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Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/9/2009 10:54:04 PM
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teacher1982
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/11/2009
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I had breast cancer a few years ago and a bilateral mastectomy. I went through all that and then had reconstruction surgery with implants. It's a very painful process and actually hurt more than the mastectomies. But I endured it - twelve weeks of saline injections to stretch the expandable implant; then surgery to replace it with the real implants; then nipple reconstruction; and finally aureola tattoos. The entire process took almost a year, but it was finally over and done.
I never adjusted well to the change in my appearance. I think that I would have accepted my chest if my (ex)husband hadn't deserted me during all that for a much younger woman (who I am sure had two lovely breasts).
Now, five years later I finally went back to the Cosmetic doctor because the implants are whop-sided, uneven, one is hard as a rock and the other one is 2 inches lower. He told me that I need to have them both replaced. The hard one has capsulated (I think that's the word) and too much scarring is there and needs to be removed and a new implant put in. The other side needs to be reshaped and more support around the "hole" on that side where my breast used to be and in which the implant resides. A new implant needs to be put in that side also.
I never expected to hear that. I was doing pretty good listening to the Doctor tell me all the things that needed to be done, but all I could think was "mastectomies all over again". When he said "Don't worry, I'll cut on the same scars", it really hit me and I broke down.
I thought it was over with. I thought that I had gone through it and was finished. I looked down at the big bumps on my chest that he calls breasts and thought "what's a few more scars?" I don't usually look at them. I have rejected and denied them every since the ex did. I ignore them, but am also aware of the pain and the muscle spasms they have. I have noticed how uneven they are and that now it even shows with clothes on. But I never thought I would have to be cut open again.
Even though it's not to take out cancer (as far as the Doctor knows), I know that I will be lying on the table exposed, gapped open and breast-less. It may be for only a little while, and I will be asleep. But once again, I will be breast-less and lying there with two wide gapping empty holes where once my beautiful breasts were.
I have done nothing but cry this evening since getting back from the Doctor although I have tried to get my mind on other things by posting in other OPs. But it hurts. It's bringing back all the memories of the first mastectomies. The pain. The fear. The coldness and emptiness of my chest. Once again I will come home with drains and fresh scars and pain in my chest so badly that I won't be able to move both arms to even reach up in a cabinet for weeks. And once again, I will go through it alone. Because the first time "he" was there, but he deserted me. And this time I am really alone without even someone in the same house, even though he was only there in body, but not in mind and spirit.
How do I go through this again? I thought it was over. It's never going to be over, is it?
Does anyone understand how I feel? How much more mutilation do I have to endure?
Forgive me ladies, but I'm just upset right now. I thought it was over......
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/9/2009 10:59:30 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
Posts: 3404
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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(((teacher)))
I hope this isn't insensitive but can you just wear um... prosthetics on the outside? My husband's grandmother had her right breast removed some years ago and I know she just has a prosthetic on that side. If she hadn't tossed it across the room to me one day I would have never noticed 
_____________________________
Ryanne- trying hard to be my husband's girlfriend and my daughter's mother.
I'll keep my guns, freedom, and money- you can keep "the change."
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/9/2009 11:13:49 PM
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teacher1982
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/11/2009
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You're not being insensitive at all. If I had the nerve I would just tell the Doctor to remove these things and sew me up. I asked about it and his nurse, who is also his wife, told me that she felt it would be too emotionally painful for me to go through. After five years of everything, only to go home with a flat (concave) and empty chest. Yes, I could get fitted with bras and some people look pretty good. Actually, it's not that part that is hurting me so much. It's the thought of being opened up again and lying on the table with two empty gapping holes where my breasts once were. I thought I'd been through it all and that was behind me. I never dreamed that I would have to be opened up and my chest emptied again. Whether they put new implants in again or not, he has to cut out the excess scar tissue and I'll come home with drains, a sore chest, and unable to use both arms for a while. I'll be starting all over.
I'll make it through it. I did before and I can do it again. I just wasn't expecting it. I just saw the doctor today, so it's fresh news and it hurts. It's bringing all the pain of that season of my life right back to the forefront.
I can get through it. I just never expected to have to go through it again. I thought it was over...
