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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE?

 
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 9:51:35 AM   
keithyhuntington


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quote:

As to the off-handed comment that so many people think is funny, it's not; not in this thread where someone has come to ask for guidance. If any of y'all went to someone to discuss a serious situation in your life, how many of y'all would want the response to be that your situation was made into a crude joke for anyone around to hear and laugh at?


in my defense i wasnt trying to be funny... i was being serious. i just can't wrap my brain around how nonchelant the OP was about his affair. tone speaks volumes, but when i read it... the tone i got was "well... it happened again... my bad" no. staring at a womans butt happens, my bad... but an affair takes lots of planning, though, process, weighing prios and cons, setting up appointments, making sure lies and fall backs are in place.

as for getting/giving advice... no offence to you, but this world is not all cotton candy and purple unicorns and dancing teletubbies. theres SERIOUS problems, and people really royally screwing up their lives. holding a guys hand and saying 'there there' may not be teh most effective way of counsil. sometimes we need a good swift kick in the pants. i've been there.

quote:

Is it really edifying to him for people in this thread to be speculating about him or telling flippant jokes about what happened? I personally think that not only is it not edifying that it is also extremely damaging.


just because you don't agree with some of our advice tactics, doesnt mean you have to judge us and say we are "damaging". not all situations call for "edifying" words. if you want to hold this guys hand, more power to ya... but just because someone is more harsh, dont discount it. that's also a very effective way to help someone. watch dr. phil and i think what OP did was also damaging. more damaging in fact than any responce i have read here. hard times call for hard words. but thats just me.

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Post #: 76
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 9:57:58 AM   
Anon101


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quote:

ORIGINAL: keithyhuntington

quote:

It's interesting that the OP has not posted back. Do you think he got scared off by all of us? Or do you think someone posted this to just get us talking about a subject? Just curious what happened to him? hmm


Maybe he took our advice and told her, and now he's homeless =( hope not though, but I would be if it was me...


I doubt that he is homeless. I'm sure the person he had the affair with would take him in if all else failed unless she is married, too.
Post #: 77
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 10:03:39 AM   
rachay2


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I will be surprised if he does come back. I'm surprised he posted this topic to begin with. It is evident he needs help, I hope he finds it. We all have our weaknesses and this is apparantly his. To put it on the board for everyone to see took some courage. I hope his need for help superceeds his embarrasment over the sin, so he will do what is necessary to make sure that he overcomes this. And I hope he tells his wife!

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Post #: 78
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 10:08:13 AM   
browneyes222

 

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quote:

Should I Tell My WIfe?


Yes!
Post #: 79
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 10:15:28 AM   
WhiteRoseBlessings


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quote:

ORIGINAL: keithyhuntington

just because you don't agree with some of our advice tactics, doesnt mean you have to judge us and say we are "damaging". not all situations call for "edifying" words.
I was neither juding y'all, nor did I say y'all were damaging; I was referring to the actions; those are what were damaging; there's a big difference.

As for edifying (which means to instruct; especially morally or scripturally), yes, we certainly are to edify one another; it's Scriptural.

Edification does not involve sarcastic slams though. And choosing to not be sarcastic towards someone is not "hand-holding."


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Post #: 80
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 10:17:50 AM   
WhiteRoseBlessings


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quote:

ORIGINAL: rachay2

I will be surprised if he does come back. I'm surprised he posted this topic to begin with. It is evident he needs help, I hope he finds it. We all have our weaknesses and this is apparantly his. To put it on the board for everyone to see took some courage. I hope his need for help superceeds his embarrasment over the sin, so he will do what is necessary to make sure that he overcomes this. And I hope he tells his wife!
^^^ This!

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Post #: 81
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 10:34:18 AM   
doinkdom


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If the poster indeed told the whole story...cause we call know there's always more to it, but trusting we have all the info we need...

The OP is truly without excuse. And he knows it from what he posted. He is now fearful of how the truth will be walked out and I think we can all understand that. He doesn't want to destroy his marriage...

God's word states in 2 Corinthians 10:9 As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us.

10 For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.


I pray his confessing is part of godly repentence and not because he's fearful he'll get (or got) caught in sin.

I also believe that his marriage can be restored and I also believe that he needs help in doing that. Help in the form of other godly men surrounding him with love, reproof, accountability, etc. And while the "counseling" word might seem a fix-it-all...I would use the word "disciple" him on how to love his wife (as Christ loved the church) and what that will look like in his marriage. (and of course the same could be said for his wife...we just don't know.)

And it could be considered courageous to post here...but the flip side could be he got to vent anonymously and now his conscious has been salved. Not saying this is true...but the internet is full of these kinds of situations.

