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he says its up to me - 11/7/2009 3:35:33 PM
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Grace71
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Some of you know that my husband walked out on me a few months ago. http://forums.christianity.com/husband+left+me+today/m_4493498/mpage_4/tm.htm#4544542 We spoke a while back and he says he hasn't had time to think about us or our relationship. Which I find funny cause I'm working 2 jobs, taking care of the house and trying to stay above water, and its all I think about. I asked him recently again about us and what is going on or going to happen, and he told me that I should do whatever I think is right or best. There was much deception going on, and I believe that he wants me to make the decision so he won 't look like the bad guy. He never was the poster boy for responsibility. He hasn't been helping financially or anything. Should I wait and see? SHould I move forward with legal separation? I just don't know.
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/7/2009 3:57:42 PM
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herestoresmysoul
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I do think that as you have a child/children you do need to get some legal help, so that you can sort out child support for him.You husband cant just contribute nothing.It may well be able to be back dated as well.
Where is your husband living? You do need to try and find out f there is another women as then that may help you to decide what to do next.Is your husband a christian?
Can you get some legal advice? I wouldnt do anything about a divorce and leave that to him if that is what he wants, but if a legal seperation is the only way that you can sort out housing and child supoort etc then you may have to do that..
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/7/2009 4:01:42 PM
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Grace71
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He is living with 2 of his cousins right now. I do believe that there is someone else, but he is saying no. However, he was also lying about the drinking and pot smoking for months saying he wasn't doing that either. Now that I look back there is some other stuff that went on that makes me go hmmmmm, such as immediately deleting text messages, never leaving his phone around, etc. He is not a christian.
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/7/2009 4:11:30 PM
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herestoresmysoul
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If there was another lady would that make you feel differently about what to do? That does sound very suspicious about the phone and texts. Anyone who is being secretive has things to hide. Does he see his son?
Could you ask his cousins about any other lady?I do think it is important for you that you know for sure.
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/7/2009 4:34:48 PM
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Grace71
Posts: 136
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If I knew for sure about another woman, I prob would just say its done and over. He doesn't see his son, he is 19 and husband thinks its my son's responsibility to keep in touch. While I do understand my son is an adult, my husband is the one that left, and I feel its his responsibility to let his son knows he would still be part of his life. As far as asking anyone that is a lost cause. Other, neighbors, relatives knew he was drinking and didn't tell me, so I can't count on them to be honest either.
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/7/2009 5:14:55 PM
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herestoresmysoul
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I think it is the dads responsibility to make sure that he sees his son. That is sad that he isnt making any effort.
My husband has 2 sons aged 22 and 26,(my step sons) and if he didnt contact them and go to see them he would never see them.They are just too lazy to bother arranging anything themselves even though they seem to like to see him.
You really do need to get all the money sorted so a good idea to see someone who can help you with that. is it a joint house or is it rented? Are there joint assets that will need to be split?
Is it possible for you to see him with another person there to mediate and sort out exactly what he wants to do? This state of being in limbo isnt good for either of you.
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/7/2009 6:03:05 PM
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bolt.
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He has no interest in getting back together with you for now.
Therefore the honest and practical thing to do is to file legal separation papers. You do not want to be responsible for his choices, expenses or property.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/7/2009 8:03:00 PM
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Grace71
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He's already said that he won't fight me for anything. Our house is in my name, it was a gift from my mom. We really don't have any assests together either. The main reason I want to file is because of the financial mess he left me in. I wasn't working and we were already behind in our bills and mortgage. I only want the help till I can get back on my feet financially. He makes about 1000.00 every two weeks, and he has 2 roomates, so I know all his money isn't going to rent and such. I make about 300 every two weeks and trying to get help from him is like pulling teeth. I know I can't make him want to be with me, I just can't believe that after 20 yrs he would leave me in the situation he did. Thats what hurts the most.
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/7/2009 8:23:08 PM
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laura...
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You need to file for divorce so that you won't get stuck with more bills from him. If he has any credit cards, you are liable for them. If you die suddenly, he would get your house. If he gets sick you'd be stuck with the medical bills. If you are hoping for a miracle of reconciliation some day a divorce won't stop such a miracle.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/8/2009 11:33:30 AM
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alpad
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He's not doing anything that says he cares what you do/ don't do. So, he has NOT right to be offended about any of the consequences the come ahead. (The choices one DOES NOT make are just as important as the ones they do make.)
So, do what you have to do to come out of this a survivor ... hold him accountable as much as possible according to the law. He's leaving you no choice.
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/8/2009 1:22:57 PM
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Grace71
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Alpad, you aren't the first to say by not making a choice, he is making a choice. (And I've already got the 'christians don't divorce, just believe God' message in a pm here too. Which I have to say doesn't help the situation. Only makes me feel worse atm).