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/9/2009 11:41:49 PM
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MissInnocent
Posts: 646
Joined: 5/3/2005
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I'm gonna go with Mrs. Wifey and suggest the prostetics(sp). I knew a lady that ended up with severe health issues due to implants she got after cancer surgery. Because of that I resolved that if I God forbid had to get my breasts removed I'd just do the Ann Jillian thing. I hope all goes well for you. *hug*
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/10/2009 8:50:27 AM
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teacher1982
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/11/2009
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It's making a choice between two horrible choices. Neither is good. Either a woman goes home with a concave chest (not flat, concave!!) or she gets implants and tries to look somewhat like a woman. You don't know what you will do until you face it. It's horrible. No way to describe the feelings involved in the entire process - from the dreaded words "you have cancer", all the way to full recovery. And then to have to go through the surgery all over again (most of it) is very difficult to deal with. I thought I had put it behind me. I feel like someone had a lasso and slung it at me and is now dragging me into the past to go though it all over again. And this time I am alone. At least the first time I had a husband (although he left me a little while later).
I'll make it through this just like I've made it through everything else. I may not come out so good afterward, but I get through it. Just more permanent wounds and damage to live with that never goes away.
It's life. It's reality. Deal with it!! (This is what I am telling myself today.)
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/10/2009 9:31:30 AM
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Mrs.Wifey
Posts: 3404
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From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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I'm sorry it's so hard. I'm sure that is compounded by being alone and having to face it all alone as well.
_____________________________
Ryanne- trying hard to be my husband's girlfriend and my daughter's mother.
I'll keep my guns, freedom, and money- you can keep "the change."
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/10/2009 10:28:49 AM
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Memaw.
Posts: 1580
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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Teacher,
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you or some way to make this go away.
The only thing I do have are prayers and this one word that keeps going through my head.
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.
_____________________________
If you don't believe King Jesus and his saints will be riding white horses when he returns to the earth, then you can just walk and I will ride.
John G. Hall
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/10/2009 11:50:24 AM
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agapetos
Posts: 9743
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
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Teacher, have you actually been offered (and received) counselling for all of this? It really does sound as though you need someone to talk to about it.
When I had a (very different) medical procedure a few years ago, I talked a lot about it to a nurse, and also went to a site online for support.
_____________________________
Stovie, Stovie, what am I going to do with you!
Maggie
September 09
My blog
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/10/2009 12:57:28 PM
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teacher1982
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/11/2009
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I have had some counseling. At the time of the original mastectomies, I had medical insurance coverage and saw a counselor who had experienced the same type of cancer and same surgeries.
Now I have no insurance, so no counseling.
I don't think counseling would help. It's something that I have to do through and I can. I've been through worse. It was just a shock yesterday and totally unexpected. I dread it. But I'll make it like I have everything else.
I may be the walking bleeding wounded, but I'm still walking. Probably eventually something will knock me down for good - like the straw that broke the camels back, but until then I'll keep on taking one day at a time and deal with whatever is dished out.
Nothing good happens to me, so you'd think I'd get used to it, wouldn't you.
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/10/2009 1:04:07 PM
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agapetos
Posts: 9743
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From: This side of the lil duck pond!
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quote:
Nothing good happens to me, so you'd think I'd get used to it, wouldn't you. You know something... I could say exactly the same thing...
You have had good things happen to you. You have children, you have health (yes, you've had cancer, but you're clear of that). You have God.
God never ever promised us an easy life.
You have my sympathy for having to go through these medical procedures again. But how you choose to live your life or not is your decision.
It is not wrong to sit and cry over some aspect of our life but it is wrong to stay in that position.
_____________________________
Stovie, Stovie, what am I going to do with you!
Maggie
September 09
My blog
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/10/2009 5:11:24 PM
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laughinggirl
Posts: 219
Joined: 8/2/2005
From: Dallas, TX
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I'm so very sorry you are having to go through this again. I can see how it would be overwhelming and re-open the grieving process for you. You have to grieve each new loss and each disappointment before you can just "get over it" or move on. Allow yourself time to do this without feeling guilty. (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
Bethany's Blog
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/11/2009 10:44:14 AM
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GraceyGirl
Posts: 347
Joined: 6/4/2006
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What I'm hearing you say here is that it's not the issue of breasts or no breasts, but rather the disappointment that you have to subject yourself to the PROCESS all over again.
My sister is a bilateral mastectomy. She opted for prosthesis (due largely in part to her active lifestyle and not wanting to deal with a year of surgery and recovery) but for her the issue wasn't about whether her boobs were attached or not. It was the violence of the surgery itself. She had some issues a couple years back, and they had to go in and remove some scar tissue and some weird tissue that had grown back that was unexpected. She was devestated over having to have this done. More drains, more VULNERABILITY and less independence. For those of you who don't know, you can't work the drains by yourself, it requires help. And you have these things hanging out of you, draining fluid. It's miserable. Julie would cry when I would deal with her drains, and it broke my heart.
While I tend to lean toward the counseling aspect (don't hold it against me, after all it's what I do!) I understand the obstacles in the way. A LOT of cities have support groups in local hospitals for women who've had breast cancer. Perhaps the support group might be something to consider rather than one on one counseling? At the very least, you'd be with other women who understand how you're feeling.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My prayers are with you.
