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Long distance marriage? - 10/21/2009 4:14:31 PM
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Scottinla57
Posts: 64
Joined: 12/27/2008
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Anyone get married while still living is different cities?
We are engaged but her teenage daughter will not move (4.0 GPA, popular at school. involved in sports)
The plan is for my fiancé to move here (she rents an apartment, been at her job for less than a year... I own a house and have been at my job for +10 years).
However now she and my parents are pushing for us to get married next year. I am 52 and she is 45 so even though I originally wanted to wait… well… I’m not getting any younger! 
I have talked with clergy, councilors, elders… but it is such a tough decision! 
Any ideas, advice, opinions would be appreciated.
_____________________________
Keep deception and lies far from me, Give me neither poverty nor riches; Feed me with the food that is my portion, That I not be full and deny You and say, "Who is the LORD?" Or that I not be in want and steal, And profane the name of my God.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/21/2009 4:53:54 PM
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ctpruitt
Posts: 400
Joined: 4/25/2009
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Do you mean that you are getting married, but your wife will live in a different city? If so, that's silly. Also, she should not move until you are married. Your post gives me the impression that you are wanting her to move in with you before marriage...always a big no-no.
If your fiancee is wanting you to wait a year... you need to know why. I have never understood why two people who want to get married continue to put it off. I know a girl was engaged for five years! Everytime I would see her she would say "when I/he get this (something in the future" done, then we will get married". Guess what, they never did.
As far as her daughter goes, well if you decided to get married sooner, she will either go or move in with someone else. You may just have to throw her in the car kicking and screaming. At my church we had a man ordained one Sunday who wanted to pastor a church in another state. His mother was 86 and his family had been staying with her. Well, now he is about to move and she won't go. They literally put her in the car with her screaming and yelling! He did not debate the issue. She even tried calling the police and telling them she had been kidnapped!
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/21/2009 6:08:02 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
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Firstly you say that she and your parents are pushing you to get married.Why is that? You are 52 years old, I think you are quite big enough to decide for yourself if/when you will marry.Pray about it and make the decision yourself.
Otherwise why cant you sell your house and buy a house there with her and her daughter when you get married?I am sure that you could find another job.
If it were my daughter, I would not move her at her age and stage at school. I also wouldnt want her having to live with anyone else as she is still young.I CERTAINLY wouldnt put her in the car kicking and screaming, what a horrible thing to do to a young teenager.
If I were her I would ask you to move there or wait till the girl is older.
I do wonder if you are 100% at peace about all of this, as otherwise why come here and ask us? (Not that we mind of course, but you get my meaning)
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/21/2009 6:20:45 PM
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Scottinla57
Posts: 64
Joined: 12/27/2008
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Ok daugther is not being moved is that clear?
No problem getting a job? Do you read the newspapers?
Plus I have ten years into a retirement plan... she has no retirement plan... at our age retirement is pretty important.
And my fiancé likes where I live and wants to move.
If the daughter were already off to college it would be a no brainer, we would get married and she would move down here.
My parents are in their 80's and I am guessing they want to see me married before they go to see the Lord.
< Message edited by Scottinla57 -- 10/21/2009 6:32:00 PM >
_____________________________
Keep deception and lies far from me, Give me neither poverty nor riches; Feed me with the food that is my portion, That I not be full and deny You and say, "Who is the LORD?" Or that I not be in want and steal, And profane the name of my God.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/21/2009 6:27:57 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 480
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A long distance marriage is certainly possible. There are countless numbers of military members and/or support people who are deployed for years at a time in countries where their families cannot join them.
I personally know four couples who have lived in different cities in the US than their spouses. One was a military chaplain who was deployed due to Hurricane Katrina. What was supposed to be a 6 month deployment turned in to 3 years...in 6 month increments so that he could not move his family (his wife was a school teacher...and for the first couple of years there weren't homes anyway). Another taught at a local university. She and her husband lived apart for years until they were finally both able to get jobs in the same location (not one of the locations where either had jobs while living apart). Another couple got married while both were in college...in different states. Since they were both on scholarship, neither could move until after graduation without losing the support for the education. Another similar couple were two that met and married while in college, then he graduated and got a job in another city and she stayed in school until graduation.
