|
|
|
|
|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/16/2009 9:37:39 PM
|
|
|
blueeyedgirl2
Posts: 2230
Joined: 8/31/2008
Status: offline
|
I've been thinking about this post for a good couple weeks. I hope I can portray what I want to ask. My hope is that single parents and those of you who aren't parents yet, but who have maybe thought about this issue would also share your thoughts.
I know many of you are single parents. And most, I believe, if not all, are single parents not by choice, but because your spouse passed away, or because you went through a divorce.
I'm curious about a few things:
1- Knowing what you do about being a single parent, what would you say to someone who is thinking about adopting a child as a single parent? Is it a crazy idea? Do you think it could work with enough support from other family members?
2- I read somewhere (Focus on the Family maybe?) that choosing this could be just the feeding of a selfish need of wanting to be a parent. What do you think about that?
3- Probably most importantly, what do you think God would say?
4- Any other thoughts?
FYI: At this point I have no plans to adopt, but if I am still single three or so years from now it is something I would consider.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/16/2009 10:04:21 PM
|
|
|
John_O
Posts: 7808
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
1- Knowing what you do about being a single parent, what would you say to someone who is thinking about adopting a child as a single parent? Is it a crazy idea? Do you think it could work with enough support from other family members?
I would think (a) that person was insane and (b) that's cruel to the child (in most cases).
In some rare cases with incredible support from family (The opposite sex parent stand-in has to be incredibly trustworthy and stable) it might work. If it wasn't for M's mom me and the Girl would not be making it (And I have my days when I don't think we are making it well at all even with her help)
God designed us to need two parents. Each provides a separate and necessary component to our child's formation.
quote:
2- I read somewhere (Focus on the Family maybe?) that choosing this could be just the feeding of a selfish need of wanting to be a parent. What do you think about that?
I agree with them. If you have the money to pay for an adoption, and you're really concerned about the well being of the child, sponsor a married Christian couple who want to but cannot afford it.
quote:
3- Probably most importantly, what do you think God would say?
We have a responsibility to provide for the widows and the orphans, but God designed children to need two parents. I don't think He'd be too keen on intentionally forcing a child into a single parent home.
quote:
4- Any other thoughts?
I think I am an incredible banshee pilot (Maybe I've been playing too much halo?)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/16/2009 10:21:59 PM
|
|
|
jhuperetes
Posts: 472
Status: offline
|
I believe it can work without any support. It very much depends on the child and your readiness.
In general I have a "beef" with people who go overseas and adopt children from various countries. There are only two reasons one would adopt children from somewhere else other then their own native country. Money, and convenience.
If you truly want to make a difference, adopt those children here in the US whom are considered unadoptable.
I do not necessarily agree with Focus on the Family. Although adoption can be a selfish act, even a boasting, I do not see how they can see into everyone's heart and mind. If what you write is true, then they are using very broad brush on this one... it borders ridiculous. Maybe I need to read the whole article to grasp what they are saying.
I don't know what God would say, but I do know I will do something once my kids are out of my house. It might be fostering, adopting, but something to help the orphans. I have a time.
I think the most important in this is what God is saying to you.
quote:
ORIGINAL: blueeyedgirl2
1- Knowing what you do about being a single parent, what would you say to someone who is thinking about adopting a child as a single parent? Is it a crazy idea? Do you think it could work with enough support from other family members?
2- I read somewhere (Focus on the Family maybe?) that choosing this could be just the feeding of a selfish need of wanting to be a parent. What do you think about that?
3- Probably most importantly, what do you think God would say?
4- Any other thoughts?
< Message edited by jhuperetes -- 11/16/2009 10:28:59 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/16/2009 10:46:14 PM
|
|
|
blueeyedgirl2
Posts: 2230
Joined: 8/31/2008
Status: offline
|
John_O. . . everything you wrote are things that have entered my mind as well. I guess my thoughts are that there are so many children that need homes, so why wouldn't a Christian single parent with a strong support system be better than a life in the foster system or in an orphanage? God did create us to need the love and care of a father and mother. I totally agree with that. And for the record. . .this is exactly why I'm asking the question. . . so you guys can help me work through it before I make any decisions.
jhuperetes . . . thanks for sharing. I believe though, that international adoptions are significantly more expensive than domestic ones. I suppose it depends if it's a private adoption or an adoption through the state. I think I heard the "selfish" thing on a Focus on the Family broadcast, but I'm not 100% sure. It could have been on Family Life. Regardless, it was on a Christian broadcast of some sort.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 9:35:39 AM
|
|
|
WalkingwithHim2
Posts: 2468
Joined: 12/13/2007
Status: offline
|
I disagree. What is selfish and or cruel about it? Do you prefer that these children remain orphans? Do realize how many needed a good home and ended up never being adopted? Or should we, as "good christians", just do nothing because ... wait let's all cry again "We aren't married so we are useless and/or worthless".