_____________________________
God called. He'd like His church back.
~John Wimber~
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/11/2009 12:24:31 PM
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teacher1982
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/11/2009
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quote:
What I'm hearing you say here is that it's not the issue of breasts or no breasts, but rather the disappointment that you have to subject yourself to the PROCESS all over again.
Exactly. The Doctor didn't act like he suspected more cancer, although he assured me that he would look to see if he saw anything suspicious. I believe he said that to reassure me. It's just going through the entire process again, like you said. Being cut open and lying there on the table with two empty holes where my breasts once were. I worked hard to get through the cancer experience. The entire thing took a year. And it was very difficult, but I made it. I thought it was behind me and now I am vulnerable and open again to the same trauma - only difference is the breast tissue and cancer has already been removed.
I'll be sore, have fresh scars and stitches and drains. I live alone and it won't be easy to take care of myself, but I have to. There just isn't anyone who can come and stay with me or any place that I can go where someone can help me. That's just the way my life has been since my husband abandoned me after the first time.
So my goal now is to get my apartment set up so everything is handy. I'll have a stock of groceries and everything I need in easy reach. Both arms will be sore and it will hurt to reach, so things will be sitting on the counter tops instead of in the cabinets. My mind is working and thinking of all the things that I need to prepare for when I get home. When a person is alone, this is what they have to do. No choice.
I don't have a date yet. I'm waiting on the insurance authorization. I might even put it past the Holidays if it's okay with the Doctor. I'm uncomfortable and hurting, but I want to go and spend time with my family for Christmas. So we'll see.
I'm adjusting to what is going to happen. It won't be easy, but I can do it. Maybe the shock is wearing off and I am now in the "fix-it and prepare-for" mode. That's what we women do.
I don't know of a support group. I may check into finding one if I feel like it would be helpful. But I have never been the type of person to join in with others and share all my problems and listen to theirs. It's kinda depressing and fills a person's mind up with problems. I want to get through this and put it behind me. I can't find a new life until I get this in the past. (if you have read the "Singles thread - Are you bitter or angry", you will understand what I mean.)
Thank you Gracey for your understanding and prayers.
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/11/2009 12:50:20 PM
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doinkdom
Posts: 5585
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The higher lowcountry
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I don't know about a support group, but do you have a group of friends at church that can help you out during this time...running errands, replacing grocery items, preparing meals for you, cleaning your house, etc?
I would certainly reach out to them if you can.
I also found that one of those grabbit gadgets that act as an extension of your armreach proved beneficial.
_____________________________
Rest assured, dear friends, that where your pleasure is, there your heart is.
- Charles Spurgeon
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/11/2009 3:56:57 PM
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teacher1982
Posts: 190
Joined: 10/11/2009
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quote:
do you have a group of friends at church that can help you out during this time...running errands, replacing grocery items, preparing meals for you, cleaning your house, etc? No, I don't. I'm pretty isolated in my life right now (long story). I have been looking for a church for a long time and have visited several. I think the one I visited last Sunday night may be where I end up going, but I don't know anyone there yet and wouldn't even think to ask them for help. They were very friendly, and in time I am sure that they would help, but not this soon. If asked, they probably would, but I won't ask.
I hadn't thought of one of the grabbit gadgets, but that's a good idea. I remember that it hurt my chest for a long time if I used my arms. Couldn't even fix my hair for a couple of weeks. I'm gonna have my apartment all fixed "user friendly" before the surgery and have everything within easy reach. Don't know the date yet and it may be January if the Doctor agrees. That way I can go and see my children for Christmas, plus have plenty of time to get prepared.
Strangest thing - I have wanted to call my ex and tell him about this and have had to fight the urge since I got the news on Monday. I keep asking myself why would I want to tell him? The answer is because I want him to care. Then I ask myself why would I think that he would care now if he didn't care the first time and we were married then? I have to talk to myself and remind myself over and over that he does not care, didn't care then, and sure wouldn't care now. He doesn't need to know. Yet in my heart, I still want to reach out to my "other half". He still seems such a part of me and my life, after over 3 years of him living with another woman. Weird, huh?
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RE: Bilateral Mastectomy all over again! - 11/11/2009 4:06:21 PM
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doinkdom
Posts: 5585
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The higher lowcountry
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Well maybe by January you'll feel different since it's a couple of months away...maybe that's something to pray for.
And no, you're not weird...many spouses deal with those feelings.
_____________________________
Rest assured, dear friends, that where your pleasure is, there your heart is.
- Charles Spurgeon
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