On the other hand, most of these people and the people I know with spouses overseas talk about how difficult it is to be separated for such a long time. It is also difficult to grow a relationship while living apart. However, it can be done. Marriages can survive and even thrive under trying and adverse conditions...consider "got married just before he shipped out to war" couples from WWII.
You both have to really check into your commitment to each other and to the marriage. Its also important to make sure you are marrying a person rather than an idea or ideal (do you want to marry this woman because you love her more than life or do you want to marry her because you are tired of living alone and she seems to fit some criteria in your mind.)
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/21/2009 6:29:20 PM
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ctpruitt
Posts: 400
Joined: 4/25/2009
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Yeah...all those are good points. I have been unemployed for nearly two years myself. Anyone who says "move and look for a job" has obviously not looked for one recently.
If you are unwilling to move the daughter than you have no choice but to wait for her to graduate. Assuming two years from now your fiancee is still your fiancee. Two years is some time...things can change in a hurry. Inlcuding love.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/21/2009 6:34:55 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Scottinla57
Ok daugther is not being moved is that clear?
No problem getting a job? Do you read the newspapers?
Plus I have ten years into a retirement plan... she has no retirement plan... at our age retirement is pretty important.
I am well aware of that. I live in the UK where the job sitation is worse than there so yes I do know, but there ARE jobs around if you look hard enough.My son just got a job after applying for over 40, so it can be done. Also if God is in this, cant you trust Him to provide a job for you?
Also I am in a second marriage (we married in our late 40's and we both have children (I have three and he has two) so I am also aware of other the problems. In our case he moved here into my house when we married.
Well if you arent going to move there and she isnt going to move to you, then you wil either have to wait to marry for 2 1/2 years or marry and live apart for that time.Not ideal but it depends on what YOU want to do.
I do think though that you need to pray and ask God for His guidance on this and after that make your own decision. No one should be pressured into marrying at any particular time. If you feel that you want to wait till you can be together properly then that is the right thing to do,whatever anyone else says.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/21/2009 6:58:11 PM
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Scottinla57
Posts: 64
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Thanks herestoresmysoul,
Yes that is correct, either wait two (plus) years to get married... or get married and live apart for those years.
And if it is Gods will it can work out... but finding Gods will in all the scenarios? Wait to get married? Marry and live apart? Sell the house and move?
Me moving makes the least sense… I have a very secure job I like, a government job working at a museum… and I have a nice house with an ocean view… and it is warm and sunny where I am at so we prefer to live here...
< Message edited by Scottinla57 -- 10/21/2009 7:25:58 PM >
_____________________________
Keep deception and lies far from me, Give me neither poverty nor riches; Feed me with the food that is my portion, That I not be full and deny You and say, "Who is the LORD?" Or that I not be in want and steal, And profane the name of my God.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/21/2009 8:21:30 PM
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kohls356
Posts: 644
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I still don't think it is wise to move the daughter. It would be one thing if this was an established family where both the adults were her parents. But she would be moving away from her friends, and possibly other family, because her mother decided to get married. It would be hard enough with the adjustment of a parent remarrying then add the move and she loses her support system. This is a vulnerable time for a teenager. I have read over and over that the high school years is the worst time to make a move if not necessary.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/22/2009 5:31:50 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ctpruitt
Yeah...all those are good points. I have been unemployed for nearly two years myself. Anyone who says "move and look for a job" has obviously not looked for one recently.
If you are unwilling to move the daughter than you have no choice but to wait for her to graduate. Assuming two years from now your fiancee is still your fiancee. Two years is some time...things can change in a hurry. Inlcuding love.
