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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE?

 
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 7:41:29 AM   
herestoresmysoul

 

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dershuh

As someone who has committed adultery and repented I bellieve YOU MUST TELL. I agree with most of the contributors that you must find out what is your motivation to committ this terrible sin. There are two sides to each story, but your "repeat" offense is terrible. You need to get into counselling. As an aside, a couple of contributors don't seem very forgiving. On a Christian forum we should act in a Christian manner. Christ forgave the woman caught in adultery. However, Christ also said...and "sin no more"...You must truly repent and get help.


As christians we are told to forgive, but that doesnt mean that we have to stay in a marriage were one spouse cannot be faithful. Forgiving doesnt nessarily mean reconciliation.
yes if this man has truly repented then God has forgiven him,but as the Bible says we do reap what we sow,and if we sow adultery we frequently reap broken marriages and destroyed trust.

This mans poor wife will have to struggle with forgiving him (and it will be a BIG struggle, ) but that doesnt mean that she will stay with him.BOY do I feel for her right now.

Also the two sides thing, he did say that the marriage has been good(in fact he said great), so it seems that she hasnt dont anything to cause this.(not that anything excuses this anyway)That in itself is concerning. If he cannot be faithful when it is great what happens when they have a bad patch?

There are many cases of adultery where one has done this despite the marriage being fine. I know some like this in my own family.It isnt always becuase the one sinning is being treated badly or not being loved. Sometimes it is due to low morals or an inability to keep promises or resist temptation.Also maybe where no boundaries are kept with the opposite sex.

< Message edited by herestoresmysoul -- 10/28/2009 8:08:19 AM >
Post #: 26
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 7:50:23 AM   
herestoresmysoul

 

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quote:

ORIGINAL: minimoe59

As someone that has gone through it on the receiving side, I say don't tell. However, if you want to bring back all the hurt feelings, miss trust (warranted), sickness, fighting, and add to it a more counseling, and maybe divorce.. then by all means tell her.

I wish I never found out... It made my life living hell for a long time. I told my wife if she ever did it again not to tell me just because she feels guilty. I don't want her guilt to ruin my life again.


I guess we are all different. if my husband was unfaithful, I would definately want to be told. I would hate to think of being deceived for years and years. Also in a marriage where openness ands honesatly is vital we couldnt hide it from each other anyway. I cant see how anyone can hide such an appalling thing.
A marriage cant be a proper marriage with lies and deception and hiding things.
Post #: 27
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 8:01:40 AM   
herestoresmysoul

 

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chrisra

cheated on my wife about 2 years in to the marriage. I did tell her what I did because I felt she should know. I caused her so much pain that I thought she would be psysically sick.
Well, years have passed by and everything is great between us but I chave cheate again. I feel really bad for what I did and I have repented. I'm scared to tell my wife because I feel it will hurt her to the point of sickness. I know that I wont cheat again but I am wondering should I tell her what I did. I really beleive if she finds out, this can be the end of our marriage. Can anyone help me?


If you are both Christisns and both go to church then I would also suggest telling your pastor as well as your wife. Whether she decides to stay with you or not, she will need help and you really need to get serious with God about this.You need a man who will hold you accountable for future actions, whether you still have a marriage or not. You need a man who will seriously challenge you on this very serious behaviour.

< Message edited by herestoresmysoul -- 10/28/2009 8:10:29 AM >
Post #: 28
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 8:04:26 AM   
leftwing

 

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chrisra

cheated on my wife about 2 years in to the marriage. I did tell her what I did because I felt she should know. I caused her so much pain that I thought she would be psysically sick.
Well, years have passed by and everything is great between us but I chave cheate again. I feel really bad for what I did and I have repented. I'm scared to tell my wife because I feel it will hurt her to the point of sickness. I know that I wont cheat again but I am wondering should I tell her what I did. I really beleive if she finds out, this can be the end of our marriage. Can anyone help me?


OK.. now you've got me started. Before I begin let me say that I have vast personal experience with this issue and feel uniquely qualified to comment on this subject.

Cheating. It should be illegal. It is one of the most destructive acts of selfishness one can perpetrate on a 'loved' one.
And then comes the guilt. First the lust, then the guilt. Like two sides of the same coin.

The question is how do you cope with the guilt. We already know how you cope with the lust.

Since it is the method of a weak person to capitulate and succumb to pressure, either external or internal, a weak person will cheat. Oh yeah, they blame everything and everyone else for their actions, but weakness it is.

