
I would recommend marriage counseling but I doubt that marriage counseling would be adequate to deal with your husband's problem. I suspect that he has some very serious sexual dysfunctions. I also doubt that any of it is related to his bp disorder. I would lay odds that he was sexually abused as a child. His "little boy" talk as a sexual come on would indicate that possibility. I would also lay odds that he, at the very least, has a same sex attraction. The fact is he is most likely just not sexually interested in women. There is nothing you can do to fix it and it has nothing to do with how attractive you are.
I do recommend that you get some good counseling either by a professional counselor or a trustworthy pastoral counselor. You need to get help on just how to confront this situation in a productive manner so that you can make wise, informed decisions regarding your marriage.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/22/2009 1:09:39 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1465
Joined: 3/13/2009
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Lorilynn
The reason that I asked if he was into porn is that I think that may well be the reason why he isnt interested in you. You have said that he used to be heavily into porn. How do you know that he still isnt? A man who has been, or is, heavily into porn stops being able to be turned on by their wife or a normal sexual relationship. In fact many of them need worse and worse porn to excite them and get them aroused.
I am sure that God can heal this abberation in him, but he will need to stop (if he still into it) and repent and probably have some deep prayer and ministry to get sorted out.
Men who are into porn often cant be bothered to have normal sexual relationships with their wife as looking at porn and masturbating are so much easier for them. mY guess is that this is the explanation. It does mean that he has got sexual desires but that they have got distorted totally by what he has seen and done.He may well be satisfying himself while watching porn and therefore has no sexual needs left.Also he may have got to the stage of being unable to be turned on by a normal women anymore. Porn is SO awful and so destructive.
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/22/2009 2:28:22 PM
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churchsinger
Posts: 31
Joined: 7/23/2009
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Your husband sounds like my exhusband. I was married to him for 13 years and he didn't want to sleep with me either. I don't have any children though. He is bipolar and diabetic. He refused to go to counseling year after year, telling me everything is fine. Well, everything wasn't fine! I think my ex is gay, but he would never admit it. My point is, you need to draw the line in the sand with your husband. Tell him you love him and the relationship needs help. No ifs and or butts. Not going to counseling with you is not an option if he wants to stayed married to you and be a father to your child. I assume he is a good father. My ex would not go to counseling until I filed for divorce and moved out. Then it was too late. Make it clear that you do not want to lose him and that he needs to get some medical attention for his bipolar today! I'm not saying make threats. Some men need a wakeup call in order to get his attention. Some don't get the subtle hints. Mayday! Ship going down! Get the life reserver! LEt us know how it turns out.
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/22/2009 9:54:22 PM
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a_sparrow
Posts: 569
Joined: 6/20/2006
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline
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quote:
I would recommend marriage counseling but I doubt that marriage counseling would be adequate to deal with your husband's problem. I suspect that he has some very serious sexual dysfunctions. I also doubt that any of it is related to his bp disorder. I would lay odds that he was sexually abused as a child. His "little boy" talk as a sexual come on would indicate that possibility. I would also lay odds that he, at the very least, has a same sex attraction. The fact is he is most likely just not sexually interested in women. There is nothing you can do to fix it and it has nothing to do with how attractive you are.
I agree that a history of sexual abuse may well be contributing to this (and may be contributing to his mental health problems as well). It is possible that SSA is involved, but by no means certain. There are men who prefer to be stimulated visually by women they aren't involved with and don't really know because they are attracted to women but, because of past trauma, aren't able emotionally to handle intimacy with real women. The source of this visual stimulation could be anything from porn to women walking along the street. I'm sure that when there's a history of heavy porn use there will be extra problems, but that's an area I don't know much about.
I also agree that marriage counseling is probably not the first thing you two need.
_____________________________
Elizabeth
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/24/2009 12:57:37 PM
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a_sparrow
Posts: 569
Joined: 6/20/2006
From: Los Angeles
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I saw your thread in Marriage this morning. It is now clear that your first priority needs to be your safety and the safety of your child. This issue, unfortunately, is secondary, in light of the facts you posted in the other thread.
((Lorilynn))
_____________________________
Elizabeth
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RE: Totally sexless marriage - 10/24/2009 4:32:42 PM
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a_sparrow
Posts: 569
Joined: 6/20/2006
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline
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Things that have been on shelves or mounted on walls undisturbed for some time do fall down occasionally when a door slams or something heavy is dropped on a nearby floor. Scripture tells us what God thinks of violence, verbal abuse, blasphemy, and taking God's name in vain, so I don't really see why there would be any need for this additional "sign" to enable you to know what to think of your husband's behavior. Anyway, the work done on the cross isn't reversed or affected in any way by your husband's swearing or door-slamming.
I am sorry that you aren't seeing signs of hunger for God in your husband right now.
_____________________________
Elizabeth
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