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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 2:31:22 PM
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TMeeks
Posts: 1532
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quote:
ORIGINAL: chrisra
cheated on my wife about 2 years in to the marriage. I did tell her what I did because I felt she should know. I caused her so much pain that I thought she would be psysically sick.
Well, years have passed by and everything is great between us but I chave cheate again. I feel really bad for what I did and I have repented. I'm scared to tell my wife because I feel it will hurt her to the point of sickness. I know that I wont cheat again but I am wondering should I tell her what I did. I really beleive if she finds out, this can be the end of our marriage. Can anyone help me?
Anyone can make a mistake once. But, your second CHOICE to have an affair has to be seen for what it is and what it says about you.
First, it says that you show a complete distain for the institution of marriage. You KNEW when you did it that it might mean the end of your marriage; but, you really didn't care. You had to have your jollies!
Secondly, it shows that you are clueless when it comes to boundaries and this is important information for you wife to know.
Thirdly, where was all this concern for your wife while you were involved in the affair.
Had you had one affair, I would say that you should NOT tell your wife. This second one is very different and says something about the character of the man she married that she NEEDS to know. And, YOU need to be put in a position where your marriage CANNOT go forward until you deal with the sickness that lies deep in your soul. There is a reason why you continue this sordid behaviour and you can be sure that it is NOT your wife's fault. You serious need help.
You will not get it by covering up your weakness.
_____________________________
http://focusonliberty.blogspot.com
Is "Left" vs. "Right" really accurate?- Check out the Liberty Dial!
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 2:36:12 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
Joined: 3/13/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: michele_erin
quote:
herestomysoul: Flirting in the office is wrong but as far as I know it isnt actually committing adultery.Kissing is alos VERY worng but again I hardly think he would call that cheating and think that he may loose his wife over it.
herestomysoul: would you want your spouse doing the things you spoke of above? Would any of us? No! Flirting, kissing -- is just playing with fire. If you read your bible even a little bit, you can see that it is all over in there, by Jesus, by Paul, by James, and on and on : James says in James 1:15 "Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is fullgrown, gives birth to death." Flirting is desire being conceived, which gives birth to kissing (the birth of desire) and when kissing becomes full grown, whammo, you have adultery, which James refers to as birth and death! That's harsh.
God tells us in Ex 20:14 "You shall not commit adultery"; and Deut 5:18 "You shall not commit adultery"
Jesus tells us in Matt. 5:27-30 "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell."
Paul says in 1 Cor. 5: 12-13 "What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. Expel the wicked man from among you."
Paul says in 1 Cor. 6:13 "Food for the stomach and the stomach for food -- but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body." at verse 15-20 "Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ Himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said "The two will become one flesh. But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body."
If you want your marriage to remain pure, and want your marriage to survive, because from what I hear divorces among Christians is just as high as divorces among others -- 50% -- you have to protect your marriage at all costs because there are temptations all over out there.
If you can't control yourself in this area and have difficulty, get recovery -- get counseling -- do whatever it takes because if you don't you will continue to repeat the same pattern over and over again.
I know this is rough, but its truth and truth sometimes hurts. He asked. And to herestomysoul -- its very disappointing to hear that from someone who is supposed to be a Christian. I remember something in the bible about circumcision of our hearts -- Romans 2:29 "No, a man is a Jew if he is one inardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a man's praise is not from men, but from God."
So if others think I'm harsh, the Apostle Paul refers to our hearts being circumcised -- which if you think about it literally, that is painful. Making changes in our hearts and lives to be more like Christ are sometimes painful.
This family is in my prayers because they are headed for some difficult times
of course I wouldnt, and that wasnt my point at all. I was merely saying that in that case its 99% likely that if he said he cheated, then has actually committed adultery in the fullest sense.I cant understand why anyone would think that his description of cheating would mean anything else but just that.......cheating
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 2:40:03 PM
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TMeeks
Posts: 1532
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quote:
ORIGINAL: dershuh
As someone who has committed adultery and repented I bellieve YOU MUST TELL. I agree with most of the contributors that you must find out what is your motivation to committ this terrible sin. There are two sides to each story, but your "repeat" offense is terrible. You need to get into counselling. As an aside, a couple of contributors don't seem very forgiving. On a Christian forum we should act in a Christian manner. Christ forgave the woman caught in adultery. However, Christ also said...and "sin no more"...You must truly repent and get help.
