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Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/3/2009 4:33:16 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 53
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: online
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This is going to be long so please bear with me. And pretty in detail, because I want to know if there is any hope. Which I believe there is, but she doesn't.
I didn't believe in God, for 19 years of my life. Then I met my wife, and she tried to bring me to the lord. But I let the demons fight me, and didn't go to church. Till we moved to her hometown, and started to going to the church that her friend was working on becoming the pastor for. I went, and opened my heart up to Jesus Christ. And He has helped me in so many ways.
Here comes the story lol:
I met my wife a few years back. And she was homeless, and pregnant at the time. And I offered to take her in,and make her life better than what it was at the time. I was also living with my mom at the time. Just got back from basic training, and was working on getting my first place. The pregnancy had a lot of complications. And the baby was born premature, and was really small, and didn't weigh more than a coke can. We lost the little girl later that day. It tore my wife up, and it tore me up, because I was there during several months of the pregnancy.
We later went on and moved and I started to work at a prison. The money status was not bad, we had plenty of money, but things started to get worse. This was before we were married. The prison affected me pretty bad, and I often came home in really bad moods, and didn't spend enough time with my wife. One argument, I physically put my hands on her. And it kills me knowing that I did that.
She stuck with me, and we continued to get into arguments. I wouldn't put my hands on her, because I learned from my first mistake. And nor will I ever do that again. And she would say I looked at her like I hated her. And that hurt her, and it hurts me, that my anger was that bad.
We got married on May 17th, 2008. And she got pregnant on our honeymoon, and things were pretty good while she was pregnant. And then things started to go down hill after the baby was born. She left me, and threatened divorce, and I joined a dating site. Which I know now was completely foolish of me. And I would never do that again.
Porn was another big issue in our relationship. It was a habit, that I aquired as a high school Junior. And it kept getting worse and worse. And slowly, I let it drain our marriage away. I didn't spend enough time with her, and it just drained everything away.
In March 2009, I found out I would be going to Iraq in July 2009 with a different unit other than my home station. And I was told on such short notice. Everything was fairly good from that time before I got to Iraq in Late Sept. 2009.
We were going to try to get me out of going to Iraq, due to emotional issues that I was suffering from, but I elected not to, because I wanted to provide for my family. And neither of us had a good paying job, and I knew the deployment would be a good paying job, but the high risk, of I might not return.
One day, when I called her from Iraq, and I got the feeling like she didn't love me, or care about me. So I wanted to talk about my feelings, and I just said, maybe we should get a divorce. And she naturally agreed. I didn't expect her to agree if she loved me. But come to find out there was more to it.
I waited a few days, and told her, I didn't want a divorce. I wanted to fix our marriage, and do things right. I told her, I was seeking the great Lord above, and he was hopefully going to change my ways, and help our marriage.
However, this when the things she said started to hurt me the most. She told me "One night, after a argument shortly after we got married, she went and drank with my brother, and they had sex, and that Candice (our little girl) might not be mine." She told me shortly there after that it was a lie, and she would tell me the truth.
Well, I asked for the truth, and she said she loved another man. She said she has been loving him for the last 10 years, and will love him forever. So I told her, I would forgive her for it, and was hoping she would want to fix our marriage. I told her to be with him, and to have fun with him, and she said she would not have sex with her "cousin." This is when things started to get worse.
She got raped, by someone that raped her when she was 14 years old. She told me, she wanted out, and wanted to get out of the apartment, and go out into country. Well, naturally, trying to be the husband that I should have been before, I said well when I get back, we will move out into the country with the money we had saved up. And she said, she doesn't want to move with me, because the flame is out, and that she has no desire for the marriage anymore.
A few days later, she showed up on webcam at my Aunts house, and she smiled, and it made me the happiest man in the world on that day. But shortly after, she would start ignoring me, and not wanting to fix things.
She told me yesterday, if I wanted to fight, I could stick my head up her butt and fight for air. She said she was sorry, but just venting because "I was running up her cell phone bill" I told her I'm sorry, I just want to talk to my wife, and see if she will agree to fix things.
She told me "I cant tell you something i do not know.love has never been my choice it is just something that happenes" And that she doesn't understand the whole us thing anymore."
