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Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/9/2009 9:25:33 PM
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deskjet
Posts: 8
Joined: 11/9/2009
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My wife loves me so much and I love her just the same. She is so caring, so loving, tells me everyday how much she love me, tells me I am also her best friend, holds me at night ect...
However, being married for over 10 years, we have no sex life. We have sex 1-2 times per month. I Feel the love sooo much emotionally, but not sexually. I wish I could take just 25% of the emotion part (still have 100% left over) and transform it to the sexuall part of it. I did mention about our sex life, she told me that "you need to initiate". When I do, I get all the excuses that are posted here. When we do have sex, I am the minute man because it is not very often.
From,
So much love
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/10/2009 7:57:51 AM
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PastorSteveMT
Posts: 109
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Hey there brother,
Can you offer up a few more details?
What are your ages and how long have you been married?
Has your sex life always been like this or has it changed recently?
Does your wife constantly reject your advances?
Any big life changes in the recent past? (ie. new child, moved, new job, etc)
Also, have you talked with her about her needs during sex to make sure that when you do have sex, that she is getting something fulfilling out of it as well? I know that women can often times only feel like a recepticle rather than a sexual partner involved in something fulfilling to the both of you.
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/10/2009 8:16:38 AM
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deskjet
Posts: 8
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Can you offer up a few more details?
What are your ages and how long have you been married?BOTH 40/MARRIED 11 YRS.
Has your sex life always been like this or has it changed recently? ALWAYS LIKE THIS
Does your wife constantly reject your advances? NO, I WOULD SAY I'M REJECTED 7 OUT OF 10 TIMES. SHE LOVES ROMANCE "THE LOOK"
Any big life changes in the recent past? (ie. new child, moved, new job, etc) NO, SHE CANT HAVE CHILDREN, FOUND OUT 8 YRS. AGO. We do work oposite hours. But I do see her 1-2 during the week, and every Friday & Sat & Sun.
Also, have you talked with her about her needs during sex to make sure that when you do have sex, that she is getting something fulfilling out of it as well? I WOULD SAY SHE IS FULFILLED 9 OUT OF 10 TIMES.
She even thought I was having an affair. She said "no guy can go that long without sex". But, I try an get rejected. Apparently she was very active with her EX-boyfriend of 12 years ago. Again, there is so much emotional love, just not sexual.
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/10/2009 8:32:41 AM
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PastorSteveMT
Posts: 109
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deskjet
Any big life changes in the recent past? (ie. new child, moved, new job, etc) NO, SHE CANT HAVE CHILDREN, FOUND OUT 8 YRS. AGO. We do work oposite hours. But I do see her 1-2 during the week, and every Friday & Sat & Sun.
She even thought I was having an affair. She said "no guy can go that long without sex". But, I try an get rejected. Apparently she was very active with her EX-boyfriend of 12 years ago. Again, there is so much emotional love, just not sexual.
A couple things based on the quotes above:
1) Spending the weekends together is great, but often times it's not enough to really build a closeness that may need to be there for her to respond to you sexually. If she is the romantic type (as most women are) she may need more time together to really make sure the emotional bond is there before the physical. You really need to discuss this with her. Let her know you are willing to do whatever it takes to forge a closer emotional bond with her throughout the week. Send her text's or voice mails throughout the week. Leave her notes around the house when you leave for work. Things like that.
2) Her age, coupled with the fact that she can't have children could be really playing havoc with her emotions right now. May not hurt to have a conversation with her. Does she feel that she has let you down in that you can't have children?
And an aside, your comment about her ex-boyfriend, could she have a lot of guilt stored up about their relationship? You state boyfriend, so I'm assuming they weren't married so they were having sex outside of marriage. Which if you two aren't Christians may not mean anything, but if you two are now Christians, maybe there is a lot of past guilt there that she needs to work through because it shouldn't be allowed to hurt your marriage.
Have you two really sat down and had a heart to heart talk about how you feel sexually rejected and that it makes you feel rejected as a man? I make no promises, but sometimes just laying out there openly, honestly but with compassion can be an eye opener to women. When they find out that they are causing pain to their spouse, it can trigger a change.
