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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/22/2009 9:05:09 AM
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kohls356
Posts: 644
Joined: 8/22/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
I agree with this.
Children do not make the decisions of the family and as long as someone lives in my house, then they will just have to suck it up and go with it.
And yes...I moved as a child, and my brother moved as a teenager and neither of us were scarred for life.
I agree that children do not make the decisions of the family, however, this isn't even a family yet, and it isn't her family. She is not small child where she will grow with this family. She will be out of school in a few years so this is basically her mothers new life. There are times where the adults need to step back and make the best decisions for the kids. It is just 2 years and if it is right for them to marry now then it will be right for them to marry in a few years.
I and my siblings too have moved. I would not do that to my children unless it was absolutely necessary, and this is not absolutely necessary because there are other alternatives.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/22/2009 9:41:21 AM
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jhuperetes
Posts: 473
Status: offline
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I really like order. I like it so much I chose my church after making a matrix, sorted, weighted, categorized.
Why not make at least a list of pros & cons?
Obviously this is very dry and impersonal, but if you and your future wife can agree on what is more and less important, then this maybe a good starting tool to find a solution,
This what I came up with from what you have said - yes, I am sure there are plenty more to add, but it gives you the general idea:
Move together Live apart
@Husband @Wife
1. Relationship 1 1 -1
2. Daughter -1 1 1
3. Jobs 0.5 -1 0
4. House 1 0 0
---- ---- ----
1.5 1 0
Just a thought... 
//edit tried to upload image, reference image, neither works... Hope this makes sense.
< Message edited by jhuperetes -- 10/22/2009 9:50:34 AM >
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/22/2009 10:24:32 AM
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ctpruitt
Posts: 400
Joined: 4/25/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
quote:
ORIGINAL: Harvie
If you and this woman are 100 percent certain that you want to get married and live in your house and in your town, at some point, why can't you just wait until the end of this school year, get married in June and make the high school daughter move, too? She'd still have two whole years at her new high school.
Military families/kids move all the time and switch schools, and so do non-military families, so I'm not sure what the problem is. Or is the girl's father unwilling to let her move with her mom? Are there custody and visitation issues at play? If so, can't she stay there with her dad and just see her mom/you for visits?
I guess I just don't see why you and your fiancee are willing to put your life together on hold for 2.5 years just so a popular teenager doesn't have to change schools. Is there more to this story?
I agree with this.
Children do not make the decisions of the family and as long as someone lives in my house, then they will just have to suck it up and go with it.
And yes...I moved as a child, and my brother moved as a teenager and neither of us were scarred for life.
My best friend's daughter was captain of the cheerleading squad, popular, homecoming attendant, and the summer before her senior year moved from Florida to Idaho due to her stepdad being in the military. She adjusted and so will your fiance's daughter.
Life happens and I don't think I would be willing to put it on hold.
Yeah...I agree. If you are going to decide your marriage based on some teenager's respose, you will never get married. I have a friend who moved 14 times in 20 years. His girls got over it. Don't let some teenager determine what you will and won't do.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/22/2009 10:57:08 AM
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laura...
Posts: 3284
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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The daughter is what? 14? She is barely into whatever senior high school she attends. There should be no problem moving her now. Check out the schools in your area and plan to place her in the best one possible. One that will best meet her needs and aspirations.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/22/2009 12:14:14 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ctpruitt
quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
quote:
ORIGINAL: Harvie
If you and this woman are 100 percent certain that you want to get married and live in your house and in your town, at some point, why can't you just wait until the end of this school year, get married in June and make the high school daughter move, too? She'd still have two whole years at her new high school.
Military families/kids move all the time and switch schools, and so do non-military families, so I'm not sure what the problem is. Or is the girl's father unwilling to let her move with her mom? Are there custody and visitation issues at play? If so, can't she stay there with her dad and just see her mom/you for visits?
I guess I just don't see why you and your fiancee are willing to put your life together on hold for 2.5 years just so a popular teenager doesn't have to change schools. Is there more to this story?