Forgiveness comes with repentance.
What I read was "Please give me permission to not tell my wife about my SECOND affair." And, that is NOT true repentence. That is self pity from a self-absorbed husband.
Forgiveness is NOT license.
As for help, he will most likely NOT get it unless he is forced to get it. He will just keep on 'failing' and justifying to himself why he was pushed to 'fail'.
_____________________________
http://focusonliberty.blogspot.com
Is "Left" vs. "Right" really accurate?- Check out the Liberty Dial!
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 2:43:12 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
Joined: 3/13/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: allisonbrett
chrisra,
The situation you find yourself is a difficult one to be sure. I'm sorry you are faced with such a position. Doing what is right is often very difficult especially when you know that it will hurt someone you love.
I assume you have broken off the relationship and have ended all contact with this other woman? My suggestion is this: before you do or say anything to your wife (outside of repenting to God) see a Christian counselor alone. Before you can move forward you need to discover what exactly lead you to falling into temptation yet again. There must be some need this other woman met for you to allow yourself to get in this position yet again. You were adament in saying that you'd never do it again and I believe you mean that but there are times when such resolve lessens so please find an accountability partner. Work toward becoming the man God created you to be and the one worthy of yet another chance from your wife. Allow your counselor to help guide you in the ways and timing of telling your wife. Adultery is not always the end of a marriage and even sometimes it can be the re-creation of a better one. I wish you well.
I cant always go along with this idea that every affair is becuase the spouse wasnt meeting a 'need' There are some peope who just cannot be faithful and would rather have sex with another whatever the reason.I think that maybe to tell this man that his wife may not have been meeting one of his needs, is taking away form the awfulness and sinfullness of what he did. It was HIS decision even though he said that his marriage was great.
I know many people who just want to have sex with others and who have no moral standards and who have no boundaries at all.This often has little to do woth their needs not being met. It is their choice to sin against God and their wives and their children if they have any (and I hope this man doesnt have kids for their sakes)
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 10:50:21 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 18172
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Here . . . but subject to change; stay tuned
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quote:
ORIGINAL: W.O.F.
quote:
ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
quote:
ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
Again, we don't know.
Maybe he cheated by flirting in the office, or shared intimate emotional time, or kissed, or more...
We just don't know.
Flirting in the office is wrong but as far as I know it isnt actually committing adultery.Kissing is alos VERY worng but again I hardly think he would call that cheating and think that he may loose his wife over it.
techinically...according to the NT...it is adultery...even looking lustfully at another woman besides your spouse is adultery (and for us women...looking at men that way is adultery). Most definitely.
As to the OP, I think you should tell her, and I'll quote W.O.F. again as to my reasoning:
quote:
ORIGINAL: W.O.F.
He HAS to tell her. they cannot fix the issues within themselves and their marriage unless there is complete honesty. He is potentially putting her and any future children in danger by not telling her...he may have contracted syphilis, or gonorhea or who knows what else...many of which are transmittable to the unborn child of an infected woman....or can cause sterility if left untreated in a woman.
She HAS to know....if for no other reason than her physical health.
He needs to be careful when he confesses...that is it NOT to appease his own guilt but rather because he cannot stand that there is a divide between them and his own desire to sincerely repent to God and his wife.
He must also not use his concern for his wife's grief as the excuse to not tell her. I do not doubt he does not want to make her that sad...but he is also afraid of what he stands to lose..and with good reason.He may very well lose everything.....just because God forgives us, it does not mean that there are no consequences to our sins.
Chrisra, pray for Our Lord's Wisdom and Guidance; pray for His Covering. He will be there for you if you ask Him. I imagine it's going to be quite hard for both you and your wife, but I encourage you to seek God. Trust and obey.
