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RE: ZamDad's World - 10/22/2005 8:40:35 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
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October 22, 2005
I took yesterday off work and spent the day with the kids. We took the horses over to some friends house so that they could go on a trail ride. The kids got hooked on a TV show, The Saddle Club. They then began their own club with a Bible study added to it. When they told me, I thought it was a great idea. They had a good time on their trail ride and came in for hot chocolate afterward as it was cold.
Today I got to sleep in. it was the first time in a long time. I woke up before 7:00 and decided I was not going to get up until I felt like getting out of bed. I finally got up at 10:00. I can’t remember the last time I did that. My wife asked what we were going to do. I told her that I felt like sitting home and doing nothing. So, we did.
I got on the computer and finished a report for work. I did some traipsing around the message boards on CW and then, 3:00 finally decided to do something productive. I started tackling laundry that needed to be done and took out some garbage. The only time I spent outside all day was with my middle daughter taking the horses to some fresh grass.
For as hectic as life has been lately, I needed today. It was so nice to have a day where there were no demands. No need to run, no pressure to have to get something done. I thank God that He allowed me to have a day of rest.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 10/27/2005 9:26:55 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
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October 27, 2005
I am hesitant to write this and post it as I have told some people form my church recently about my blog. In telling people I know, I lose my anonymity. Yet, I feel somewhat compelled to write this as I need prayer and support.
As my wife has wrestled with trying to find her role in her new job, she has taken on some less than healthy interests. I have written about how she wants me to take her dancing. I don’t mind the dancing part, I don’t care for the environment. She has expressed a desire to go one night a week and hang out with her co-workers at a local watering hole. Although I expressed some reservation at first, I have never been one to come right out and say, “Absolutely not.” Even after allowing a few sessions at the tavern, I expressed additional concern when it was becoming apparent that this time with the cohorts was becoming a higher priority than family.
Yesterday was the last straw. At 4:30, I left the office to go pick the youngest child up from the after school daycare program. As I was driving over to the school, I saw my van parked in the tavern parking lot. I stopped in and there sits my wife by herself. She was working on some plans for a future building expansion. She was on the phone with a colleague asking if they were coming over. She told me that she was going to tan at 6:30 and then she would come home.
My 11 year old daughter called and said she was putting a frozen pizza in the oven and that they were getting ready for AWANA and youth group. I told her that I was on my way home with the youngest and that I would run them over to the church after eating. Wednesday nights have been renamed, “Eat now, taste it later Wednesday,” as we all scramble home, eat and run out the door to the church.
I took the kids to church, came home, cleaned the sink full of dirty dishes, picked up a few other odds and ends, and ran back to the church to pick up the girls. My son was headed to youth group with the other older kids who help with AWANA. He had a ride home from youth group, so there was no need to worry about him.
AWANA is over with at 7:30. We were home just before 8:00. No wife yet. I called her cell phone. No answer. I called several more times and got her voice mail. 8:30, I am beginning to get more than worried. I call a friend and ask if she has been there as she may have gone over to talk to them. They have not seen her either. I put the youngest child to bed at 8:45 and call her cell phone again. No answer. At 9:00 I am concerned and angry. Is she having an affair? Is she in the ditch on the side of the road somewhere? Is she in jail for DWI?
At 9:05 I tell the older daughter that I am going out to find her mother. I tell her that I have my phone and that if mom comes home, call me. That her brother should be home momentarily and that they are to be in bed by 10:00 if I am not back. I drive the 10 miles to town and decide the first place I should check is the tavern I last saw her at. As I approach, I see my van sitting in the same spot it was at 4:30. I walk in and there she sits with a group of college students. She sees me and says, “Oh hi, what are you doing?” I tell her I want to have a word with her. We walk outside and I ask her if she knows what time it is. She says yes and then I ask why she does not answer her phone. She says she can’t hear it over the noise. I tell her that she has a family at home that is wondering where she is and that a phone call home to tell what she was doing would have been nice. I tell her that she told me she was going to tan at 6:30 and it does not look like she has gone anywhere. She says she decided not to go tan and that some of the students from the college showed up and she began talking to them. She asks if I’m mad. To me, it’s more than obvious that I am mad. I feel lied to. I sure as heck don’t appreciate not knowing where my wife is and then finding her in a bar. I tell her that I am headed home to our children and turn and walk away from her.
As I am driving out of the parking lot she comes to my car and says she is sorry, she did not realize how late it got. I tell her that I don’t know who she is anymore. She complained last week to me that there is a double standard, that I can put my job before her and the kids, but she can’t. I told her that this is a double standard as this has nothing to do with her job and that if I had spent time at a bar without calling home, I would never hear the end of it and have it held over my head as leverage for the rest of my life. She has also told me that she hates how easily sorry rolls off my tongue. I told her that sorry was flowing from her lips to easily and that it felt like it was lacking the sincerity she says her sorry always has.