I don't know what to do. I truly want to fix things with my wife. Its been over a month, since I last heard her say she loved me. And she has threatened to get the divorce papers several times but hasn't done it yet.
I just need advice on what to do now. I've prayed, and hoped, and it just seems like she is praying for the exact different things that I'm praying for.
Should I not talk to her for a few days? Should I Just give up hope? I need some unbiased opinions on this.
Soldier who needs help.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/3/2009 4:35:13 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 53
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: online
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And she says I'm too controlling, even though I have never actually made her do something she didn't want to do.
She has changed some too, and has hid somethings from me, like the fact, she likes to go hunting, and fishing, and everything like that. I didn't know that till a few days ago.
I just need advice thanks guys.
God Bless.
Mark
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/3/2009 10:16:06 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 8020
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
Status: offline
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Much of what she's said may have been out of the desire to hurt you, and I'm sure it has. But I have no idea why you would tell her to be with some guy who she says she has been secretly in love with for 10 years?
This is my advice - Be consistent! Love doesn't "just happen", it is a choice and it requires work. You can't do the work for her, but you can do the work for yourself. Do not let her think it is okay to be in love with another, let her know you'll do all you can to make your marriage work but she also has to commit to it.
Are you in Iraq currently?
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/3/2009 11:18:13 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2214
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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(((Mark))) (Those are hugs - don't worry, because I'm old enough to be your grandmother)
I'm so sorry, Mark, that you find yourself in this position. All this hurt and drama, and here you are in a war zone to boot. My heart aches for you, and I'm heartily hoping God is going to bless you. He wants to.
You were given a poor start to life and so was she. God made the universe to run on moral rails like a train, and your upbringing didn't teach you how it worked. I'll see if I can give you a quick fill-in, and it can help you understand what is happening a little and how to handle it.
God says that parents are to raise their children in the reverential awe and teaching of the Lord, but you can grab a Bible and start in now, like I had to as an adult. Get one you understand (I recommend the New King James or New International Version) and start with the New Testament in Matthew. You can get a Bible study book to help, or just read; it's going to change your life for good.  I'll give you references so you can look it up (people might be wrong; God is never wrong). And find a chaplain where you are; they can be invaluable help!
Sex is only for inside marriage, and to have sex outside of marriage runs the train off the track (derail -> trainwreck). Your wife was raped, and that wasn't her fault and it hurt her bad. She needs healing that God can bring (usually God works through teaching in the Bible and through other Christians who help).
If she has sex with anyone but you, she is going to be in hot water with God, and she'll have to confess it (say it was sin, not hitting God's bull'seye of morals but missing the target), repent it (turn away and stop doing it) and then she is forgiven. When Jesus hung on the cross in agony, her sin was one of the things He gladly died to pay for. I'm glad you're not cheating on her, because for a husband to have sex with anyone but his wife would put him in hot water with God, too.
Porn is sex in your mind with someone besides your wife, and I think you already understand that it messes people up and hurts them. Jesus said it's adultery to lust after a woman (not your wife). Matt. 5:28 Confess it, repent it, it's gone and you and God are in a good relationship again. See 1 John 1:8,9
Living together before marriage is called fornication, and that gets people into hot water with God, too, because they aren't married. Again, confess and repent, and things with God are cool again. 1 Thessalonians 4:3
The person who confesses, repents, and then goes and does it again and again isn't really repenting and needs to deal with whatever it is. The chaplain can help.
It's good to understand what salvation is about. In a nutshell, people were created perfect but Adam and Eve blew it and condemned all of us to be born spiritually dead (unable to communicate with God and wanting to sin and hate God). God loved us and wanted us back in good relationship with Him, so He bacame a man and died for our sin in our place. Then we get to have His righteousness in His place - the Great Switch. So we get made alive spiritually (born again) and can want and love God. We do sin but can confess and repent it and the blood Jesus shed on the cross forgives it. As a Christian grows up, they deal more and more with their sin (keeping it confessed and trying not to sin) and their lives change to slowly become more like Jesus. Rom. 8:29 Awesome!
God condemns violence - you did it once and were horrified that you did. That's God working in you! If you never confessed that as sin, just do so now: tell God you know it was sin, and please forgive it and thanks that it is forgiven. You've already repented. It's done and gone!