How is your communication regarding these matters? Can you openly talk about it or does it turn to an argument?
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/10/2009 10:26:31 AM
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AccountableChristian
Posts: 5
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Does she experience any pain during your times of intimacy?
Do you think that your anatomy versus her anatomy can be an issue? or is there certain sexual activities that are causing her pain or embarassment?
Most men don't have the exact same size and shaped anatomy as the next. Or even the same sexual activities that they prefer as the next. Look for the differences between you and her past boyfriend, or changes in her anatomy since the previous relationship.
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/10/2009 10:40:37 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 8023
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From: Lone Star State
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I can understand your frustration.
But I ask you this - If you are the "minute man" how can you also say she fulfilled 9 times out of ten? 
As you are the one to initiate the act - Are you doing the same thing time and time again, or are you "spicing" it up? I'm not suggesting anything sinful like watching movies or the such, but what about the kitchen island, or in the backyard (if it's private). Take her camping and do it there. Get a hotel room and wine and dine her. Use your imagination.
As you said, you do have the weekends together and the mood should be able to be set in that time frame. Be playful. The goal is to want her to want you too.
But overall remember this - Aside from the sex you say you know you are loved by her. THAT is most important thing of all that will carry the marriage through thick and thin. Make sure she knows you love that same way.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/10/2009 2:20:38 PM
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southserve
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quote:
We do work oposite hours. But I do see her 1-2 during the week, and every Friday & Sat & Sun.
You would need to discount from the list the days when you DO NOT see her - diverging schedules can sour a relationship, especially in the bedroom. After 11 years you guys are conditioned to live this way - it's probably just now that you have reached your limit. I think a sex therapist might be able to help. If she loves you like you say she does, maybe it's just a libido problem......
_____________________________
"BE JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER" Romans 12:12
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/10/2009 8:05:46 PM
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deskjet
Posts: 8
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Thanks for all the replies. I will try and answer your questions, short and sweet.
She started leaving me notes on the table, it was always good morning baby, love you, call me baby, have a good day, ect.. Slowly, I tried leaving sexual ones, but still receive the same. So, I stopped the notes. Her response was "no love notes anymore", So, the notes started again, but still the same ole. Someone mentioned text her, I did today, I said how sexy she looked in her new dress she just bought. She text message me back with "Love You"
Children is not a problem. She said I could leave her, she would understand.
Communicate the rejections: Well, I had a conversation two weeks ago. I forgot what we were talking about. But, The reply was "keep it up you wont get anything" I said "I am use to it" She said: "well if you would initiate", I said I'm over it! A half hour latter she jumped my bones. Did I trigure something?
No pain at all during.
As someone replied: Due to scedules, we became conditioned that way. I think that is very true. It use to be worse when I worked 14 hrs. a day. Now I have a 9-5, but she works 2pm till 1 am
FROM WHAT I GOT OUT OF THE ADVICE:
-Spice it up just alittle more
-Scedules a problem
-I need to initiate more (hopefully not rejected)
-Tell her I feel so much love emotionally, just not sexually.
Thanks again for all your help! I can not believe I am spilling my guts on a message board! LOL
Thanks
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/11/2009 7:37:43 AM
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PastorSteveMT
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Just a quick note.
From what you say, it sounds like all of your notes or texts were always in some way or another, sexually oriented. It isn't that writting sexually charged notes to your spouse is bad, but if that is ALL they are, it can be a turn off to a woman.
It's no different than evey time you go to hug your wife you grab a boob or something. It's playful to us, but can make them feel like a piece of meat.
These things every so often I think are fine, but there needs to be romantic notes and non sexual advances and touches too.
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/11/2009 7:16:27 PM
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deskjet
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Thats the problem, too many Romantic notes, this went on for months! I thought I'd try, so just recently, I just started leaving maybe 2 out of 10 notes with sexual "hints" and nothing in return.
I just feel so smothered by romance, love, careing, ect..
