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update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 7:50:33 AM
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keithyhuntington
Posts: 814
Joined: 7/7/2009
From: Tulsa, Okla.
Status: offline
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(this is long, but i love typing long stories. sue me.)
for those of you who read my post a couple months ago about my wife wanting to visit her family to "re-live the good times of high school" or whatever it is, she'll be back home around november 9th. i'm hoping now more than ever before, she will see that her home is with me, and she needs to quit standing on the fence of adulthood and stay on my side.
just a mere update though on the hades that shes been going through. you guys can pray for her to remain strong and steadfast while i save up the money these next two weeks to even make teh trip to begin with. i do love the trip though :) and i'll get to make my yearly stop at white castle in Nashville, which is the peak of my year :) so if anyone is curious of how things have been for her you can read on :P
(just to give an idea of the conditions she's been in the past few months) anyway. so the past few weeks things with her family have (seemed to me anyway) gone from bad to worse, to worst, to worster (my american history professor used to say that about situations in history). anyway, to give just a broad overview, her sister is 21 years old... but is easily mistaken for 13. she dropped out of HS at 15 (but has a GED) she has no license. has never sat in a drivers seat her intire life. has no job, and her longest employment stint in life was 1 month at a pretzel place so she could save up to go to an anime convention. so she wakes up at 2pm, watches cartoon network and plays around on youtube for 12 hrs a day, with absolutely no direction in life other than sleep and tv. and my wife and i are convinced she is very mentally unstable. (bi-polar maybe or something like that.. not saying she has a mental handicap) but anyway, pretty much everything this girl does involves a mental meltdown of somesort. and involves dragging THE WHOLE FAMILY into the middle of said meltdown as well. she moved out for like a month, to live with her friend (who lives at home as well) but her friends mom got fed up with her lack of will to, more or less, live. (i dont call watching tv and youtube really 'living') so she kicked her out. then sis moves back home. and every day is a new drama of some sort which usually ends with a cussing much with her and 'dad' and hes just at the end of his rope on her.
and the house is in need of some repair, so it doesnt have central heat or air currently, so every night it gets down to the high 30s, and it turns into a matter of "how persistant are you to use your body heat to see the next morning" type of scenario. and there really arent any extra blankets there, so my wife tells me how freezing cold she gets, and shes sleeping in a hoodie and 2 pants. i told her to go buy a blanket at walmart, but i guess she hasnt, or wont. i told her to go stay at her grandparents house... which is 200 feet away. or her uncles house, which is 200 feet away. but she doesnt want to be an imposition. and doesnt want her immediate family thinking it anything personal. and her family has never been big on eating or grocery shopping. she has money. but if my wife buys anything, while shes at work her sister eats it. if she tells her sister not to eat it, its hers, her sister will eat it just to spite her. so theres really no way to win. her parents went to mcdonalds one night, but her mom some how ate her sandwhich before they got home "sorry, i was just really really hungry" is the only reason she gave? lol. i was like "dang... thats harsh." she said the family is pretty much all out of money until they get payed on friday (my wife has 50 bucks til she gets payed on friday, but they don't know that) and there was no food in the house. her sister ate her 2 cans of chef boyardee while she was at work. so her dad says "i'll go grocery shopping" he comes back and here was his grocery shopping haul:
1 bag of mini-pretzels
1 bag of lays potato chips
1 box of nutty buddy ice cream cones
1 gallon of milk
1 two-litre of mountain dew
1 two-litre of pepsi
2 two-litres of coke
1 six-pack of bud light
(i appologize to those of you unfamiliar with america's backwards way of measureing, and of not adopting metric system. thats a seperate rant, but i HATE american measurments. when will we FINALLY go metric?!?!)
i was like "your dad's a moron." the ineptitude of these people... just DOES NOT stop astounding me. how is that considered grocery shopping? theres 4 people in the house... if they need THAT MUCH soda... theres a big problem. who is drinking that much beverage anyway?!?! i dunno. i have a tap. i have water. pop is a luxury... not a necesity.
so her dinner tonight, was a peice of white bread, on it was mayonaise and ketchup. i told her to go to long johns or arbys or something, but she refuses to drive their clunker car, and they refuse to leave the house, and she has no friends to take her out. she did have friends who worked with her, but they quit cause the boss is crazy and accuses everyone of conspiring against the company, so told them they arent aloud to talk to each otehr at work... and so her super fun job is now like a prison camp.