The nature of love is that it's not feeling but commitment and looks out for the benefit of the loved one. Your wife is not keeping her commitment to you, and she's in the wrong for that. You can't make her commit if she doesn't want to (she did when you got married but she's waffled on it) but God can work on her, so pray that He will. He can but He might let her hit bottom first. Or He might let her go. She's walked away from her faith and God is dealing with her. Pray like crazy and give Him time; sometimes God takes years to deal with people (He did with me; long story). Trust Him to work things out perfectly in the end, no matter what the middle mess is like. He's God and He does good work. Even if we can't see what He's doing. He makes things work for those who love and obey Him. Romans 8:28
Your wife doesn't understand life and is running on flimsy feelings instead of keeping her marriage vows and trusting God for life. She's derailing and making a trainwreck - pray like crazy that God will turn her back to Him and get it right again.
God hates divorce, so it's not good to suggest it. If she insists on a divorce then that's her getting into trouble with God, but don't you suggest it. If she's cheating on you and gets a divorce then you are free in God's eyes and can marry again with God's blessing. But try whatever you can to get this marriage to work and pray she'll get it together; that would be best. People can really mess up and then get back with God and He can give them a better marriage than it was in the beginning. That's what I'm praying for you.
See if you can get James Dobson's book, "Love Must Be Tough." It was written for people whose mates want to end the marriage, and it can really help you. I bet your chaplain has a copy or can get one.
Your wife's dishonesty: God said in the Ten Commandments to not bear false witness, which is lying. Lying derails the train. Not telling you she likes to hunt is odd, but her faithlessness to God and you (believing in God and protecting her marriage with you) are biggies.
I hope this helps. Talk to your chaplain, because he's seen everything and probably can be a big help to you. I'm praying for you today: read your Bible evert day, believe God, and become a warrior in the spiritual world, even as you are in the physical world in Iraq. Thank you for being part of the wonderful things God is doing in Iraq - you are a hero! God bless you, protect you, protect your marriage and make it wonderful, raise your wife up to be a godly woman of God, and make your life one of things you can rejoice in. (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/3/2009 11:32:23 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 53
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: online
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@stamper Ben - Yes I am currently deployed to Iraq. I will be here untill July of 2010. So I got a long time to go. And I will be coming home on leave in Dec. I just hope, my wife has opened back up to me, so that way I can get some long lost love.
@deermouise - I appreciate the Hugs. I've suggested that my wife should read her bible. I just hope she listens to me. She says she knows there is a God. So I don't think she would actually have sex with that guy. I honestly want to believe her on that subject. Thanks for the advice. And thanks for the prayers.
She thinks that love is just a feeling, that comes and goes. If someone can give me the verse that says along the lines, that Love is a choice, then it would be appreciated, I could point it out to her.
She talked to me some today. I told her my family is the most important thing in my life. And she said that was a dissappointment. I asked her, if there were times that she just wishes I would give up. And she said sometimes. So I think there is still a chance. I would prefer to fix my marriage. We haven't been too great to each other. Which I'm currently new to the Lord. I was a "demon child" if you want to call me that. I didn't believe in a heaven or hell for the longest time. Then I met her, and we moved and started going to church together, and I started to see the light. And I haven't let up, and I will never lose my belief in the Lord. I trust him with my life, and I hope he does fix my marriage.
God Bless
Mark
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/3/2009 1:08:30 PM
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mark_2006
Posts: 53
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: online
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She told me, not long ago, that she knows there is a God.
So I just gave her some advice, to read her bible, and to join this website. I told her, it could help her in many ways. And I told her to pray.
I don't know, if she will listen to me or not. She also, told me that I'm just out to get her. Not to help our marriage, but I'm out to hurt her again.
I'm in a bad spot, and its been over a month, since I heard her say she loves me. But I'm trying to keep my hopes up. God is there, and I hope he will help her, like he has helped me.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/3/2009 1:21:04 PM
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ptz
Posts: 21
Joined: 5/24/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mark_2006
This is going to be long so please bear with me. And pretty in detail, because I want to know if there is any hope. Which I believe there is, but she doesn't.