I agree with this.
Children do not make the decisions of the family and as long as someone lives in my house, then they will just have to suck it up and go with it.
And yes...I moved as a child, and my brother moved as a teenager and neither of us were scarred for life.
My best friend's daughter was captain of the cheerleading squad, popular, homecoming attendant, and the summer before her senior year moved from Florida to Idaho due to her stepdad being in the military. She adjusted and so will your fiance's daughter.
Life happens and I don't think I would be willing to put it on hold.
Yeah...I agree. If you are going to decide your marriage based on some teenager's respose, you will never get married. I have a friend who moved 14 times in 20 years. His girls got over it. Don't let some teenager determine what you will and won't do.
she is NOT 'some teenager' she is the daugher of the women who will be his wife. She is to be his step daughter.Goodness you talk about her as if she is a peice of meat who doesnt matter.
Yes people do 'get over' moving a lot,(although we have no idea what affect it actually has on them) but thank goodness this man and his fiance actualy CARE about this girl and what is best for her.There is absolutely no need for her to be taken away from her home, her school, her friends or her life at this time.
Scott
Having just re-read your first post you said that you originally wanted to wait till they could both come in 2 years time till you married. So what changed? Has the pressure being put on you changed the way you feel? I would go with your original thoughts and feelings and stick with them.No one should put pressure on you to change your mind..You are talking about not getting married till next year anyway so what will another year matter?Your future.step daughter will thank you for it I am sure.
< Message edited by herestoresmysoul -- 10/22/2009 12:54:40 PM >
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/28/2009 3:23:05 PM
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Scottinla57
Posts: 64
Joined: 12/27/2008
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I was away for five days and just got back to this thread, thanks for your posts.
I (we) don’t care so much what other people “think”,
However there is much Godly advice about seeking wise counsel (read proverbs)
As far as what my parents think… they are in their 80’s… married 60 years… dad had been a deacon in the church… been on a few church building comities… been teaching adult Sunday school for decades… started his own business from scratch and worked it up to very successful enterprise putting his three children and grand children through school.
So I feel he is pretty qualified to give advice on marriage.
As is my pastor and my friend who is a Navy Chaplin… and other Godly single mothers with teenage daughters that go to my church who have BTDT.
Did I mention the daughter has a GPA of 4.0, a large group of friends, and is very involved in sports and church? This is a formative time in her life and she is getting set up for college, if we move her now that could upset her scholastic momentum.
However the point is mute, the daughter is NOT MOVING!
Why?
Her dad won’t allow it.
He is in his mid 40’s, living with his parents (they have no room for her), and only spends two weekends a month with her (and complains about driving her to church and sporting events the short time he is with her) but he has legal rights to keep her there.
Yes I have spent some time with the daughter and she is warming up to me but she is not very chatty in the first place so we are just going to have to spend more time together and build that relationship.
Gotta go get lunch, thanks again everyone.
_____________________________
Keep deception and lies far from me, Give me neither poverty nor riches; Feed me with the food that is my portion, That I not be full and deny You and say, "Who is the LORD?" Or that I not be in want and steal, And profane the name of my God.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/28/2009 8:43:25 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
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yes of course your father is allowed to give advise (if asked) but you did say in an earlier post that you were pressured by your parents which is different from asking them for their opinion. I am a parent of three adult children (in their 20's )and would never put any pressure to them to marry or whatever it is.That is for them to decide.if they asked me for advise, I would say what I think, but I would expect them to make their own decision and not do what I said.
Its good that at least the daughter can stay settled and still continue to see her dad. I am sure that is important for her. That still leaves your initial quandry as to whether to marry and see each other some weekends or wait till the mum and daughter can come to live with you later on. As I said before, you need to make your own decision regardles of what your parents or anyone else thinks.You need to pray and ask God yourself and go with whatever you feel He is saying. He always knows best .