God's Blessings to you,
Sharon-Marie
_____________________________
❖ Let's Discuss the Advent Season ❖
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/28/2009 11:35:55 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 1818
Status: offline
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quote:
I feel really bad
chrisra,
Read Psalm 51. This psalm was written by a man who committed adultery. This psalm expresses what true repentance looks like, feels like, and does in response. A broken and contrite spirit God will not despise. Ask the Lord to take you to that place of brokenness. That is the only place where true healing can begin. And confess what you have done to your wife. I pray you are broken. LL
_____________________________
Liveloved
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/29/2009 6:23:40 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Lorilynn777
quote:
ORIGINAL: keithyhuntington
not to be nosy... but the OP is just missing too many juicey details... like... WHY?!?!?! HOW?!?! if the marriage is "great," why would you do it? and how did you even get yourself in a situation to where, "oops, i tripped and my pants accidently fell down, and i landed on some woman, who happened to have been naked." i mean... comeon! 
Oh my goodness, Keith. If you only knew how hard I'm laughing right now, you'd be laughing, too.
Sorry, but that was rich and so true. Coming from a man made it even richer.
I'm not trying to offend the original poster but there is so much truth in what Keith said. There is no way to accidently have sex with someone.
yes its strange how you often hear "well it just happened" .NO WRONG it does not just 'happen', ever.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/29/2009 2:01:41 PM
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allisonbrett
Posts: 839
Joined: 5/29/2008
From: A bit north of the Big Chicken
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quote:
ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
quote:
ORIGINAL: allisonbrett
chrisra,
The situation you find yourself is a difficult one to be sure. I'm sorry you are faced with such a position. Doing what is right is often very difficult especially when you know that it will hurt someone you love.
I assume you have broken off the relationship and have ended all contact with this other woman? My suggestion is this: before you do or say anything to your wife (outside of repenting to God) see a Christian counselor alone. Before you can move forward you need to discover what exactly lead you to falling into temptation yet again. There must be some need this other woman met for you to allow yourself to get in this position yet again. You were adament in saying that you'd never do it again and I believe you mean that but there are times when such resolve lessens so please find an accountability partner. Work toward becoming the man God created you to be and the one worthy of yet another chance from your wife. Allow your counselor to help guide you in the ways and timing of telling your wife. Adultery is not always the end of a marriage and even sometimes it can be the re-creation of a better one. I wish you well.
I cant always go along with this idea that every affair is becuase the spouse wasnt meeting a 'need' There are some peope who just cannot be faithful and would rather have sex with another whatever the reason.I think that maybe to tell this man that his wife may not have been meeting one of his needs, is taking away form the awfulness and sinfullness of what he did. It was HIS decision even though he said that his marriage was great.
I know many people who just want to have sex with others and who have no moral standards and who have no boundaries at all.This often has little to do woth their needs not being met. It is their choice to sin against God and their wives and their children if they have any (and I hope this man doesnt have kids for their sakes)
I never said his wife didn't meet a need, I merely said that this other woman met a need. Maybe it was excitement, only he knows. Whatever it was there was a payoff for his behavior. AND consequences as he is now realizing.
Every person CAN be faithful, some just choose not to be. Let us not assume this guy is a serial cheater and on the make at each turn. We do not know all the circumstances and should not compare him to other men who cheat on their wives.
I've noticed throughout this thread that many assumptions are being made about this guy and his moral code or lack thereof. Let's face it, we are all human and subject to making some of the same mistakes so let us encourage rather than condemn (as a few have done). Since we have little information let us not label him a slime ball because he admits to having 2 affairs in we don't know how many years. We also do not know of the duration of said affairs as that can speak volumes as well. The important thing here is that he needs to learn what it was that lead him down that road again and fix it once and for all if he is ever to completely mend his marriage. He needs to find forgiveness and repentence. I pray he has done both but it will be tougher for his wife. Whether he tells his wife now, later or never he will have to live with himself and face the consequences whatever happens. Let us pray for them!
_____________________________
Allison
A work in progress so please be patient, God is still working on me. Ouch, it sure is painful!