You are wrong there. I have a son who has just got a job after applying for over 40, I have a step son who is looking for work and a husband who hasnt had much work. However whoever moves will have to look for work whether it be him or her.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/22/2009 5:34:36 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Scottinla57
Thanks herestoresmysoul,
Yes that is correct, either wait two (plus) years to get married... or get married and live apart for those years.
And if it is Gods will it can work out... but finding Gods will in all the scenarios? Wait to get married? Marry and live apart? Sell the house and move?
Me moving makes the least sense… I have a very secure job I like, a government job working at a museum… and I have a nice house with an ocean view… and it is warm and sunny where I am at so we prefer to live here...
What is YOUR gut feeling deep down inside ignoring any pressure that others are putting on you. Dont listen to your parents, or others, just go with what YOU feel is the right thing to do. I think you may already know, but are being pressured.
< Message edited by herestoresmysoul -- 10/22/2009 5:56:17 AM >
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/22/2009 5:45:01 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Harvie
If you marry sooner rather than later, could your fiancee/wife and her daughter spend holidays and school breaks and summers with you, at your house? Would that be a reasonable compromise to ask of your fiancee and her daughter?
Harvie that is a very good idea, but if the lady works she may not get that much holiday each year (maybe 4 weeks or so?), buh they could at least go for that amount of time.
I just wonder about the girls dad. Is he in the picture? Does he see her regularly?
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/22/2009 8:08:00 AM
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browneyes222
Posts: 157
Joined: 10/4/2008
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I don't think you should sell your house and give up your government job. That would not be a wise move considering the markets and the economy. In those areas you appear to be better off, more stable than your fianc'e.
I also, don't think your fianc'e daughter should be uprooted at this time either. She looks to be a good kid with GPA of 4.0, active in sports and who is popular, so pretty much involved in school. From what you describe she appears to be a good balanced teenager who is disciplined. I don't think it would be good to uproot someone who is doing very well in school and move her to live with her mom's new husband if it can be helped at all. Nothing against you, just considering what may be best for the daughter. Last resort maybe, but if it doesn't have to be no.
Could she live with her dad or other relative? How does your fianc'e feel about it?
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/22/2009 8:30:46 AM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 8033
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Harvie
If you and this woman are 100 percent certain that you want to get married and live in your house and in your town, at some point, why can't you just wait until the end of this school year, get married in June and make the high school daughter move, too? She'd still have two whole years at her new high school.
Military families/kids move all the time and switch schools, and so do non-military families, so I'm not sure what the problem is. Or is the girl's father unwilling to let her move with her mom? Are there custody and visitation issues at play? If so, can't she stay there with her dad and just see her mom/you for visits?
I guess I just don't see why you and your fiancee are willing to put your life together on hold for 2.5 years just so a popular teenager doesn't have to change schools. Is there more to this story?
I agree with this.
Children do not make the decisions of the family and as long as someone lives in my house, then they will just have to suck it up and go with it.
And yes...I moved as a child, and my brother moved as a teenager and neither of us were scarred for life.
My best friend's daughter was captain of the cheerleading squad, popular, homecoming attendant, and the summer before her senior year moved from Florida to Idaho due to her stepdad being in the military. She adjusted and so will your fiance's daughter.
Life happens and I don't think I would be willing to put it on hold.
_____________________________
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/22/2009 9:02:42 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2220
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Scottinla57
My parents are in their 80's and I am guessing they want to see me married before they go to see the Lord.
Scott, bless you for not making that girl move. I'm so delighted to hear that! Whatever sacrifices are to be made, it should never be on the backs of the kids; that's the parents' job. Your parents need to put that girl before themselves, too; you're setting the example and I hope they follow it.
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
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MARRIED TO A MILITARY PILOT ~ PLEASE PRAY FOR OUR TROOPS! 
I think your fiance's first priority is her daughter. Having a broken family is enough chaos for her childhood. Let her finish it out among the people who are known to her. It's not about popularity or caving to a bratty teen. To me it's about stability for a child.