I didn't believe in God, for 19 years of my life. Then I met my wife, and she tried to bring me to the lord. But I let the demons fight me, and didn't go to church. Till we moved to her hometown, and started to going to the church that her friend was working on becoming the pastor for. I went, and opened my heart up to Jesus Christ. And He has helped me in so many ways.
Here comes the story lol:
I met my wife a few years back. And she was homeless, and pregnant at the time. And I offered to take her in,and make her life better than what it was at the time. I was also living with my mom at the time. Just got back from basic training, and was working on getting my first place. The pregnancy had a lot of complications. And the baby was born premature, and was really small, and didn't weigh more than a coke can. We lost the little girl later that day. It tore my wife up, and it tore me up, because I was there during several months of the pregnancy.
We later went on and moved and I started to work at a prison. The money status was not bad, we had plenty of money, but things started to get worse. This was before we were married. The prison affected me pretty bad, and I often came home in really bad moods, and didn't spend enough time with my wife. One argument, I physically put my hands on her. And it kills me knowing that I did that.
She stuck with me, and we continued to get into arguments. I wouldn't put my hands on her, because I learned from my first mistake. And nor will I ever do that again. And she would say I looked at her like I hated her. And that hurt her, and it hurts me, that my anger was that bad.
We got married on May 17th, 2008. And she got pregnant on our honeymoon, and things were pretty good while she was pregnant. And then things started to go down hill after the baby was born. She left me, and threatened divorce, and I joined a dating site. Which I know now was completely foolish of me. And I would never do that again.
Porn was another big issue in our relationship. It was a habit, that I aquired as a high school Junior. And it kept getting worse and worse. And slowly, I let it drain our marriage away. I didn't spend enough time with her, and it just drained everything away.
In March 2009, I found out I would be going to Iraq in July 2009 with a different unit other than my home station. And I was told on such short notice. Everything was fairly good from that time before I got to Iraq in Late Sept. 2009.
We were going to try to get me out of going to Iraq, due to emotional issues that I was suffering from, but I elected not to, because I wanted to provide for my family. And neither of us had a good paying job, and I knew the deployment would be a good paying job, but the high risk, of I might not return.
One day, when I called her from Iraq, and I got the feeling like she didn't love me, or care about me. So I wanted to talk about my feelings, and I just said, maybe we should get a divorce. And she naturally agreed. I didn't expect her to agree if she loved me. But come to find out there was more to it.
I waited a few days, and told her, I didn't want a divorce. I wanted to fix our marriage, and do things right. I told her, I was seeking the great Lord above, and he was hopefully going to change my ways, and help our marriage.
However, this when the things she said started to hurt me the most. She told me "One night, after a argument shortly after we got married, she went and drank with my brother, and they had sex, and that Candice (our little girl) might not be mine." She told me shortly there after that it was a lie, and she would tell me the truth.
Well, I asked for the truth, and she said she loved another man. She said she has been loving him for the last 10 years, and will love him forever. So I told her, I would forgive her for it, and was hoping she would want to fix our marriage. I told her to be with him, and to have fun with him, and she said she would not have sex with her "cousin." This is when things started to get worse.
She got raped, by someone that raped her when she was 14 years old. She told me, she wanted out, and wanted to get out of the apartment, and go out into country. Well, naturally, trying to be the husband that I should have been before, I said well when I get back, we will move out into the country with the money we had saved up. And she said, she doesn't want to move with me, because the flame is out, and that she has no desire for the marriage anymore.
A few days later, she showed up on webcam at my Aunts house, and she smiled, and it made me the happiest man in the world on that day. But shortly after, she would start ignoring me, and not wanting to fix things.
She told me yesterday, if I wanted to fight, I could stick my head up her butt and fight for air. She said she was sorry, but just venting because "I was running up her cell phone bill" I told her I'm sorry, I just want to talk to my wife, and see if she will agree to fix things.
She told me "I cant tell you something i do not know.love has never been my choice it is just something that happenes" And that she doesn't understand the whole us thing anymore."
I don't know what to do. I truly want to fix things with my wife. Its been over a month, since I last heard her say she loved me. And she has threatened to get the divorce papers several times but hasn't done it yet.
I just need advice on what to do now. I've prayed, and hoped, and it just seems like she is praying for the exact different things that I'm praying for.