I have come to the point where I feel like I have to draw a line in the sand. If I am an old fuddy duddy in her eyes, so be it. I am her husband. I have more important things to consider than her perception of a good time. We have spent 16 years of marriage focused on our kids. After a near divorce series of events eight years ago, we focused our marriage on Christ which brought an even clearer focus on our kids. I’m scared, she seems to be walking away from Christ, the solid rock on which our relationship is built. She is being so influenced by her culture, that it seems she has forgotten where her center is. I know that I have to take this stand as her husband and it scares me to death because it can be such a lonely place. At the same time, I know I am not alone because I have God and he will be using this for His glory. But, from a human perspective staring into the storm is uncomfortable. Like everyone else, I want to run. But where will I hide when I am running from myself?
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 10/29/2005 10:19:55 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
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October 29, 2005
Well, several days have passed since finding my wife in a bar. We have not been able to talk. The next night, I have class until 10:00. We got out early and I rushed home thinking we would be able to talk as the kids would be in bed. I got home to find the two older kids still up and she and the youngest in bed together.
The few words we have exchanged over the past few days included a conversation about whether we could “go out” tonight. We have already been invited to and told the kids we are going to a fall get together at the home of a family from church. When she asked if we could go out, I told her that I do not want to go to any bars. Although she didn’t say anything, the look conveyed disappointment.
Before leaving the office yesterday, she called and asked what my plans were for the evening. I told her that the kids indicated a desire to go to school dance, the first of the year. She wanted to know if any of my coworkers had plans to do anything for the evening. I told her that all of my coworkers were fuddy duddy’s too. She said that I need to get over being an old fuddy duddy. I told her I like being one. She asked what happened to the social butterfly she married. I told her that his social circles have changed as have the activities of his social environment.
I know now that I have to hold firm, that I cannot waiver. I know too that she will use her strength on my weak spot. She will use sex as a weapon to get me to give in to her whims. This is how we’ve gotten to where we are. Like a lamb being led to the slaughter house, I have allowed her to lead me back into areas I know lead to destruction because of a promised payoff at the end of the evening. I have an obligation to protect my family from the dangers of this lifestyle.
In looking back over time, even before she got this job, I have the sense that Satan has been at work in my household. I had become involved in a Saturday morning men’s breakfast and Bible study. I quit going after several months of her pleading for me to spend time with her on Saturday mornings. I have devoted myself to her and the kids even sacrificing my spiritual growth for her. I look back and see now where my lack of being fed spiritually can be traced to me giving up time with other men to spend with her. It’s not the time with her that’s the problem, it’s that she requested me to give up time in the Word to sit home with her and not do much of anything except be available for her whims.
I suppose that to be the spiritual leader in my home, I will have to begin to do something I have always intended to do but never gotten around to, family devotions. I see where Satan has been at work in me too as the best of intentions never materialize. I also think that it might be in our best interest to begin using Wednesday nights while the kids are at AWANA, to begin some type of adult couples Bible study. We have to be in the Word together to grow or we are going to continue to grow apart. I don’t want to go there again.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 10/29/2005 10:47:21 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
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October 29, 2005
In addition to all the other things going on at home, I've have had something else gnawing at my heart. After September 11, as a nation, we took a pause. We reexamined our hearts and went to our knees in prayer. It seemed to strengthen us. It seemed that God got our attention and got us to focus on Him.
But, lacking attention like a hyperactive child, as a nation we have resumed our self centered approach to life. In the past year, we have been plagued by a series of natural disasters throughout the world. As a nation, we have contributed financially and have sent an overwhelming amount of aid in both personnel and material. But, our hearts have not been pierced like they were after a man made disaster. Why is this?
After 911, Hollywood scaled back the garbage they produce. There were quotes in the media about how producers felt a need to scale back and refocus in this pressing time for consideration. Following last Christmas, a major tsunami hit south Asia, near Easter, another one hit. The U.S. and the Caribbean have been rocked by a series of hurricanes stronger than ever recorded by man before. Earthquakes have rattled several parts of the globe and killed thousands. We are in a war in Iraq, Babylon from antiquity. This war is being waged in the birthplace of mankind and has many biblical implications.
On the news yesterday there was more discussion about the president’s approval ratings. The commented went on to say that the majority of Americans feel that their political leaders are out of touch with the common man. I can understand some of this feeling, but as I talk with people, I wonder who is out of touch? We want a leader, but we can’t agree on the characteristics a leader should have. Our relativism has led to us not being able to form a consensus on matters of right and wrong because we each have our own perspective on moral issues and whose to say mines better than yours or vice versa.
