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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/8/2009 1:53:46 PM
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manda59
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I don't think this is about the "other" parents, because you have no authority over them; this is about your child disobeying you and deceiving you, which was his/her choice. You need to follow through with consequences for your child.
Unless of course what they allowed is against the law, in which case they need to be reported to the police.
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"It is a serious stellar day when I agree with both Ruth and Manda." Surpassing Peace, November 2009
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/8/2009 4:56:18 PM
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silent12
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I would say that there is the other parents are unlikely to listen to you and probably see you as too strict and they think that they are in the right and you are in the wrong. If you do have to confront them, say once that you disagreed with what they did etc. and that by going against your requests that they have lost your trust and in the future you hope that they will understand how important this is to you; they won't care but if your kids get married then you might be grateful that you remained polite through it.
I also think that this is a matter you will have to discuss with your daughter and explain that there are rules for a reason etc. depending on what it is.
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/8/2009 5:09:58 PM
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stellaluna
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Are the things they're allowing on your absolute "no" list or are they things that you feel your child hasn't grown into yet...something that they earn with age and proving responsibility, etc.
I don't condone the lying and all that, just trying to get a feel for the situation.
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/9/2009 1:50:49 AM
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Memaw.
Posts: 1583
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From: Sunflower State
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This is my youngest (step)daughter.
The parents and the grandparents allowed our daughter to stay the night at their homes and sleep in the same bed with the son (grandson).
When we found out about the grandparents allowing it (2AM), they moved our daughter to one of her friends home before we could drive to their home to get her.
The grandparents wouldn't come out of their bedroom when my husband attempted to confront them about it (3AM after we located our daughter and had her in our car.)
The parents have separated (other reasons) since it happened at their home, but we just found out about it yesterday. They won't answer phone calls and no one will give us addresses so we can go to their homes to discuss.
I work with a former Sheriff Deputy who told me that when the g-parents moved our daughter (after we found out she was there and were on our way to get her), that could be considered as kidnapping and advised us to make a police report. I'm not sure I want to go to that extreme, but no one in that family even has the decency to take our calls or answer their door.
The issue is mainly between our daughter and us regarding the lying and sneaking around, but the parents and g-parents have some responsibility in this matter as well as our daughter is not an adult and did not have our permission to stay at either home over night.
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If you don't believe King Jesus and his saints will be riding white horses when he returns to the earth, then you can just walk and I will ride.
John G. Hall
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/9/2009 7:12:14 AM
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Sunnymom
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
I don't think this is about the "other" parents, because you have no authority over them; this is about your child disobeying you and deceiving you, which was his/her choice. You need to follow through with consequences for your child.
Unless of course what they allowed is against the law, in which case they need to be reported to the police.
While I agree that this is more about your dd disobeying and lying to you, and she should be facing some serious consequences at home, it sounds to me as if these people are violating the law, since your dd is a minor. How old is the boyfriend, btw? I'd file a police report so that there is documentation of the difficulties you are having, and therefore if the situation escalates, you'll have some legal muscles ready.
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/9/2009 10:08:32 AM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Memaw.
This is my youngest (step)daughter.
The parents and the grandparents allowed our daughter to stay the night at their homes and sleep in the same bed with the son (grandson).
Could I just ask what you thought she was doing that night? (and how old she is?)
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"It is a serious stellar day when I agree with both Ruth and Manda." Surpassing Peace, November 2009
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/9/2009 10:27:29 AM
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GregandJenny
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From: Near Seattle Washington
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Was your daughter supposed to be home rather than there?
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/9/2009 10:53:45 AM
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Memaw.
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She had asked permission to stay the night with one of her girlfriends.
_____________________________
If you don't believe King Jesus and his saints will be riding white horses when he returns to the earth, then you can just walk and I will ride.
John G. Hall
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/9/2009 10:56:44 AM
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GregandJenny
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quote:
The issue is mainly between our daughter and us regarding the lying and sneaking around, but the parents and g-parents have some responsibility in this matter as well as our daughter is not an adult and did not have our permission to stay at either home over night.
Did she lie to them as well?
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It does not have to be well with my circumstance to be well with my soul!
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/9/2009 10:58:03 AM
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Memaw.
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No, her and her boyfriend (he is now 18 she is 17) planned with parents and grandparents to stay night.
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If you don't believe King Jesus and his saints will be riding white horses when he returns to the earth, then you can just walk and I will ride.