Should I not talk to her for a few days? Should I Just give up hope? I need some unbiased opinions on this.
Soldier who needs help.
I would like to say that I am sorry for all of the hardships that you are going through right now. It sounds like there are alot of difficult things that you are going through. I am glad to hear that you have given your life to Christ, cause he can restore and fix ANYTHING. I think that part of the difficulty is probably coming from being deployed. Just the fact of being that far away and not seeing eachother everything really can put a strain on things. My husband is currently deployed over seas as well. It is one of those things where even NOTHING can be wrong, but sometimes, we are just 'more on edge' because we miss our spouses, have to deal with things apart (i.e take care of children, run the house, work, etc), all while we are apart. Having to try and sort out problems while being 10000 miles away sure is difficult as well. I would say that certainly DO NOT give up hope. ESPECIALLY not while you are deployed. You need to work things out in person. I would find it very difficult to work things out while you are deployed. I dont think that you should make any 'big' decisions while you are over there, such as divorce etc. I know that it must be very hard to 'love' your wife when she has treated you badly, and acts like she doesnt love you or care about you. I think at times all of our spouses are 'hard to love' at some times because of the hurt they put us through. All you can do, is do your part, and love her, because you do. You can tell her you love her, send her personal letters back home to her and your child, etc. Just show her your love, even if she doesnt seem to show it back. God can restore any relationship. I would also suggest marriage counseling when you get back, even if she doesnt want to go, you can go and at least get some encouragement and advice about what to do. You two seem quite 'young'. How old are you both? Also, sometimes, people have the wrong idea about 'love' always being this raging, intense fire every single day for many many years. Sometimes, the fire gets down to dim glow for a while, with the happenings of life. That fire will not always be intense, every second of every day, and I think that is something she will have to understand. you are right when you say that love is a 'choice' and at times like this in your life, it is a choice. I encourage you to keep your temper while on the phone, love her the best way you know how, and try and not to fight to much since you are deployed. Dont need to add more stress to your already stressful environment. Dont give up...keep your head up.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/3/2009 1:34:33 PM
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mark_2006
Posts: 53
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: online
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@ptz - I am 21, and she is 21. She is a few months older than me.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/3/2009 1:57:10 PM
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armywifey
Posts: 55
Joined: 6/11/2009
Status: offline
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Sadly this happens all too often, Soldier thinks he finds the girl of his dreams, they quickly marry before he deploys out, and they divorce as soon as he comes back. When you hear the divorce rates are high b/c of the Iraq/Afgh war, it is not b/c of the war, it's b/c the ones getting married are newly married, don't have God in their lives, or don't have a strong foundation. The deployments are hard enough even when the marriage is good, i can't imagine going thru a deployment when the marriage is bad.
The only thing that is going to save your marriage is prayer, and God.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/3/2009 2:52:21 PM
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mark_2006
Posts: 53
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: armywifey
Sadly this happens all too often, Soldier thinks he finds the girl of his dreams, they quickly marry before he deploys out, and they divorce as soon as he comes back. When you hear the divorce rates are high b/c of the Iraq/Afgh war, it is not b/c of the war, it's b/c the ones getting married are newly married, don't have God in their lives, or don't have a strong foundation. The deployments are hard enough even when the marriage is good, i can't imagine going thru a deployment when the marriage is bad.
The only thing that is going to save your marriage is prayer, and God.
We were married a year before the deployment. I didn't know I was deploying when I married her. We found out in March of this year, which was shortly before our one year anniversary.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/3/2009 5:37:20 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 538
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
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Since you are deployed and out of the country - I suggest that you seek counseling where you are at whether it's with a chaplain or a professional therapist.
It's hard to be apart and in a marriage that isn't going well. You can only fix what is wrong with you - so work on getting yourself together mentally and spiritually. You can encourage your wife to do the same.
It's really important for you to get on firm Christian foundation and work on building your personal relationship with the Lord - regardless of how things work out with your wife/marriage.
You still have a responsibility to provide and support your wife and child(paternity can be dealt with later when you are back home.)
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/4/2009 12:08:30 PM
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mark_2006
Posts: 53
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Harvie
Hello Mark.