Anyways...a long post even longer I would pray for his marriage and for his true repentence before God that he may walk out his forgiveness in his life.

_____________________________

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Half-times take twelve minutes.
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Post #: 82
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 11:48:57 AM   
WhiteRoseBlessings


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quote:

ORIGINAL: doinkdom

I also believe that his marriage can be restored and I also believe that he needs help in doing that. Help in the form of other godly men surrounding him with love, reproof, accountability, etc. And while the "counseling" word might seem a fix-it-all...I would use the word "disciple" him on how to love his wife (as Christ loved the church) and what that will look like in his marriage. (and of course the same could be said for his wife...we just don't know.)
You're right; discipling is a much better choice (not only of words), but also of applicable action.





quote:

ORIGINAL: doinkdom

I pray his confessing is part of godly repentence and not because he's fearful he'll get (or got) caught in sin.

I would pray for his marriage and for his true repentence before God that he may walk out his forgiveness in his life.
Most definitely; these are my prayers for him, as well.

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Post #: 83
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 12:38:59 PM   
jhuperetes


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Dear herestoresmysoul, I suggested counseling, including professional help.

Professional help is specially useful when we are acting on emotions instead of our mind.

Accountability implies a counsel. Someone more mature, and clear headed who can ... counsel ... him.

Some people cannot just read a book and grasp the essence.

Some of us can't "just do it". Even the best of us had someone teach us how "to get right with God". Some do not understand what that means!

Some need the support of others. Tangible, forward-looking help.

quote:

ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul

Whiteroseblessings. Why is it that whenever anyone committs a serious sin they need counselling?. I think they need to obey God, be faithful no matter what and stop acting in such a selfish and destructive way. Does Paul tell us to go to counselling? No he says dont committ adultery. This man obviously can be faithful,(as he was for some years), but he chose not to with two different women. HIS choice. No one who does this is helpless to resist. The Bible tells us that.
This is what causes divorces. Apparently 60% of married men have affairs and 40% of married women. Hopefully that number is somewhat less for born again Christians. No wonder there are so many divorces.

I cant see that counselling is going to help at all. He needs to get right with God and make sure that it never happens again.
He needs strict accountability after he has told his pastor,and to make sure that he NEVER spends ANY time alone with another woman. This is not impossible. If he met these 2 women at work then he needs to put strict boundaries in place so he never gets alone with any woman at work. Boundaries are very important.

The book called " Hedges" by Jerry B Jenkins is written for men and is about this very thing, and that is protecting your marriage by setting boundaries. Fro example the author will never travel anywhere in a car with one other women.Wise man indeed.Maybe this book will be useful to this man.


< Message edited by jhuperetes -- 10/30/2009 12:45:12 PM >
Post #: 84
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 1:10:01 PM   
Tinkerbell_


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If I knew you, I could kiss you!!!! I soooo wish people would read what you said and understand it.

YES, G-d is THE answer to things, but sometimes we need help understanding the answer and YES, prayer is going to help but sometimes we need to know how to process, how to rethink, how to change thought processes.

That is a LEARNED skill. I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to strangle Christians for shaming people for seeking counseling and just saying, "Pray about it."

G-d IS the answer and the Bible IS uncontestable, but if it answered EVERYTHING we would have no need for medical facitilies, schools, or libraries. The Bible would have all the answers.

"Mum! I need help with my geometry homework!" "Just read your Bible, son; the answers are in there!"

quote:

ORIGINAL: jhuperetes

Dear herestoresmysoul, I suggested counseling, including professional help.

Professional help is specially useful when we are acting on emotions instead of our mind.

Accountability implies a counsel. Someone more mature, and clear headed who can ... counsel ... him.

Some people cannot just read a book and grasp the essence.

Some of us can't "just do it". Even the best of us had someone teach us how "to get right with God". Some do not understand what that means!

Some need the support of others. Tangible, forward-looking help.


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When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
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Post #: 85
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 1:25:54 PM   
herestoresmysoul

 

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Isnt there such a thing as just plain old sin that we choose to do despite knowing that it may well destroy our family? Even before I became a Christian I knew that cheating was a big no no.
People can and do things that they know full well are totally wrong and will have massive repurcussions.
people sometimes need to be told that they are playing with fire and thay they will get burned as will those they claim to love.
I love my husband far too much to ever hurt him in this way.I am not special or strong, I just put him first and dont want to destroy my family or disobey God.His first wife cheated and has never apologised as yet and that was 4 years ago.
We all have free will to cheat or not. Some choose not to and some do it anyway. We reap what we sow.This man chose to do this despite the repurcussions.His family will suffer massively, as he is now.
Post #: 86
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 1:59:41 PM   
jhuperetes


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You are absolutely right. I think most sins are "just plain old" sins. "We choose to do, despite knowing that it" is sin. Destroying the family is temporal, worse - we anger, and sadden our Father.

