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The harder I try the worse it gets and I'm going to BREAK!
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The harder I try the worse it gets and I'm going to BREAK! - 11/8/2009 2:17:57 AM
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harbid
Posts: 7
Joined: 10/18/2009
Status: offline
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Here's my problem...
I honestly go out of my way to hug my wife for no reason when I pass her in the room, or I'll even get out of my chair just for the sake of giving her a kiss on the cheek to tell her I love her. I have always done this. When we met she was just as touchy feely as I am in this way.
I've tried to tell her I would very much like the same treatment. It reminds me she cares, it makes me smile, and it makes me feel.....well, Wonderful!!
She surprised me with a hug like that when I was making coffee one night about a month ago. It gave me goosebumps and made me feel better than I had felt in weeks.....but that was a month ago...
I'm actually at a very low point emotionally in my life right now and she knows this.....I've told her I've needed a hug only to be not heard, or get an "OK honey" but the hug or reassurance never comes. Instead I sit and watch her play games online, check email, message people back and forth smiling while she's doing it as if she's oblivious to what I've told her I need.
If I sit and wait, I get more and more upset because she doesn't respond.
If I mention it more than once it feels like I'm fighting to get something that should come naturally and in the end she actually gets MAD at me for needing a second of her time just focused on her hubby.....
I'm at the point now where I'm so sad I'm suicidal and I have told her that too.....now it's come to a point where she's mad anytime I say I need those little hugs and I love you's.
Now I get called a broken record for even bringing it up.
It's making me feel worse by the day. I don't know what's going through her mind about all this. When I ask her why she won't do it she just says "I don't know" and heaves a heavy sigh at me.
At most she's told me she's not responsible for my mental health as a whole, which I've told her I agree with. She is not responsible for keeping me happy all the time, but in asking for these hugs she's acting like that is the responsibility I'm putting on her.
What she DOES NOT UNDERSTAND is that if she did give those little hugs, whisper that she loves me for no particular reason, just once, or twice a day the way I do I WOULD be happy because those things are great healers for the things that plague me and nothing makes me feel more safe or secure.
Am I asking too much?
What do I do if I'm just going to be accused of being a broken record?
All I know is her -not- doing anything is making me sad, angry and depressed and I don't think she knows how badly she's really hurting me. 
< Message edited by harbid -- 11/8/2009 3:25:29 AM >
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RE: The harder I try the worse it gets and I'm going to... - 11/8/2009 4:32:57 AM
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johndoo
Posts: 3
Joined: 11/7/2009
Status: offline
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Please go to marriage counseling as soon as possible. Mental health care for yourself is important also. Marriage takes two functional people who can give up some of their inherent selfishness.
I've prayed for you.
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RE: The harder I try the worse it gets and I'm going to... - 11/8/2009 9:19:53 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 3595
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
What she DOES NOT UNDERSTAND is that if she did give those little hugs, whisper that she loves me for no particular reason, just once, or twice a day the way I do I WOULD be happy because those things are great healers for the things that plague me and nothing makes me feel more safe or secure.
If you are suicidal over this, then there is something much deeper going on and she cannot fix it by becoming a more huggy person. 
Please get help.
That being said...
It is easy to be touchy-feely during courtship and early marriage, even for someone who is normally not that type of person. It's also easy for a non-touchy person to slide back into their self-containment after a while. To be pursued and pressed to become a different kind of person is almost guaranteed to drive them further away. I am a touchy-feely kind of person, but I have to tell you that for someone to tell me they wanted to die because I didn't hug them enough, even I'd be running for the hills.
What you are doing to your wife, I did to my husband. And I can tell you from experience, it is not a healthy or effective way to get needs met.
Out of love and compassion, a spouse should seek to meet the other's physical and emotional needs, that is very true. But it may be that you need to do a little sacrificing too. She may not ever think or feel the same way as you do about physical expressions of love. Instead of badgering her about it as something that is her fault, you may need to try something different: In the moment when you need reassurance and touch, tell her that you are feeling insecure and that a hug from her right then would help you feel better. Don't make it about her failure to meet your needs. And consider, too, if she responds when you initiate and kiss and hug her, that is a demonstration of her love and care for you.
< Message edited by 3cappuccinosmom -- 11/8/2009 9:26:50 AM >
_____________________________
 Moo
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: The harder I try the worse it gets and I'm going to... - 11/8/2009 11:33:49 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2220
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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When a person talks suicide, they have upped the situation to emergency status. Please call your pastor, or if he's not much of a counselor, call a counselor and tell them you need an emergency appointment as you're feeling suicidal. They'll get you right in.
You must deal with this now. If you carried through on your feelings, it would destroy your wife and any family you have, and it would destructively reverberate down through your family for generations. It is the ultimate selfishness.
Pick up your phone book or just show up at church and talk to the pastor right after the service. His lunch can wait.
_____________________________
"Through Gates of Splendor" by Elizabeth Elliot
"Federal Husband" by Doug Wilson
www.biblegateway.com for online concordance (I use it daily)
"Passion and Purity" by Elizabeth Elliot
And I think chickens are really funny
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RE: The harder I try the worse it gets and I'm going to... - 11/8/2009 6:35:51 PM
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harbid
Posts: 7
Joined: 10/18/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
If you are suicidal over this, then there is something much deeper going on and she cannot fix it by becoming a more huggy person.
Please get help.
I think you misunderstood.....what I meant was there are a million stressors in both our lives right now, and that is where the suicidal part comes in. I would NEVER tell my wife she made me want to kill myself and I don't want to die because she won't hug me. That would be holding her hostage emotionally.
I also understand her returning a hug I give is nice......but if it's not being reciprocated it means it will always be up to me to maintain the "status quo"
I should mention too since you said during courting it's easy.....we've been together almost 8 years with kids for 5 of them this is new within' the last year I'd say at the longest.
I'm not trying to change my wife.....I want to know where she went.
The reason I said I don't think she understands how badly she's hurting me is because she has a rich social life, she has many friends while I have a small select group and unfortunately the majority of them are out of town so she is my closest and dearest friend as well as my other half.
(sorry if I'm a tad out of sync....writing with a fever today)
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RE: The harder I try the worse it gets and I'm going to... - 11/8/2009 6:40:51 PM
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harbid
Posts: 7
Joined: 10/18/2009
Status: offline
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quote:
when you need reassurance and touch, tell her that you are feeling insecure and that a hug from her right then would help you feel better.
I do....
that is when as I said above I'll sit and watch her email friends and play games and eventually forget I even asked.
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RE: The harder I try the worse it gets and I'm going to... - 11/10/2009 10:50:20 PM
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Anon101
Posts: 188
Joined: 10/21/2009
Status: offline
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I'm posting blind. I have not read the other responses so if I duplicate advise/info, that is why.
First off, I'm sorry you are going through this. It is horribly difficult to not feel loved or get any affection in a marriage.
From a female and personal perspective I found myself deflecting my husband's hugs after a really bad week where I let resentment build up. That is why honest communication is so important in a marriage not just surface talk. This is where a good, Christian marriage counselor will be of great help to you both.
In the meantime, I would sit down with her and ask her some pointed questions. Tell her you don't want her to tell you what she thinks you want to hear, but you want to hear THE TRUTH no matter what it is.
There is a reason she has closed up and is not receptive to you. She is just choosing not to tell you. She may open up if there is a objective third party in the room (i.e. - marriage counselor).
Again, I'm sorry you are going through this. It is tough. I pray that the Lord will fill you with HIS love and soften your wife's heart, too.
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