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Those Who Do Not Know Should Not Speak - 2/19/2009 9:17:21 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4192
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
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A great deal of advice is requested and offered on a forums board. That is usually a good thing and a blessing to many.
Sometimes, though, well-meaning people would put shackles on another believer and forbid them from using the means to get what they need, thereby condemning them to a hopeless and untenable position.
The situation that strikes a chord with me is the one in which good-hearted people insist that men and women cannot be friends when one or both are married and not to each other. This is an outright lie. Every friend is not a partner in adultery.
The phrase “emotional adultery” is thrown about as though it has some weight. Usually by fine people who have good, strong marriages or by naïve but well-meaning people who have never been married. They say that all friendship efforts, any and all personal sharing, should be with one’s spouse. It sounds good. However, for many people, that isn’t reality.
How if, through no fault of one’s own, this isn’t possible? How if one’s spouse rejects all emotional intimacy? How if one has all attempts at such a thing mocked and has everything offered maliciously and derisively thrown back in one’s face? If one’s spouse has consistently and cruelly destroyed any safety in the relationship and trust is not possible? If what one has is a legal marriage and nothing at all by any other definition?
I tell you truly, there are those who have spent - are spending - decades living with that very thing. Praying, doing what they believe is their duty, fulfilling their vows and putting their children first, relegating their own wants and needs so far out of their own minds that they are in very real danger of becoming irreparably damaged.
We need balance in our lives. We need interaction with both men and women. Healthy interaction. If that isn’t happening in our marriage, if every interaction is dysfunctional and hurtful, we must find it another way. Otherwise we become twisted and warped. I know this for a fact because I lived it. And became twisted, warped and irreparably damaged as a result. I believed the good church people who said a friendship - a harmless, wholesome and sane friendship - is emotional adultery. I’ve got the scars to prove it.
A person who would commit adultery has a character defect. No amount of removing and avoiding temptation will change that fact. A person without that character defect will not commit adultery. Period. To paint with a broad brush and say that every male/female friendship is the precursor to adultery is to sentence one who needs healthy interaction to an immeasurably more out-of-balance existence that they were never meant to bear. It’s cruel, it’s misguided and it’s wrong.
To coin a phrase like “emotional adultery”, to add to the Bible by defining friendship in shameful ways and condemning by those definitions, these things cause very real damage to people who are living realities that most won’t ever experience or understand. I sincerely entreat those who have not lived the ongoing trial of keeping a marriage together by one’s self for years and years to not condemn those of us who have for attempting to maintain our sanity and balance (which, btw, is necessary for our children) in a sinless and blameless way. You do not know how you would react in our situation. You do not know that you would even be able to continue without giving up in the face of what we face. You have no idea what you would do in the self-same circumstances. For the love of God, have mercy and do not attempt to tell us what we should do.
_____________________________
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
What have we to fear?
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I Need Jesus - 4/12/2009 9:02:17 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4192
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
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I posted the following in a thread recently and, today being Easter, I thought it was an appropriate entry here. The argument against my position is that this is an excuse to sin. That's incomprehensible to me. Anyone who has the slightest inkling of what Christ has done and what grace cost Him would never even consider that an option. We are far too grateful. I know that Christ has saved me from hell and eternal separation from God. But I know more than that. I know that He has saved me from myself.
I don't know about the rest of y'all but I needed Jesus because of who I am not what I do. And that hasn't changed since He saved me. Regardless of my definition of sin. Without His righteousness, I can no more enter the presence of God, the throne room of grace, now than I could before salvation. It is always only because of Jesus and never because of my behavior that God sees me as righteous. There is no time in this life when the Holy Spirit says "Okay, this one's sanctified, we don't need anymore blood for her!" I will _always_ need the covering of Christ's blood no matter how "good" I am. I know that no matter how good I am, I will never be good enough. I endeavor to walk in obedience out of my love and gratitude for what Christ has done but it is never about keeping score. My score, but for Christ, has always been infinitely negative.
_____________________________
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
What have we to fear?
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One Week in June - 5/3/2009 11:54:31 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4192
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
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We have what we need, when we need it. Oh, I’m not talking about material things like money to pay the bills, although God does provide materially, too. I’m talking about strength and courage and, sometimes, wisdom.
In 2003 I was in the midst of a typical set of circumstances. In January, my usually inebriated erstwhile husband had the great idea of taking the kids on vacation that summer. He often got those great ideas. In January. While inebriated. He’d have me make reservations and take care of having a house-sitter, etc. He’d tell the kids all about what we were going to do and get them excited. As the time for our wonderful vacation came near, the bottom would drop out. He’d decide he couldn’t go for whatever reason (although he was always, every year, able to go on 2 week hunting trips out west or to Alaska). I’d then have to cancel the reservations, he wouldn’t do it. And I’d have to tell the kids we weren’t doing what Dad said we’d do. I covered for him with them, told them he had too much work or whatever. I would have to see the tears and pick up the pieces of their disappointment.