Our hearts have become hardened. We have not flocked to God en masse as we did after some maniacs flew planes into buildings representing our economic might. It seems that God is still trying to get our attention. He wants us to know him as intimately as He knows us. But, we are too consumed with the meaningless day to day activities of our own world to pay attention to Him.
I have seen this in my own life. I know He has the answers for my problems. I have seen Him work miracles in the lives of others and in my own life. But, like everyone else, I find the distractions too entertaining to devote my time to God. It seems that He wants me to know Him as well as He knows me. I don’t have the divine gift He has to know Him or others as intimately as He knows me. It takes effort on my part. Just like the marriage relationship takes effort, my relationship with God takes effort on my part. I have to know His mind which means I have to spend time in His word and in prayer with Him.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 11/1/2005 10:08:44 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
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November 1, 2005
What a day. Monday extended into Tuesday which actually began Friday. I got a phone call Friday afternoon from the relative of a client who reported that he was drinking in violation of his probation. I was going to stop and check on him on the way home, but he showed up at the office ten minutes before closing time. He wanted a permit to travel out of state. I asked him to blow into a PBT and he tested positive. It’s not the first time. In fact, it’s the fifth time he has been back to court for consuming alcohol on this case. I used to supervise the guy on another case and his drinking was so out of control he executed that file too. Showing up at the probation office intoxicated is worthy of America’s Dumbest Criminals.
Over the weekend I got his violation report done. We went to court yesterday and he agreed to execute the remainder of his sentence. Today I learned that because of a prior conviction for a sex offense, he will not remain in the local jail as anticipated. He will spend a few days in the state pen. Usually, no big deal. But, this guy has some mental problems that concern me. Spending time in prison could send him over the edge and I don’t want to see this happen. I have developed a good relationship with this guy over the years and mistakes like this diminish his trust. I will have to work with him again when he gets out.
This morning, another sex offender showed up for his court date. He was found in possession of porn, was baby sitting, using meth, and not going to treatment. One of his female relatives showed up and demanded to know why I was going after him. She proceeded to tell me that he is a vulnerable adult despite any legal documentation to prove it. She proceeded to say that he does not understand what he does, therefore, he’s not responsible for his actions. I told the woman that her comments were working to affirm in his mind that he can do what he wants because his family keeps coming to his rescue telling him that he is not responsible for what he does. I told him that I needed a UA, preferable before court. He said he could not go. After court, I told him to come to my office before leaving the building. He did not come down. Then I went back to court looking for him. He was nowhere to be found. An hour later, he comes to my office with his entourage and says they were out for walk. He finally peed in the cup and his urine was green. He was negative for all substances, but the control line on the cup was faint on a couple of substances. I asked him several questions about his leaving the building and if he was with anyone using dope. As his usual response, he knows nothing. I hate being lied to and every time I deal with him, I feel lied to.
I was getting ready to leave for the day today when a female client showed up to talk. She has a new boyfriend living with her. She knows nothing about him. She knows he was in prison, but has no idea what for. She does not want him associating with a known drug dealer in town. Yet, while she is at work during the day, I see him and the dealer running all over town together. I have counseled her endlessly about asking questions, being nosy, not being afraid to pry into the life of someone she is allowing in her home. She does not seem to be willing to go there.
In the course of our conversation she tells me about a conversation with a neighbor lady of hers who revealed to her that her four year old daughter was molested by the little girl’s bio dad. My client tells me that the neighbor lady has been drinking a lot because she avoiding dealing with the abuse. She has stopped contact between the dad and the little girl, but she is not reporting anything. I told the woman that I am a mandated reporter and that I have to report allegations of child abuse. She says that she does not want me to report it. She does not want everyone thinking she is a snitch and she is worried about the feelings of the neighbor lady. I told her that it’s not the neighbor lady or what her associates might think about her that’s important, it’s the child she needs to be thinking about. What would happen if this child had to go stay with this bio dad? If the allegations of sexual abuse are true, what will this little girl have to endure? She is going to have enough trauma to work through if the allegations are true. I told her that these decisions are not fun and that we never get used to them. These are decisions I have to make regularly and I’m still not used to it.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 11/5/2005 3:39:38 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
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November 5, 2005
So, where to begin today’s entry. I began to write something the other day about how I observed myself in Elliot Stabler, the male character on Law & Order SVU. As human beings, we have become so good at compartmentalizing our lives. Those of us in the church have really become adept at this. We praise God on Sunday and live like the rest of the world Monday through Saturday. No matter how hard I try to separate my professional life from my personal life, the things I deal with carry over and impact me and my family. It affects how I see my family and how I speak with my kids about life.
I wrote the other day about the woman who informed me of her neighbor and the molestation of the little girl. The day before yesterday I learned of a man sitting in jail for having molested his seven year old step daughter. No matter how much I hear of these cases, it never gets any easier to deal with. My youngest daughter is seven. I came home and looked at her and thought about her. How could anyone allow themselves to violate a child like this? No matter how much I hear about sexual abuse, I will never understand what causes a person to sink so low.
