|
|
|
|
|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
What do I do? - 11/7/2009 6:46:09 PM
|
|
|
steph1
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/7/2009
Status: offline
|
My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We got married very young. Throughout our marriage he has put me through some pretty rough stuff (of which I'd rather spare the details). After a five week separation this year in may/june, he chose to change many things. Things were going great until two weeks ago he started staying out late with the guys and not coming home till four or five in the morning. This has happened about 7 times in the last two weeks. Yesterday I figured out he has been hanging around with some younger people from church in the college group and admitted to have kissed one of the girls (he said it was a mistake and that it wouldn't happen again). Now he tells me he isn't sure he wants to be married anymore. He told me that he changed a lot about himself in the last five months but I haven't changed at all. It's true, It's so hard for me to get past the things he has done to me and love him the way he deserves. I'm sad that he is giving up after five months and I've stuck with him for 6 years through all his junk. Do I hang in there and just love on him and hope he sees that I can and will change? Or do I tell him he needs to decide what he wants: me and the kids or the single life that he never had?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/7/2009 7:12:51 PM
|
|
|
Isaiah331516
Posts: 248
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline
|
what do you believe about the marriage covenant?
do you believe God can change a person's heart?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/7/2009 7:19:00 PM
|
|
|
steph1
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/7/2009
Status: offline
|
I made those vows at the alter and I know in my heart I do not want a divorce. But when I'm angry the vows I made don't seem to matter. I just lose it and tell him all the ugly things I feel. I truly believe that God has begun a work in my husbands heart. He has attended church with me but still has not (to my knowledge) surrendered his heart to Christ. I have so much to work on myself and I know that if I'm willing God will change my heart too.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/7/2009 9:07:14 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 8215
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
Have you spoken with your pastor about the situation? Have you considered counselling from a trained and qualified counsellor?
_____________________________
"Manda.....you said what I tried to say, just much better"
sharonjef, October 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/8/2009 1:43:31 AM
|
|
|
steph1
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/7/2009
Status: offline
|
Yes, our Pastor is fully aware of the situation. My husband refuses to go to our counseling sessions but I have been keeping in contact with him and with a woman who is counseling me.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/8/2009 2:10:10 AM
|
|
|
lum3n
Posts: 6
Joined: 11/6/2009
Status: offline
|
quote:
But when I'm angry the vows I made don't seem to matter
Sister, I urge you not to give the devil an inch of ground. Anger grows from an ember to a blaze if you do not keep it in check. I pray that the Lord keeps you from Satan's reach.
I am very sad to hear about the situation you are in right now. Any thought of divorce is something that upsets me. I came from a broken home and it affects me when I see others threatened by it.
quote:
I truly believe that God has begun a work in my husbands heart. He has attended church with me but still has not (to my knowledge) surrendered his heart to Christ.
If you believe that God has begun a work, why skip out before it's finished. I encourage you to weather this storm. Let the Lord be your strength in this time of tribulation. Psalm 18:6 says "In my trouble I called to the LORD. I cried out to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my call for help reached his ears." (NCV)
Sister, your cry has not gone unheard. Keep your faith strong and walk with God. You will be delivered.
< Message edited by lum3n -- 11/8/2009 2:16:49 AM >
_____________________________
Please check out my Blog!
www.lum3n.blogspot.com
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/8/2009 9:35:42 AM
|
|
|
steph1
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/7/2009
Status: offline
|
Thanks so much for the encouragement!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/8/2009 10:32:46 AM
|
|
|
alpad
Posts: 11
Joined: 5/30/2006
Status: offline
|
At the same time, God doesn't want you to be a doormat either. He has placed you in a relationship and co-charged you with a family where there is a level of accountability you have to exercise to protect yourself, children and your ability to be the only full-time parent they may eventually have.
Obviously, you and your husband are not in sync where how to live is concerned.