Confessing that you've cheated is a cruel act of weakness, again perpetrated on a 'loved' one.
It has no purpose except to console the cheater and purge his/her concience of the guilt.

There is the commandment "Thou shalt not commit adultery" for a reason. Adultery kills the soul (or heart, or spirit) of a marriage just as surely as a vile poison kills the body, and in similar fashion.

Do your wife a favor and leave, never to return. At the very least do not wimp out and confess to her your weakness.

Suffer in silence with your guilt. It is your crime. Take your medicine.

< Message edited by leftwing -- 10/28/2009 8:11:17 AM >
Post #: 29
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 8:11:01 AM   
northstar

 

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quote:

cheated on my wife about 2 years in to the marriage. I did tell her what I did because I felt she should know. I caused her so much pain that I thought she would be psysically sick. Well, years have passed by and everything is great between us but I chave cheate again. I feel really bad for what I did and I have repented. I'm scared to tell my wife because I feel it will hurt her to the point of sickness. I know that I wont cheat again but I am wondering should I tell her what I did. I really beleive if she finds out, this can be the end of our marriage. Can anyone help me?


And yet you did it again, knowing the pain it caused the first time around???

_____________________________

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Post #: 30
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 8:13:51 AM   
herestoresmysoul

 

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Leftwing, but the adultery has already killed the marriage, its just that she doesnt know about it yet. The covenant has been broken twice, and he had deflied himself with two other women, but his wife is having sex with him not even knowing this. Hiow can that be right? She needs to know and have that choice whether to stay with him or leave.

Both my husband and I have had ex spouses who committed serious sexual sin and I have three sisters in law who have done the same thing. I would far rather know, and my husband agrees. if he leaves and says nothing, that is going to be just as devastating as if he tells her.

Yes I totally agree that it is the worst betrayal that a spouse can do to anyther and that is why many cannot trust again or cant bring themsleves to have sex again with their spouse,and they end the marriage.That is why God allows divorce for this betrayal.
Post #: 31
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 8:19:58 AM   
keithyhuntington


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not to be nosy... but the OP is just missing too many juicey details... like... WHY?!?!?! HOW?!?! if the marriage is "great," why would you do it? and how did you even get yourself in a situation to where, "oops, i tripped and my pants accidently fell down, and i landed on some woman, who happened to have been naked." i mean... comeon!

< Message edited by keithyhuntington -- 10/28/2009 8:27:03 AM >


_____________________________

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Post #: 32
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 8:26:05 AM   
jhuperetes


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I think he is stuck between trying to resolve his guilt, not hurting his wife again, the fear of destroying his marriage, and attempting to repent.

There are serious character issues that must be corrected. I highly suggest that professional help.

But, shaming him is not going to help.
Post #: 33
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 8:53:42 AM   
TrustHim1964

 

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You probably need to take a few minutes and evaluate what you want in your relationship with Christ and with your wife. Hiding is never the answer for sin. I recently found out (he didn't tell me) about my husband's affair last year and it was devastating. My husband's relationship with Christ was severely crippled in hiding this relationship from Him and from me. Though we are going through extremely emotionally difficult time, he has been able to be truly free from the burden of sin he has carried for so long. No matter what happens to us (and I am gaining hope little by little), he is restored and reconciled to His savior and that is the most important thing for you. There is always grace for the humble.
Post #: 34
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 9:05:18 AM   
rachay2


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I think you should tell your wife. It is terrible that she should have to hear it again, but if you don't tell her you deny her the right to end the marriage. She forgave you once, maybe she can do it again.

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Post #: 35
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 12:19:48 PM   
michele_erin


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We have all posted some stuff here and no response yet from OP. It would be interesting to hear some answers to some of the questions so we can continue to point him in a better direction. I apologize if I came acrossed as unforgiving -- I've been on the receiving end of an affair and it is very painful. If a man or woman is so unhappy in the relationship, or if they can't control their urges and have to cheat, then leave the other person and don't put them in danger. The STDs out there these days can kill, cause cancer. It's nothing to play footsies with.

I think whether married or single we all need to think in advance of how we can protect the purity of our sexual selves -- what do other here on the forum do to protect against impurity outside of your marriage relationship, or if you are single to protect your purity in your relationship with the Lord?
Post #: 36
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 12:30:35 PM   
deermousie


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quote:

ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
the adultery has already killed the marriage, its just that she doesnt know about it yet. The covenant has been broken twice, and he had deflied himself with two other women, but his wife is having sex with him not even knowing this. Hiow can that be right? She needs to know and have that choice whether to stay with him or leave.