Its not going to make that much difference as to whether you marry in one year (as you said you may) or two years when the daughter finishes highschool. However only God knows the future so ask Him and expect Him to make it clear to you. I really think that God does want you to make that important decision and not allow any others to have their 'say' (except for your fiance, but even then what she wants may not be what you finanlly decide is right).
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/29/2009 1:52:45 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
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What is it that you are nervous about? Is it marrying in general, or is it WHEN you should get married?.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/29/2009 4:23:49 PM
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catlady11
Posts: 109
Joined: 4/18/2005
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quote:
I'm 52 and never been married... she is my best friend and soul mate... we know we are doing the right thing... I never feel better than when we are together.
But it is a big decision… kinda like when I bought my house… I knew it was the right thing to do… but a whole lot a responsibility!
And wanting to do it right… that is where the when to get married part comes.
So, yes to both!
Do some people just breeze through getting married with no worries at all?
I think what you are feeling is very normal. My dh and I got married for the first time at 47- and boy, was I scared. For some reason (at least for me) I think it is harder the older you get because you get so set in your ways and you wonder how will I ever live with another person. I also think when you get older you naturally "worry" more about the future.
Take a deep breath and you'll be fine.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/29/2009 5:12:03 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
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Maybe it is becuase you have never been married that you have these worries.I guess you have only had yourself to please for a very long time and that is making you feel concerned as to what it will be like to have another person around all of the time.Thats understandable. However remember,it would be much harder if she had more than one younger children who would be living with you both. That is a whole new ball game.
When my husband and I got married at 47 and 48, I never had a moments doubt, but we had both been married before (23 and 25 years)and both had young adult children, so maybe that made a difference. We married 9 months after meeting and I would have married much sooner if we could have done.
Maybe becuase of that I have never experienced this 'cold feet' thing. I love being married to him and being a single mum of three for 6 years was VERY hard.
I think that you and your fiance need to decide yourself what to do and when to marry. There really isnt a 'right' or 'wrong' in when you marry. It will either be that you wait till you can actually live together, or you marry sooner and live apart except for most weekends. Its what you want to do and what you feel is right.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/29/2009 5:13:13 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
Maybe it is becuase you have never been married that you have these worries.I guess you have only had yourself to please for a very long time and that is making you feel concerned as to what it will be like to have another person around all of the time.Thats understandable. However remember,it would be much harder if she had more than one younger children who would be living with you both. That is a whole new ball game.
When my husband and I got married at 47 and 48, I never had a moments doubt, but we had both been married before (23 and 25 years)and both had young adult children, so maybe that made a difference. We married 9 months after meeting and I would have married much sooner if we could have done.
Maybe becuase of that I have never experienced this 'cold feet' thing. I love being married to him and being a single mum of three for 6 years was VERY hard.
I think that you and your fiance need to decide yourself what to do and when to marry. There really isnt a 'right' or 'wrong' in when you marry. It will either be that you wait till you can actually live together, or you marry sooner and live apart except for most weekends. Its what you want to do and what you feel is right.
If you are sure she is the one, and that God has bought you together, then trust Him that it will all work out.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/31/2009 9:20:02 AM
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tkc300
Posts: 28
Joined: 5/28/2006
Status: offline
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I am also in the same situation. My fiance live in Kansas and I live in OK. I have three children who have lived here all their life, yet a father who is in a gang who refuses to let them go. MY fiance has a wonderful job at the university and could easily provide for us all, yet my children also are at a young age 11, 9, 5. They are very close to him as well and we get to see him maybe twice a month if we are lucky. The teen years are so critical and I am glad you are thinking of her first, that shows character, yet you know the situation ( about not being able to move them) yet seems you are battling with it instead of excepting it. WHen it comes to the woman you want to marry if you have a solid foundation nothing will stop you!!!!!. We (me and my fiance) trust that God will find a way for us to be together, regaurdless of the court systems, distance, whatever. I feel there is more than distance for some reason and I understand you want to do things right. You stated it was clear they ARENT moving so.... you knew that was prob a possibility, and if you love her in the end it wont matter. Trust God knows how to direct your path towards her and in the end you will come together if that is really what you want, but by doubting your marriage to me it seems as if you were uncertan about other things. ( not sure about that just a assesment).