If I dared act skeptical or didn’t enthusiastically jump on board with his January Great Summer Vacation Idea I’d be faced with rage and no way to tell what direction it would take.
So, in 2003, once again this was my life. I had asked him to not tell the kids. To let it be a surprise to be told them much closer to us actually leaving. But, of course, he told them immediately and continued talking about it to them for months.
I should point out that we did take, as a family, 2 vacations by the time the kids were 11 and 8. So there was always the slim possibility that he was going to follow through and I was ever the hopeful optimist. Not just about vacations but about our marriage and our entire life together. I never gave up praying and hoping that things would change.
Until Spring of ‘03. Things had gotten so bad, so unbelievably bad, that I had given up. I was barely functional and spent all of my prayers wishing one of us would die because I couldn’t see any other way out of that hell.
When he told me he simply could not go on that vacation, something funny happened. Suddenly, in spite of me believing him that I was an incompetent twit who wouldn’t be able to do anything on my own, I looked him dead in the eye and told him that the kids and I were going anyway. I saw shock in his face and thought he’d forbid it. I didn’t care, something had come over me and I intended to fight rather than disappoint my kids one more time. I learned later that it suited him to have us gone and out of the way but at the time it surprised me that he acquiesced at all let alone so quickly.
When I say that I believed I was an incompetent twit, that is no exaggeration. I had been conditioned to distrust myself and been told that I was incapable of doing anything right so often that I really thought it was true. So there I was facing a 450 mile trip with just me to get us there and take care of us away from home. I didn’t know how I was going to do it. I kept telling myself that if other people could do it I could, too.
And I did do it. I easily got us there all in one piece. I drove us all over the place, taking the kids to see the sights. I dealt with everything that came up so easily. My mental state at the time wasn’t great and I don’t remember a lot of things about the trip. But some things stand out so shining and clear. How we just got to our motel and the kids ran up the breezeway to look at the ocean just as the evening dolphin run was going past. I never spared a glance for those dolphins, as much as I love them myself. I had eyes only for my kids faces as they looked on in excitement and wonder. I remember that one day I had so put my husband out of my mind, completely forgotten about him, that I never remembered to call him that evening. I fell asleep and remember my phone ringing, realizing that I’d forgotten to call, and not caring enough to answer it.
That week was an epiphany. On so many levels. My eyes were opened to so many things. My ability to function as a competent and intelligent adult. What a staggering relief it was to be on my own with the kids. How healthily we engaged and interacted with each other when it was just us. So many things came to light.
I drove us the eight hours home, straight through, with nary a mishap. I found out that I prefer driving to being a passenger. My oldest wasn’t old enough to sit up front to even help with reading the road signs or checking other lanes for traffic. I did it entirely on my own. I know that to normal people that doesn’t sound like a very big deal. For me, it was an incredible accomplishment.
We got home and life resumed its previous dynamics for another 5 months. Until he finally admitted to having an affair and wanting to leave me. It sounds ridiculous to say that was a relief but it was. I had seen it coming for a year at least and warned him what he was heading for while he continually denied it. To have him tell the truth for once was very much a relief.
In the months that followed, our lives turned upside down. Suddenly the incompetent twit had to make grave decisions, run the business myself, buy a house, move my family and try to hold my kids’ hearts and spirits together.
It sounds silly to say but one week in June prepared me to be able to do all of that. That one week, when I caught a glimpse of who I used to be, kept me going and gave me the courage to do what I had no choice but to do.
One week in June God gave me a gift so that I’d have it when I needed it.
_____________________________
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
What have we to fear?
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On Ethics - 6/1/2009 8:00:32 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4192
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
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When I train my employees I don’t attempt to tell them what to do in every conceivable situation. Even after all these years in business things come up that I’ve never conceived of and surprise the living daylights out of me. What makes more sense to me is to teach them my philosophy, the over-riding principles by which I run my business. I give them examples to show the ‘whys’ not the ‘whats’. This gives them the information they need to make judgment calls on their own. I hope it also gives them skills and a solid foundation for whatever future employment they find.
In raising my children, I deliberately operate the same way. We talk about character and integrity rather than do this/don’t do that. I want them to have the internal compass that gives them the ability to make good decisions, to choose what is right, in all circumstances. I’m not one to make blanket statements or generalizations. What is right in one instance can be cold and heartless in another. This is what I want my kids to be able to see and account for.