I absolutely agree. She needs to know her husband has a track record of not keeping it zipped, that she has potentially been exposed to disease(s), and needs to know what she has to make decisions about.

Even if neither of these women got pregnant to the OP, they can claim they did and cause no end of courtroom hassle and heartache for months if not years. That's a lot of lawyers fees and court costs, too.

Some STDs aren't curable, as far as I know.

The covenant has been broken. Again. She doesn't have to divorce the OP, but she can, and she may wish to be free to find a better father for her children while she's young enough to have some.

quote:

ORIGINAL: dershuh
As an aside, a couple of contributors don't seem very forgiving.


The only person who can forgive is the person who was sinned against. This guy isn't married to me or any of the posters on this thread (unless his wife was here).

In the Old Testament, God said to stone adulterers to death. In New Testament grace, they can repent or die in their sin, to be separated from God for all eternity (the second death). Chrisra, your repentance and changed life are critical to you - please don't take this lightly.

quote:

On a Christian forum we should act in a Christian manner.


We do.

God calls adultery sin, and so do we. It has terrible consequences.

We aren't called to be "nicer" than God. The OP has been given good advice.

quote:


Christ forgave the woman caught in adultery. However, Christ also said...and "sin no more"...You must truly repent and get help.


Right; He kept the townspeople from stoning her to death. Her change in behavior was the key, for it to not be repeated. Chrisra, please contact your pastor now - it's an emergency.

I am praying for Chrisra, his wife, and those two women. May God be glorified.

< Message edited by deermousie -- 10/28/2009 1:12:13 PM >


_____________________________

"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
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www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
Post #: 37
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 12:36:33 PM   
OneOfHisJewels


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I haven't read through all the posts, but of course you should tell her. It amazes me in a sad way how many people agree on these forums, that a husband should keep that sin a secret. We are to confess our sins to God, and to the person it directly affects. Keeping our sin secret is just another sin, and two wrongs don't make a right.

_____________________________

Wizard's rule #1 .People can be stupid and willfully deceived (that's from the book, not the show)..slightly edited for CW
Post #: 38
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 12:41:04 PM   
jhuperetes


Posts: 473
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michele_erin makes a good point, we need more details.

We are jumping to conclusions that the act of cheating was sexual in nature of the most intimate kind.

Although I also presumed that, there is nothing in the original post to indicate that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chrisra

cheated on my wife about 2 years in to the marriage. I did tell her what I did because I felt she should know. I caused her so much pain that I thought she would be psysically sick.
Well, years have passed by and everything is great between us but I chave cheate again. I feel really bad for what I did and I have repented. I'm scared to tell my wife because I feel it will hurt her to the point of sickness. I know that I wont cheat again but I am wondering should I tell her what I did. I really beleive if she finds out, this can be the end of our marriage. Can anyone help me?
Post #: 39
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 12:56:45 PM   
herestoresmysoul

 

Posts: 1470
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
quote:

ORIGINAL: jhuperetes

michele_erin makes a good point, we need more details.

We are jumping to conclusions that the act of cheating was sexual in nature of the most intimate kind.

Although I also presumed that, there is nothing in the original post to indicate that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chrisra

cheated on my wife about 2 years in to the marriage. I did tell her what I did because I felt she should know. I caused her so much pain that I thought she would be psysically sick.
Well, years have passed by and everything is great between us but I chave cheate again. I feel really bad for what I did and I have repented. I'm scared to tell my wife because I feel it will hurt her to the point of sickness. I know that I wont cheat again but I am wondering should I tell her what I did. I really beleive if she finds out, this can be the end of our marriage. Can anyone help me?


I somehow think that this man would have said if he hadnt actually cheated (as in committed adultery)with these women. I think we know what he meant by 'cheated' dont we?
Post #: 40
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 1:15:23 PM   
jhuperetes


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Again, we don't know.

Maybe he cheated by flirting in the office, or shared intimate emotional time, or kissed, or more...

We just don't know.
Post #: 41
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 1:17:25 PM   
michele_erin


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deermousie
quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
the adultery has already killed the marriage, its just that she doesnt know about it yet. The covenant has been broken twice, and he had deflied himself with two other women, but his wife is having sex with him not even knowing this. Hiow can that be right? She needs to know and have that choice whether to stay with him or leave.