Is it difficult being a single parent ... of course!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 10:04:31 AM
|
|
|
Tinkerbell_
Posts: 8034
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
|
I hardly think I'm useless/worthless, but I do know that parenting is best done with two parents and if a child doesn't have to be in a single parent home, then why do it?
Most of us here are single parents not because we want to, but because circumstances made it that way.
_____________________________
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 10:05:27 AM
|
|
|
WalkingwithHim2
Posts: 2468
Joined: 12/13/2007
Status: offline
|
So it is better for the child to remain in an orphanage setting than be adopted by a loving single parent?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 10:34:22 AM
|
|
|
Tinkerbell_
Posts: 8034
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
|
To be honest neither are good options. If I had to chose between the two? That would be very difficult.
I know the "correct" answer, but in the long run, I just don't know.
_____________________________
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 10:53:26 AM
|
|
|
Grace-N-Mercy
Posts: 4326
Joined: 5/2/2005
Status: offline
|
I was listening to a radio program the other day and a lady was lamenting about her adoption procedures. She and her husband decided that overseas adoption would be the path of least resistance... it was supposed to be faster. But it was around 4-5 years before they were finally selected. Apparently, the demand is so great and the tension between the countries is making things difficult, that it is slowing the procedure. I did not get to listen to the entire program, however.
Adopting from the foster care system can be very rewarding for some. I remember these two little boys... one was sooo loving and sweet... he was 7 years old and had his younger brother with him. I will never forget him... he was treated badly at home and in a relative placement, but then had a wonderful time in foster care and in his new forever-home. He completed counseling as soon as he was in his new placement. That was a success story. The only one I have, by the way.  My advice would be to pray about what you're looking for... maybe you would like a house-full of teenage girls, or an older boy and a younger boy so one can "mentor" the other. Or maybe an infant from a very young mother. I'll be honest, foster children may have issues you are not aware of, depending on their prenatal care and upbringing. It can be challenging, but very, very rewarding too.
I have limited experience with the foster care system, but I'll share what little I know. You would likely work with an adoption agency... most are specialized, so they may work with foster care, or with young mothers, or with international adoptions. I have experience with foster care. There are "picnics" where you can go and meet the children (after you are screened, of course) and see if something develops. My church has "Faces of Adoption" where you walk through and see pictures of the smiling children and see their portfolio (or blurbs). There are also meetings where you are presented with a portfolio, including pictures of the children. In the ones I attended, the adoptive parents did not attend, but the case managers came. In the case of my 7-year-old, after my presentation, it was clear that one family stood out as the obvious choice. I liked what I heard about the family, so I went to meet them. The family met the children at McDonalds one evening after work, then went home to pray about it. The children liked them, they liked the children, and an adoption happened!!! 
If you were interested in a foster care adoption, you could become a foster parent first to see if this would be a good "fit" for you. I've known individuals who have done this, and some have a great experience with it. Yes, it is heartbreaking, but you never know which children will need your help... and which ones will stay in your heart. 
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 11:08:23 AM
|
|
|
WalkingwithHim2
Posts: 2468
Joined: 12/13/2007
Status: offline
|
Tink is that akin to saying .. since I can't give you a two parent home you don't deserve to have a home at all?
Not picking... just trying to understand how giving a child who desperately needs a home a forever home is selfish and or cruel.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 11:10:00 AM
|
|
|
BelleWeather
Posts: 719
Joined: 7/29/2009
From: New York City
Status: offline
|
1- Knowing what you do about being a single parent, what would you say to someone who is thinking about adopting a child as a single parent? Is it a crazy idea? Do you think it could work with enough support from other family members?
I don't think this is my business.
If a single person I knew where to adopt, I would wish them well and give them a gift
2- I read somewhere (Focus on the Family maybe?) that choosing this could be just the feeding of a selfish need of wanting to be a parent. What do you think about that?