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/29/2009 2:36:07 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
Joined: 3/13/2009
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Allison. I have been praying for his poor wife and kids if they have any. I am sorry if I cannot be more sympathetic towards a man who has twice broken the marriage covenant, despite the devastation he caused the first time..I have seen first hand what pain this causes and the devastation it causes to the innocent spouse and children.
Adultery was once punishable by death that is how seriously God sees it. It isnt just "woops I've done it again" it is the worse thing that any spouse can do to another.
If she is able to stay with him then she is a saint, but if I were her, I would want some serious and very very strict boundaries set so that he is never alone with another women, and very very frequent accountability when he meets with another man in the church.
I hope that she is able to cope with this with Gods help
While I know that he has to tell her, I feel so awful for her and what she has to face when he does.
Sin that we choose to do has consequenses, always.it is a choice to have sex with another person apart from our spouse. He chose to do it again despite knowing what it may do to their marriage,and what it may do to his wife. Now he has to be a man and face the results.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/29/2009 4:53:01 PM
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TMeeks
Posts: 1532
Joined: 1/27/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: allisonbrett
Every person CAN be faithful, some just choose not to be. Let us not assume this guy is a serial cheater and on the make at each turn. We do not know all the circumstances and should not compare him to other men who cheat on their wives.
The fact is that he IS a serial cheater. He describes a sexual addiction. In the first place, the first affair took place just TWO years into the marriage. And, now, several years later he is at it again. Once is a mistake. Twice is SERIAL.
You will usually find me very sympathetic about people in these situations. But, if you will take a VERY close look at his original message, while it APPEARED to show concern for his wife, it was really all about him.
quote:
cheated on my wife about 2 years in to the marriage.
quote:
I did tell her what I did because I felt she should know.
quote:
I caused her so much pain that I thought she would be psysically sick. Well, years have passed by and everything is great between us but I chave cheate again.
Put those two underlined thoughts together and think about it a while. He KNEW the consequences for his wife and did it anyway. If everything was great between he and his wife, then the problem MUST be deep within HIS soul and he needs some serious help or this will be a pattern the rest of his life.
quote:
I feel really bad for what I did and I have repented. I'm scared to tell my wife because I feel it will hurt her to the point of sickness.
So what sickness drove him on. This, to me, indicates a sexual addiction.
quote:
I know that I wont cheat again but I am wondering should I tell her what I did. I really beleive if she finds out, this can be the end of our marriage.
quote:
Can anyone help me?
How? By telling the guy it's OK to serially cheat and NOT tell his wife?
< Message edited by TMeeks -- 10/29/2009 5:00:08 PM >
_____________________________
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/29/2009 5:19:26 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
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My ex sister in law had 4 affairs and I am sure that it was nothing to do with a sexual addiction.The trouble is we do tend to try to find reasons for things like this, but maybe its just plain old sin.If we start saying that everyone who has more than one affair is addicted to sex then we may be in trouble. Apparently, I have heard that most affairs arent actually about sex anyway..
I think the man or women who is addicted to sex may well be having a lot more illicit sex than that and may well be going to prostitues and wanting to sleep around all the time and maybe looking at porn etc.
This man was happliy married, so he was, I asume, having sex..
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/29/2009 5:26:22 PM
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jhuperetes
Posts: 472
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I think we need to stop stoning him, and psycho-analyze from a single post.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/29/2009 5:30:24 PM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
Joined: 3/13/2009
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No one is stoning him. If he has truly repented he is forgiven by God but the consequenses will be very bad. I am only thinking of the acute and terrible pain that his wife has to face (and I feel for her SO much). What he feels is NOTHING compared to what she will. I am praying for her everytime I think about it.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/29/2009 6:03:56 PM
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allisonbrett
Posts: 839
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From: A bit north of the Big Chicken
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I'm sorry but nothing the OP said even suggests a sexual addiction so to make assumptions that it is an issues seems extreme. Sexual addictions are a whole different animal. Also, to say he is a serial cheater when he has admitted to 2 affairs in x number of years doesn't seem like its some major pattern on his part. If the 2 affairs were 10, 15, or even 20 years apart it doesn't sound like much of a pattern. It also may depend upon how long each relationship lasted. Please understand I'm not trying to minimize his actions or the affect it will have on his wife I just feel that we should not read into the situation and make blind assumption based on just one post.