I absolutely agree. She needs to know her husband has a track record of not keeping it zipped, that she has potentially been exposed to disease(s), and needs to know what she has to make decisions about.

Even if neither of these women got pregnant to the OP, they can claim they did and cause no end of courtroom hassle and heartache for months if not years. That's a lot of lawyers fees and court costs, too.

Some STDs aren't curable, as far as I know.

The covenant has been broken. Again. She doesn't have to divorce the OP, but she can, and she may wish to be free to find a better father for her children while she's young enough to have some.

quote:

ORIGINAL: dershuh
As an aside, a couple of contributors don't seem very forgiving.

The only person who can forgive is the person who was sinned against. This guy isn't married to me or any of the posters on this thread (unless his wife was here).

In the Old Testament, God said to stone adulterers to death. In New Testament grace, they can repent or die in their sin, to be separated from God for all eternity (the second death). Chrisra, your repentance and changed life are critical to you - please don't take this lightly.

quote:

On a Christian forum we should act in a Christian manner.

We do.

God calls adultery sin, and so do we. It has terrible consequences.

We aren't called to be "nicer" than God. The OP has been given good advice.

quote:


Christ forgave the woman caught in adultery. However, Christ also said...and "sin no more"...You must truly repent and get help.


Right; He kept the townspeople from stoning her to death. Her change in behavior was the key, for it to not be repeated. Chrisra, please contact your pastor now - it's an emergency.

I am praying for Chrisra, his wife, and those two women. May God be glorified.


Very well said! Thank you!
Post #: 42
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 1:24:35 PM   
herestoresmysoul

 

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jhuperetes

Again, we don't know.

Maybe he cheated by flirting in the office, or shared intimate emotional time, or kissed, or more...

We just don't know.


Flirting in the office is wrong but as far as I know it isnt actually committing adultery.Kissing is alos VERY worng but again I hardly think he would call that cheating and think that he may loose his wife over it.
Post #: 43
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 1:31:00 PM   
W.O.F.


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quote:

ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul

quote:

ORIGINAL: jhuperetes

Again, we don't know.

Maybe he cheated by flirting in the office, or shared intimate emotional time, or kissed, or more...

We just don't know.


Flirting in the office is wrong but as far as I know it isnt actually committing adultery.Kissing is alos VERY worng but again I hardly think he would call that cheating and think that he may loose his wife over it.

techinically...according to the NT...it is adultery...even looking lustfully at another woman besides your spouse is adultery (and for us women...looking at men that way is adultery).

He HAS to tell her. they cannot fix the issues within themselves and their marriage unless there is complete honesty. He is potentially putting her and any future children in danger by not telling her...he may have contracted syphilis, or gonorhea or who knows what else...many of which are transmittable to the unborn child of an infected woman....or can cause sterility if left untreated in a woman.

She HAS to know....if for no other reason than her physical health.

He needs to be careful when he confesses...that is it NOT to appease his own guilt but rather because he cannot stand that there is a divide between them and his own desire to sincerely repent to God and his wife.

He must also not use his concern for his wife's grief as the excuse to not tell her. I do not doubt he does not want to make her that sad...but he is also afraid of what he stands to lose..and with good reason.He may very well lose everything.....just because God forgives us, it does not mean that there are no consequences to our sins.

_____________________________

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Post #: 44
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 1:49:39 PM   
doinkdom


Posts: 5598
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From: The higher lowcountry
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quote:

ORIGINAL: keithyhuntington
not to be nosy... but the OP is just missing too many juicey details... like... WHY?!?!?! HOW?!?! if the marriage is "great," why would you do it? and how did you even get yourself in a situation to where, "oops, i tripped and my pants accidently fell down, and i landed on some woman, who happened to have been naked." i mean... comeon!


^^^This is what I think when someone says, "it just happened, we weren't planning it..."

seriously...whatever...

_____________________________

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare.
They are consumed in twelve minutes.
Half-times take twelve minutes.
This is not coincidence.
~Erma Bombeck
Post #: 45
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 1:52:19 PM   
jhuperetes


Posts: 473
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To second W.O.F.'s comment - in my Bible it is adultery.

quote:

ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul

quote:

ORIGINAL: jhuperetes

Again, we don't know.

Maybe he cheated by flirting in the office, or shared intimate emotional time, or kissed, or more...

We just don't know.


