|
|
|
|
|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
Scared and angry and SAD - 10/23/2009 11:21:20 PM
|
|
|
thepcmom
Posts: 11
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline
|
Hi everyone,
I'm just a lurker and not much of a poster but I am in desperate need of some advice tonight. My husband and I have been married for almost a year. He is not a christian but I am. I was saved in 1998 but fell away for a couple of years. During that time I started dating him again, ended up pregnant and got married to him last year. I knew he wasn't a believer but wanted to start getting right with the Lord because I knew living with him was wrong. I figured since we already had our son together and he was willing to be a part of his life...I'm sure you know the story.
I also have a 14 year old daughter who has caused A LOT of strife in the marriage and she hates him. That's another story for another time.
He has a drinking problem. Tonight after work he decided to go out drinking with his so called buddies but he of course did not call me. He has a frequent pattern of doing this and he knows it drives me nuts. Then to top it off he drove home after drinking..another thing to drive me nuts. I no longer drink and have really been seeking the Lord over the past 6 months.
We had an argument and I just didn't want to even talk to him. I decided to take our son and go get my daughter from the football game up the street (school game). He got mad and tried to take our son from me. He ended up hitting me in the back but it was not hard in the least bit but I yelled You just hit me! I got really upset and started crying. I called the cops because I was kind of scared, he has never done this ever before in all of the years I have know him. The cops mad him leave and my stepdaughter's mom came and picked him up (his ex)
So after the cops left he tried to get in the car and get his paycheck and I asked if he was planning on giving me any of it because we need to pay bills. He said no and started yelling at me and I yelled back at him. I told him I wasn't giving him the paycheck until we talked tomorrow when he is not drunk. He yelled he wasn't drunk and if I cashed the paycheck he would have me arrested. By that time my daughter was home and heard everything. After he left I looked for the check and couldn't even find it. Either he has it or he lost it.
I am so upset and I don't even know where to begin to handle this. I think I screwed up and should never have called the police in the first place. I'm afraid the marriage will be over and he may never come to know the Lord. I wish I would have kept my mouth shut and not yelled. I am just so fustrated with the drinking and other things. I am tired.
I don't know what to do. Really I know all I can do is talk to the Lord because only he truly understands. I just feel so alone right now. I only have a couple of friends but we are not super close. Nobody knows about the drinking.
I just need some prayers please and if anyone has some good Godly advice as to what my next step would/should be I'd appreciate that too.
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/24/2009 4:18:15 AM
|
|
|
GregandJenny
Posts: 665
Joined: 2/16/2006
From: Near Seattle Washington
Status: online
|
I am praying for you.
Is there a safer place for you to stay?
_____________________________
It does not have to be well with my circumstance to be well with my soul!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/24/2009 6:19:09 AM
|
|
|
Anon101
Posts: 188
Joined: 10/21/2009
Status: offline
|
I'm new here and just started posting, too.
I empathize with you because I'm in a similar situation. My husband doesn't drink but has temper outbursts because he is bi-polar. I too have a young son (16 months old).
It is so hard because so many of us get married for the wrong reasons. Sounds like we both got married because we felt as though it was the moral thing to do, but in the end we realize two wrongs don't make a right. The world would tell you "leave him" but now that you know the Lord you know He HATES divorce. So now what, right? God unfortunately doesn't give us a marriage mulligan or practice shot.
Living with someone who is not a Christian is so very difficult. It is easy to start acting like they do during a fight (yelling), so don't beat yourself up on that one, just ask forgiveness. Draw closer and closer to God and try to act the opposite of your husband when he gets violently angry whether it is from booze or life in general. It is amazing how that does quell a fight. It is important to quell the fight for your children's sake as well as your safety. Do call the police if he gets physical. You did the right thing.
Satan knows you are trying to get right with the Lord so don't be surprised if things get worse before they get better. If you feel you or your kids are in danger, please go to a friend's house or family member's house. Continue to pray for your husband's salvation. Again, if things are not safe, leave. If your husband thinks or realizes that his drinking could cost him his family, he will reflect on his behavior in his sober moments. Don't even deal with him when he is drunk. Drunks are not rational and will do things they wouldn't do sober. You are wasting your energy trying to talk to a drunk person. Keep your children away from him when he is drunk and if possible stay away from him when he is drunk.