Just to clarify, I do know the full impact of how an affair feels. My ex-husband had an affair with a woman he worked with and abandoned me and my very young daughter for this woman. They are now married. He has since terminated his parental rights and is no longer in my dd's life. (my currently husband adopted her.) My father was a serial cheater and had MANY, MANY affairs on my mother from the time they were married only three months to the time he left her for his best friend's wife. To say that he had 15 - 20 affairs would not be an exaggeration. My father clearly is a serial cheater and not one regret. So please understand that I know how adultery can destroy families and relationships. Still, the counselor in me urges me to exercize compassion and look at the behavior and the individual in a different manner. For chrisra to address whatever it was that he allowed to lead him astray will be a way to prevent this behavior from reoccuring. A really good Christian therapist can help him discern what it was that went wrong and why he sought out or fell into temptation with another woman. Once he understands his motive and action will he truly be on his way to being the husband he needs to be.
There is no doubt in my mind that to truly heal his marriage he needs to confess his discretions to his wife if he truly wants earn forgiveness, trust and to re-create his marriage. He stated that his marriage was good yet he still cheated. Maybe it was excitement, boredom or merely a lack of control or boundaries on his part, he needs to address these things.
_____________________________
Allison
A work in progress so please be patient, God is still working on me. Ouch, it sure is painful!
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/29/2009 6:27:43 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2214
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: W.O.F.
quote:
ORIGINAL: michele_erin
.....
This family is in my prayers because they are headed for some difficult times
excellent post..and to the last sentence...amen amen...we all need to be in prayer for them.
Yes - God can bring great good from our incredible stupidity, and occasionally does.
One thing to remember: in the OT, when someone brought a sin offering to be burnt on the altar, they didn't say, "Oh, this is just for something, I really don't want to say..." They confessed their sin because different sins had different sacrifices. So the sacrifice revealed what it was for, naming the sin before the sacrifice was burned and the sin was forgiven. There was no other way to get right with God.
Now we confess to the people we sinned against, make it right if restitution is possible, and confess (say we sinned) and repent (turn around and go the other way; stop doing it) to God again. 1 John 1: 8,9 and others.
Adultery can't be forgiven unless it's forgiven both by the offended party on earth and the Offended Party in heaven, if I understand the theology on that. So he has to tell her to make it right. Then it's up to her to decide how to handle things.
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/29/2009 10:46:15 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 475
Joined: 6/9/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PinkCarnations
However, if he feels the need to emotionally hurt her in some way, then telling her may not be the best idea.
If telling her is the right thing to do (and I believe it is) then why would the motivation matter?
I've experienced this both ways--him telling me he cheated and that it was all my fault because I wasn't meeting his needs...and that didn't hurt any more or less than having his girl friend tell me (the next time).
The wife needs to know so that she can make a decision about whether or not she is willing to accept the fact that he will cheat on her...and so that she can be protected in the event of STDs.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 2:56:07 AM
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michele_erin
Posts: 103
Joined: 5/8/2006
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quote:
herestomysoul: of course I wouldnt, and that wasnt my point at all. I was merely saying that in that case its 99% likely that if he said he cheated, then has actually committed adultery in the fullest sense.I cant understand why anyone would think that his description of cheating would mean anything else but just that.......cheating
I just wanted to apologize for my misunderstanding -- please forgive! :-)
quote:
herestomysoul "Allison. I have been praying for his poor wife and kids if they have any. I am sorry if I cannot be more sympathetic towards a man who has twice broken the marriage covenant, despite the devastation he caused the first time..I have seen first hand what pain this causes and the devastation it causes to the innocent spouse and children.
Adultery was once punishable by death that is how seriously God sees it. It isnt just "woops I've done it again" it is the worse thing that any spouse can do to another.
If she is able to stay with him then she is a saint, but if I were her, I would want some serious and very very strict boundaries set so that he is never alone with another women, and very very frequent accountability when he meets with another man in the church.
I hope that she is able to cope with this with Gods help
While I know that he has to tell her, I feel so awful for her and what she has to face when he does.
