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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family?
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[Poll]
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Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family?
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| Yes, it is my responsiblity to make the decisions. |
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| No, my wife and I lead together. |
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| No, my wife is in charge. |
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| I have no idea. |
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| I am unsure. |
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| I am not married, but want to co-lead with my wife. |
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Total Votes : 21
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(last vote on : 11/19/2009 10:19:22 PM)
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/5/2009 1:02:39 AM
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Gigem08
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I am not married yet either so I too speak from a hypothetical position. I have found in my past relationships that when a decision needed to be made that affected both of us, I really liked to get input from her, discuss it and then I made the final decision. Usually. Sometimes things go the way I think they should even if its against her wishes sometimes I really see her point and we go with her point of view. Ultimately though, I think that I make the final decision but never or almost never without at least asking her opinion on the matter.
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/6/2009 6:39:53 PM
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Narcil
Posts: 56
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ajlewis
You have to decide what leadership means for you. I don't view leadership as ruling with an iron fist...When issues come up, for me it has to a consensus between the two of us as to what's right.
I completely agree with the first part, and generally agree with the second. However, having been married for 10 years I can say that there will be times when I and my wife will disagree and we can't come to a consensus (fortunately not too often). During those times it's necessary for one to have a "casting vote," as C.S. Lewis says. The husband has the responsibility to handle that deciding vote.
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/6/2009 6:53:28 PM
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GroupW
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I voted #2, for reasons that are very similar to benelchi's -
Practically speaking, if my responsibility is to lead and sacrifice for my wife (literally, to the point of death), and if my wife's responsibility is to love me selflessly (literally, without regard for her own self), then works out to a mutual sacrifice for each other.
Biblically, I think the implication is one of such intense mutual regard for the other that an intimate partnership evolves naturally out of love.
I've never, ever tried to exert any sort of veto power. When we've disagreed, we've simply argued it out until we found a compromise we could both live with. When that wasn't possible, we've continued to argue it out until we achieved the impossible. With sufficient motivation on both parts, I don't believe that a happy compromise is impossible.
Neither of us has ever tried to exert any one-sided control or veto power. We've always just hammered it out the hard way until we were both happy.
Refusing to exert any sort of veto power means that we've agreed in advance to negotiate it out. Neither one of us can take an easy way out. I like it that way.
< Message edited by GroupW -- 11/6/2009 7:01:25 PM >
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/6/2009 6:59:13 PM
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GroupW
Posts: 2530
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quote:
ORIGINAL: KaptZ
Not to mention the objects thrown at my head!
Duck & cover dude. Duck & cover.
It's a necessary marital skill.
_____________________________
“For every problem, there is a solution that is simple, elegant and wrong.” -H.L. Mencken
"Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so." -Bertrand Russell
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/7/2009 8:21:08 PM
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cberman
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I am not married (and won't be any time soon), but if I do get married, it will most definitely be a 'co-leading' situation.
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/15/2009 5:34:13 PM
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humbleinspirit
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I have to admit that I am uncomfortable with taking the lead. I would hope more that I would discuss things with my future spouse instead, but I guess if push came to shove, I would hope that she would honor me and let me have the final decision.
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/15/2009 10:58:15 PM
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humbleinspirit
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Maybe it would be more fun with a rope doing a tug-of-war instead. 
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/16/2009 12:44:26 AM
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rawr.ben
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My girlfriend just tonight informed that "she will wear the pants when it comes to interior design."
Fair enough, babe.
I am not married, but I am dating . . . if it were to lead to marriage, I know that she looks up to me, respects my decisions, and views me as being the head, though I am never "bossy," it is as how others have talked, I hold "responsibility."
Certainly it is a little different being only a dating relationship, but we have that understanding now.
Of course, I include her and trust her completely. She is much smarter than me. :)
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rawr.ben
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/18/2009 3:41:48 PM
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John_O
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quote:
Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family?
How could it be otherwise?
quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
Please tell me whether you think you ought to be in charge or you want an equal partner. There is no in-between answer.
There is an in between answer. And there must be. The husband has ultimate responsibility in the home. Whatever happens for good or for woe is his fault.
God gives us wives as our number one counsellors. We must provide for her mental and emotional well being. That includes taking into account her ideas about what should happen.
A man who does not get his wife's input on a decision is neglecting his duty as a husband.
A husband and wife are as equal as can be in a marriage, but the roles are different. In the end the guy gets the blame so he must make the decisions. Figure a partnership where he owns 50.0000001 and she owns 49.9999999.
So while I answered number one, the answer is really number 1 1/2.