It seems to me that this is what God does with us. The whole Bible, front to back, is about Him. Not a list of rules. He teaches us His ways by telling us the stories of history, of His Son and of what will be and by giving us examples - not of every conceivable situation - but an array of examples of His character and His will for us. He doesn’t tell us to make ourselves a set of rules or set up fences so that we can mindlessly navigate between them. When we look at what is behind what is written, at the whys as well as the whats, He teaches us His over-riding principles and we are to take them to heart so that we, as His children, can choose what is right in all circumstances. He gives us the Holy Spirit to whom we are to listen. Surely that’s because people and situations are unique and one size rules do not fit all.
Some people cannot see the forest because they are inspecting the bark of one tree. I don’t want to be that way. I want to see the whole forest, the whole of God, as much as I am able. I don't want to be so afraid of myself that I set up fences all around me so that I don't do wrong. I want to have the internal compass that causes me, in every situation, not to check the rules but to ask “what is right?” This, I think, is the essence of ethics. Seeking God and learning His ways so that our behavior is automatically governed by knowing what is right.
_____________________________
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
What have we to fear?
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The Hammer, The Fire And The File - 7/25/2009 9:54:11 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4192
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
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When the rug of Life gets pulled out from under us. When we get a figurative slap in the face. When yet another hope or dream dies. When we have endured the unendurable and must continue to do so. How do we respond? Do we react out of our anger or confusion or grief? Or do we step back and try to get a glimpse of the bigger picture?
Much is debated about whether God wills tragedy in our lives or merely allows it. To me this is irrelevant. The bottom line is that no matter what happens, whether it is consequences from our own sin or lack of judgment or God has intentionally created the circumstance we’re in or if it’s all the result of living in a fallen world, it just doesn’t matter. What does matter is that, regardless of what it is, it can be a tool in God’s hand to shape us. The deciding factor is our response and that is our choice. God will continue to use everything to shape us and knock off all our rough edges but how we respond determines the result and is the difference between wisdom and bitterness.
Those don’t sound like opposites - wisdom and bitterness. One would think that joy or happiness are the antithesis to bitterness. But I don’t think so. Many times we are unhappy or unable to sustain joy and are yet not bitter. Bitterness is the result of a lack of understanding of Who God is and what He purposes to accomplish in us. Bitterness says ‘I want’ and sinks deeper into itself when it does not get.
Wisdom, on the other hand, takes a step back and looks to God, knowing Who He is and what His purpose is, and asks ‘What will You teach me in this?’ and seeks the good that He will accomplish through it. Wisdom knows the truth of Romans 8:28 - And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose - and Philippians 1:6 - For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ - whether we can see the good now or not and knows that what is ultimately happening is the perfecting He desires.
My friend has a Spurgeon quote in her signature line - I owe more to the hammer and the fire and the file than to anything else in the Lord’s workshop. That is how wisdom comes to see hurt and tragedy and grief.
Wisdom has nothing to do with intelligence. Some of the simplest people have great wisdom while many of the most intelligent people I know are the most bitter.
Wisdom is clear-sighted while bitterness sees only through clouds of pain and resentment. Bitterness seeks to escape while wisdom endures the hottest part of the fire patiently even when there seems to be no end and while sometimes hanging on by the skin of one’s teeth. Wisdom never seeks pain but when it comes, and it will, knows that the quickest way out of it is through it.
The amazing thing here is that it is our choice how we respond. We choose whether to seek the good that God will accomplish in every circumstance or whether to allow the circumstance to put a blight in our hearts. The circumstances will happen, it remains for us to be shaped or to harden ourselves with bitterness.
But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5
_____________________________
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
What have we to fear?
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Where's the Grace? - 9/6/2009 3:13:42 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4192
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
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I have a serious character flaw. No kidding. I see it, I’m aware of it, I don’t particularly like it yet I don’t do much about it. It is this, I decline to extend grace to those who don’t extend grace to others. Not to me but to others. I am overly quick to jump in and champion anyone or any group of people who are being attacked or maligned or just made to feel like second class citizens by the words of others. And I don’t spare the offenders the cutting edge of my tongue. My motivation (as far as I can honestly tell) is to let those who are being cut by others know that there are people who understand and are in their corner and who will not stand silently by while they‘re being misunderstood and verbally flogged. But I jump in with both feet and zero tact or grace.
The more I think about it the more I see that it’s really despicable behavior on my part. And the worst thing is, I used to be one of those hyper-critical people who knew how everyone else should do things and never missed an opportunity to tell people just what that was. You’d think I’d have some compassion, wouldn’t you? But I don’t. I think the reason is that I hate that I was like that more than I hate what I’m doing now. And that’s no doubt why it brings out teeth and claws like nothing else does when I see someone else doing what I once did. I really despise the person I was. The one who was so caught up in doing everything “right” and had no patience with anyone who, in my twisted opinion, was doing it wrong. I recognize that critical attitude in someone else and how they hurt innocent people and I hurl myself into the fray.