i called a temp agency so i could work an extra job this weekend, and next weekend, so i can have some money to take her out to eat someplace nice when i get there, And maybe a hotel or whatever so we're not freezing, lol. and give her a decent anniversary present (it was yesterday :) yay) but i'm really REALLY hoping this experience will give me more leverage in the "don't go back there" argument. i mean her family is fine. god bless em. individually they are all decent people... but all together its liek Big Brother just one dramatic meltdown after another. and i just don't see why she feels the slightest even urge to want to subject herself to that year after year. she told me as soon as october hit she looked in the mirror and said "what am i doing? this is just dumb. i want to leave as soon as possible" (and a choir of angels chant "hallelujah!") so i'm hoping, hoping, hoping she'll remember all this next july when shes barking up this tree again, and just decides to cut the theoretical tree down instead with a chainsaw. i'm not a dramatic person. i'm a very easy going person. i may rant and rave about things on my blog. but thats just for shock value... like glen beck or something. but she was saying how she loves at our place its so peaceful, and just a constant state of nirvana, and as soon as she walks into the house back home its like grenades and machine guns and "charlies, bihind you!" then tom hanks jumps down with camo-makeup and b-52 bombers are flying over, nazi germany invading the bathroom. its just a constant warzone. she practically has to crawl around on her belly at all times to avoid the gun fire of obscenity and insult.
(as a side rant on her sister), i was reading last night on the crosswalk main site about families with adult children, most notably about adult children and enabling parents and i was rather shocked at what i read... not really actually. cause alot of post hs grad kids are lazy these days, but still... pretty much i was able to identify her in almost every scenario. and i know the reason theres so much chaos in the family, is because 'sis' still lives at home, and is a HUGE drama queen, and brings the drama from facebook to the house and gets her family all riled up too.
ex: one friend on facebook told her how pigs are more inteligent than cows, so 'sis' has decided to boycot eating pork, because its not fair to subject such pain to such intelligent creatures. her dad said that "i like pork. bacon is good" or something meaningless like that. and then 'sis' started with the obscenities and "well dad, your a selfish bleep de bleep this and that" then the gloves were off. *insert wife crawling on belly avoiding gunfire and tom hanks jumping from a helicopter in full camo*
i just wish her parents would "shut up and buck up," as my wife says when she impersonates Dr. Phil :D, and say "listen, your getting a job, your getting a licence, and in 6 months of saving, your out of here. your 21 years old. turn the cartoons off and get a life!" she says she can't get a job cause her parents wont take her, and she can't get a licence cause her mom won't help her study. your 21. her parents arent directly enabling her, but she is allowing their lack of doing everything for her, to enable her own short comings. its just so frustrating seeing people, living their lives, and not very well. i feel sorry for my parents-in-law cause i think its time they get to be alone again. and i dont think they need teh stress and drama every day of whatever her internet friends are doing or not doing or whatever. i just wish the parents would be able to recognize it (maybe they have) and then form a plan to make her life better. her mom came in and said to my wife the otehr night "you know, if something were to happen to your father and i, im really worried about what would happen to your sis. who would take care of her?" the whole time my wife is telling me im smacking my forhead with my palm "SHES. TWENTY. ONE!" at 21 i was living on my own, working 2 jobs, and going to college full time. lol. why is that such a foreign concept for them all?!
_____________________________
Jesus Christ please help me 'cause i'm lonely. Whats the use in living, if you can't make a good living?
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RE: update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 10:07:33 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1469
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
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Well lets hope that this finally convinces her that her place in with YOU and not THEM.
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RE: update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 10:19:40 AM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 332
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline
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Why IS she there? I guess I need a review of last season.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 10:27:55 AM
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keithyhuntington
Posts: 814
Joined: 7/7/2009
From: Tulsa, Okla.
Status: offline
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quote:
Why IS she there? I guess I need a review of last season.
oh, lol. her family goes all out for halloween like most of you guys go all out for christmas. and during the fall months these people from kentucky who her family has grown close to run a halloween store, and she has worked there every year since '04. and her parents both started working there every year since 07.
she really misses her family because we live 1000 miles apart, and she wanted to go back 'home' so she could work at the halloween store again, and relive 'the good ol days' with her family or something. but it seems its just not 'the good ol days' any longer.
_____________________________
Jesus Christ please help me 'cause i'm lonely. Whats the use in living, if you can't make a good living?
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RE: update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 10:29:46 AM
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laura...
Posts: 3280
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
i just wish her parents would "shut up and buck up," as my wife says when she impersonates Dr. Phil :D, and say "listen, your getting a job, your getting a licence, and in 6 months of saving, your out of here. your 21 years old. turn the cartoons off and get a life!"
