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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/5/2009 9:03:08 AM
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ppodmama
Posts: 374
Joined: 10/31/2008
From: Midwest
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((Mark)) I understand your feelings of hopelessness, but as long as we breathe, everything is fixable.
I still think you could try courting her again and of course pray, but don't give up...just try a different route.....
I keep praying.....
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/5/2009 9:06:19 AM
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ppodmama
Posts: 374
Joined: 10/31/2008
From: Midwest
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Mark,
if my husband mentioned a divorce, I think I would feel like he doesn't want to be with me at all, the rug is pulled from under my feet and I no longer feel secure....maybe an apology for that, and a re-affirming of your committment would help...prayerfully worth a try....Hang in there!
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/5/2009 9:36:31 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1742
Joined: 5/23/2006
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quote:
The only thing that is going to save your marriage is prayer, and God.
I disagree with that statement.
First of all THANK YOU for your service Mark. Only another Military family can fully understand the stress that comes with these deployments. My prayers are with you.
Now about your marriage and why I disagree with the above statement.
Yes, prayer is important, and yes, God is most certainly an important part...but those are only 2 factors. There are things each couple in a marriage can do and MUST do to make a marriage work. All marriages require work. period...anyone who tells you they don't is lying to you.
Lets think about your military career and see what it has in common with your marriage. You had to go through basic training first. During boot camp you learned to take orders, to discipline and condition your body and it required not just physical discipline, but mental discipline as well. Right? That was the beginning of your military exp. Now look at your marriage in the beginning.
You married a girl who was homeless and pregnant. Not long after that you both were dealt a tragic loss through the death of the baby. Bottom line is you both are now very wounded.
What do you learn in your Military training when dealing with the wounded? Do you drag them bleeding and battered back out to the battlefield or do you call for the medics and transport them to a place for the wounded to be treated for their wounds?
You married a girl who is broken. She has not been healed of her own wounds so has no idea how to love herself or you. Even accepting God's love is foreign to her right now. Before she can love you and want her marriage to work she has got to be healed and learn to love herself.
Not only will God and prayer help her through this process, but she needs a professional counselor to help her sort through all this pain.
If there is any hope for your marriage it's going to require her to begin this journey to find healing.
As for yourself you also could benefit greatly from personal counseling..esp. in learning to be free from addictions Wanting to rescue her may have been a cover for your own pain. Is there abuse in your background? Where is all the anger coming from for you?
We only give to our spouse what we have. Both of you have much personal work to be done before you can possibly know how to love each other as God intends two people to do in a marriage.
The stress of deployment is only adding layers to your pain.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/5/2009 10:27:16 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 51
Joined: 11/3/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ppodmama
Mark,
if my husband mentioned a divorce, I think I would feel like he doesn't want to be with me at all, the rug is pulled from under my feet and I no longer feel secure....maybe an apology for that, and a re-affirming of your committment would help...prayerfully worth a try....Hang in there!
I have tried apology, and I've been the one trying to re-affirm my commitment to her.
She has packed all my stuff and put it into a closet, and she hasn't worn her wedding rings in months before I left.
I honestly don't think there is a chance. She doesn't seem to want to fix things, and if she doesn't want to fix things, then things will never be fixed.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/5/2009 11:51:34 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 51
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
quote:
The only thing that is going to save your marriage is prayer, and God.
I disagree with that statement.
First of all THANK YOU for your service Mark. Only another Military family can fully understand the stress that comes with these deployments. My prayers are with you.
Now about your marriage and why I disagree with the above statement.
Yes, prayer is important, and yes, God is most certainly an important part...but those are only 2 factors. There are things each couple in a marriage can do and MUST do to make a marriage work. All marriages require work. period...anyone who tells you they don't is lying to you.
Lets think about your military career and see what it has in common with your marriage. You had to go through basic training first. During boot camp you learned to take orders, to discipline and condition your body and it required not just physical discipline, but mental discipline as well. Right? That was the beginning of your military exp. Now look at your marriage in the beginning.
You married a girl who was homeless and pregnant. Not long after that you both were dealt a tragic loss through the death of the baby. Bottom line is you both are now very wounded.
What do you learn in your Military training when dealing with the wounded? Do you drag them bleeding and battered back out to the battlefield or do you call for the medics and transport them to a place for the wounded to be treated for their wounds?
You married a girl who is broken. She has not been healed of her own wounds so has no idea how to love herself or you. Even accepting God's love is foreign to her right now. Before she can love you and want her marriage to work she has got to be healed and learn to love herself.
Not only will God and prayer help her through this process, but she needs a professional counselor to help her sort through all this pain.
If there is any hope for your marriage it's going to require her to begin this journey to find healing.
As for yourself you also could benefit greatly from personal counseling..esp. in learning to be free from addictions Wanting to rescue her may have been a cover for your own pain. Is there abuse in your background? Where is all the anger coming from for you?
We only give to our spouse what we have. Both of you have much personal work to be done before you can possibly know how to love each other as God intends two people to do in a marriage.
The stress of deployment is only adding layers to your pain.
She says she is happy with herself. And she loves herself.
I am coming home on leave in Dec. But I have to stay with my Mom, and get all my stuff that she has put in the closet, and the wedding pictures. That she threw into the closet with my stuff.
She told me not to burn or destroy the wedding pictures. Why would I do that? And why would she think I would do that?
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/5/2009 8:42:25 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1742
Joined: 5/23/2006
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She has no concept of what happiness or love for self is. Don't believe anything she tells you right now...she is in desp. need of help.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/6/2009 10:17:40 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 51
Joined: 11/3/2009
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Another Day, and no new information really.
