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What do I do? - 10/21/2009 7:22:02 PM
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stillovinhim
Posts: 64
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Sorry this may be long, but I was wondering if anyone can give me some advise. About 4 1/2 years ago our daughter who then was in 8th grade met a kid at school who we ended up finding out that my husband went to school with his dad, they didn't really know each other but our family is into a hobby that they share as well. He was married we met his family on several occassions but usually when we did our hobby it was just him and his son that went. About 2 years ago through our daughter who was told from his son his dad cheated on his wife, they were seperated. He never at least to my knowledge has said anything about it to my husband other than he told him he was living at his sisters for a little while. Well since then he has referred to his wife not by saying my wife but by her name, he has said my husband could stop by the house which we know of no other house than the one he shared with his wife so it seemed as though they were back together but again nothing was ever said at least that's what my husband says. So a few months ago he referred a client which was a female to my husband, he is always with her, he gives her a ride home, she will call him if she needs something ect, so I don't know if he's "cheating" on his wife or if they are seperated or what but obviously that's not appropriate for a "married" person to do. So today this lady called and needed my husband to work on her car(that's what he does) well this guy is with her again. It bothers me because we are in recovery of me finding out my husband cheated on me 17 years ago, I found out 3 years ago. My husband talks with this guy alot and I don't know what they talk about, I don't know if he talks about his relationships or what but I don't think it's healthy that my husband communicates with someone who is cheating, again I don't know what is going on now, I dont' know that this guy has ever said anything to my husband, but it seems to me that if we knew he was married and now he keeps appearing with some female that he would say something but my husband insists he hasn't, I have "trust" issues what I mean is I'm still rebuilding trust and I haven't gained all of it back. Today he mentioned something that she was a co worker of his well he never told me that before and I've asked him why he's with her he said he didn't know and didn't know how he knew her, well today he claims he told me well he didn't trust me i'd remember because it's something that bothers me all the time. My husband doesn't "hang out" witht his guy and usually when he goes riding it's when I'm there other than I dont' go on all the rides I stay back at camp but there have been times the few times that I haven't gone and he meets my husband and daughter out there, but I think if he says anything it would be on the phone because our kids are always with them. I just don't know what to do or how to feel about it. It makes me uncomfortable, plus I think if this guy was talking about other "relationships" of his with my husband or his relationship with his wife my husband should tell me, he insists he hasn't said anything. Should my husband even talk with this guy? I don't really think if I had a friend that was with different guys and he knew she was married my husband would be ok with that but he just keeps saying he didn't do anything or forget to tell me anything. We've done fairly well in our recovery but I just feel this as something that makes me uncomfortable. I should say that I've always like this guy but I see him differently since his son told my daughter a couple years ago what happened. Any advise would be appreciated sorry so long. I know I need to put it in God's hands and trust Him with it but it's so hard.
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RE: What do I do? - 10/22/2009 1:20:11 PM
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laura...
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You need to put this in God's hands because this is totally none of your business. Your husband is probably telling you the truth, he probably doesn't discuss their relationship or this man's marriage with him because your husband understands that it is none of his business.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: What do I do? - 10/22/2009 1:34:54 PM
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allisonbrett
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If this guy and your husband are friends and he is cheating then maybe it would open the door to a conversation about how damaging adultery can be. But before anything is said or done your husband needs to pray about what to say or if to say anything. All you can do is pray for them man and his family
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Allison
A work in progress so please be patient, God is still working on me. Ouch, it sure is painful!
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RE: What do I do? - 10/22/2009 1:36:46 PM
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Szaftoo
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From: So. Calif.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
You need to put this in God's hands because this is totally none of your business. Your husband is probably telling you the truth, he probably doesn't discuss their relationship or this man's marriage with him because your husband understands that it is none of his business.
Ditto! This other man and his family are not your problem. You are hearing things from many different sources and making too many assumptions. Put your focus on your own family and not others.
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RE: What do I do? - 10/22/2009 1:46:50 PM
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bolt.
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I understand that you are still rebuilding trust, but adultery is not contagious, and men don't talk much about their relationships to one another anyways.
Personal morality is personal. The decision of what moral character one requires in order to be a friend to someone is an individual decision. It's not something that you have any influence over in your husband's life, and it would be inappropriate for you to try to exert your opinions in this area. If you are uncomfortable with your husband's friend's ambiguous marital status, you are free not to be friendly with him, and you are free to influence or restrain your children from contact with him... you are not free to cross over to your husband's side of this boundary.
You seem to be reacting out of fear, as you gauge all the 'what if's. That is something for you to work through. Living out of fear can make you quite erratic in your behaviour, and it eats up a lot of your time and emotional energy that really has better things to be doing.
You also need to stop the gossip. Gossip is a sin. You are called to a pure life. It is wrong of you to be collecting information and keeping a mental file of all the inappropriate personal information that has found its way to you about the marital problems of these acquaintances of yours. It is an even greater problem if you are seeking out this information. It is important to put a stop to this.
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RE: What do I do? - 10/22/2009 6:37:31 PM
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stillovinhim
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Well let me first say that I am not gossiping, gossiping would be if I were talking about it to other people, other than here I've never repeated what we've heard. You're right it is none of our business what he's doing HOWEVER during our counseling we were told that it is unhealthy for him to be having relationships with other who are involved in infidelity and porn, so that's where I'm coming from.