There is hope. Two of my uncles were alcoholics and on the brink of divorce. My aunts left (didn't divorce) but it gave my uncles time to be alone with their drunk empty selves. Both men ended up crying out to God in the depths of their despair. Both couples have now been married over 40 years!!!
Don't keep this a secret. Tell a family member/friend you trust. This is not anything you need to be ashamed of. You will find so many people have dealt with alcoholics or drinkers in their lives. Don't beat yourself up, either. If your husband loves you and you speak to him about the Lord (whether he wants to hear it or not) you are planting seeds. When he is alone with that bottle and nothing else, those words you spoke will come to his memory. Pray that he acts on those words. :)
It is so difficult for a 14 yr old to accept a new step parent. It is one of the worst ages to introduce someone new to the family. Your 14 year old needs to be able to talk to someone about her anger. She probably will fight you on this, but counseling for the two of you and hopefully later on the three of you will be able to talk. She needs to get her anger out in a healthy way. I think she is just very angry. That is normal. She needs to respect you and your husband's boundaries, though. She is still the child. Her mouthiness (I'm guessing this is an issue just knowing teenagers) is only going to make things worse between the three of you.
You will probably get better advice from more mature Christians on this forum. Though I've walked with the Lord since I was seven, I'm still an immature Christian. I'm not as conservative as some here. I understand that we can still walk in the flesh at times and still be a Christian and love the Lord. Just know God loves you. Let your daughter know she is loved and hold that little blessing so tight. I always plead the blood over my son every night due to some of the ungodly stuff that goes on around him. Also, take you and your children somewhere safe if your husband gets violent after drinking.
Your sister in Christ,
Lorilynn
< Message edited by Lorilynn777 -- 10/24/2009 6:32:05 AM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/24/2009 10:14:59 AM
|
|
|
3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 3595
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
Actually, I would say you did *exactly* the right thing calling the police. Calling the cops on a drunk, violent man who tries to take your kid out of your arms is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. 
Now, the yelling at him, probably not the healthiest thing. But that's something you can change immediately, and you can change it not to save your marriage but because it's the right thing to do. There are times when both people are feeding a cycle of mutual abuse, and if you think that might be the case for you, then you have the power to change the way you do things, even if you can't change the way he does things.
You *need* to get among people who can help you. His alcohol abuse *needs* to come out into the light. Healing and reconciliation cannot happen without some things changing. If he chooses to abandon you, or to force you out by his drinking and violence, that is his choice. And I'm not sure where you got the idea that you are responsible to save his eternal soul by accepting drunkenness and abuse.
_____________________________
 Moo
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/24/2009 2:43:53 PM
|
|
|
truthrevealed
Posts: 733
Joined: 12/6/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
You will probably get better advice from more mature Christians on this forum. Though I've walked with the Lord since I was seven, I'm still an immature Christian
Looks like you did a fine job to me!
Great advice!!!
_____________________________
I'll tell the world....where--ever I go. That I, have found, a Savior....and He's sweet I know!!!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/24/2009 4:37:59 PM
|
|
|
stamper_ben
Posts: 8029
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Lorilynn777
There is hope. Two of my uncles were alcoholics and on the brink of divorce. My aunts left (didn't divorce) but it gave my uncles time to be alone with their drunk empty selves. Both men ended up crying out to God in the depths of their despair. Both couples have now been married over 40 years!!!
You will probably get better advice from more mature Christians on this forum.
Your sister in Christ,
Lorilynn
This part of what was said really hits home for me. In 1995 I was unsaved and 18 years into our marriage. I was an alcoholic and drug user. I had anger problems and verbally abused both my wife and our children. She left me and when I hit that depth of despair her uncles did I too I fell to my knees and cried out to Jesus. Things are not perfect, but I do have hope and we do have His help.
I think Lorilynn has great advice in the rest of her post.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/24/2009 5:05:43 PM
|
|
|
Anon101
Posts: 188
Joined: 10/21/2009
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: stamper_ben
quote:
ORIGINAL: Lorilynn777
There is hope. Two of my uncles were alcoholics and on the brink of divorce. My aunts left (didn't divorce) but it gave my uncles time to be alone with their drunk empty selves. Both men ended up crying out to God in the depths of their despair. Both couples have now been married over 40 years!!!