So yes I believe GOD willing if you love someone there is no distance or time that can come in the way of your love for this woman unless... you let it!
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/31/2009 9:26:49 AM
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tkc300
Posts: 28
Joined: 5/28/2006
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also, I understand your job situation. I do! I have owned my own gym for 13 yrs and love the kids in the gym like family. Have you thought about tranfering since you have a gov job? I know it would be a sacrifice, yet sometimes we have to look at what is really important and make hard decisions. Again my fiance has a job at KU and has wonderful benifits as I do not, and at the moment am not able to move. Yet he is willing if need be to move no matter what we have to do. We are getting married in March and cant wait no matter what the living arrangments are We will make sure everything works out. I know its hard but again i believe God can provide a path that will lead you to her if that is truly what you want
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/31/2009 11:07:45 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tkc300
I am also in the same situation. My fiance live in Kansas and I live in OK. I have three children who have lived here all their life, yet a father who is in a gang who refuses to let them go. MY fiance has a wonderful job at the university and could easily provide for us all, yet my children also are at a young age 11, 9, 5. They are very close to him as well and we get to see him maybe twice a month if we are lucky. The teen years are so critical and I am glad you are thinking of her first, that shows character, yet you know the situation ( about not being able to move them) yet seems you are battling with it instead of excepting it. WHen it comes to the woman you want to marry if you have a solid foundation nothing will stop you!!!!!. We (me and my fiance) trust that God will find a way for us to be together, regaurdless of the court systems, distance, whatever. I feel there is more than distance for some reason and I understand you want to do things right. You stated it was clear they ARENT moving so.... you knew that was prob a possibility, and if you love her in the end it wont matter. Trust God knows how to direct your path towards her and in the end you will come together if that is really what you want, but by doubting your marriage to me it seems as if you were uncertan about other things. ( not sure about that just a assesment).
So yes I believe GOD willing if you love someone there is no distance or time that can come in the way of your love for this woman unless... you let it!
tkc300 I am glad you said that, as I too picked up on that possible general uncertainty about the marriage and that is why I questioned the OP.
I may also be wrong, but if one person has ANY doubts that they are doing the right thing (even if they are only slight doubts)or doesnt have inner peace, then there may be cause to wait and pray about it before arranging any dates or whatever for marriage.It may be The Holy Spirit making those doubts come or it may not, but it is enough reason to wait on God for 100% reassurance that is it definatetly right.
We are told to let peace be our guide, and if we havent got total peace then we need to heed that and not ignore it.
Scott.are you totally at peace about this marriage? Have you actually been seeing this lady for long?Could you benefit by giving it a bit more time before you marry?
< Message edited by herestoresmysoul -- 10/31/2009 11:15:48 AM >
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/31/2009 1:43:20 PM
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Scottinla57
Posts: 64
Joined: 12/27/2008
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I would consider transferring my job and moving to her… But she lives in Oregon and I’m in California so my state job is not transferable.
Plus she is not very attached to the city she is living in, been there a few years, no family near (except for daughter and the EX) and just a few friends she has made in the short time she has been there (don’t get me wrong, it is a beautiful city). I on the other hand have lived in my city all my life, my parents live a few minutes away as does my brother and his family, I have a small group of friends some I have known for decades, been playing in the church praise band for eight or ten years, been at the same job for over ten years.
A mutual friend introduced us in February via the internet, we exchanged a few emails… then weekly emails… then daily emails… then phone calls… then I flew up and we had our first date in April… we have been seeing each other every other weekend since then.