In watching Law & Order SVU the other night, I saw Elliot Stabler working to solve the crime, but then coming home to his own family and questioning his teenage daughter about activities supposedly common on the high school campus. The show frequently shows both he and Olivia Benson wrestling with their own emotions pertaining to the human cesspool their jobs take them to. With Elliot, we occasionally get a glimpse into his family and how he tries to be a husband and father without letting his own emotional garbage get in the way.
I read a story once about the trouble tree. In the story, this man was picked up on the side of the road one day. The man who picked him up was on his way home and had to stop at the house before taking the man to his destination. As they stopped, the driver placed his hand on a well worn branch of a tree in his front yard. He stopped there for a moment as he held the worn branch and then proceeded to greet his wife and kids. He told the family about the guest and then left to take the man to his destination. As they drove away, the man asked the driver about the tree and the pause at the worn branch. He told the man that this was his trouble tree. He stopped at that spot everyday and took all of his troubles throughout the day and placed them on that branch before entering his home. He said that he did this to leave his burdens there and not take them out on his family.
This story inspired me so many years ago and inspires me again as I rethink it. Christ has been my trouble tree. But, my relationship with him has weakened over the past year because I have not put the effort into Him that I know I should. Without Christ, I fear that my troubles are becoming my families troubles. I know that my family is going to be influenced by what I do no matter what, but I have to get back to utilizing my trouble tree.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 11/8/2005 12:37:36 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
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November 7, 2005
I had court today to sentence an 18 year old girl for having sex with a 15 year old boy. There was much discussion between those in the justice system as to why they were prosecuting this young woman. Most of the men in the system have made the comment that, at 15, they would not have felt like a victim. I know that at 15, I would have not felt like a victim.
Yet, according to the law, an 18 year old cannot engage in sex with a 15 year old. In my state, the age of consent is 16. So, no one under 16 can legally engage in sexual relations. Not even the parent of the 15 year old. This is the part of this case that makes the whole thing so disturbing.
The father of the 15 year old boy is cohabitating with an 18 year old female. The perpetrator had been best friends with the cohabitating girlfriend since kindergarten. The perpetrator came to stay with her best friend and her new live in boyfriend. There were several other people at the home the night of the offense. It sounds as if the man, the father of the boy, had a party at his house the night of the offense. The father of the boy was aware of the sexual tension between he and the perpetrator, so he provided his son with a condom for protection.
By the standards of our culture, providing a condom is the responsible thing to do. Yet, his son is not old enough to consent to sexual activity and his giving the young man a condom is not legal consent. To make matters worse, the father’s girlfriend, who happens to be the perpetrators best friend encourages the son and the perp to get together. The boy and the perp have sex and go about their business. The boy now wants to have a relationship with this older girl because he is now feeling like he is a man’s man. The perp is feeling like she knows she has done something wrong, but she also had fun. It seems that she is not thinking about how to respond to the boy in the future or potential consequences.
The perp gets a good deal in court. She has a chance to make the whole thing go away as if it never happened. Failure to do what the court has ordered could send her to prison. She has not only an opportunity to turn her life in a positive direction. The choice is hers. Yet, her best friend shows up to court and objects to the recommendation I made that they not have contact with each other. She and the boy’s father are planning to be married and she wants the perp to help her plan her wedding. The girlfriend is going to become the step-mother to the boy she encouraged her best friend to have sex with and she wants to make sure that they can continue to see each other?
I told the perp that this was the epitome of the saying, “With friends like that, who needs enemies?” This future step mother ahs encouraged her future step son to become sexual with her best friend. She has no concern that the activity she encouraged could result in her friend going to prison. Instead, she and the boys father said that they thought they were doing the right thing by giving the boy a condom. After all, kids are going to engage in sexual behavior no matter what, why not give them their blessing and some protection? The dad said that, in his opinion, the laws are messed up. Because his son is just like him, he did the right thing in providing his son the condom and the permission. When I pointed out to him that under state law, he could have been (and probably should have been) charged with child endangerment, he looked at me and laughed. He repeated his opinion of how ridiculous the laws are.
I am familiar with the dad. If the boy is just like his dad, he too will be a drug addict. Unable to hold a job and living off the welfare of his rich grandfather in conjunction with welfare. Living to satisfy the whim of the moment with no thought toward tomorrow or the future. As the dad was telling me how he was justified in allowing the sexual activity to occur, I resigned myself to the fact that this was an argument I was not going to win. So, I commented that I could look forward to a few more years of job security. He did not get my underlying message and replied, “You betcha!”