You will probably get better advice from more mature Christians on this forum.
Your sister in Christ,
Lorilynn
This part of what was said really hits home for me. In 1995 I was unsaved and 18 years into our marriage. I was an alcoholic and drug user. I had anger problems and verbally abused both my wife and our children. She left me and when I hit that depth of despair her uncles did I too I fell to my knees and cried out to Jesus. Things are not perfect, but I do have hope and we do have His help.
Well praise the Lord! Another testimony for this beautiful woman to hear. There is nothing like an empty house, an empty bottle, and an empty heart to make someone fall to their knees and cry out to God. Sometimes God lets us get so low that there is nowhere else to look but up. He is always there waiting and ready for us. He'll take our hand if we lift ours.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/24/2009 9:28:17 PM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 1766
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
You did right to call the police. Do it again if he ever raises his hand to you or the children in anger. You should never deal with him or let him into the house if he is drunk. Just lock the door from the inside (get a lock that does this) and tell him to come back when he's sober. If he is driving drunk and you know about it, call the cops about that too. It's the only thing a responsible citizen can do if you know he is putting other's lives at risk on the road.
This is called tough love, and it's an important part of having a stable life when you are married to someone who has different values from you. When he 'crosses the line' you take action... that will also help you not to get riled up, scared and angry enough to loose your own cool. You just do what you know is the fair and right thing -- and you can do that with an in-control face and a level head. (That's why police and judges and such never yell at people... they have real power, so they use it... and so do you.)
If it keeps happening, that he tries to come home drunk and you have to deal with confrontations over it all the time, you can ask him to find another place to live until he gets his drinking problem sorted out. That's a temporary separation where you remain faithful -- not a divorce. You would need to be open to him making better choices and earning your trust to come home.
He may leave you over it. That's his call. But you can't be dominated by the fear of being a single mom. You are more than capable of being a single mom if he leaves you. It won't be any harder than being a godly woman with healthy boundaries if he stays in the marriage.
As for him coming to the Lord or not -- that's between him and God. If you can be a good witness, that's great. If the situation is too much for that to be shining through much, that's sad, but understandable. You are not responsible for his salvation.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/24/2009 10:19:21 PM
|
|
|
thepcmom
Posts: 11
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline
|
Thank you for the prayers and encouraging words of support. I had a hard time sleeping last night but got through it.
He called me this morning and wanted to know if we were still going to my parents to help my dad out with some maintenance type work. I begrudgingly said yes because he thinks so highly of my father. My father is a STRONG christian and I know he prays for us. So I picked him up and we were there all day.
Him and I were cordial though cool to each other. When we got home he crashed on the couch and is still sleeping. My son is asleep and my daughter is over at her Dad's house. Needless to say we still haven't talked yet. I am still fustrated yet sad. My stepdaughter's mom called today and although she sympathizes I don't really feel comfortable talking to her. She says I have the "new & improved Joe" over what she had. Like that's supposed to make me feel better. She told me I don't know if you know this but the cops usually take the kids during a domestic dispute and sort out the facts later. I would just be heartbroken to think of my children away from me, especially the baby because he is so young.
I did tell my Stepmother what happened but not my father. I'm sure she'll tell him later. They know he drinks. He doesn't always get drunk but he likes his "beers".
Lorilynn I read your post in another forum along with some others who are having problems and I did and will continue to lift you up in prayer. Please keep us in your prayers too.
God Bless
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/24/2009 11:38:13 PM
|
|
|
Anon101
Posts: 188
Joined: 10/21/2009
Status: offline
|
quote:
She told me I don't know if you know this but the cops usually take the kids during a domestic dispute and sort out the facts later. I would just be heartbroken to think of my children away from me, especially the baby because he is so young.
I do not know why she would tell you that because that is simply not true.