Every morning before 6AM (free minutes) we talk on the phone for about five minutes and we start the day with a short prayer… every night after 9PM (free minutes) we talk and end our day with a prayer… and we still do daily emails… and we go to church when we are together
We are soul mates, we finish each others sentences, when we hug we even sigh in unison. I have dated a lot and never felt this way about anyone. I am glad that we met this way because of all the emails we got to know a lot about each other before we did the face to face (when I start dating a lady I tend to get infatuated and ignore the red flags)
There is no question if we should get married.
The question is getting married and living apart, if we lived in the same city it would be a done deal.
Maybe I am a worry wart… or maybe it is a guy thing… getting married just seems like giant step…
Kind of like becoming a Christian, my parents had me in church since I was a baby… but I didn’t go forward and give my heart to Jesus until I was in my late teens… even after that I didn’t live much like a Christian… sad to say I didn’t take my Christian walk very seriously until I was into my 40’s.
< Message edited by Scottinla57 -- 10/31/2009 1:49:41 PM >
_____________________________
Keep deception and lies far from me, Give me neither poverty nor riches; Feed me with the food that is my portion, That I not be full and deny You and say, "Who is the LORD?" Or that I not be in want and steal, And profane the name of my God.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/31/2009 2:42:02 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline
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yes getting married is a giant step, especially for you having never been married before. I guess for me I got married at 19 the first time, was married for 25 years and have now been married for 4 years second time, so for me it is normal to be married even though I was a single parent for 6 years.
I have never wanted to be single anyway, so my situation is very different.
if you are 100% at peace then why wait to marry if that is what you want? Seeing each other at weekends and maybe some holidays is better than nothing, but it has to be what YOU want,and not what others are wanting you to do.
We also met via the internet although we did meet only 4 days after first e-mail, as we only lived about 30 miles away from each other.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/31/2009 3:00:17 PM
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ThursdaysChild
Posts: 331
Joined: 1/18/2006
From: Up the mountain from the Mediterranean
Status: offline
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DH and I are living apart again. We lived apart for about 2 years when he took a job in Q8 when I was pregnant with the Peanuts. Then after moving here to be closer (and near his family) we joined him for 3 years. We've decided, for the benefit of the kids (school-wise anyway) to move the kids and myself back here. They're with family, in a school that E absolutely LOVED the year we lived here, and it's just a much better place to live, period.
But only 2 of my kids are happy to be here. M wants to go back to Q8. He doesn't realize his beloved teacher AND his best little buddy were both switching schools this year and so he'd still be going through a change. He's the one I call the most Lebanese of my 3...compromise and adapt do NOT come naturally to him.
But sometimes you have to do what you have to do. At least you and your fiancee are in the same country. DH and I see each other much less frequently. But thank God for the Magic Jack. We can talk every night. I highly recommend it, btw.
_____________________________
If it's about you, it's not about Christ. If it's not about Christ, it's not Christian.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 10/31/2009 4:44:55 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1479
Joined: 3/13/2009
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Scott thats so exciting. I am sure you will be so happy.
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RE: Long distance marriage? - 11/4/2009 2:27:03 AM
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michele_erin
Posts: 105
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
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My own personal opinion, prior to marrying my current husband, I put my daughter first. I absolutely wanted her to be happy too. If it would have meant waiting so that she could finish her high school, because starting a new school is hard enough, now add in the scenario of a new family, new location, making new friends. I just wouldn't do it to my daughter.
when I met my current husband, I didn't even introduce her to him for almost a year. She would see him at church -- we were friends only at that point -- because I didn't want to cause her any more upheaval than absolutely necessary. When I really realized that this was the one the Lord wanted me with, then we both introduced our children to each other and to us. We then took another year of courtship, counseling, and continued dating as we allowed them to adjust.
And especially if the daughter is getting a 4.0 -- even if she had to live apart from her parent -- that would be traumatic, and could definitely affect her emotionally. She probably has goals to get some scholarships, get into a good college, so that she can be successful. Definitely waiting -- what's the rush, really? Just my two cents.
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