Yet, despite knowing it full well they are sin, we all continue doing it. Some do "bigger" some do "lesser" sins. In His eyes they are all sins.

I know, because I sin, fully knowing it is sin.

quote:

ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul

Isnt there such a thing as just plain old sin that we choose to do despite knowing that it may well destroy our family? Even before I became a Christian I knew that cheating was a big no no.
People can and do things that they know full well are totally wrong and will have massive repurcussions.
people sometimes need to be told that they are playing with fire and thay they will get burned as will those they claim to love.
I love my husband far too much to ever hurt him in this way.I am not special or strong, I just put him first and dont want to destroy my family or disobey God.His first wife cheated and has never apologised as yet and that was 4 years ago.
We all have free will to cheat or not. Some choose not to and some do it anyway. We reap what we sow.This man chose to do this despite the repurcussions.His family will suffer massively, as he is now.
Post #: 87
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 2:01:52 PM   
WhiteRoseBlessings


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quote:

ORIGINAL: jhuperetes

You are absolutely right. I think most sins are "just plain old" sins. "We choose to do, despite knowing that it" is sin. Destroying the family is temporal, worse - we anger, and sadden our Father.

Yet, despite knowing it full well they are sin, we all continue doing it. Some do "bigger" some do "lesser" sins. In His eyes they are all sins.

I know, because I sin, fully knowing it is sin.
Excellent post.

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Post #: 88
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 2:22:56 PM   
doinkdom


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quote:

ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
I know, because I sin, fully knowing it is sin.


Yep...I am the queen of rationalize and justify.

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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare.
They are consumed in twelve minutes.
Half-times take twelve minutes.
This is not coincidence.
~Erma Bombeck
Post #: 89
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/30/2009 2:26:08 PM   
WhiteRoseBlessings


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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/31/2009 6:38:50 AM   
herestoresmysoul

 

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jhuperetes

You are absolutely right. I think most sins are "just plain old" sins. "We choose to do, despite knowing that it" is sin. Destroying the family is temporal, worse - we anger, and sadden our Father.

Yet, despite knowing it full well they are sin, we all continue doing it. Some do "bigger" some do "lesser" sins. In His eyes they are all sins.

I know, because I sin, fully knowing it is sin.

quote:

ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul

Isnt there such a thing as just plain old sin that we choose to do despite knowing that it may well destroy our family? Even before I became a Christian I knew that cheating was a big no no.
People can and do things that they know full well are totally wrong and will have massive repurcussions.
people sometimes need to be told that they are playing with fire and thay they will get burned as will those they claim to love.
I love my husband far too much to ever hurt him in this way.I am not special or strong, I just put him first and dont want to destroy my family or disobey God.His first wife cheated and has never apologised as yet and that was 4 years ago.
We all have free will to cheat or not. Some choose not to and some do it anyway. We reap what we sow.This man chose to do this despite the repurcussions.His family will suffer massively, as he is now.


yes and I sin also, many times. However some sins are geater in the 'effect' that the sin has. ie adultery may well destroy a family, spouse, a marriage and children wheras if I say a rude word that is wrong but it doesnt actually destroy anyone I love. Would we rather our spouse said a rude word or cheated on us? God allows divorce for adultery becuase He knows how very serious it is.

I pray that this lady will make the right decision after prayer and waiting on God. The last thing she needs is for her to have to face this for a third time. Only God knows if he will do it again.If she asks Him , He will make it clear to her I am sure. (That is if she wants to stay with him)

< Message edited by herestoresmysoul -- 10/31/2009 6:50:12 AM >
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RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/31/2009 8:12:15 AM   
leftwing

 

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quote:

ORIGINAL: keithyhuntington
..."oops, i tripped and my pants accidently fell down, and i landed on some woman, who happened to have been naked." i mean... comeon!


that happened to me once!!!
Post #: 92
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/31/2009 7:16:50 PM   
jhuperetes


Posts: 472
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herestoresmysoul, what do you think is the right decision? It is on the tip of your tongue, but you are too polite to say it.


quote:

ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul

yes and I sin also, many times. However some sins are geater in the 'effect' that the sin has. ie adultery may well destroy a family, spouse, a marriage and children wheras if I say a rude word that is wrong but it doesnt actually destroy anyone I love. Would we rather our spouse said a rude word or cheated on us? God allows divorce for adultery becuase He knows how very serious it is.