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/8/2009 1:41:28 PM
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herestoresmysoul
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Grace71
Alpad, you aren't the first to say by not making a choice, he is making a choice. (And I've already got the 'christians don't divorce, just believe God' message in a pm here too. Which I have to say doesn't help the situation. Only makes me feel worse atm).
If your spouse has left you and has no intention of ever returning I dont see what other choice you have. You have been abandoned by him.
You either live apart but still stay legally married for the rest of your life, or you legeally seperate or you get divorced.
As it hasnt been that long since he left I think the legal seperation is the best option and wait on God to see what He wants you to do.Do see someone about getting all of this done properly.
By the way Christians do divorce (and are allowed to) for certain reasons, so dont listen to those who say that Christians can never divorce. Ask God to show you what HE wants you to do. Only HE knows if your husband will ever return. Also ask God to reveal to you if he is having an affair. A friends of mine did this. She suspected that her husband was seeing someone else and asked God to tell her, and within a week she had confirmation. At least this would enable you to make the decision one way or another.
God Bless
The choices may be to either go for legal seperation and wait to see what will happen, or to divorce him for abandonment.
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/8/2009 6:55:37 PM
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cynthia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
You need to file for divorce so that you won't get stuck with more bills from him. If he has any credit cards, you are liable for them. If you die suddenly, he would get your house. If he gets sick you'd be stuck with the medical bills. If you are hoping for a miracle of reconciliation some day a divorce won't stop such a miracle.
Excellent advice from Laura.
The Bible tells us that if an unbelieving spouse wants to leave, then let him. That means the same as divorce. He has left/deserted you. Let him go. Letting him go means filing for divorce, if he refuses to do it. It's hard, but like Laura said, it won't stop God from reaching your husband's heart and bringing a miracle of repentance and reconcilliation. In fact, if you follow what the Bible says about letting him go, it frees things up to not quench God's work as you are obedient to what the scripture tell says.
He clearly has made a choice. He left you. Whatever reason has has chosen not to file for divorce doesn't matter. He is dishonoring you and his marriage vows by leaving you.
As long as you are married to him, you are one with an unrepentant sinner. That is surely one of the reasons why the Bible says to let him go. There was no legal separation in the Bible. For him to leave you and try to put it off on you, as if you were the one who left is a very wicked thing for him to do.
ETA:
If he were still living in your home, I would say to live with him as peacefully as possible, unless you were certain he was in adultery. However, when he has already left the marriage, but failed to follow through legally, I think it is bibically proper to file for divorce, since he has left the marriage, but our legal system doesn't reconize it as divorce without going through the legal system. Basically you would simply be following the legal process to be not only biblically free of him (since he left the marriage), but legally as well.
< Message edited by cynthia -- 11/8/2009 7:17:42 PM >
_____________________________
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/9/2009 6:41:20 PM
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Grace71
Posts: 136
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The Bible tells us that if an unbelieving spouse wants to leave, then let him. That means the same as divorce. He has left/deserted you. Let him go. Letting him go means filing for divorce, if he refuses to do it. It's hard, but like Laura said, it won't stop God from reaching your husband's heart and bringing a miracle of repentance and reconcilliation. In fact, if you follow what the Bible says about letting him go, it frees things up to not quench God's work as you are obedient to what the scripture tell says.
Just want you to know those words are very comforting to me right now. I do need to protect myself. I have the paperwork for a legal separation, filled it out, but have been hesitant to return it. It's hard to accept this.
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/9/2009 7:15:34 PM
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bolt.
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Legal separation papers are simple honesty.
You are separated. You might stay that way, you might not. If things change, you will fill in the proper papers to be honest about your reunification. That's all there is to it.
The papers don't do anything to you, and they don't effect your situation in any tangible way.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/9/2009 7:20:42 PM
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cynthia
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Of course it's difficult. Marriage is the joining of two as one. It is hard to permanently severe that bond, but unfortunately it is sometimes necessary. I'm sorry this has happened to you.
Why would you want a legal separation rather than a divorce?
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/10/2009 4:07:20 PM
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Grace71
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He's only been gone about 2 and a hlf months. I guess I thought by filing divorce this early it would be jumping the gun some what.
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/10/2009 4:34:14 PM
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cynthia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Grace71
He's only been gone about 2 and a hlf months. I guess I thought by filing divorce this early it would be jumping the gun some what.
So you would be filing for a legal separation to protect yourself and give your husband a bit more thinking time?
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Marriage problems are soul wrenching.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/10/2009 5:31:07 PM
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Grace71
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pretty much, although he hasn't given any indication whatsoever about getting back together.
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RE: he says its up to me - 11/10/2009 6:43:57 PM
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jhuperetes
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I think you need to 1. get with your church elders and explain your situation. 2. get a lawyer. 3. "dial back" your stress, if possible.
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