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18 month old tantrums & screaming etc. - 10/25/2009 7:13:21 AM
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alaskajamaica
Posts: 4
Joined: 12/5/2007
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I am just wondering what are the best options for my 18 month old son to deter his tantrums.
We try distraction, We say no and sometimes we let him have his tantrum depending on what it is.
We know he is going to have them and it's a part of the learning process- maybe we are not moving fast enough with his needs, maybe he is just frustrated because he can't figure something out on his toy etc.
I just wanted some other tips from you all.
We say tons of praise for everything- tons of hugs and kisses, but you know sometimes those screams are just a bit much or sometimes he likes to wave his hands and slap his high chair for his tantrum.
What is the best way to soothe those screams?
What do you do for tantrums?
He is very very active and on the go.
He started the tantrums about a month ago. 5 days ago I gave birth to my daughter, so I know he did not start this as a result of her although during my pregnancy he may have figured out something is up.
TIA
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RE: 18 month old tantrums & screaming etc. - 10/25/2009 11:40:54 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 502
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
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A good friend and preschool director helped me when she saw my son have a tantrum. I told her he was going through the terrible 2's and she lovingly set me straight. Tantrums cease to work when they don't get the desired result. At 18 months, he is old enough to speak with. Tell him the next time he gets mad and loses control you will do whatever you have decided to do and then do it. That means you may have to leave stores and go home which is not fun. For my son we choose to put him in his room and he could come out when he spoke to us in a quiet, normal voice.
We also prayed and asked for wisdom.
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RE: 18 month old tantrums & screaming etc. - 10/25/2009 11:56:16 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 3587
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Our children learned very early that tantrums and screaming get them exactly nothing.
I do a couple of different things, depending on the kid, and the situation.
One thing I always do though is have them put their own hand over their mouth.
They may get to sit in a corner or on the stairs until they are done screaming.
For a little one having a physical tantrum, I will sit them on my lap and hold them firmly until they completely stop resisting me.
For older kids (about 2.5 years and up), it's a lot more simple. "Stop screaming, stand up, and look at me right now. If you do not, you will get a spanking". If they comply, we talk about why they're upset, and work through it. If they don't comply, they get spanked, and then we talk about why they're upset and work through it. 
_____________________________
 Moo
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: 18 month old tantrums & screaming etc. - 10/25/2009 12:19:29 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8214
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: alaskajamaica
sometimes we let him have his tantrum depending on what it is.
Are you saying here that sometimes you give in to his tantrum?
(If so, that's why he keeps having them)
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: 18 month old tantrums & screaming etc. - 10/25/2009 12:37:20 PM
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peculiar_lady2
Posts: 4347
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It's a normal part of growing up...every child goes through it, though some learn very quickly that it doesn't do any good, and some others go one for what seems forever until they figure that out.
What I do is this...
I say in a calm voice "I don't listen to whine, when you can talk to me I will gladly listen". Then if they will not remove themselves from the room or my face, I will remove them to their room to calm down. Sometimes I have to put them back in there over and over and over (and over and over). I do NOT agree with locking them in their rooms or shutting the door if they can not open it yet. I just keep putting them back and saying the same thing in a calm voice... "I don't listen to whine, when you can talk to me I will gladly listen". If I can't put them in their room because another child is in there, I will put them on the floor of the room I am in and leave them there if they continue...leaving the room if necessary.
We do not spank for it...we have not found that it works well. I also do not hold them down...someone told us to do that with our oldest, and because of us doing that it turned out worse and we found out the hard way it doesn't do any good. So I just physically move them to another room and leave them alone.
When I hear a break in the screaming, I ask if they are ready to talk yet. If they dry it up, I talk to them. If they start to scream again, I say "I guess not, let me know when you are ready to talk". Then I leave. When we are talking to them, sometimes they might start to get upset again, I just ask them if they want to talk and continue if they stop screaming. If they don't, we start all over again with removing them from the space and me saying "I don't listen to whine, when you can talk to me I will gladly listen".
_____________________________
Proud to be... 
"When God said 'brains', some thought He said 'trains' and got on the wrong track" -Maxine
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RE: 18 month old tantrums & screaming etc. - 10/25/2009 1:27:49 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8214
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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When my ds was a baby, we lived in a little old cottage (1759) which had a galley kitchen along the back, and the bathroom just off it. For ds's tantrums I'd pick him up the instant he started and take him into the bathroom and tell him he could make as much noise as he wanted while he was in there, but if he wanted to come out, he needed to stop.
If the crying abated, I'd call out "have you stopped yet?" and, if he said "yes", I'd say "would you like to come out?" and would go and get him. Sometimes, when I asked him if he'd like to come out, he'd say "no!" and start crying again, lol. So I just tried again the next time it abated.
By the time he was two and a half, if he started playing up, he'd look at me and say "I know, I go bathroom" and take himself there, yell, and then come out again with an "I dopped!"