I got the same line, 'you haven't changed' too when my x-husband and I reconciled (with the intervention of church leaders too.) What it means is that you are being an adult while he is TRYING to not live like one. (He doesn't see the benefits of being a man, head of his household? Does he know, care what they are?)
Either he will EVENTUALLY act his age (where he is in life not the span of years he's drawn breaths) or he will not and eventually leave on his own accord. You have to decide how long you will tolerate/ suffer/ wait ... what you will do until you find out what he is finally going to do, etc... This is a torturous time for those who are unequally yoked. (Being equally yoked is more than just being believers.)
Please don't do what I did, I wasted 17 years of my life. I did everything I was supposed to do and more. He was dating other women while I was at home crying, hoping and praying. (I even had our girls praying for his salvation and role in leadership of our family.)
He finally told me he didn't want to live "like this anymore." I was so relieved. I thought he was ready to be the leader of our family, but what he meant was he didn't want to live with us. He informed me that I needed to find a job in order to afford a place for our 3 daughters to move to by the end of the year which was like six months away. A couple weeks later, he gave us ninety days to be out.
I am still shocked that he always said the right things to keep me where he wanted me to be. I am angry at myself. I abhor him. I cannot forgive him. He has no desire for my forgiveness anyways. It has been 5 years since our divorce and I am NOT over it yet.
Don't let this happen to you. I am not saying go get a divorce, I am saying to hold him accountable and if he walks, he walks. We cannot make these things easy for them. If he wants to do/ have what the Lord has for him, he'll return for the right reasons and live the right way! He will compliment you then!
I will pray for you!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/11/2009 10:08:48 PM
|
|
|
georgerobbyjr
Posts: 39
Joined: 9/2/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
Do I hang in there and just love on him and hope he sees that I can and will change? Or do I tell him he needs to decide what he wants: me and the kids or the single life that he never had?
How do you have to change? It sounds like your husband is having some kind of a mid-life-crisis. He should be happy with the life he chose or ask you to separate. Kissing girls from church? What kind of people attend that church? Make him decide, as alpad said, don't be a doormat! If he doesn't want to be married he should tell you plainly. How long you're willing to wait for him to decide is up to you.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/11/2009 10:35:40 PM
|
|
|
KaptZ
Posts: 172
Joined: 10/28/2009
From: The swamps of Jersey
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: steph1
Yes, our Pastor is fully aware of the situation. My husband refuses to go to our counseling sessions but I have been keeping in contact with him and with a woman who is counseling me.
Good. You need to figure out how much of his(you can guess what I want to say here) you can put up with. Just never forget you have a right to some self-respect.
Talk to a divorce attorney. You might not need him, but you do need to know exactly what your options are.
Good Luck!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/12/2009 1:13:12 AM
|
|
|
deermousie
Posts: 2218
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: steph1
Yesterday I figured out he has been hanging around with some younger people from church in the college group and admitted to have kissed one of the girls ...
Wow, wouldn't the parents of those younger people be thrilled to know a straying married man was hanging out with their kids and kissing one of the girls at a church function! NOT The parents would probably come after him with torches and hay forks. Does the pastor know this sin is being brought to the college group under his authority and protection? Where are the leaders of the college group? Why are they allowing this guy to be there?
Go talk to your pastor today.
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/12/2009 4:36:45 AM
|
|
|
herestoresmysoul
Posts: 1469
Joined: 3/13/2009
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
quote:
ORIGINAL: steph1
Yesterday I figured out he has been hanging around with some younger people from church in the college group and admitted to have kissed one of the girls ...
Wow, wouldn't the parents of those younger people be thrilled to know a straying married man was hanging out with their kids and kissing one of the girls at a church function! NOT The parents would probably come after him with torches and hay forks. Does the pastor know this sin is being brought to the college group under his authority and protection? Where are the leaders of the college group? Why are they allowing this guy to be there?
Go talk to your pastor today.
Agree totally with this.
What is a Christian married man doing hanging out with Christisn college students in a situation that could lead to this?, What is he doing kissing a girl and what is SHE doing kissing a married guy?I would be extreemly hurt in your position.