I will keep praying for her, and for my marriage. And if anyone else has any suggestions it would be appreciated. She is just taking herself completely away from the marriage, instead of trying to build it.
Mark
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/6/2009 12:11:15 PM
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mark_2006
Posts: 51
Joined: 11/3/2009
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I'm debating on telling her that the ball is in her court. If she chooses a divorce, then I have no choice to give it to her. But she will be one answering to the great lord up above for the divorce, not me. I'm doing everything I can to save our marriage, and I'm doing everything I can to help improve myself.
All I have is time here. There is a Gym and that is about it, whenever I'm not going outside the wire. And I pretty much go to the gym once a day, and On Sundays if I don't have a mission, I go to the chapel services. And we are starting a bible study group, and I'm going to start going to that on Wednesday nights.
Should I tell her that? Or should I Just give her plenty of space for a few days, and see if she wants to come around or not?
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/6/2009 2:04:57 PM
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ppodmama
Posts: 374
Joined: 10/31/2008
From: Midwest
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give her the space, pray and let her know what you are willing to do to make this better. ((mark))
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/7/2009 1:26:25 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 51
Joined: 11/3/2009
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She has sent a friend on myspace a email saying that she is completely happy we split, and we are not together, and she doesn't need me or want to be with me.
My heart is shattered.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/7/2009 2:00:54 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 51
Joined: 11/3/2009
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And she told him, she was filing for divorce, as soon as the time is right. And I think she is going to hold off, untill I get back from Iraq.
There is literally no hope right now, she isn't seeking God for help. She is just letting the devil ruin our marriage. I've posted all of our problems on here. And everyone here says there is still a chance. But it takes two. And right now, I'm the only one who loves and honors God's standards.
I let the devil run my life for almost 20 years. She is letting him run her life to ruin both hers and mine.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/7/2009 5:46:19 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 51
Joined: 11/3/2009
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She has told me she is going to file.
She told me I'm judging her because I Just said somethings along the lines of that I wish she was a honest christian woman who wanted to have a christian marriage, and a christian family.
She told me she would file, and file for temporary custody, so I couldn't see my little girl on leave. that will kill me.
Should I start using a new bank account? That way she doesn't drain all my money? I got a feeling that will be next.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/7/2009 6:09:04 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 51
Joined: 11/3/2009
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And she told me, that she is tired of me bringing up religious materials whenever I talk to her.
She says I say it like "your supposed to do this, and do that BLAH BLAH." I guess I just need to quit talking to the one person who means the most to me in my life other than God.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/7/2009 6:14:30 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 51
Joined: 11/3/2009
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I'm going to delete my myspace, and facebook. There is too much drama in those things.
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Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/7/2009 7:32:23 AM
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PinkCarnations
Posts: 10801
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I'll keep praying for both of you.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/7/2009 11:32:44 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 51
Joined: 11/3/2009
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And I found out from someone, that she is telling some guy that she loved him.
And i found out that her sister, brought a guy over for my wife to "meet" and his name was Steven. Who she said she was in love with in the first post. That she claimed was her cousin.
And on her text messages it says <3 SLP. The guys Name is Steven Lee Paschall.
So I have offically begun to think that she is having an affair. It might be an emotional affair, but I am thinking she is having one.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/7/2009 3:07:32 PM
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mark_2006
Posts: 51
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Harvie
My advice to people going through marital difficulties like this is always to protect yourself financially. That being said, you still have an obligation to provide support for your wife and child ... so whatever changes you make with regard to bank accounts (which I think would be wise), make sure you still set up a system to provide their necessary support.
Did you give your wife a Power of Attorney while you were gone? If so, talk to a JAG over there about revoking it ... and advising DFAS and your local base and pay office.
Thanks Harvie. I appreciate it.
I did give her power of attorney, but it has been revoked, it was revoked about 3 weeks ago. And the bank, I have a new bank account. I intially started this bank account a few weeks ago, because she was always wanting a divorce. But then I just got a feeling, like she was willing to fix things with me, and I switched it back over. I'm switching it back to the new bank account for good now.
I'm required to give her my BAH every paycheck. And that gives her enough to pay the rent, and bills, and a little extra for my little girl. I'm going back to this route, since she is telling everyone we are not together, and is quite possibly having an affair with someone.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/7/2009 10:13:51 PM
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mark_2006
Posts: 51
Joined: 11/3/2009
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I have told her, our marriage is in her hands.
If she wants to keep the covenant that we set with God, then she will decide to remain with me. If she decides she doesn't want to keep it, then she will file for divorce.
I guess now all I can do is wait and see.
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/8/2009 7:20:45 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1742
Joined: 5/23/2006
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Stop torturing yourself like this every day. Tell her until she gets professional counseling you are not going to communicate with her .
You are not going to be able to do your mission safely if you keep yourself on this emotional rollercoaster.
Do you have a Chaplain there you can talk to?
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RE: Deployed Solider Looking For Advice. - 11/8/2009 7:50:01 AM
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mark_2006
Posts: 51
Joined: 11/3/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
Stop torturing yourself like this every day. Tell her until she gets professional counseling you are not going to communicate with her .
You are not going to be able to do your mission safely if you keep yourself on this emotional rollercoaster.
Do you have a Chaplain there you can talk to?
Yes I do have a chaplain I can talk to here. I've talked to him a few times already.
I can't just not talk to her, because she has my little girl. And I want to know how she is doing and everything.
And I doubt it will hurt her any if I don't talk to her. Because she told me the other day, to just leave her alone.
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MARRIED TO A MILITARY PILOT ~ PLEASE PRAY FOR OUR TROOPS! 