I tended to regard his tantrums as "emotional overloads" more than anything else. I never gave in to them, but they would still crop up from time to time, often when he was hungry, tired or bored (or, interestingly enough, too mentally stimulated). He also often didn't respond well to suddenly having to change from doing one thing to doing another, so, wherever possible, I'd give him pre-warnings, so that he'd have time to get his head around the fact that, for example, it was time to go home, or time to get his shoes on, or whatever.
< Message edited by manda59 -- 10/25/2009 1:34:45 PM >
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
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RE: 18 month old tantrums & screaming etc. - 10/25/2009 2:32:44 PM
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crankius
Posts: 3755
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
I tended to regard his tantrums as "emotional overloads" more than anything else.
This is how I considered it too in my kiddos.
We would say, "Are you very mad?" (or sad, or whatever) and then say that if they needed to cry, they would have to go to their room until they were ready to come out. I wanted them to learn to identify strong feelings and understand that they are normal, and we all have to find civil ways of coping with strong feelings.
As they got older, they would go to their room on their own and have a good cry. When they were done we could hug and talk about it if they needed.
But definitely, an 18 month old will just cry because they are tired, irritated, annoyed, mad, sad, whatever...but our job as parents is to help them learn to have self control, little by little with age appropriate expectations.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
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wepanicinapew 
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RE: 18 month old tantrums & screaming etc. - 10/25/2009 9:11:36 PM
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alaskajamaica
Posts: 4
Joined: 12/5/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: peculiar_lady2
It's a normal part of growing up...every child goes through it, though some learn very quickly that it doesn't do any good, and some others go one for what seems forever until they figure that out.
What I do is this...
I say in a calm voice "I don't listen to whine, when you can talk to me I will gladly listen". Then if they will not remove themselves from the room or my face, I will remove them to their room to calm down. Sometimes I have to put them back in there over and over and over (and over and over). I do NOT agree with locking them in their rooms or shutting the door if they can not open it yet. I just keep putting them back and saying the same thing in a calm voice... "I don't listen to whine, when you can talk to me I will gladly listen". If I can't put them in their room because another child is in there, I will put them on the floor of the room I am in and leave them there if they continue...leaving the room if necessary.
We do not spank for it...we have not found that it works well. I also do not hold them down...someone told us to do that with our oldest, and because of us doing that it turned out worse and we found out the hard way it doesn't do any good. So I just physically move them to another room and leave them alone.
When I hear a break in the screaming, I ask if they are ready to talk yet. If they dry it up, I talk to them. If they start to scream again, I say "I guess not, let me know when you are ready to talk". Then I leave. When we are talking to them, sometimes they might start to get upset again, I just ask them if they want to talk and continue if they stop screaming. If they don't, we start all over again with removing them from the space and me saying "I don't listen to whine, when you can talk to me I will gladly listen".
I guess I should add that he can't talk yet. I know he understands words and motions etc., so for me to have a conversation with him and for him to tell me he is done whining at this point won't work, but I guess I can still mention the not screaming part and when you are finished screaming we can talk.......
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RE: 18 month old tantrums & screaming etc. - 10/25/2009 9:42:20 PM
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NotDoneYet
Posts: 210
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline
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I used to just ignore them. At home, I'd walk away, go into another room. If we were out and about, I'd pick up the child, put them in the car and drive away...usually turning up the radio loud enough to drown out the child's screams. Those two tactics worked pretty well...They quickly tired of having a temper fit with no audience. I don't remember any of them having a tantrum of any sort much past the age of 3.
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
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RE: 18 month old tantrums & screaming etc. - 10/26/2009 12:32:07 AM
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peculiar_lady2
Posts: 4347
Status: offline
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quote:
I guess I should add that he can't talk yet. I know he understands words and motions etc., so for me to have a conversation with him and for him to tell me he is done whining at this point won't work, but I guess I can still mention the not screaming part and when you are finished screaming we can talk.......
Out of five kids (so far) I have had kids that could talk in complex sentences by a year old, all the way to kids that didn't talk at all until after 3 years old. Just because they can't talk doesn't mean they don't understand. Many times we underestimate what kids do and do not understand when they can't talk yet. (btw, I have a 16mo that is doing the fit throwing thing right now as I type this...lol...how appropriate huh. I have other kids in bed, so I am just moving him away from me and saying I will talk to him when he stops whining). When I have kids that can't talk or communicate that they are ready to "talk" yet, I go by their reactions. For instance, my 16mo finally got that I wasn't going to let him whine just now. He came over to me, stopped the fit throwing, put his hand on me, and when I asked if he was done he put his hands up to me indicating he wanted to be picked up now. I still nurse, so now he is nursing as I type this...babies of 16mo will normally want a drink or to nurse after a fit...at least mine always do, but I nurse for a long time. Some may just want a hug or cuddle or to sit on your lap. That is their "reward" for stopping the fit though, so I go out of my way to make sure they get as much cuddling as they need at that time.