Flirting in the office is wrong but as far as I know it isnt actually committing adultery.Kissing is alos VERY worng but again I hardly think he would call that cheating and think that he may loose his wife over it.
Post #: 46
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 1:57:24 PM   
doinkdom


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Your wife will eventually know...one way or the other.

Quite frankly...trust God with your marriage, whatever the outcome. Trust that whatever comes from telling her - her leaving, counseling, tears, etc. etc. can and will be used by God to bring glory to Himself through you.

You can't just "wish" adultary away. You sinned against God and then you sinned against your wife. And waiting for time to pass is not the answer in this case.

Tell the truth straight up and be enough of a godly man to deal with whatever happens next. And IMO she definitely has biblical grounds for divorce, which she may choose...at first. But remember...Restoration is one of the sweetest and most precious aspects of the Gospel. And God will bear that burden with you.

Take heart...God knows your sin...He's waiting to see what you do with it.

_____________________________

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare.
They are consumed in twelve minutes.
Half-times take twelve minutes.
This is not coincidence.
~Erma Bombeck
Post #: 47
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 2:05:20 PM   
allisonbrett


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chrisra,

The situation you find yourself is a difficult one to be sure. I'm sorry you are faced with such a position. Doing what is right is often very difficult especially when you know that it will hurt someone you love.

I assume you have broken off the relationship and have ended all contact with this other woman? My suggestion is this: before you do or say anything to your wife (outside of repenting to God) see a Christian counselor alone. Before you can move forward you need to discover what exactly lead you to falling into temptation yet again. There must be some need this other woman met for you to allow yourself to get in this position yet again. You were adament in saying that you'd never do it again and I believe you mean that but there are times when such resolve lessens so please find an accountability partner. Work toward becoming the man God created you to be and the one worthy of yet another chance from your wife. Allow your counselor to help guide you in the ways and timing of telling your wife. Adultery is not always the end of a marriage and even sometimes it can be the re-creation of a better one. I wish you well.

_____________________________


Allison
A work in progress so please be patient, God is still working on me. Ouch, it sure is painful!
Post #: 48
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 2:18:39 PM   
michele_erin


Posts: 104
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quote:

herestomysoul: Flirting in the office is wrong but as far as I know it isnt actually committing adultery.Kissing is alos VERY worng but again I hardly think he would call that cheating and think that he may loose his wife over it.


herestomysoul: would you want your spouse doing the things you spoke of above? Would any of us? No! Flirting, kissing -- is just playing with fire. If you read your bible even a little bit, you can see that it is all over in there, by Jesus, by Paul, by James, and on and on : James says in James 1:15 "Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is fullgrown, gives birth to death." Flirting is desire being conceived, which gives birth to kissing (the birth of desire) and when kissing becomes full grown, whammo, you have adultery, which James refers to as birth and death! That's harsh.

God tells us in Ex 20:14 "You shall not commit adultery"; and Deut 5:18 "You shall not commit adultery"

Jesus tells us in Matt. 5:27-30 "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell."

Paul says in 1 Cor. 5: 12-13 "What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. Expel the wicked man from among you."

Paul says in 1 Cor. 6:13 "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food -- but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body." at verse 15-20 "Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ Himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said "The two will become one flesh. But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body."

If you want your marriage to remain pure, and want your marriage to survive, because from what I hear divorces among Christians is just as high as divorces among others -- 50% -- you have to protect your marriage at all costs because there are temptations all over out there.

If you can't control yourself in this area and have difficulty, get recovery -- get counseling -- do whatever it takes because if you don't you will continue to repeat the same pattern over and over again.

I know this is rough, but its truth and truth sometimes hurts. He asked. And to herestomysoul -- its very disappointing to hear that from someone who is supposed to be a Christian. I remember something in the bible about circumcision of our hearts -- Romans 2:29 "No, a man is a Jew if he is one inardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a man's praise is not from men, but from God."

So if others think I'm harsh, the Apostle Paul refers to our hearts being circumcised -- which if you think about it literally, that is painful. Making changes in our hearts and lives to be more like Christ are sometimes painful.

This family is in my prayers because they are headed for some difficult times
Post #: 49
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 2:24:52 PM   
W.O.F.


Posts: 1653
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: an ignoble beginning
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: michele_erin
.....
This family is in my prayers because they are headed for some difficult times

excellent post..and to the last sentence...amen amen...we all need to be in prayer for them.

_____________________________

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
Post #: 50
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