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 11/8/2005 11:41:39 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
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November 8, 2005
I sat in the courtroom all morning waiting for my cases to be called. It always feels like a waste of time. Usually, I sit and read through the reports I’ve written to prepare for the case and any questions that might arise.
One of the men I have written so frequently about was in court for his probation violation hearing. At the first recess, I stopped to speak with him. I asked if there were any changes. He did not report anything noteworthy. But, in the process of his explanations of life’s daily grind, he always seems to portray himself as the victim. As he told me about work, there was an undertone that made him the victim of some unseen element that was holding him down.
In nearly five years of dealing with this man, I have come to the conclusion that he is not a victim, but a volunteer. It’s most obvious in his relationships. He enters relationships with women that are based on nothing but sex. He is seeking his gratification and the women are seeking their own gratification or some false sense of security. He uses them and they use him. It has been pointed out to him time and time again that his decisions place him in the same situations on a repeated basis. Yet, when hit in the face that he has some responsibility in his life, he focuses on external factors, things he has no control over. He paints himself out to be a victim of circumstance.
He is not the only person I have seen this in. I know I can be guilty of it too. Most of us don’t carry it to the extreme this man does. Why do we do this? Why do we not accept responsibility for the decisions we make? Why do we look for external factors to blame for our unhappiness? There is only one person we have control of in our own life and when we lose control, we look to some other factor to be the cause.
As I sat in court rereading this man’s file, the thought struck me to write about this. I wish I had brought the file home to cite more examples. This man is the poster child for the “Not My Fault” blameshifters club.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 11/16/2005 8:10:05 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
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November 16, 2005
I haven’t been able to get to my blog for a while. I think I have spent too much time arguing in the forums. I have some work projects that I should be working on when I sit at my computer, but I find myself getting into discussions in the forums. Am I addicted?
I got a heartbreaking call the other day from a child protection worker from another county. A woman who did a voluntary commitment escaped from a locked facility. The woman is a meth addict and is pregnant with a due date in early December. She has already given birth five time before. All of her kids have tested positive for meth and pot when born. Two of them died, the other three are in foster care. Now she is getting ready to give birth to child number six. She was using meth early on in her pregnancy. After sitting some jail time in several counties, she agreed to be committed so that she could do some treatment and safely deliver her baby.
I’ve seen meth destroy too many people now. I can’t believe how powerful the substance is. No one just walks away from meth use. Users leave a trail of innocent victims in their wake. Children of users suffer the worst.
Gonna keep this one short today just to post.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 11/19/2005 6:27:09 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
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November 19, 2005
Once again, I sit here wanting to write. I have had several good ideas for my blog lately, but nothing comes to mind today. I attended a really good training for church leaders the other day. CCBT was in the state and I went with our pastor, youth pastor and a couple of other leaders. We learned about some material that will help in building disciples and stronger relationships in Christ and with each other instead of trying more programs to bring people in.
I had a chance to share with one of the men on the trip the things that have been going on at home. He asked me who has been holding me accountable. I told him no one. He said, “I will.” I was so glad to hear someone say that. I feel like this is what I have been asking for. I have sought out the pastor to develop a relationship with him that would hold me accountable. He seemed look he was more interested in being busy than to get involved in a deep relationship. I sought out other members of the church. All were too busy. I have also come to understand that, with my busy schedule, I too am not available for any men who may be trying to reach out.
I told him about our financial situation and how I have had to borrow to prevent checks from bouncing because both of our spending habits are reckless. I told him how I allowed alcohol to reenter my household because “it was fun.” How what began as something harmless and in good fun changed how we thought about the substance and softened our position that we would never have it in the house. How porn entered the picture again when my wife asked if we had some in the house to spice things up one night. This led me to seek some out and bring home because I knew there would be instant gratification. After one night of fun, the stuff sits tucked away with the thought that it is safely out of the way of the kids. But, I know better, kids find everything. It’s impossible to keep secrets from them.
I shared with him that I have burned the porn and disposed of the alcohol. I have determined that I cannot go back to consuming because I know I will become a functional alcoholic. I don’t want it to be a higher priority than God or my family. While I have shared these concerns with my wife, she appears to be blinded by the good times she is having with her co-workers and some new friends she has made in the community. She has discovered the world she was leaning toward when we met. She says that she is not like me, she will not lose control. Yet, she fails to see that she already has lost control. Her time with her friends has become more important than the family as she has to have at least one night per week that she is with them and stays out late. She knows that I will be upset with her, but she also knows I can be manipulated sexually so we don’t have to fight when she gets home. I tell her the following day that we still need to talk. She says she does not want to talk.
Other women have approached her trying to get close. She does not like to let people get close to her. She shuts down the conversation quickly and finds an excuse to be gone when she feels someone getting underneath the veil. Although no one has said anything directly to me, I sense that she has lost the respect of members of the community. The women in the community who have known her prior to her role in her new job have given me nonverbal cues indicating they don’t approve of the things she is doing.