John G. Hall
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/9/2009 11:10:06 AM
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GregandJenny
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quote:
The issue is mainly between our daughter and us regarding the lying and sneaking around, but the parents and g-parents have some responsibility in this matter as well as our daughter is not an adult and did not have our permission to stay at either home over night
You say they planned the night, but did they know she was lying or did your daughter say you guys said it was ok?
My thought is that if you don't want to follow a police report there is really nothing you can do here Memaw. Your daughter really has to be held accountable for her actions and severe consequences are in order, but you really can't force the other parents to talk.
Praying for you!
_____________________________
It does not have to be well with my circumstance to be well with my soul!
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/9/2009 11:15:36 AM
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manda59
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Are the boy and his family Christians?
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"It is a serious stellar day when I agree with both Ruth and Manda." Surpassing Peace, November 2009
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/9/2009 11:57:20 AM
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doinkdom
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Your daughter knew the rules. (and made a choice)
She deliberately broke them. (still a choice)
She must deal with the consequences.
I would think it is fairly simple. You do have a responsibility to her with caring for her, etc. but you are not responsible for her actions in this matter and I would not treat this any differently with whatever consequences there might be.
I am a little confused why the other parents/grandparents aren't willing to talk with you unless they're not willing to admit their part in the situation; are embarrassed by their own lack of discernment in the matter or are so worldly, they wouldn't have a problem with inappropriate teenage behavior.
Regardless...I'd stick to my convictions.
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/9/2009 7:30:55 PM
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bolt.
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It's ridiculous to expect other adults to enforce moral choices over your children, even if they did agree with your values, which they clearly don't. There was never any reason you should have expected this of them, and they bear no 'responsibility' for not living up to your wishful expectations.
They are accountable for any direct lies they told you. By doing so they have sinned against you (which matters if they claim Christianity) and lost your trust. So you don't trust them any more, and you don't consider them appropriate supervisors / chaperons in any situations that you are aware are going on.
Other than that, they did nothing but offer your (step) daughter the opportunity to make a choice for or against a behaviour you have taught her against. She chose for.
You are not your partners in this, and there is no need to discuss anything with them... unless you need to follow Matt 18 about the lying.
She is accountable for all actions, not them -- unless they pressured her, which would add some accountability to them.
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/9/2009 10:54:42 PM
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buckifn
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My feeling as a parent and a grandparent is this- if you made the choice to allow your daughter/son spend the night somewhere then you are making a choice to accept the judgment of another person to decide what is right or wrong for your child.
That is one of the many reasons I would not and did not do sleepovers...at bedtime my kids were in bed at their own house.
There would be severe consequences for her regardless of the other peoples involvement. She knew better and defied you.
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/10/2009 8:25:46 AM
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macokjc
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The other person lied to you. Now you know that you can't trust them. You can even confront them about it so that they know that YOU know, but don't expect them to admit wrongdoing.
I think the much bigger issue here is your daughter's deceitfulness. Maybe you have already dealt strongly with it, and this is just a two-pronged problem, but I see your OP as trying to blame the parents/grandparents for leading your child astray and allowing her to get away with it.
Any child near the age of 18 is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. She willfully disobeyed you, and broke your trust. You can't make her end the relationship. However, you can make sure that outside of school, she is never out of your (or a responsible adult's) sight. I think that if I had done this in high school, I would not have seen the light of day until I went to college.
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/10/2009 8:41:53 AM
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creationtalk
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quote:
The other parents allow their child to do things that you do not allow your child to do and you find out they have allowed your child to do something that you have specifically told your child and other parents they are not allowed to do.
I don't allow my son to watch TV. His babysitters and friend's moms know this...but he watches TV while at their homes. I know that this will be allowed and have made the choice to accept it. If you know that they allow their child to do something you don't want your child to do, then you have to accept that they will not understand why you don't allow something so will allow your child to do this thing while at their house...you have to decide if you can accept this or if you will not allow your child to spend time at the home of these other parents.
quote:
The other parents hid this information from you even to the point of lying to you when asked. This also extends up to the (other) grandparents allowing things to happen and hiding and lying to you.
You find out.
What do you do?
If they lied about it and deliberately hid things from me...then it means that these people are untrustworthy and I will not put them in a position of having contact with my child in anyway that puts them in a position where they can overrule my decisions/rules.