In a domestic dispute the two who are fighting are separated until things are sorted out. If the person who called the cops does not file charges or the cops find charges are not warranted, the cops will ask if there is somewhere one of them can go for the night. Usually the person who called the cops is allowed to stay. They do this as a cooling off period. If one doesn't want to press charges, cops know that things will usually blow over if the two have time and space to cool off. They do not pull children out of homes unless Children's Services has been called due to harm, negligence, or other charges made by a complainant or if there is evidence of harm. Cops are there to keep the peace and they try especially hard to keep the children out of it. The children are the innocent victims. Pulling them out of their own homes would be emotionally harmful and difficult on them and make a bad situation worse. The cops usually instruct the mother or whoever is staying at home with the children to comfort them after a domestic dispute.
I know this because I had to call the cops on my husband. Plus my husband watches Cops the TV show constantly. Most of the cases are domestic dispute cases.
Don't even give that another thought. The cops are not going to take your children away and give them back later. They take statements on the spot and if charges are filed, the person will spend the night in jail and have to appear for sentencing at a later date. The defendant is not supposed to go back to the home during this time (sometimes they do if the wife lets them come back) but the kids stay in their home.
< Message edited by Lorilynn777 -- 10/24/2009 11:46:36 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/24/2009 11:43:07 PM
|
|
|
Anon101
Posts: 188
Joined: 10/21/2009
Status: offline
|
quote:
Lorilynn I read your post in another forum along with some others who are having problems and I did and will continue to lift you up in prayer. Please keep us in your prayers too.
God Bless
Thank you very much. I will continue to pray for you, too.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/25/2009 1:37:53 PM
|
|
|
thepcmom
Posts: 11
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline
|
I should have just let him go in the car and get his paycheck the other night. He can't find it anywhere and he's so mad. I was looking in the car yesterday AM for my camera and couldn't find it and the paycheck wasn't there either.
He obviously lost it before he even got home but of course he will find fault with me. I'm just so upset about this whole thing. We talked for a little bit today but it didn't go well. He's mad I let my daughter go to the football game Friday night. She hates him and not always nice to him. I do defend him but there were times in the past where I didn't.
I retorted back to him that he shouldn't be surprised. He gets mad and yells at her because she disrespects me but I told him so does he. NOt calling me to go to the bar is totally disrespectful. No wonder she disrespects me, everyone in the house does except the baby. We got home, started looking for the paycheck and now he can't find it.
Having a rough day - just feeling so stressed.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/25/2009 3:05:09 PM
|
|
|
3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 3595
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
About your daughter...
Seperate from your husband's issues, you should not tolerate disrespect from your daughter towards anyone, yourself included. He (being a despised stepdad, and being a drunkard) is not in a good position to discipline her anyway. That's *your* job. It doesn't matter what your husband does or if he disrespects you, you are to train your daughter rightly. Actually, your daughter may be taking her cues from you more than from your husband. If she watches you allow yourself to be trampled on, she has little outside motivation to do anything other than trample on you too, and if she has been hurt enough with her family being broken and this new guy being a drunk, she may have little inner motivation to do the right thing either.
In dealing with both of them, you need to strengthen your spine and start being a strong woman instead of a helpless and hopeless woman.
I think some people have difficulty with this because they see only two options: the raging bully (the "strong" one) or the weak and helpless victim. You can be strong and firm in a calm, respectful, loving, Christlike manner.
< Message edited by 3cappuccinosmom -- 10/25/2009 3:38:18 PM >
_____________________________
Moo
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/25/2009 4:39:08 PM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 1766
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
quote:
She told me I don't know if you know this but the cops usually take the kids during a domestic dispute and sort out the facts later. I would just be heartbroken to think of my children away from me, especially the baby because he is so young.
This would only be the case if both of you appeared to be enraged to the point of instability. If you are capable and in your right mind, nobody is going to take your kids. This woman has an agenda. I don't know what it is, but it's not for your good. Don't talk to her again.
quote:
I should have just let him go in the car and get his paycheck the other night. He can't find it anywhere and he's so mad. I was looking in the car yesterday AM for my camera and couldn't find it and the paycheck wasn't there either.
He obviously lost it before he even got home but of course he will find fault with me.
Yes, you probably should have, but none of us are wise when we are in a crisis. Don't beat yourself up over it... and don't let him find fault with you over it either. If it comes up again, calmly say a last word, like, "I have neither seen nor touched your paycheck. That's the truth. I don't mind if you choose not to believe me. I do mind if you think you can yell at me. You can't yell at me because I won't stay in the same room if you do. I may even go out until you cool off." Then don't let him drag you in. If he want's to talk about the check, talk coolly and say things like, "Boy, that sucks." or whatever seems sympathetic but distant. It's not your issue.