I have shared this information with my pastor and a couple members of the board. I was wanting to resign from my leadership position because I was feeling burnt out. Now, I feel somewhat energized that some of the material we gained the other day will help us to collectively grow in Christ. But, I feel like I must resign as I have lost control of my family. My wife’s decision to go her own way with her poor choices have negatively impacted our ministry together. We have lost our influence in Christ. It seems I am going to have to resign and turn my attention on healing my family and reconciling us with Christ.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 11/24/2005 10:18:36 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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November 24, 2005
I had an interesting discussion yesterday with our jail chaplain. He came to us, the other PO in my office and myself, to discuss building up of accountability in the people we work with. I must begin by saying how blessed we are in our little corner of the country to have a jail chaplain who has, not only a heart fro the ministry to inmates, but a clear picture of the importance of reintegration in the community and the need for other believers to be involved in the care and feeding of baby Christians walking back into a hostile world.
He came to us with concern about how a couple of guys who have been doing so well for an extended period of time have begun to withdraw back into the shadows. He was asking for us to go out and check on these guys. Our monitoring of them has dropped off dramatically because the lifestyle choices these people have made no longer require our attention. They are doing what they are supposed to be doing which frees up our time to monitor those who are still engaging in law breaking behavior. It’s kind of sick to think about this. I suppose it’s the same as many classrooms across the country, we place more time and resources into managing the behavior of the few who are a pain in the rear so that we don’t spend the time encouraging the ones who are doing well to continue on the path.
The chaplain now wants to try and set up some form of accountability with the men and women he works with so that offenders coming back into the community will know that there return to old behaviors will result in a phone call to the probation office or to law enforcement. I have attempted to get this dialogue open before, but the chaplain and the group of Christian men he has coffee with every morning did not seem willing to go there. He said then that the offenders needed to be able to trust him and the volunteers. It’s not that they were not willing to call and report violations, but when they did, it was usually built up so bad that they were reporting numerous violations had occurred before they got to the point they felt intervention was necessary.
I guess I write this as I see the matter as a larger problem that affects us nationally. As a church, we know we are commanded to love our neighbor. To reach out and minister to the lost. To feed the hungry and visit the prisoners. We seem to have difficulty with how we actually go about loving someone. We want to gain the trust of someone we are trying to love and we often overlook minor offenses. We don’t want to see them return to jail or get into further trouble. Yet, I see that we frequently don’t love people enough to tell them no. To tell them where the boundaries are and affirm to them that if they cross those boundaries, we are going to hand them over to the authorities. Most often our intentions are good, but soon we are overrun and burned out in our efforts to disciple someone who has struggled with a lifestyle that has led to their trouble. We say that the person won’t listen or doesn’t get it. We fail to realize that discipleship takes time and patience and that the disciplee will stumble on occasion. When they stumble, the thing that causes the stumble needs to be pointed out and the person needs to experience the consequences for engaging in the behavior that led to the fall. Then, we need to be there to walk along side them again when they begin to walk again.
As I spoke with the chaplain, I voiced my desire to see us, as the church, do a better job of reaching the hurting by going to their homes, inviting them to a meal whether it’s in a restaurant or our homes. Being there as a friend for them Monday through Saturday. Asking questions of them to learn about who they are, where they have been in life and where they want to go in life. Too often we invite them to church, worship for an hour or so, fellowship for a little while and go our separate ways saying see you next week. Who cares and feeds for this infant believer the rest of the week? Do the Wednesday night Bible study groups do the feeding? While the nourishment there is good, there are still five more days in the week that the baby believer is going to be eating at the trough of the world with an assortment of old friends that are going to be eagerly pushing the candy of the past in front of this fledgling trying to break the hold of the Lord’s grip on the infants hand.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 11/30/2005 10:04:58 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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November 30, 2005
Time has been getting the better of me and I have not been able to write and post here. I have been dealing with a young man over the past several years who is on probation for a burglary and a theft. In dealing with him, I have also been dealing with momma (his mother). He is 26 years old and has made a couple of efforts to live on his own, but has not been able to successfully do this. He now has a couple of little boys that have been placed in foster care because neither he nor his girlfriend can care for the kids.
When I first met him, momma accompanied him to an interview in which I asked him all kinds of questions about his life and his future. She answered most of the questions for him. I told her more than once that I was asking him, please let him answer. After he replied, she would add her commentary. He told me how his dream was to become an over the road truck driver. She stated, “You can’t do that! You have ADD, ODD, depression, and now you’ll have a felony conviction!” He slumped back in his chair and sighed as momma went on telling me about all the failures he has had in trying to maintain employment.