So, in essence, I’ve merely switched my no-grace-zone from one group to another. My motives may be slightly better but my delivery is the same. What kind of a person am I? It almost doesn’t bear thinking about but, if I’m going to be honest with myself, I’ll have to.
I really did not want to write this. I’d very much sooner keep this one under wraps. But there’s a tiny, rational part of me which knows that if I don’t own up to it and call it the problem it is nothing will change. And as hard as it is, as much as I drag my feet and go along kicking and screaming sometimes, my goal is not to stay the same. I continue to try to want what God wants. I know that He wants me to be lavish with grace toward all others, not just the underdogs, and I’m failing at that. As much as I don’t want to fail, that’s not the biggest thing. The biggest thing is that He will not force me to be what He wants me to be. It’s up to me to keep trying to want what He wants in me. It’s not the failing or succeeding that’s the most important. It’s the trying. It’s the being willing to put myself under the chisel and let Him work. Were I to stop that, were I to become unwilling…well, now, that really is something that doesn’t bear thinking about.
_____________________________
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
What have we to fear?
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What Have We To Fear? - 10/10/2009 10:29:07 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4192
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
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2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of sound mind. KJV
For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. NAS
Fear is rampant in the Christian community. I see it over and over again among both the offline and online Church. I used to be one of the fear-filled Christians though I didn’t know I was afraid until I wasn’t anymore. Fear has no place in a believer's life but it’s often not obvious to what extent fear has us in its grip. Some of the manifestations of fear that I see most often occur thusly -
Single people have a whole slew of fears. They are afraid of the opposite gender for one thing. So much has been made of the differences between men and women in the church that we forget that we’re all people and not aliens from different planets. They are also afraid of doing something outside their ‘gender roles’ and displeasing God. Not wanting to displease God is a good thing but the underlying fear is that by displeasing God they’ve ruined their chance to find a mate. Let me repeat - what they are afraid of is missing out on what they want. In this scenario, avoiding doing anything to displease God is merely a means to an end.
Fear makes us crazy. Where is the sound mind?
Another place I see fear is in the ‘fence-building’ that so many people do to keep themselves from sinning. This seems to be fear of self. People seem to think that they can unwittingly fall into a sin that they clearly know is a sin. Adultery for example, although there are many others. People set up this, that and the other rule to follow, blindly and without exception, as though in living their lives their will could suddenly be taken over and they could be thrown into sin were they to step outside the narrow confines of their self-made rules. Don’t get me wrong, for one who knows oneself and know where one’s weaknesses are, safeguards are wisdom. But for those who engage in no introspection and have no real understanding of being renewed by the transforming of our minds, this is simply fear of self and fear of what one might do. Totally negating part of the Holy Spirit’s role in us.
People also often show fear of spiritual forces or doing something “pagan” like celebrating holidays. It’s not that I don’t think there are such things as demons. But what I don’t understand is, what have they to do with us? They fear us or, more accurately, Who is within us, not the other way around. What must the Holy Spirit think when we shy away from things that have no power whatsoever over us? When we tiptoe around and don’t do something because we’re afraid of what something supposedly represents? We hand over power in our lives when we are afraid of things that should have no power over us! God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power…and we give it away with our own weak-mindedness!
I'll give an example of the above kind of fear - there was a mom of some children my kids went to school with and she raised a terrible stink when the music teacher was teaching the kids ApologetiX songs that used popular rock music and Christian words. She, who had come to Christ as an adult, heard the music her child was playing, recalled the life she was living when the original rock song was popular and went off the deep end because of how it affected her. She took her emotional response as actually being some evil inherent in the music and insisted the school stop the music teacher from using those Christian songs in class or school programs.
And, finally, although this certainly isn’t an exhaustive list, people are afraid of life. They are afraid of all those things that go along with life in a fallen world. They are afraid of pain and trials and set-backs. They are afraid of other people and events and hardship. This is where a sound mind and discipline of thought would do so many people so much good. Some are afraid of other people and of getting their “hearts broken”. But, if my heart belongs to God, if whatever of myself I give to others is from Him first, my heart is in a safe place and, while others can indeed hurt me, the damage is minimal and certainly not fatal. People fear trials and change and the future. But if we think of things from an eternal perspective and, as much as we are able, God’s perspective, we know that God’s ultimate purpose is to conform us to the image of Christ. And everything that happens He can and will use to that purpose. This, I believe, is the meaning of Romans 8:28 “All things work together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.” The ultimate good is us becoming more and more Christ-like so what have we to fear from circumstances? What real damage can there be? To be sure, there are things that I really don’t want to happen. But do I fear them? Not in my best moments when I remember the goal, the prize at the end of the race. Paul was right when he said that these are light afflictions and don't compare with what's to come.
What have we to fear?
Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. NKJV
_____________________________
Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.
What have we to fear?
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