I think there are married couples who give birth and adopt children for thoroughly selfish reasons. Is Focus on the Family interrogating those persons on their motives?
3- Probably most importantly, what do you think God would say?
The protection, care and adoption of the widow and orphan is mentioned around 40 times in the Bible. What does that tell you?
4- Any other thoughts?
Previous posters have mentioned that U.S. adoption law is cumbersome and inflexible--not entirely the whole story.
Many people wish to adopt unencumbered (no open adoption) healthy babies, a rare convenience in the U.S: more babies are adopted in private open adoptions in the U.S. than through public agencies than ever before, and many more illegitimate (for the lack of a better term) babies are kept by their single mothers. Because there are fewer babies available, some adoptive parents have a better chance in countries with larger numbers of orphans per capita, and looser adoption laws.
There are many children (disabled, chronically ill, abused, too old, wrong ethnicity, etc) in the U.S. who live their lives in the foster care system. Nobody wants these children.
Every American should question why these children have been abandoned to bureaucracy.
I don't particularly care what Christians think about this situation: too many are happy to ignore what was going on in their own backyards, more inclined to collect money, attention, and concern for others on a distant shore.
_____________________________
We think we fathom the depths
when we are just skimming the surface with our finger.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 11:55:21 AM
|
|
|
jhuperetes
Posts: 472
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: BelleWeather
There are many children (disabled, chronically ill, abused, too old, wrong ethnicity, etc) in the U.S. who live their lives in the foster care system. Nobody wants these children.
Every American should question why these children have been abandoned to bureaucracy.
I don't particularly care what Christians think about this situation: too many are happy to ignore what was going on in their own backyards, more inclined to collect money, attention, and concern for others on a distant shore.
Thank you.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 11:55:55 AM
|
|
|
WalkingwithHim2
Posts: 2468
Joined: 12/13/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: jhuperetes
quote:
ORIGINAL: BelleWeather
There are many children (disabled, chronically ill, abused, too old, wrong ethnicity, etc) in the U.S. who live their lives in the foster care system. Nobody wants these children.
Every American should question why these children have been abandoned to bureaucracy.
I don't particularly care what Christians think about this situation: too many are happy to ignore what was going on in their own backyards, more inclined to collect money, attention, and concern for others on a distant shore.
Thank you.
Tritto
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 12:02:41 PM
|
|
|
Tinkerbell_
Posts: 8034
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
|
I guess I don't think about that because the adoptions in my family (excluding me) have all been of special needs children.
I have about 10 cousins who were born addicted to drugs, born in prisons...so I guess I don't see US adoption as anything but hard to do.
_____________________________
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 12:47:39 PM
|
|
|
Psalms274
Posts: 2866
Status: offline
|
quote:
4- Any other thoughts?
Previous posters have mentioned that U.S. adoption law is cumbersome and inflexible--not entirely the whole story.
Many people wish to adopt unencumbered (no open adoption) healthy babies, a rare convenience in the U.S: more babies are adopted in private open adoptions in the U.S. than through public agencies than ever before, and many more illegitimate (for the lack of a better term) babies are kept by their single mothers. Because there are fewer babies available, some adoptive parents have a better chance in countries with larger numbers of orphans per capita, and looser adoption laws.
There are many children (disabled, chronically ill, abused, too old, wrong ethnicity, etc) in the U.S. who live their lives in the foster care system. Nobody wants these children.
Every American should question why these children have been abandoned to bureaucracy.
I don't particularly care what Christians think about this situation: too many are happy to ignore what was going on in their own backyards, more inclined to collect money, attention, and concern for others on a distant shore.
This is spot on Belle. There are so many unwanted children right here in our back yard who end up growing up in the foster system, which CAN BE a very difficult place for many children. Unfortunately the case workers in charge of these kids are so overworked (it is not unusual in some areas of the US for their load to be one worker for up to 100 children, especially since many of the government cuts come in this area first ... there is no money to lobby for the cause) with an average of 45 cases per worker. An ideal ratio would be 12- 15 per worker. Because of this, many children are placed in homes that are more interested in the stipend that goes with that child than that child's welfare.