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/18/2009 4:05:19 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7008
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If a husband has the ability to overrule his wife at anytime, he is in charge. It doesn't matter if it's 99 to 1 or 49 to 51. If he can overrule his wife, he is in charge. That is the premise of this thread. There is no room for debate in this thread. For further information, please read the op.
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My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/19/2009 2:43:58 PM
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benelchi
Posts: 4566
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From: California
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
If a husband has the ability to overrule his wife at anytime, he is in charge. It doesn't matter if it's 99 to 1 or 49 to 51. If he can overrule his wife, he is in charge. That is the premise of this thread. There is no room for debate in this thread. For further information, please read the op.
By that definition, someone is "in charge" in EVERY marriage. The only question left is whether they are following the biblical model of male leadership or not.
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אשת־חיל מי ימצא ורחק מפנינים מכרה
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/19/2009 2:51:43 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: benelchi
By that definition, someone is "in charge" in EVERY marriage. The only question left is whether they are following the biblical model of male leadership or not.
That doesn't make any sense. If a couple are working together to make decisions and neither has the ability to over-rule the other, then they are both in charge. If one has the ability to over-rule the other, then he is in charge. There are some areas where we are simply in charge of ourselves, but that doesn't make us in charge of someone else too.
Furthermore, not everyone believe there is a biblical model of male leadership. Some of us believe that God created woman to work with her husband, not for him.
< Message edited by cynthia -- 11/19/2009 2:59:03 PM >
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/19/2009 3:24:11 PM
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benelchi
Posts: 4566
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From: California
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
quote:
ORIGINAL: benelchi
By that definition, someone is "in charge" in EVERY marriage. The only question left is whether they are following the biblical model of male leadership or not.
That doesn't make any sense. If a couple are working together to make decisions and neither has the ability to over-rule the other, then they are both in charge. If one has the ability to over-rule the other, then he is in charge. There are some areas where we are simply in charge of ourselves, but that doesn't make us in charge of someone else too.
Unless, you can claim that you are both sinless and never face disagreement (and the bible tells us you can't), there are times where one or the other will have to submit to the request of the other, and as you said "It doesn't matter if it's 99 to 1 or 49 to 51."
quote:
Furthermore, not everyone believe there is a biblical model of male leadership. Some of us believe that God created woman to work with her husband, not for him.
Most Christians who believe in male leadership, even those who hold to the strictest "traditional" views, believe that "God created woman to work with her husband, not for him." To state this as you have demonstrates that you truly do not understand the biblical model for male leadership or the doctrine of male headship held by most Christians over the last two millennia.
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אשת־חיל מי ימצא ורחק מפנינים מכרה
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/19/2009 4:38:01 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: benelchi
Unless, you can claim that you are both sinless and never face disagreement (and the bible tells us you can't), there are times where one or the other will have to submit to the request of the other, and as you said "It doesn't matter if it's 99 to 1 or 49 to 51."
That is not correct. Willingly submitting is not the same as being over-ruled.
quote:
ORIGINAL: benelchi
Most Christians who believe in male leadership, even those who hold to the strictest "traditional" views, believe that "God created woman to work with her husband, not for him." To state this as you have demonstrates that you truly do not understand the biblical model for male leadership or the doctrine of male headship held by most Christians over the last two millennia.
I'm aware of what most Christians have believed. I also believe that there are many things that have been misunderstood through the centuries, but that didn't make them correct. I think I have a pretty good grip on this issue and that you clearly do not understand the biblical model for unity in marriage, but this thread isn't for arguing. I started it for my husband, since he was interested. I'm not going to respond to any further posts that get this thread off track or accuse me of ignorance.
< Message edited by cynthia -- 11/19/2009 4:49:51 PM >
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/19/2009 8:15:13 PM
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benelchi
Posts: 4566
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From: California
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
quote:
ORIGINAL: benelchi
Unless, you can claim that you are both sinless and never face disagreement (and the bible tells us you can't), there are times where one or the other will have to submit to the request of the other, and as you said "It doesn't matter if it's 99 to 1 or 49 to 51."
That is not correct. Willingly submitting is not the same as being over-ruled.
quote:
ORIGINAL: benelchi
Most Christians who believe in male leadership, even those who hold to the strictest "traditional" views, believe that "God created woman to work with her husband, not for him." To state this as you have demonstrates that you truly do not understand the biblical model for male leadership or the doctrine of male headship held by most Christians over the last two millennia.
I'm aware of what most Christians have believed. I also believe that there are many things that have been misunderstood through the centuries, but that didn't make them correct. I think I have a pretty good grip on this issue and that you clearly do not understand the biblical model for unity in marriage, but this thread isn't for arguing.