My last three are all total opposites (my first two were too, but they are 8 and 10 now, so I won't go back that many years...we had to learn a lot the hard way with them and a lot of things we did didn't work)...
My now 4yo (Emma) wouldn't really throw a fit- physically- she would just whine and cry ALL THE TIME. It was so annoying. That's when I really started insisting on them being put in another room. She tends to be very whiny and can't handle change at all, so it has taken a lot to get her over that. Most of the time now though, all I have to do is say I can't understand whine and she will dry it up. She was very different the her two little brothers though...they were/are much more physical with their fits.
My now 3yo (Jack) would go on for hours sometimes going back and forth between fit throwing then stopping for a minute, then back to fit throwing. It took literally HOURS sometimes (about 4-5 times a week) for him to stop going in that cycle over and over again. It felt horrible, but having had kids before, I knew that I had to do it and stick to it. Out of all of my five, he would hold out the longest. It was horrible some nights!!! Hubby would have to take over sometimes because I was pregnant and have carpel tunnel very bad when pregnant, and he would tend to be physical. I couldn't physically move him sometimes, and he was stronger then my grip was, so at those times hubby would take over. We were very strict with both of us sticking to the same techniques though. We didn't want him to think he was getting a better deal or getting away with it by hubby coming in. I think it was about a year that we had to deal with that with him...and it gradually went down to less and less often. Now the only time I have to deal with it is when he is overly tired and someone wakes him up. It is much better though and he knows that if he is going to climb onto my lap he can't whine/throw a fit.
My now 16mo is totally opposite. He throws a fit, but it doesn't last more then 5 minutes usually. He gets it much easier then Jack did...and BOY and I grateful!!!! It is much easier to deal with him because it isn't as long, and I am not pregnant. I have a feeling he will not be as bad as Jack and that he will get over this stage much earlier. He can be more physically pushy then Emma was, but definitely not as bad as Jack.
_____________________________
Proud to be...
"When God said 'brains', some thought He said 'trains' and got on the wrong track" -Maxine
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RE: 18 month old tantrums & screaming etc. - 10/26/2009 8:16:17 AM
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leftwing
Posts: 213
Joined: 5/25/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: alaskajamaica
I am just wondering what are the best options for my 18 month old son to deter his tantrums.
We try distraction, We say no and sometimes we let him have his tantrum depending on what it is.
We know he is going to have them and it's a part of the learning process- maybe we are not moving fast enough with his needs, maybe he is just frustrated because he can't figure something out on his toy etc.
I just wanted some other tips from you all.
We say tons of praise for everything- tons of hugs and kisses, but you know sometimes those screams are just a bit much or sometimes he likes to wave his hands and slap his high chair for his tantrum.
What is the best way to soothe those screams?
What do you do for tantrums?
He is very very active and on the go.
He started the tantrums about a month ago. 5 days ago I gave birth to my daughter, so I know he did not start this as a result of her although during my pregnancy he may have figured out something is up.
TIA
I can tell you what my mom did: She let me throw my tantrums and kick and scream, etc.. right up to the point when I started to butt my head against the wall. That's when I was about to do physical harm to myself and so,,, she exercised her maternal authority and spanked my behind good. That was the last of my 'fit throwing'.
I know it is poitically incorrect, quasi-illegal and all that junk, but in my opinion, kids these days just need a good old spanking once in a while. 
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RE: 18 month old tantrums & screaming etc. - 10/26/2009 1:55:34 PM
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W.O.F.
Posts: 1653
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: an ignoble beginning
Status: offline
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Your best bet.....don't try to sooth a tantrum. don't.
He isn't hurt...he's angry.
take him out of the high chair and put him where he cannot get hurt...and let him scream. It won't kill him...even if he bangs his head......or holds his breath. Most kids will not bang their head hard enough to hurt themselves..and if they accidently do hurt themselves...it usually stops THAT behaviour pretty quickly! If they hold their breath till they turn blue.....so what? I have had several pediatricians tell me that the worst thing that will happen is that the kid will pass out...and start breathing.
You can try to prevent tantrums.....make sure he is well rested (have consistant bed and nap times), make sure he is hydrated (keep water cups available to him), and make sure he gets several small snacks throughout the day...
don't take him out right before a meal time, or nap time.
But mostly....ignore the fit.....let him know when he calms down you can help him...but then let it be.
You said he doesn't talk yet...so...teach him some basic sign language....since he understands...part of his problem is the inability to communicate. Give him that tool...imagine if you were in world where you KNEW what was going on...and could not be a part of it? It won't slow down his learning speech..and in fact may speed it up a bit.
Don't try to soothe it. Soothing is for a sick or injured child.
< Message edited by W.O.F. -- 10/26/2009 2:02:37 PM >
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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