Sin that we choose to do has consequenses, always.it is a choice to have sex with another person apart from our spouse. He chose to do it again despite knowing what it may do to their marriage,and what it may do to his wife. Now he has to be a man and face the results.
had to say "AMEN" to that post!
It's interesting that the OP has not posted back. Do you think he got scared off by all of us? Or do you think someone posted this to just get us talking about a subject? Just curious what happened to him? hmm
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 3:54:25 AM
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keithyhuntington
Posts: 814
Joined: 7/7/2009
From: Tulsa, Okla.
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quote:
It's interesting that the OP has not posted back. Do you think he got scared off by all of us? Or do you think someone posted this to just get us talking about a subject? Just curious what happened to him? hmm
Maybe he took our advice and told her, and now he's homeless =( hope not though, but I would be if it was me...
< Message edited by keithyhuntington -- 10/30/2009 8:00:00 AM >
_____________________________
Jesus Christ please help me 'cause i'm lonely. Whats the use in living, if you can't make a good living?
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 5:03:13 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
Joined: 3/13/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: michele_erin
quote:
herestomysoul: of course I wouldnt, and that wasnt my point at all. I was merely saying that in that case its 99% likely that if he said he cheated, then has actually committed adultery in the fullest sense.I cant understand why anyone would think that his description of cheating would mean anything else but just that.......cheating
I just wanted to apologize for my misunderstanding -- please forgive! :-)
quote:
herestomysoul "Allison. I have been praying for his poor wife and kids if they have any. I am sorry if I cannot be more sympathetic towards a man who has twice broken the marriage covenant, despite the devastation he caused the first time..I have seen first hand what pain this causes and the devastation it causes to the innocent spouse and children.
Adultery was once punishable by death that is how seriously God sees it. It isnt just "woops I've done it again" it is the worse thing that any spouse can do to another.
If she is able to stay with him then she is a saint, but if I were her, I would want some serious and very very strict boundaries set so that he is never alone with another women, and very very frequent accountability when he meets with another man in the church.
I hope that she is able to cope with this with Gods help
While I know that he has to tell her, I feel so awful for her and what she has to face when he does.
Sin that we choose to do has consequenses, always.it is a choice to have sex with another person apart from our spouse. He chose to do it again despite knowing what it may do to their marriage,and what it may do to his wife. Now he has to be a man and face the results.
had to say "AMEN" to that post!
It's interesting that the OP has not posted back. Do you think he got scared off by all of us? Or do you think someone posted this to just get us talking about a subject? Just curious what happened to him? hmm
Thanks Michele
It is possible that he camne here hoping to hear what he wanted to hear (and that is that he doesnt have to tell her) However as most of us said that he needs to tell her maybe he has gone away. Who knows?
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 7:38:30 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 18172
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Y'all, please remember that Chrisra may still be reading this thread. He's not required in any way to respond back (I've started threads where I've not responded back; life got busy, etc.). To that end, I am quoting this post:quote:
ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
I think he is stuck between trying to resolve his guilt, not hurting his wife again, the fear of destroying his marriage, and attempting to repent.
There are serious character issues that must be corrected. I highly suggest that professional help.
But, shaming him is not going to help.
Is it really edifying to him for people in this thread to be speculating about him or telling flippant jokes about what happened? I personally think that not only is it not edifying that it is also extremely damaging.
None of us know whether or not "he heard what he didn't want to hear". In fact, it's not even been 3 full days since Chrisra posted the OP. He may be digesting the information, he may be praying, he may be working . . . he may be doing any number of things; it's really none of our business and certainly isn't our place to gossip and negatively speculate about why he hasn't posted a response yet.
As to the off-handed comment that so many people think is funny, it's not; not in this thread where someone has come to ask for guidance. If any of y'all went to someone to discuss a serious situation in your life, how many of y'all would want the response to be that your situation was made into a crude joke for anyone around to hear and laugh at? Essentially, what has happened is that the OP has now been made a laughing stock, and I don't see how that it at all helpful.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Chrisra, what you have done is wrong. You know it is wrong. And my thoughts above are not defending your actions.