(If he's calm you could suggest that he call his work to get them to put a 'stop' on the check and issue him a new one. Being that the camera is missing too, I expect it was stolen when the car was parked somewhere. That could happen to anyone, and there are ways of dealing with it.)
quote:
He's mad I let my daughter go to the football game Friday night. She hates him and not always nice to him. I do defend him but there were times in the past where I didn't.
She is your daughter. Parenting her is primarily your call. If you are choosing that she has no consequence when she is disrespectful, that's not wise, but it's not for anybody else to be 'mad' about. I suggest you make some solid decisions about the difference between respecting him (mandatory) and being nice to him (optional). And then stick to your guns about it. Both your daughter and your husband will be better off for it. That's not about 'defending him' it's about a standard of behaviour that you expect out of your daughter towards any adult in authority in her life.
quote:
He gets mad and yells at her because she disrespects me
Take this out of his job disciption. It's not helping anyone, it undermines your authority and it's inappropriate coming from a step-parent. Teaching her to respect you is your job. Pop over and start a thread in the parenting forum here and we'll give you some good specifics for a plan to do this. However, make it clear to your husband that you will be taking your daughter out of any room that he is shouting in... and that you can fight your own battles with her.
Your primary issues are with his rage, and with his drunkenness -- both of which are sins against you and your children. You must stand firm against them and not allow yourself or your dependants to be subject to such behaviour. You can do that... not by having arguments or loosing your own temper, but by using your own hands and your own feet to take action according to a plan... usually by leaving the room or the house when his behaviour crosses the line. You can do this, and it is the right thing to do.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/26/2009 11:25:54 AM
|
|
|
thepcmom
Posts: 11
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline
|
Well, He is not blaming me for the paycheck. He admitted his faults yesterday. He admits he drinks too much at times. He doesn't always drink but when he does he drinks too much and he does like his beer. I used to be a drinker and that was my problem too, I didn't know when to stop.
We are going to go for some counseling together and I am going to call about that today. I am also going to set up counseling for separately too.
I will pop over into the parenting thread and discuss my daughter. She thrives on dissension in the house and it always feels like a war zone around here. She was happy Friday night when all this happened although she missed the actual scene. Her first question was did you two argue because of me.
Thank you everyone for prayers, I will by God's help get through this one way of the other. I realize Satan's agenda in trying to destroy the family and I can't be spineless but need to stand up and "fight". I think the counseling is a good first step. Please pray as God lays my family and I on your heart.
Thank you again for all the good advice and comfort.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Scared and angry and SAD - 10/26/2009 12:01:53 PM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 1766
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
While he's in a accepting frame of mind, this is an excellent opportunity to tell him your three new plans:
(1) The drunk plan: you will not welcome him into the home if you think he is drunk. You may even lock him out. If he does come in, you may demand he leave. If he will not, you may take the children and go.
(2) The rage plan: you will not stay in the room when he gets mad and yells. You will not allow your children to stay in the same room if he is mad or yelling at them. You will go to another room. If he follows you, you will leave the house.
(3) The parenting plan: you will be trying things to better relate to your daughter and manage her behaviour. You do not need him to step in. You consider his stepping in to be part of the problem, and if he does, you won't let it continue -- even if he's not yelling, you will still leave the room and make your daughter go with you.
If he has issues or ideas, he should talk to you calmly at a time where the kids can't overhear. You will not have these discussions in front of them. You will listen to his feelings and consider his advice as long as it is offered respectfully, but you will be making the plans and decisions regarding your daughter yourself. You will not accept personal criticism or blame, even if you are making mistakes.
(You will negotiate regarding your shared child, and you will defer to him regarding your step-daughter -- but if he wants to do things with her that you don't agree to, he will have to do them, not expect you to.)
--
The value of doing this now is that he might (grudgingly) say that it's reasonable -- and then when it's an in-the-moment thing, he will at least know what's going on, why you are doing it, and that he sort-of agreed at some point.
< Message edited by bolt. -- 10/26/2009 12:08:05 PM >
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