She went on to tell me that she paid him to stay home and work on the farm. He was receiving social security disability for his many diagnoses from the can of alphabet soup and she was his protective payee. From the funds he received, she would pay him for working around the farm. Shortly after the interview, I went to the farm. There is no work occurring on the place.
Now that his children have been removed, he has been charged with a new crime, and is facing probation violations, she is attempting to get legal guardianship of him. She claims he is a vulnerable adult and does not understand the things he is doing. I sense she wants the money he generates for doing nothing. But more troubling is the fact that she condones his criminal behavior by telling him that he does not understand what he does. I have two psych evals that say he does understand and I have two years of experience in working with him without momma’s influence and I know he understands why he does what he does. Momma has created a monster and she refuses to let him go and learn that he has potential.
Recently I learned that she has been attending a neighboring church and that she accepted Christ. I know that the process of transformation is going to take some time if her conversion is genuine. I also know that her hatred for me is part of a spiritual battle. She has been used by the adversary to create children who produce income by staying home and collecting disability for disorders that may or may not exist. Satan has used her to fight myself and others who have worked to help her son become a productive member of the community. Satan has built me up in her mind as being the evil one himself and her anger toward me is seeming to get in the way of any effective communication.
I am seeking some way to approach her so that Christ can be revealed in the discourse. I truly want her conversion to be genuine. I want her and her family to know and love Jesus Christ. Yet, I know that Satan has his claws dug in on this one. This family was an easy target for him. He is not going to let them go without a fight.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 12/6/2005 12:20:12 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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I haven't been able to post here for a while. Life has been busy. I hate the busyness. But, how do we avoid it? There's no way to avoid it unless I were to quit my job and withdraw from the world. It would be nice, for about two weeks, then I'd be bored out of my mind.
I'm beginning to think that I may be addicted to the CW forums. Lately, even though I have not been posting in my blog, I have ben over active in other forums. I have spent far too much time discussing naturism in the morality and ethics folder. I finally decided that I had to quit ignoring Wolf and respond to his efforts at recruiting nudists. For the longest time, I was able to pay no attention to the matter. But, I noticed several others began posting pro naturist statements and that they were getting several others to consider their claims of purity a natural. It seemed like there was some cyber grooming going on and I felt compelled to speak out.
Anyway, a short note tonight jsut to keep the blog from moving away.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 12/11/2005 9:54:47 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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December 11, 2005
Last week I got to attend a meeting in which one of my clients was able to see his girlfriend for the first time in nearly a year. During their separation, she gave birth to a child. She has been eager to see him and he has not expressed a whole lot of interest. He has asked a few times when they can see each other, but then seemed to about give up on the matter.
A years ago, they were involved in another one of many domestic altercations. As usual, he was drinking. She was pregnant and he wanted sex; she didn’t. He then told her he wanted oral sex. When she refused that too, he became enraged and began throwing things around the house. He finally walked out of the house and began to get into his car which is how the police got called.
She followed him out into the driveway trying to get him to come back in the house and not drive away so that he did not get another DWI. One of the neighbors saw them fighting and called the police.
There were many other issues to address at the time of his sentencing for the domestic assault. There were some serious mental health concerns in addition to his chemical dependency, he had a history of being violent with women. This was his third arrest for domestic violence with this partner and he was arrested three or four times for assaulting his ex-wife. He was sentenced to some initial jail time with the rest of the time suspended so that he could get the help he needed for his mental health issues and his chemical dependency. He has since completed all the requirements and is now in aftercare. While he has been doing what he is supposed to be doing, my concern is that he does the bare minimum to get by. Whatever it takes to get me out of his life.
We had this reunification meeting with her parents, a social worker and another neutral party present to try and work out a plan for a safe reunion. The couple was each asked what they wanted. They both expressed that they wanted to have a relationship. I asked what was meant by a relationship. What do they want out of one? She was able to answer that she wanted to live together, talk about things and raise their child together. He was unable to answer. He could not define what he wanted in a relationship. He said he wanted to live in a normal relationship. He could not tell us what normal was.
Because I had been to his house numerous times during the part year, I knew that he has a very large collection of pornography. I asked him directly if in his mind, having a relationship was about being able to have sex. Of course, he said it was not. There was some discussion between them about trust because she knew he had slept with another girl and he had accused her of being sexual with a number of other men in the community. This has been an ongoing concern of mine in regard to their relationship because he had expressed this concern about her sleeping with all these men in the community and that she was unfaithful to him. Yet, he has all this porn in his possession and I know he has been sexual with more than the one woman discussed in the meeting. It seems rather troubling that he can look at all the naked women he wants to, but he gets upset if he thinks she may be entertaining sexual thoughts of another man. In addition, the last fight, like several before, resulted from him wanting sex when she did not. While he denied that his motivations for reunification were purely sexual, he kept asking when they could get together alone.