But, it takes courage for you to have come here and open yourself up to ridicule. I also sense that you truly do want to change this aspect of your life.
You will be in my prayers today. I sincerely hope you do tell your wife what has happened; not out of an attempt to relieve any guilt you may be feeling and not out of any motives based around you; but because telling her is the right thing to do; on spiritual, emotional and physical levels.
She has a right to know and she needs to know, because the adultery affects her life (it is affecting her life even now, even if she still doesn't know it). Adultery creates a chasm between a man and a wife; it changes all the dynamics of a couple's relationship regardless of whether or not both people in the marriage know.
I also encourage you to get some counseling. While I don't agree that 2 affairs automatically means you have a sexual addiction, something serious is definitely going on with you that needs to brought out in the open so you can then address it, give it to Our Lord and ask for His Wisdom, His Guidance, His Healing in this matter (complete restorative and transforming Healing).
As I said the other day, you and your wife have a hard road ahead. The marriage, itself, may survive; and then again, it may not. Regardless of what might happen though, I encourage you to rely on Our Lord completely and soley. He is the only One who is going to be able to get you and your wife through this. If she were here in this thread, I would encourage her also to rely on Our Lord.
I am praying for Our Lord's Covering in this situation.
.
< Message edited by WhiteRoseBlessings -- 10/30/2009 7:49:46 AM >
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 8:22:49 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1466
Joined: 3/13/2009
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Whiteroseblessings. Why is it that whenever anyone committs a serious sin they need counselling?. I think they need to obey God, be faithful no matter what and stop acting in such a selfish and destructive way. Does Paul tell us to go to counselling? No he says dont committ adultery. This man obviously can be faithful,(as he was for some years), but he chose not to with two different women. HIS choice. No one who does this is helpless to resist. The Bible tells us that.
This is what causes divorces. Apparently 60% of married men have affairs and 40% of married women. Hopefully that number is somewhat less for born again Christians. No wonder there are so many divorces.
I cant see that counselling is going to help at all. He needs to get right with God and make sure that it never happens again.
He needs strict accountability after he has told his pastor,and to make sure that he NEVER spends ANY time alone with another woman. This is not impossible. If he met these 2 women at work then he needs to put strict boundaries in place so he never gets alone with any woman at work. Boundaries are very important.
The book called " Hedges" by Jerry B Jenkins is written for men and is about this very thing, and that is protecting your marriage by setting boundaries. Fro example the author will never travel anywhere in a car with one other women.Wise man indeed.Maybe this book will be useful to this man.
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 8:58:42 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 18172
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From: Here . . . but subject to change; stay tuned
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Please quote the entire specific post where I said whenever anyone commits a serious sin that they need counseling. I neither said that nor did I imply that.
In fact, I think anyone would be hard-pressed to show where counseling is what I usually suggest to someone here in any of these threads.
In my previous post here in this thread, I was speaking specifically to Chrisra and specifically to his situation; it was not a blanket-statement.
Also, quite often, one of the first things people will suggest is that someone talks to their pastor. Is not speaking to a pastor for human help and guidance a form of counseling? (You'll also notice that in my previous post I didn't specify what type of counseling).
Incidentally, why read a book to help someone learn from a situation? Afterall, you're absolutely correct; Paul didn't tell us to go to counseling. Neither did he tell us to read a book (other than the Bible).
To downplay counseling is as ineffective as downplaying reading a book. Neither are necessary across the board, for every person and in every instance. However, either one (or both) can be very helpful.
People need help sometimes. Sometimes "stop sinning" will involve other's people's help; whether that be from counseling or from reading a book or any other type of human involvement. Nowhere in the Bible does it tell us that we can't utilize these things.
I pray for Our Lord's Wisdom and Guidance in every aspect of my life; sometimes part of His Wisdom and Guidance for me involves His strengthening me to do or not do whatever it is I'm supposed to be obedient to. It's strictly between Him and me; with no other human involvement. Other times, however, He will choose to send people my way to edify me, to encourage me and, yes, to even help me along the way.
That's exactly what counseling (or reading a book) is . . . help along the way.
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