As far as the legal thing...you may want to point out that in enabling your child to stay in a home where she does not have parental approval they are guilty of aiding in the delinquency of a minor and could face jail and/or lose their own children for this. Plus as already pointed out, by moving her in the middle of the night to a place where you don't know where she is...kidnapping...which has some pretty stiff legal consequences as well. I'm not necessarily suggesting a legal battle, charges, etc., simply pointing out to these people that their actions are not merely helping your daughter to defy you, but are also against the law.
Of course, the fact that step-daughter is nearly an adult complicates things. However, as long as she is living under your roof, supported by you, then she has an obligation to abide by your rules, regardless of her age.
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/10/2009 9:09:56 AM
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buckifn
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Another thing- what does her dad say about this and is it his parent's or yours?
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/10/2009 10:18:03 AM
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Memaw.
Posts: 1583
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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The parents are former friends of ours, we have known them for years.
Our daughter and their son grew up together and developed a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship when she was 15.
They claim to be Christian, but who knows?
When their children were younger, they claimed Jehova Witness as their religion, then there was a divorce. They remarried each other after a year or so and started going to a First Christian Church.
My husband and I attended their wedding and as I said were good friends.
When our daughter and their son began dating, there were rules set forth on both sides.
One was that the kids were not to be alone at each others homes. There had to be a parent present, not just an adult as they both have adult siblings, but we made it clear it had to be a parent.
It was made clear there were to be no "over nights" at all.
Period.
The grandparents involved are the boyfriends paternal parents.
This was a place we allowed our daughter to go with her boyfriend to watch movies or have dinner, as long as there was one of the grandparents in the home.
When we found out about the attempted staying the night at grandparents home, we contacted boyfriends parents (who are separated again) so they could be informed of what paternal grandparents had attempted to allow.
Mom was not surprised that they were going to allow it, and Dad sort of blew it off saying things like "kids will be kids" and "don't we remember how we were when we were kids?".
Sure I remember!!
I also remember my parents not allowing things like this and getting into serious trouble for lying and trying to sneak.
Since the situation with the grandparents, we have found out the parents allowed it to happen in their home as well.
We have tried to contact parents with no reply.
Phone, email, text.
I just want to know why they would allow something in their home when it was discussed and we thought everyone was on the same page.
I guess I just expect others to follow through and stand firm where they have drawn the line.
I'm sick to death of wishy washy parents who say one thing yet do something opposite.
Since this has happened, our daughter has been removed from our home to live with her bio mother (my husband and bio mom decision).
This wasn't something I agreed with, but since I am not her bio mom I didn't have a choice in the matter.
_____________________________
If you don't believe King Jesus and his saints will be riding white horses when he returns to the earth, then you can just walk and I will ride.
John G. Hall
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/10/2009 12:47:08 PM
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GraceyGirl
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So here's my take on it MeMaw.
There would be the following consequences in my home;
1 - DD would be so grounded that taking out the trash would become a pleasure. Bottom line is SHE broke the family rules, and there needs to be some serious consequences.
2 - While this other family is certainly not expected to hold to your moral convictions, the bottom line is that they did in fact break the law. I believe in most states it's still against the law to have sex with minors (check your state, seriously this is on the books) and even if she wasn't doing that, allowing her to sleep in the same bed with this boy would be viewed by any district attorney as contributing to the deliquency of a minor. Coupled with the fact that they MOVED her to a "secreted" place that you have to investigate to discover where she was. . .Ohhhhh I'd be on top of that like white on rice, and YES, I would involve the authorities. That is a HUGE HUGE issue for me.
Ultimately, you're going to have to make a decision about this, b/c if you don't act on it, she will continue to challenge your rules and she's getting to an age where very soon you won't be able to do much about it legally.
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/10/2009 10:00:32 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 1583
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From: Sunflower State
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Thank you all.
_____________________________
If you don't believe King Jesus and his saints will be riding white horses when he returns to the earth, then you can just walk and I will ride.
John G. Hall
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RE: The "Other" Parents - 11/11/2009 2:19:24 PM
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herestoresmysoul
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In the UK it is perfectly legal for a young person to have sex if they want to and choose to.Of course I know that it isnt what you wnat for her. if they are really determined to do that there is little you can do. In another year (or maybe less) she will be legally an adult so you will have no say at all.
She will have to be responsible for her own actions and decisions sometime. We cant always protect our kids from themselves sadly.
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