If he were in our church he would be strongly dealt with and would be kept right away from any other young people and also he would be strongly challenged about his whole wrong behaviour patterns. He needs strict boundairies. He is acting like a single guy when he isnt.
He needs a good accountabiity partner from your church who will challenge him, question him and pray with him.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/12/2009 11:44:12 AM
|
|
|
laura...
Posts: 3281
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
|
quote:
Things were going great until two weeks ago he started staying out late with the guys and not coming home till four or five in the morning. This has happened about 7 times in the last two weeks.
I would seriously question where he says he was. That sounds more like he's having an affair than just hanging out with the guys.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/12/2009 3:36:57 PM
|
|
|
cynthia
Posts: 7008
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
Things were going great until two weeks ago he started staying out late with the guys and not coming home till four or five in the morning. This has happened about 7 times in the last two weeks.
I would seriously question where he says he was. That sounds more like he's having an affair than just hanging out with the guys.
Maybe not "an" affair, but affairs, if he is also admitting to kissing a young woman at church. This does not bode well, especially since he is blaming the marriage problems on you. He may have changed, but clearly he is not repentant, as he is expecting you to forget whatever it is that he has done and now he is out late running around doing who knows what.
Here's a link you might want to take a look at.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/12/2009 4:52:20 PM
|
|
|
loveishere
Posts: 5
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline
|
Trust in the Lord. this is first and most important. I used to think that a person would provide me safety but this is not true. Focusing on the Lord will truly ease your mind and heal your heart. Run to Him with this. Also, I agree with the poster who said, ask God what to do and reveal if your husband is cheating. God DOES here us and HE DOES CARE. He wants an intimate relationship with us despite whatever our husbands are doing. Humans do not always reflect God's love and will not always be there for us. Pray. Seek out the Lord. Your husband has treated you horribly and I am so sorry for that. It must hurt you very badly and rightly so. Bring that hurt to God, forgive and assess the situation as best as possible- with God's help and direction. Remember, He is there for you. Talk with Him! Talk with GOOD pastors and wise people who can shepherd you. If you don't have a church which really draws you close and intimate with your Lord, it is time to find another one. It took me getting into a Bible college filled with believers with great zeal to see what I had been missing out on going to the church I had gone to all my life. Get around people who know the Lord- intimately. Some of these churches are small. Support groups are essential because they are the ones who will get you through this. Don't worry and Don't let fear take hold. Trust in the Lord. HE will protect and provide for you. Get child support absolutely if you need to. I believe you should call and talk to someone, like an attorney or wise person who KNOWS what you're dealing with. Do your best. Don't be a doormat- I agree. Don't be afraid of what your husband may do. If infedility is not going on and even if it is, divorce is not always ideal and I do believe divorce papers do say something...that is a divorce. really look for direction from God and comfort. He will lead you. Or a wise pastor if you are truly confused. You may be surprised from some of the wisdom that is out there when you go looking for it. Don't be afraid to call pastors and confide- ask questions. search out the right answer. will be praying for you sister.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: What do I do? - 11/12/2009 5:42:26 PM
|
|
|
cynthia
Posts: 7008
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: offline
|
A change of heart will result in a change of behavior, but a change of behavior does not necessarily indicate a change of heart. If a person has truly repented, that person will want to make amends and work towards helping the healing process of those he has wronged. One sure sign that a person has not repented, but is seeking to control another person is when he makes changes and becomes angry and/or accusing when the other person does not respond by trusting him.
In this case, the husband showed a change, but his wife did not trust him, despite wanting to and wanting a change. She was waiting to see if it stuck. Now the husband has been running around and not coming home during the night. He confessed to kissing a young woman at a church function. He is accusing his wife of being at fault for the marriage problems and telling her that if she doesn’t change he doesn’t think he wants to stay married to her.
Steph1, is this an accurate representation of what is happening in your marriage?
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