I just wish some husbands would "shut up and buck up," and say, "No, you aren't going to stay in an unhealthy, dangerous, codependent situation for 2-3 months." Remember that next July.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 10:42:23 AM
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keithyhuntington
Posts: 814
Joined: 7/7/2009
From: Tulsa, Okla.
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
i just wish her parents would "shut up and buck up," as my wife says when she impersonates Dr. Phil :D, and say "listen, your getting a job, your getting a licence, and in 6 months of saving, your out of here. your 21 years old. turn the cartoons off and get a life!"
I just wish some husbands would "shut up and buck up," and say, "No, you aren't going to stay in an unhealthy, dangerous, codependent situation for 2-3 months." Remember that next July.
yeah... i feel ya. i told her its gonna be hard, and i let her read the e-mails she wrote me last year about it, while she was there to refresh her memory. but she said its her family, and you have to take the bad with the good. so i'm like "aaallllrrriiigggghhht. its your funeral, not mine."
she has a past with controlling boyfriends, and i dont want to come off to her, or her family, as controlling. cause i don't want her to feel like how she felt with them. i'll give her my points of view, and tell her how i feel about stuff, and perceive stuff, and what i would do. but if she still wants it, by all means... i'm not gonna yank the spoon out of her hand.
but this year has been REALLY bad. the only thing i feel like i really should do is just let her form her own oppinion of how bad it is, and decide finally its juts not worth it anymore. but i feel like i have some PRETTY GOOD leverage for that argument now.
_____________________________
Jesus Christ please help me 'cause i'm lonely. Whats the use in living, if you can't make a good living?
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RE: update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 10:57:50 AM
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AslansChild
Posts: 66
Joined: 6/30/2005
Status: offline
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Keith,
Wow this is an interesting arrangement. How long have you been married? My experience (20 years of marrige) is that the husband and wife make decisions that are best for the couple and eventually the family when kids come along. Sometimes the cooler head needs to prevail and make a decision and stick by it. Is your wife in this situation because of financial obligations? Even so I could not think of any reason (outside of military service) that a spouse should take a temporary job 1000 miles away. This doesn't even take into consideration the history that you have laid out.
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RE: update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 11:12:06 AM
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laura...
Posts: 3280
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: keithyhuntington
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
i just wish her parents would "shut up and buck up," as my wife says when she impersonates Dr. Phil :D, and say "listen, your getting a job, your getting a licence, and in 6 months of saving, your out of here. your 21 years old. turn the cartoons off and get a life!"
I just wish some husbands would "shut up and buck up," and say, "No, you aren't going to stay in an unhealthy, dangerous, codependent situation for 2-3 months." Remember that next July.
yeah... i feel ya. i told her its gonna be hard, and i let her read the e-mails she wrote me last year about it, while she was there to refresh her memory. but she said its her family, and you have to take the bad with the good. so i'm like "aaallllrrriiigggghhht. its your funeral, not mine."
she has a past with controlling boyfriends, and i dont want to come off to her, or her family, as controlling. cause i don't want her to feel like how she felt with them. i'll give her my points of view, and tell her how i feel about stuff, and perceive stuff, and what i would do. but if she still wants it, by all means... i'm not gonna yank the spoon out of her hand.
but this year has been REALLY bad. the only thing i feel like i really should do is just let her form her own oppinion of how bad it is, and decide finally its juts not worth it anymore. but i feel like i have some PRETTY GOOD leverage for that argument now.
I understand your reticence. I also know and agree that you "can't yank the spoon". I think it is reasonable, however, to insist that if she plans on going next year that a more reasonable length of time be planned, AND, she must have specific supports in place while she is there:
One, she must have the funds in savings for her return trip home at a moment's notice. It should be enough money to do any of the following: rent a car and pay for gas, buy a bus ticket, buy a plane ticket.
Two, she must have access to her own means of transportation while there. She is an adult. She should no more be dependent on her parents while there than her sister should be.
Three, she must be earning enough money at the job there to make it worth it. What she makes must be enough that the financial cost of being there is less than 50% of what she earns. Weigh carefully what that cost is. The cost includes: travel to and from, food for her while she's there, the cost of feeding her sister, extra blanket, transportation, whatever you spend at home that you normally wouldn't be spending if she was home, other hidden expenses.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 11:51:34 AM
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GraceyGirl
Posts: 347
Joined: 6/4/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
i just wish her parents would "shut up and buck up," as my wife says when she impersonates Dr. Phil :D, and say "listen, your getting a job, your getting a licence, and in 6 months of saving, your out of here. your 21 years old. turn the cartoons off and get a life!"