I pray that this lady will make the right decision after prayer and waiting on God. The last thing she needs is for her to have to face this for a third time. Only God knows if he will do it again.If she asks Him , He will make it clear to her I am sure. (That is if she wants to stay with him)
Post #: 93
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/31/2009 8:15:19 PM   
herestoresmysoul

 

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jhuperetes

herestoresmysoul, what do you think is the right decision? It is on the tip of your tongue, but you are too polite to say it.


quote:

ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul

yes and I sin also, many times. However some sins are geater in the 'effect' that the sin has. ie adultery may well destroy a family, spouse, a marriage and children wheras if I say a rude word that is wrong but it doesnt actually destroy anyone I love. Would we rather our spouse said a rude word or cheated on us? God allows divorce for adultery becuase He knows how very serious it is.

I pray that this lady will make the right decision after prayer and waiting on God. The last thing she needs is for her to have to face this for a third time. Only God knows if he will do it again.If she asks Him , He will make it clear to her I am sure. (That is if she wants to stay with him)



The decision I would make would not be the decision that another person will make and that is why each person needs to make their own decisions after praying and asking God. Only God knows what will happen in the future and that is why we need to ask Him to guide us.
Some people cannot trust again after being betrayed and some can. Some people cannot stay in a marriage where their spouse has cheated and some can. I know people who have done both, and neither one is any more or less godly than the other. I also know people who have had their spouse back only for them to cheat again. Every situation is different, so she will need to decide for herself what she can and cannot bear, and whether she will end this marriage or try to begin to build up trust again.Either way she will need Gods help BIG time.
I hope and pray that whatever she decides with be the best thing for her and her children if she has any.
Post #: 94
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 10/31/2009 11:53:37 PM   
TMeeks


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quote:

ORIGINAL: keithyhuntington

quote:

As to the off-handed comment that so many people think is funny, it's not; not in this thread where someone has come to ask for guidance. If any of y'all went to someone to discuss a serious situation in your life, how many of y'all would want the response to be that your situation was made into a crude joke for anyone around to hear and laugh at?


in my defense i wasnt trying to be funny... i was being serious. i just can't wrap my brain around how nonchelant the OP was about his affair. tone speaks volumes, but when i read it... the tone i got was "well... it happened again... my bad" no. staring at a womans butt happens, my bad... but an affair takes lots of planning, though, process, weighing prios and cons, setting up appointments, making sure lies and fall backs are in place.

as for getting/giving advice... no offence to you, but this world is not all cotton candy and purple unicorns and dancing teletubbies. theres SERIOUS problems, and people really royally screwing up their lives. holding a guys hand and saying 'there there' may not be teh most effective way of counsil. sometimes we need a good swift kick in the pants. i've been there.

quote:

Is it really edifying to him for people in this thread to be speculating about him or telling flippant jokes about what happened? I personally think that not only is it not edifying that it is also extremely damaging.


just because you don't agree with some of our advice tactics, doesnt mean you have to judge us and say we are "damaging". not all situations call for "edifying" words. if you want to hold this guys hand, more power to ya... but just because someone is more harsh, dont discount it. that's also a very effective way to help someone. watch dr. phil and i think what OP did was also damaging. more damaging in fact than any responce i have read here. hard times call for hard words. but thats just me.

Agreed. Affairs take planning and sneakiness.

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Post #: 95
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 11/1/2009 12:09:41 AM   
TMeeks


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quote:

ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul

My ex sister in law had 4 affairs and I am sure that it was nothing to do with a sexual addiction.The trouble is we do tend to try to find reasons for things like this, but maybe its just plain old sin.If we start saying that everyone who has more than one affair is addicted to sex then we may be in trouble. Apparently, I have heard that most affairs arent actually about sex anyway..
I think the man or women who is addicted to sex may well be having a lot more illicit sex than that and may well be going to prostitues and wanting to sleep around all the time and maybe looking at porn etc.
This man was happliy married, so he was, I asume, having sex..

The first question to ask is whether or not a person who has had more than one affair claims to be a Christian. If they do there are some very serious issues to examine.

First, every single person that is a true child of God has the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. This means that each affair drags the Holy Spirit right into the middle of it. Thus, grieving the Holy Spirit in a terrible way. A believer CANNOT have an affair without involving the Holy Spirit's presence in that affair. Think about that for a moment.

Secondly, God is VERY clear when it comes to adultary. Under the Law, the adulterer was to be stoned. God felt so strongly against adultery that he made it a capital offense. So, I'm guessing that even though we no longer have that hanging over us, even a FIRST offense is serious to God.