Dont get me wrong, I would not trade it for the world. However, there is that something else that I feel is lost inside. There is just so much love, just not in the right departments.
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/15/2009 11:49:09 PM
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rayofson
Posts: 10247
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Often a woman has to warm up to the idea. Some need a long period of time throughout the day with affection and non-sexual physical touch just to get them in the mood. Spend some time holding hands, snuggling, back rubs etc. throughout the day.
I've heard it said that men are like microwave ovens...and women are like slow cookers. So keep her on low simmer all day.
_____________________________
Please don't feed the Ogre.
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/17/2009 2:13:25 PM
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deskjet
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I've heard it said that men are like microwave ovens...and women are like slow cookers. So keep her on low simmer all day.
_____________________________
That is the best advice I received! It will take time, but seems to be working! Was told "we need to do that more often".
Let it simmer! Man, feels like I'm back in the dateing scene, LOL
great advice!
Thanks!
< Message edited by deskjet -- 11/17/2009 2:25:02 PM >
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/17/2009 4:43:14 PM
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dnp200450
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Hopefully it does not take YEARS to simmer!
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/17/2009 10:12:41 PM
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wishoosier
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I understand how you feel. I'm not trying to one-up you, but you should realize that 1-2 times per month would be considered a great improvement by a lot of married guys.
I am in a similar situation, that the emotional content of the marriage and family health is all very good, but the sexual area is greatly under-fulfilled, and I have a hard time getting my wife to understand that the sexual part IS physical, but it is also emotional, and that I feel loved and affirmed through sex.
I can't tell you to "just do this" or "be patient, and it'll happen."You have to pray to love her, and pray that she'll begin to respond.
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/18/2009 12:02:13 AM
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dnp200450
Posts: 397
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quote:
I understand how you feel. I'm not trying to one-up you, but you should realize that 1-2 times per month would be considered a great improvement by a lot of married guys.
I can't tell you to "just do this" or "be patient, and it'll happen."You have to pray to love her, and pray that she'll begin to respond.
The problem is that the other person has to want to respond or change. If she doesn't, nothing is going to force her too. God tends to open door and give people choices. Sometimes they choose to go with him, sometimes against him. Even salvation is a choice. Less than 1-2 times a month does not seem right to me!
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/18/2009 7:50:36 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 8023
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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quote:
Let it simmer! Man, feels like I'm back in the dateing scene, LOL Why would any married man feel he didn't have to continue to date and court his wife?
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/18/2009 9:04:55 AM
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deskjet
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What I ment was the "games" that go along with dateing. I look forward to the time I spend/date with my wife. For the little time we see each other thoughout the week.
From,
let it simmer
< Message edited by deskjet -- 11/18/2009 2:23:41 PM >
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/18/2009 11:25:13 AM
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rayofson
Posts: 10247
Joined: 4/11/2005
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_____________________________
Please don't feed the Ogre.
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/18/2009 11:43:08 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 8023
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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The "games" that go along with dating are just that - games. Games are supposed to be fun. Have fun, play the games.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/18/2009 2:19:52 PM
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deskjet
Posts: 8
Joined: 11/9/2009
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quote:
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
So true, and i would not trade it for anything.
Simmer
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RE: Wife Loves Me So Much, But No Sex - 11/18/2009 8:27:14 PM
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Concerto
Posts: 129
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Very challenging issue. I can relate. After nearly 13 years of marriage, I am, for the most part, almost living a life of celibacy. After a while, I just grow tired of even asking.
A few observations...
I do believe in prayer and patience, and putting forth love in spite a lack of physical intimacy...however, I do not believe that somehow intimacy is some prize gained after all the right words are spoken, or gifts given, or kindness shown. That is not biblical. Paul said that the couple should not deprive each other unless it is agreed upon. That, our bodies belong to each other.
Should a husband live a celibate life? Is that right? I understand of course if there is a physical condition that prevents the wife from intimacy, but, aside from that, what should the husband do?
I know that the husband should be considerate of the wife's feelings, but, there is a responsibility of the wife to fulfill her husband's physical needs.
C
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