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RE: What do I do? - 10/22/2009 7:17:00 PM
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bolt.
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Hopefully you will also be able to refrain from being the receiving partner of a gossip event. I do not consider the sin of gossip to be only in the speaking, but also in the listening to it, encouraging disclosure, intentionally bearing it in mind, and basing choices on the inappropriate information.
It's interesting that the counselor would tell you that though... did he/she explain why? Does your husband remember that part of the counseling experience? How long ago were you in counselling? Has he taken most of the counselor's recommendations seriously?
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: What do I do? - 10/22/2009 8:49:16 PM
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jhuperetes
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Is it possible that they are accountability partners? Have you considered discussing it with your husband, and explaining it to him how it seems to you?
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RE: What do I do? - 10/25/2009 5:40:34 PM
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stillovinhim
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Yes my husband has done most everything to rebuild trust. I have had some bumps along the way. He did hear from the counselor that hanging around someone who is involved with infidelity isn't a healthy relationship for him to be in. However my husband says we don't know what's going on in his personal life, he doesn't discuss that with me which is true but somewhat obvious. He also says that he doesn't "hang' out with this guy they don't go out and do things together except dirtbike riding which 99% of the time I am there, however I don't go out on some of their rides I stay back at camp and I'm sure not much personal stuff is discussed out on the trails especially because his son and our daughter are always there. I have read many many books on recovery and I have read in several that any one recovering from adultery, porn shouldn't hang out or talk alone with someone involved in the same thing, to me that makes perfect sense, I never questioned why that wouldn't. I know that no one can make my husband do anything but I still can see why that wouldn't be healthy to do for anyone in my opinion even if I have never cheated (which I haven't) I would never be able to be friends with someone who is commiting adultery
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RE: What do I do? - 10/25/2009 6:06:09 PM
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bolt.
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It seems to me that your husband is hardly ever alone with this man (if you're not there, the kids are), so the recommendation is generally being followed.
Plus they are not particularly interested in one-another's personal life and never discuss the topic. This removes the idea that they might affirm one another in wrongdoing, which is what the recommendation is aimed at avoiding.
There are lots of decisions like this, which are personal -- I would have trouble being friends with a wiccan prostitute, but I'm glad some Christians are able to be in such ministries. On the other hand, I have no problem being a casually friends with Muslim women -- while rightfully their sins are just as black as wiccans, prostitutes, and adulterers.
So I'd say the relationship is healthy enough as it stands, and he has shown you plenty of good faith. Try not to take these sorts of fine-tuning recommendations as hard-and-fast... your husband has earned some capacity to use his own judgement in his friendship choices.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: What do I do? - 11/1/2009 6:28:13 PM
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stillovinhim
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Thanks I have taken what has been said into consideration and have been praying about it, however I do have another quesiton. This guy that referred his female coworker to my husband for a job and it's always this guy who picks her up or takes her here when her car is done again none of our business even if he is still married (which he is) but anyways is it ok that my husband and this guy are "discussing' her vehicle with each other? I mean if my husband can't get a hold of her and he talks to this guy he'll ask him the question, or the other guy will say things to him she has said, shouldn't things like that be left for the "client" and the person hired to talk to about or again am I blowing things out of it's realms here? thanks if someone can again help me see straight
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RE: What do I do? - 11/1/2009 6:54:41 PM
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bolt.
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So, my husband is a computer guy.
If his buddy took up a broken computer from his female friend, tried to fix it himself, found he couldn't, and asked my husband to take a look at it... then that's kind of an arrangement between the two guys, as far as who's already looked at what, and what the owner originally complained of and such. That's a bit like they are being co-workers on the same project, and one or the other of them will get back to the client when the computer is working again.
However, if it's just that my husband's buddy said to his female friend, "I know a guy who can help you." and offered to make the connection, that's a different seeming thing, where I'd expect the buddy to stay out of the loop for the most part. It would be most professional for my husband to speak to his client, and not treat the buddy as if he had close knowledge of the details of the problem, due to a close social relationship.
But that's about business professionalism. It's not about your husband being faithful to his marriage vows. Even if he's not being terribly professional about this odd social dynamic, it's really not an issue to get into with him. Unless your marriage is at risk, I'd suggest you not pay such detailed attention to his personal choices. He needs to be an individual, to make good judgements and poor ones, to to be hapless and helpless at times. He doesn't need you acting as a secondary review board most of the time (unless the behavior is genuinely risky).
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
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RE: What do I do? - 11/2/2009 12:04:48 PM
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stillovinhim
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Thank you bolt. This other guy had nothing to do with fixing her car. However the first couple times he called for her and gave my husband the info about the car, what was needed ect. then my husband communicated with her the prices ect. It just bothers me I guess because I know this man is married and it just seems so wrong for him to be so involved in "her" stuff. But thank you I wont make a big deal about it, it just seems like if my husband can't get a hold of her for a question and he calls him it seems to me like he is condoning what ever is going on, maybe that's not the word but like he's saying its ok. thanks again
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RE: What do I do? - 11/2/2009 5:47:53 PM
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bolt.
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From: Canada
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You are not seeing nothing. It does somewhat-sort-of-imply what you think it does. There's just not much sense agitating your marriage over what his actions somewhat-sort-of-imply in an isolated situation that isn't very significant to him. He's just doing what seems easy and straightforward to him, trying to do a good job of his work.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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