On other aspect of the reunion that brought about alarm and aroused my suspicions that he sees her as nothing more than a sex object is that he has no interest in raising his child unless he can be with her. If it’s not a package deal, he wants nothing to do with his child. I see this child being in danger if this man only wants to be around the child so he can be sexual with the mother. Not to mention, what is this child going to learn and grow up to be?
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 12/18/2005 11:25:39 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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December 18, 2005
I have tried to get here several times over the past week and have been unable to do so. I feel as though I have been spending too much time in the forums. There have been some good conversations there in the morality and ethics folder. I have found it very interesting how many who claim the name of Jesus Christ seem to also live with a situational ethical system.
I know that I too am guilty of this. But, being aware of it has been enlightening. When faced with a moral dilemma and finding myself wanting to go my own way, to think about how God is going to view the matter helps me to keep my focus on the narrow path. Even tough it may hurt for a time, I have to focus on the narrow path.
IN the thread regarding TV, there has been much discussion about what’s right and wrong with TV. I have four televisions in my house. Living out in the country, I have satellite as I get little, if any, reception and cable does not come out here. Yet, I have learned to hate my TV. I have been without it several times when I have been to ,military training or other jobs that have taken me away from home for a time. Each time I am gone, I don’t miss the tube. When I return home, I find myself aggravated by it always being on and my wife not wanting to pull herself away from it. I know that she has the same aggravation with me and the computer.
I find that, for all the channels I get, there is more garbage than good. There are a few channels where we can watch beneficial, intellectually stimulating programs. But, for the most part, it’s junk. I’m ready to cancel my satellite service, unplug the TV, haul it out into the field and use it for target practice. My wife has threatened that I will be cold and lonely sleeping with the dogs and the kids have indicated they will stage a mutiny if I follow through.
I want to be salt and light for Jesus Christ. I know that if I am filling my mind and allowing my family to fill their minds with garbage, we lose our saltiness and our lights don’t shine as brightly. I suppose this is what I see in some of the comments I have read on these posts. “it’s okay for me, but I don’t let the kids watch.” Well, we can’t keep anything a secret from the kids. As we talk about the everyday trivialities of our lives, the things we see and hear pepper our conversations and our children know what we have been taking in. Then, when we tell them that something is bad and they know we are partaking, they see us as liars and the cycle continues. Is this the foundation for sins of the fathers?
I mentioned to one poster my observations on the matter. The retort back was a “How dare you, who are you to judge?” In my line of work I get to ask questions of people all the time to challenge how they think. In order to effect change, we have to challenge their world view. We have to get people to think differently in order to act differently and avoid returning to the justice system. It seems that when I get a “how dare you” reaction, it is a wounded person getting hit with the truth which is often painful to face. Our natural tendency is to run from pain or to fight back. But, our fight or flight is useless as we are only running from or fighting with our self. Where do you hide when you are running from your self?
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 12/23/2005 11:23:47 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1052
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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December 23, 2005
Several months ago a well respected man from the community went nuts, threatened his wife, and shot up his possessions. There are hundreds of reasons for his breakdown, yet no one can say for certain what actually caused him to crumble. He’s not even sure.
He worked as a drug and alcohol counselor for nearly a quarter century. After battling his own addiction, he sought help and recovered. He used the lessons he had gained from his own battle with chemicals to help others.
After working in a facility for as long as he had, he had taken on administrative responsibilities in addition to working with clients. He became busier and busier and eventually became disconnected from his co-workers and a healthy support network. I learned that when staff and residents of the facility would have get togethers, he would retreat to his office and do more paperwork. No one on staff bugged him about working too hard or coming to relax, they let him be to himself.
I’m not sure what triggered it, but he stopped and bought a bottle one day and stashed it away in his house. He was also diagnosed with a medical condition that required him to be taking some heavy narcotics. He said that some days he would come home from work, pour himself a stiff drink and go work in the yard until well into the evening so that his wife would not know he had been drinking. It seemed he had rediscovered an old outlet. One that had let him down before and would drop him on his face again.
I have really wrestled with my own emotions in working with this man. I respect him greatly. Yet, by statute, he has to be imprisoned for a period of time. My internal struggle is that I see him in myself and so many of the others I work with in the human service field. We spend so much of our time working with the damaged and hurting; trying to fill their cups when they are empty. And yet, how do we fill our own cups? I feel fortunate in that I have Jesus Christ. Yet, I know I also need others who can listen and help me process the collateral damage of the human garbage I sift through on a daily basis. My wife wants to hear nothing of the things I deal with. She bears with me daily as I vent small things to her. I don’t dare tell her of the other things. Writing in my journal helps somewhat. I tried to connect with my pastor. But, intellectually we seem to be operating on different planes. I have several | | | |
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