One of the biggest arguments we hear from those who support abortion is there are so many unwanted children here already. They say it is unfair for a child to be born to a mother who does not want that child. It is a difficult one to argue with because so many of us (meaning those who claim to follow Christ) do not step up and welcome that child as our own. Christians should be known for adopting the unwanted, but so many, in fact I dare say most, do not because they do "feel called." Hogwash. We are charged to take care of orphans and widows period. Ironically it is the ones who are not financially stable enough who have the hearts for this and step up to do what we are told to do, and the ones who are more than capable financially that find reasons why they are not called. The truth is we want what we want, and if something gets in the way or it looks like it isn't going to be cakewalk (when God calls you to do something it is never a guarantee that it is going to be easy, in fact the road to obedience is often paved with difficulties, not smooth sailing) .. or we would have to give up too much, we walk away.
I am working very hard to be in the position to adopt. Not because I want to satisfy a longing, though I have always desired to be a wife and mom, I longed for the two to go together because I am very aware of how difficult it will be on my own (not to mention I have always been a hopeless romantic). I have had my own space for so long I selfishly long to keep that space, but I know that this is no excuse to do nothing. There are ways to establish a good support system for a single parent, and if a single person decides to adopt they need to be establishing a good, long term support system before they do so. Speak to those who have adopted and find out what you may encounter so that you will be prepared. Is a single person as well equipped as a couple? Of course not, but God is able to do immeasurably more than we can ever ask or imagine. He promises to supply all our needs according to His riches in glory, and He is faithful to complete what He has begun. When we do what He has told us to do, He provides a way to get it done, even if we are unable at the time to see how it could possibly work.
I have one more thing to say ... some may think it is a grand calling to adopt. But as Jesus said in Luke 17:7-10 "Will any one of you who has a servant plowing or keeping sheep say to him when he has come in from the field, 'Come at once and recline at table'? Will he not rather say to him, 'Prepare supper for me, and dress properly, and serve me while I eat and drink, and afterward you will eat and drink'? Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded? So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.'" We need to remember that He is the master and we are the servant. It is not about getting my own needs met, I leave that up to Him. I am to simply obey.
_____________________________
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.
http://piswa.blogspot.com/
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 2:37:40 PM
|
|
|
CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4189
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
|
Both my kids are adopted so I have some experience with the process and, especially, the emotions and the intense self-scrutiny involved.
I see nothing at all wrong or bad or cruel or hurtful about adopting as a single.
That said, I'm not sure this was pointed out clearly so far, adopting a child out of the "system" and raising them as a single would be, IMO, much harder than either adopting them as a couple or adopting a healthy infant as a single. Children in desperate need of homes often have many emotional and psychological needs that a single parent alone might be overwhelmed by.
Going through the adoption procedure there were many questions I had to honestly answer about what I could and could not realistically deal with. It is VERY important to know yourself and get as much knowledge and experience (if possible) with the types of difficulties and burdens these children bear. It's really hard when you're in the middle of it to not fantasize that you could handle any and every set of 'problems' (for lack of a better word). But this is a child's life and you cannot take them back to the store if it's not working out. It is crucial that one is not only committed but also ABLE (as much as one is able to know beforehand) to handle the emotional and psychological needs of the child.
_____________________________
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
What have we to fear?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 2:40:17 PM
|
|
|
actorguy282
Posts: 214
Joined: 1/31/2009
From: dusty west texas
Status: offline
|
quote:
There are many children (disabled, chronically ill, abused, too old, wrong ethnicity, etc) in the U.S. who live their lives in the foster care system. Nobody wants these children.
Every American should question why these children have been abandoned to bureaucracy.
I don't particularly care what Christians think about this situation: too many are happy to ignore what was going on in their own backyards, more inclined to collect money, attention, and concern for others on a distant shore.
I whole heartedly agree
_____________________________
There are no stupid questions just stupid answers
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 2:45:48 PM
|
|
|
ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 1596
Joined: 11/8/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
1- Knowing what you do about being a single parent, what would you say to someone who is thinking about adopting a child as a single parent? Is it a crazy idea? Do you think it could work with enough support from other family members?
I think everything that needs to be said has been said. But I wanted to add a personal note...
While I would never want a child to stay in an orphanage or the foster-care system instead of entering a good, Christian single-parent home, even a good, Christian, single-parent home is only a small step up from being an orphan.