I'm sorry for what you're going through -- and will keep you in my prayers.
Are you attending church/chapel in Iraq? Are you stationed where there's a chaplain? If so, I'd urge your participation so that you can get some spiritual support while you're over there.
Is your wife living on base? Is she working? Is she going to church? Is she close with her family?
In the meantime, keep your eyes focuses on Christ, and keep your head in the game while you're over there. STAY SAFE.
I try to attend the services they have here. But some Sundays I'm too busy.
I'm in the National Guard. So my wife is at home. And she isn't working, she claims she is going to church, and she is fairly close with her family. Except we found out that her sister is a friend of the guy who raped her.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/4/2009 1:46:31 PM
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mark_2006
Posts: 53
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Harvie
quote:
ORIGINAL: mark_2006
quote:
ORIGINAL: Harvie
Hello Mark.
I'm sorry for what you're going through -- and will keep you in my prayers.
Are you attending church/chapel in Iraq? Are you stationed where there's a chaplain? If so, I'd urge your participation so that you can get some spiritual support while you're over there.
Is your wife living on base? Is she working? Is she going to church? Is she close with her family?
In the meantime, keep your eyes focused on Christ, and keep your head in the game while you're over there. STAY SAFE.
I try to attend the services they have here. But some Sundays I'm too busy.
I'm in the National Guard. So my wife is at home. And she isn't working, she claims she is going to church, and she is fairly close with her family. Except we found out that her sister is a friend of the guy who raped her.
Your National Guard unit (whether Army or Air National Guard) should have local chaplains who may be able to provide some assistance and counseling for your wife (and both of you) when you come back on leave and return after deployment.
The National Guard Bureau also sponsors free weekend Marriage Enrichment Programs for National Guard Families -- you can find out about them from your local FRG (Family Readiness Group coordinator.)
You and your wife can also get free counseling through Military One Source (www.militaryonesource.com) ... which I would look into, as well.
Still praying for you and your situation. If you want me to look up any resources online, etc ... just let me know.
Sure anything that you think will help, would be appreciated. I just hope that she will agree to counseling.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/4/2009 2:17:13 PM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 332
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline
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You guys need to take a phone break from one another for a couple of weeks. You are in this for the long haul.
Let some things heal over and try again. Can you contact one another with E-mail?
BTW: Thank you for your service to our country!
My youngest son is going to maps in the morning, current plan, he leaves for basic March 1st.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/4/2009 2:37:47 PM
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mark_2006
Posts: 53
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: seagullplayer
You guys need to take a phone break from one another for a couple of weeks. You are in this for the long haul.
Let some things heal over and try again. Can you contact one another with E-mail?
BTW: Thank you for your service to our country!
My youngest son is going to maps in the morning, current plan, he leaves for basic March 1st.
I haven't talked to her on the phone in over a week. We can contact each other with email. but she quit doing it once I brought up the word divorce when I wanted to talk about my feelings.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/4/2009 3:18:25 PM
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mark_2006
Posts: 53
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
quote:
haven't talked to her on the phone in over a week. We can contact each other with email. but she quit doing it once I brought up the word divorce when I wanted to talk about my feelings.
You need to stop doing that. Don't ever, ever do that again, whether out of frustration or to "test" her love.
You guys have been emotionally beating each other up all this time. Not only is love a choice, but love restrains the tongue when there's a desire to hurt with words, love does not "test" or play games with another person, love pretty much does not do all the things you've done to each other. 
I hope you will take the advice already given in this thread, and get some counseling. Both of you need serious help in understanding what makes a healthy relationship and what are healthy behaviors.
Its not really my choice to not talk to her on the phone. She always complains of me calling, and she says it is raising her bill. So I've stopped calling her because of that. I was calling her daily, but since she started complaining about it, I have decided to stop.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/4/2009 3:34:26 PM
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mark_2006
Posts: 53
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: online
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And here is another thing I Forgot to add.
A few weeks ago, she told me she only loved me as a friend, not as a husband.