I have read far more than most on this topic and have taught on this topic as well. Yes, I do understand the well arguments for "biblical egalitarianism", likely far better than you. I argue the biblical egalitarian position well enough that half the time I post in the Women in Ministry thread here on Crosswalk, I get accused of holding that position. I have examined at the historical, archeological, and linguistic evidence for all of the major positions before coming to my own conclusions and can explain the merits and weakness of each of these positions, and can do so WITHOUT misrepresenting those who hold position I disagree with.
quote:
I started it for my husband, since he was interested. I'm not going to respond to any further posts that get this thread off track or accuse me of ignorance.
Because your statement represented a very significant misrepresentation of the views you are opposing, I assumed it was ignorance but I guess it is possible that it was a deliberate misrepresentation. 
I would recommend you read the book "Women in Ministry: four views", even though the book only touches on the issues of biblical marriage. The book is written in a debate format with different theologians taking different positions on this issue. One of the things you will find is that the authors from every position will openly acknowledge that a woman isn't meant to be a man's servant (that was simply a misrepresentation made by you); you will also notice that each of the authors is gracious as they present their arguments against the positions of the other authors and that they each acknowledge the weakness in their own position. In this thread, it seems that you simply want to tell us how much better you understand this topic than anyone does; however, the reality is that there are very good scholars who hold positions on all sides of this issue and disagreement with the position you hold isn't a reflection of a lack of study; the majority of evangelical scholars disagree with your position (and some of these scholars (Like Susan Foe) are women.
I also have to wonder what value it is for your husband to know that his position is in the minority, if he doesn't care enough to take the time to even understand what the alternative positions (there are more than one) truly are.
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אשת־חיל מי ימצא ורחק מפנינים מכרה
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/19/2009 8:38:09 PM
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jhuperetes
Posts: 472
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I am sorry, you misunderstood.
Do you two make each and every decision in unison, or on consensus, or ? What if there is a disagreement on the decision? Who "casts the tie-breaking vote"? Who says, "ok, then we do this"?
I presume you do not consult each other on each and every decision. So, do you split the decisions quantitatively, that is he decides what is for dinner 50% of the time, and you decide 50% or by function, that is he decides all dinners but you decide all weekend trips or similar?
quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
quote:
ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
To me when "both are in charge" means neither is in charge.
lol My husband and I are definitely in charge of our family. We endeavor to lead together, but we don't try to lead each other. We try to work towards unity in all things. I guess when it's back to just the two of us, after our children have left, then there won't be anyone to lead. In that case, I guess there will be no leader, except of course Christ, who is our leader.
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/19/2009 10:16:03 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7008
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
I am sorry, you misunderstood.
Do you two make each and every decision in unison, or on consensus, or ? What if there is a disagreement on the decision? Who "casts the tie-breaking vote"? Who says, "ok, then we do this"?
I presume you do not consult each other on each and every decision. So, do you split the decisions quantitatively, that is he decides what is for dinner 50% of the time, and you decide 50% or by function, that is he decides all dinners but you decide all weekend trips or similar?
If it is a decision that needs both of us to decide, we work through it until we come to something we both can live with., otherwise, we just go about our business. I decide what's for dinner and do all the shopping, because that's part of my duties, but if my husband wants something, he lets me know or if he doesn't like something, he lets me know. We just do what works for us. We make major decisions together. Actually we don't really disagree very often. We've been married for 25 years and know each other so well that we usually have a pretty good idea of what the other person is thinking. We also have the same values, so it's not like we have major disagreements. I can't think of anything that we've had trouble agreeing on. I just asked my husband on this and he couldn't think of anything either.
After thinking about it for a while I came up with something. My husband loves hunting. I understand that and budget the money for his hunting license, etc., but I worry while he's gone. If I were to "put my foot down" and demand that he not go, I think he would think I had lost my mind. I can't think of anything similar that I do that he doesn't like. I don't do anything that scares him though. 
As far as family leadership, we discuss the issues together and decide on how to handle things that come up. Mainly though we have a parenting style and are likely to do the same thing anyway.
benelchi, you are going to get this thread shut down if you persist. Please stop giving me unwelcome counsel and taking the thread into a discussion that is only for the one stop thread. I don't know why you feel you should be telling me what to do. I'm not your wife.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Do You Want To Be In Charge of Your Wife and Family? - 11/19/2009 10:25:48 PM
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its_GO_time
Posts: 552
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quote:
I am the head of household, but am not "in charge" of anyone.
I agree. Our pastor said once, that marriage is for grown-ups. And whether I like it or not, the buck (or the embarrasment, humiliation, and failure, for bad decisions) always stops here with me.
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"I believe the very heart and soul of conservatism is libertarianism." -Ronald Reagan
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