My children are some of the best children you will ever meet. You would look at them and think that God has been good to them even in a single-parent home. But I can tell you differently: my children are indeed wonderful, but they have huge gaps...HUGE gaps...in their psyches due to being in a single-parent home. NOTHING can make up for having both a mom and a dad. Nothing.
Some orphanages at least have both male and female house parents who can model proper relationships with both genders, and how different genders relate to God and handle stuff. But in my home...there's no one to model male relationships. There was no one for my son to learn from and lean on.
He had his grandfather, but there are limits to that. And no other males were willing to make the investment.
If you are thinking of being a single parent, that's fine, but you need to know:
1) you will be signing up to die--to yourself and your freedom. And that is a good thing, but you need to count the cost.
2) you will be signing up to do it ALONE...don't think the church, your own parents or friends will be there to help you. They won't. God will be your only helper--and that's enough, as long as you realize that.
3) your adopted children will have huge gaps still, though you put everything into them that you are and have. There's nothing you can do to fix that.
As long as you realize these things, and are following God, I think it's fine to be an adoptive single-parent.
shallbe
_____________________________
has decided that the command against forsaking the assembling of ourselves together shall henceforth be considered satisfied when she wakes up each morning and finds that all her body parts are still assembled...
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 2:52:54 PM
|
|
|
WalkingwithHim2
Posts: 2468
Joined: 12/13/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: ShallbeRebuilt
quote:
1- Knowing what you do about being a single parent, what would you say to someone who is thinking about adopting a child as a single parent? Is it a crazy idea? Do you think it could work with enough support from other family members?
I think everything that needs to be said has been said. But I wanted to add a personal note...
While I would never want a child to stay in an orphanage or the foster-care system instead of entering a good, Christian single-parent home, even a good, Christian, single-parent home is only a small step up from being an orphan.
My children are some of the best children you will ever meet. You would look at them and think that God has been good to them even in a single-parent home. But I can tell you differently: my children are indeed wonderful, but they have huge gaps...HUGE gaps...in their psyches due to being in a single-parent home. NOTHING can make up for having both a mom and a dad. Nothing.
Some orphanages at least have both male and female house parents who can model proper relationships with both genders, and how different genders relate to God and handle stuff. But in my home...there's no one to model male relationships. There was no one for my son to learn from and lean on.
He had his grandfather, but there are limits to that. And no other males were willing to make the investment.
If you are thinking of being a single parent, that's fine, but you need to know:
1) you will be signing up to die--to yourself and your freedom. And that is a good thing, but you need to count the cost.
2) you will be signing up to do it ALONE...don't think the church, your own parents or friends will be there to help you. They won't. God will be your only helper--and that's enough, as long as you realize that.
3) your adopted children will have huge gaps still, though you put everything into them that you are and have. There's nothing you can do to fix that.
As long as you realize these things, and are following God, I think it's fine to be an adoptive single-parent.
shallbe
I am sorry for your experience but you are painting with a huge brush. A loving home is not just one step up from an orphan.
I again am sorry for what your son has gone through. My boys (different fathers and all) do not share his experience.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:01:09 PM
|
|
|
CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4189
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
|
If I'm not mistaken I believe Shallbe is saying "one death away from being an orphan". And that's true.
Knowing how much healthier my children are being in a sane single parent home than they were in an insane, dysfunctional two-parent home I would say that, while, yes, there will still be gaps, they will be so much smaller and so many fewer that a single parent home is FAR better than growing up with no parenting.
_____________________________
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
What have we to fear?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 3:12:52 PM
|
|
|
Focusing
Posts: 5175
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
|
I believe part of the difference in answers you will receive is going to be based upon what experiences people come from. My son is in a much healthier environment now than when his father and I were married.
Personally, I have no problems with a single woman (or man) adopting a child and providing a loving stable environment ... after having worked for the state and typing up numerous court papers to make children from two-parent homes to being a *ward of the state* (the term makes me sick), there is no doubt in my mind that many single people I know could provide them with a much better life.
A decision to adopt (or become a foster parent) is something to be done after much prayer and seeking God's desire for your life. You are wise to request various opinions because it will give you so much more to think about and pray about.
My cousin is a single mom with two biological children. She has fostered numerous children over the years, has had three steadily in her home full-time for several years, and just last year adopted one of them. They are incredibly happy and well-adjusted children.
_____________________________
11/21 is the 11th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day
Please remember to lift those in prayer who have lost a loved one to suicide
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