That is another thing that has done some damage to me.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/5/2009 12:04:31 AM
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ppodmama
Posts: 374
Joined: 10/31/2008
From: Midwest
Status: offline
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(((Mark))) I am so sorry for your situation...there is hope though..if you have no time and are safe for a long period of time read my story on the prayer requests. God intervened 16 years ago to save our marriage while we were non believers.
we are all wounded. some wounds leave scars and haunt us our lives through. God is strong enough to carry us through that, and infinately able to love us in spite of it.
In a ceremony where we re-newed our wedding vows our pastor told us when God wanted to give us a hug, He used our spouses to do that and that when God looked at either one of us, He saw the other. I do have a strong belief that my job as a wife here on this earth is to love my husband the way God would as much as possible.
can i humbly suggest a couple things, BUT PLEASE PROMISE TO PRAY OVER THEM BEFORE YOU DO THEM. I would never want to suggest I know what to do.
Ask God to flood your mind with the beautiful things He sees and created in your wife.
Write her a letter, either email or snail. A love letter. Full of your love, affection, tenderness, beautiful memories and where you would like to see your life in the future.
May I be so bold as to suggest maybe re-proposing. A clean start is a clean start after all, and what better way to offer unconditional, affirming committment than to say, even in the middle of this kind of mess, God can clean it up and you want to walk with her through every step of it all.
Then find out her love language and yours and take this time you have apart as a chance to court each other. Ask silly things of each other, pray God would show you fun again, or maybe for the first time.
Remember, God knew what was coming down the road for the two of you, this is not surprise to Him. He saved our mess, He can do it for you too.
I will be praying for you. PM me if you need to.
THANK YOU FOR GIVING YOUR TIME AND COMFORT FOR THE FREEDOM I AND MY FAMILY ENJOY.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/5/2009 7:46:25 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 53
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ppodmama
(((Mark))) I am so sorry for your situation...there is hope though..if you have no time and are safe for a long period of time read my story on the prayer requests. God intervened 16 years ago to save our marriage while we were non believers.
we are all wounded. some wounds leave scars and haunt us our lives through. God is strong enough to carry us through that, and infinately able to love us in spite of it.
In a ceremony where we re-newed our wedding vows our pastor told us when God wanted to give us a hug, He used our spouses to do that and that when God looked at either one of us, He saw the other. I do have a strong belief that my job as a wife here on this earth is to love my husband the way God would as much as possible.
can i humbly suggest a couple things, BUT PLEASE PROMISE TO PRAY OVER THEM BEFORE YOU DO THEM. I would never want to suggest I know what to do.
Ask God to flood your mind with the beautiful things He sees and created in your wife.
Write her a letter, either email or snail. A love letter. Full of your love, affection, tenderness, beautiful memories and where you would like to see your life in the future.
May I be so bold as to suggest maybe re-proposing. A clean start is a clean start after all, and what better way to offer unconditional, affirming committment than to say, even in the middle of this kind of mess, God can clean it up and you want to walk with her through every step of it all.
Then find out her love language and yours and take this time you have apart as a chance to court each other. Ask silly things of each other, pray God would show you fun again, or maybe for the first time.
Remember, God knew what was coming down the road for the two of you, this is not surprise to Him. He saved our mess, He can do it for you too.
I will be praying for you. PM me if you need to.
THANK YOU FOR GIVING YOUR TIME AND COMFORT FOR THE FREEDOM I AND MY FAMILY ENJOY.
She has told me she has no desire to be with me who so ever. And that we can never have a happy household together, and that she has a happy family right now with just her and our little girl.
She says I have been a baby about all this. She just wants me to give up, and just let her go. I will not sign divorce papers.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/5/2009 8:22:40 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 53
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: online
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And now the "Steven" or "Stephen" guy that she claimed she loved, she is going to tell him, that her "husband" likes to talk smack about him. When all I've been trying to do is to fix our marriage.
I really don't know what I'm to do now. I'm in a loveless marriage. And my wife is just wanting to pick more fights, instead of attempting to fix things.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/5/2009 8:33:44 AM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 332
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline
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Give it more time. Ask about talking to a Chaplain he sees this same thing everyday, he can help you work through this.
Pray.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
Seems a lot of people watch evangelist on TV and call it going to church.
My kids use to play Mario Cart and think they where driving…
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MARRIED TO A MILITARY PILOT ~ PLEASE PRAY FOR OUR TROOPS! 