So, what are we to think of God's attitude toward a SECOND or THIRD offense. As I said, I am ready to conceded that anyone can fail once if the right strings are pulled. But, that once, for a believer, should be a wakeup call to a whole new reality in their life that leads to their NEVER failing in that area of their life again... if they FULLY understand God's fierce anger toward it.

A second offense clearly demonstrates that the adulterer repudiates the very concept of the sanctity of marriage. It's no longer a 'mistake' or a 'weakness'. That was OK for the first time. But, it doesn't wash the second time. They have had to turn their backs on God's Word, God's Will as revealed in the Scripture and God's Lordship over their life in order to step into an affair a second time. It's a serious step... not a trivial one.

_____________________________

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Post #: 96
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 11/1/2009 1:04:24 AM   
jhuperetes


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Are you serious?
Post #: 97
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 11/1/2009 8:27:40 AM   
TMeeks


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quote:

ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
Are you serious?


Quite serious.

The very concept of sin is that it is rebellion against God and the very NATURE of God.

In addition, we forget that the woman taken in adultery was NOT a Christian and NOT indwelt by the Spirit of God at the time that Jesus spoke to her. She was in the natural state of mankind and so were all of her accusers. My comments are not addressed to or about people still in the natural sinful state of man.

They are addressed to and about people who claim to know the living Christ and, thus, are bound in union with the Holy Spirit in a very special way.

Somehow, we want the benefits of being Christians and accepting the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in our lives without thinking for one minute the impact and importance of that indwelling union. Your question, "Are you serious?" shows just how far we have drifted into thinking that Christians are simply different in belief, not substance.

We are different in SUBSTANCE as well as belief if our faith is real.

I Corinthians 3:16-17
16 Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? 17 If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are.


And, that difference in substance EXPANDS the ramifications of sexual sin BEYOND a simple 'sin'.

I Corinthians 6:15
Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.

I Corinthians 6:15
What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.


So, the real question for the OP is, "Do you claim to be a believer?"

If we are going to be 'couselors' we need to make sure that we understand the truth of the Scriptures or we lack balance in our counsel. If, in the church, we started to explore the FULL implications of being the Temple of God... including the RESTRICTIONS it imposes on the impunity of planned sin... as exemplified by a second affair... then the church would be a lot less likely to be as plagued by unfaithfulness among its members.

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Post #: 98
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 11/1/2009 8:33:59 AM   
TMeeks


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But, there is a unique aspect of sexual sins, for the believer, that is quite different from any other. And, that is the 'One Flesh' aspect of the sexual union as Paul points out in I Corinthians.

quote:

ORIGINAL: jhuperetes

You are absolutely right. I think most sins are "just plain old" sins. "We choose to do, despite knowing that it" is sin. Destroying the family is temporal, worse - we anger, and sadden our Father.

Yet, despite knowing it full well they are sin, we all continue doing it. Some do "bigger" some do "lesser" sins. In His eyes they are all sins.

I know, because I sin, fully knowing it is sin.

quote:

ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul

Isnt there such a thing as just plain old sin that we choose to do despite knowing that it may well destroy our family? Even before I became a Christian I knew that cheating was a big no no.
People can and do things that they know full well are totally wrong and will have massive repurcussions.
people sometimes need to be told that they are playing with fire and thay they will get burned as will those they claim to love.
I love my husband far too much to ever hurt him in this way.I am not special or strong, I just put him first and dont want to destroy my family or disobey God.His first wife cheated and has never apologised as yet and that was 4 years ago.
We all have free will to cheat or not. Some choose not to and some do it anyway. We reap what we sow.This man chose to do this despite the repurcussions.His family will suffer massively, as he is now.



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Post #: 99
RE: SHOULD I TELL MY WIFE? - 11/1/2009 8:55:16 AM   
herestoresmysoul

 

Posts: 1465
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Tmeeks
You are absolutely right in that when we sin in this way, The Holy Spirit is party to it as He is in us. Also if we watch porn for example,He is in us so is seeing what we see.If we committ adultery he is there with us. it grieves Him deeply.
The sexual sins are ones that we are told are sinning against our own bodies as well as against others such as our spouse and the other person who we are having sex with.
The other day my husband was watching a space film that had no sex, no violence but a few words that were blasphemous (so common these days) After he had finished watching it God clearly said to him "I didnt enjoy that film" That bought it home to me that God is there no matter what we are doing or seeing and I can only wonder what He must feel when we have sex with a person who isnt our spouse. Therefore is it a gross sin aganst God as well as our spouse.
However it can be forgiven after true repentance (and repantance means doing all that we can not to do the same thing again)
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