I just wish some husbands would "shut up and buck up," and say, "No, you aren't going to stay in an unhealthy, dangerous, codependent situation for 2-3 months." Remember that next July.
LOL OH Laura - way to go. Keithy man, you know I'm on your side about this, but she makes a REALLY good point. "Shut up and buck up" - similar to - "For this reason will a man/woman leave his/her parents and cleave ONLY unto his/her spouse."
_____________________________
God called. He'd like His church back.
~John Wimber~
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RE: update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 12:11:15 PM
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Abbreviated
Posts: 1253
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Kansas
Status: offline
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Does the lazy sister work in the shop ?
_____________________________
Buried In Legos...
Bologna Donuts
Jackie
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RE: update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 12:25:57 PM
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keithyhuntington
Posts: 814
Joined: 7/7/2009
From: Tulsa, Okla.
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Abbreviated
Does the lazy sister work in the shop ?
no. she helped set up, but she said the customers 'stress me out too much' so no. the last time she had a job was last halloween. she did work there last year. but not this year.
quote:
ORIGINAL: GraceyGirl
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
i just wish her parents would "shut up and buck up," as my wife says when she impersonates Dr. Phil :D, and say "listen, your getting a job, your getting a licence, and in 6 months of saving, your out of here. your 21 years old. turn the cartoons off and get a life!"
I just wish some husbands would "shut up and buck up," and say, "No, you aren't going to stay in an unhealthy, dangerous, codependent situation for 2-3 months." Remember that next July.
LOL OH Laura - way to go. Keithy man, you know I'm on your side about this, but she makes a REALLY good point. "Shut up and buck up" - similar to - "For this reason will a man/woman leave his/her parents and cleave ONLY unto his/her spouse."
alright, alright... you guys made your point  no more quoting me, to me!! 
_____________________________
Jesus Christ please help me 'cause i'm lonely. Whats the use in living, if you can't make a good living?
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RE: update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 1:04:39 PM
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laura...
Posts: 3280
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: keithyhuntington
quote:
ORIGINAL: Abbreviated
Does the lazy sister work in the shop ?
no. she helped set up, but she said the customers 'stress me out too much' so no. the last time she had a job was last halloween. she did work there last year. but not this year.
quote:
ORIGINAL: GraceyGirl
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
i just wish her parents would "shut up and buck up," as my wife says when she impersonates Dr. Phil :D, and say "listen, your getting a job, your getting a licence, and in 6 months of saving, your out of here. your 21 years old. turn the cartoons off and get a life!"
I just wish some husbands would "shut up and buck up," and say, "No, you aren't going to stay in an unhealthy, dangerous, codependent situation for 2-3 months." Remember that next July.
LOL OH Laura - way to go. Keithy man, you know I'm on your side about this, but she makes a REALLY good point. "Shut up and buck up" - similar to - "For this reason will a man/woman leave his/her parents and cleave ONLY unto his/her spouse."
alright, alright... you guys made your point no more quoting me, to me!!
Ahh, you know we love you. &:)
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 1:05:56 PM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 332
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline
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She needs to find a job she loves where you live, then next year she will choose not to go because she won't want to loose her dream job.
Help her find a great job, problem solved...
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 3:34:20 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 8018
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
Status: offline
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quote:
she really misses her family because we live 1000 miles apart, and she wanted to go back 'home' so she could work at the halloween store again, and relive 'the good ol days' with her family or something. but it seems its just not 'the good ol days' any longer. We all learn at one point or another that you just can't go home again.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: update on our 'long distance' situation - 10/22/2009 6:40:05 PM
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Kath
Posts: 17284
Joined: 2/28/2005
Status: offline
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Thank you for taking the time to start your new thread. However, you already have a thread running on your situation here: spouce and family of origin... advice?
To start a new thread on the same topic, even to update, is considered spam and a violation of our Terms of Service 12.
Please do not start a new thread to post updates. Thank you for your cooperation.
This thread is closed. If you wish to continue the discussion, please post in the previous thread: spouce and family of origin... advice?
Sincerely
Kath
Volunteer Assistant Administrator
Please do not reply to this message within the Community.
Please do not send me PMs regarding this message as I am unable to discuss it further.
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments, or concerns allowing time for a response during normal business hours.
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