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RE: To Spank Or Not To Spank - One Stop Thread - 5/12/2009 8:39:04 AM
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Ajani
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Glad to see this topic. We do not spank, and it's always good to get the overall feel of a board about the topic. I find that I get jumped on at many Christian message boards when I say that we don't spank.
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RE: To Spank Or Not To Spank - One Stop Thread - 5/12/2009 9:45:56 AM
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Reba
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In school kids learn by different methods. One method of teaching does not fit all.
Same in family life. A spanking got my attention. Corner setting, todays time out, did nothing but make me angry. Taking away what ever i would just replace. My sister never wanted to disappoint Mom or Dad. I wanted to do what I wanted. I remember one time Dad whip off his belt and smacked Jacky for sassing Mom . Never heard Jack do it again.
The point here is what works for one kid may not work for the others in the same family! We should know our kids. Abuse is NEVER justified.
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RE: To Spank Or Not To Spank - One Stop Thread - 5/12/2009 1:19:14 PM
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Ajani
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
I don't jump on anyone unless they say that spanking is abusive.
Spank or don't spank, but be careful how you judge people who parent differently. 
Heck, I've been told that NOT spanking is abusive, and that my kids won't grow up to follow Jesus because we don't spank them. It really goes both ways.
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RE:Upset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 12:43:33 PM
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sarahdear
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RE:Upset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson (Previous thread)
I was unable to speak to my pastor today, but have made an appointment for Wednesday..in the meantime Alan will not look at me, and has said he will not have the ring removed regardless of any punishment. How do I make him? my husband will be furious and I am unwilling to go through that again.
< Message edited by sarahdear -- 6/29/2009 11:36:35 AM >
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 1:09:17 PM
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IwillseekHim
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Hi, your post was the first one I read this morning. And, I will be honest, I do not have the words to describe how I felt. It is in my opinion that it was way innappropriate for you to bare bottom spank your stepson. I have three teenage boys, never did I turn to this sort of tactic to discipline. Your husband is the one I am having to bite my tongue over at this moment. I see you as trying to submit and obey. But, I agree with the other post. What you did is real close to criminal. I do not for one minute believe God would see this as an appropriate form of punishment. I am now trying to be very selective in what I say. Short of keeping your eyes on the son twentyfour hours, you will not be able to stop him from masturbating. Goodness, that's what 14 year olds do. I really hope you do speak to your pastor, but more and most important, you speak to God and ask Him to help you. Sara, you are in my prayers because I sense in spirit of innocense about you and you did what you thought was right. Please keep us posted.
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 1:27:35 PM
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Sideways
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I don't blame your stepson for not wanting to look at you, though I do understand you were trying to submit to your authority figure.
Honestly, I think you have helped to breed a rebellious spirit into your stepson and short of throwing him out of the house or beating him black and blue, it doesn't sound like he's going to remove the ring just because of threats.
Family counseling sound like the only way to go, and if your husband will not agree to that, then for the sake of yourself and this poor boy, you need to go anyways. Men who try to rule their households by violence and fear are not living up their Biblical responsibilities.
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 4:50:33 PM
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stellaluna
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There are so many things wrong with this scenario, I'm not sure where to start with it.
First, how is it that you continually catch your stepson masturbating?
Second, you have to be very close and observant to recognize a frenum piercing and know what it is.
Three, I frankly find it a bit odd that a 14yo boy is submitting to this sort of punishment.
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 4:55:12 PM
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Hislittleone
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What 3cappsmom said in the other thread was excellent. Worth repeating:
quote:
Two things:
1. Your husband didn't force you. You chose to obey an order from him which dishonored God and may have broken laws and statutes of the land.
2. If you are so afraid of him that you cannot say "No" when he tells you to sin from across the ocean, then you need to get help. You must tell someone, embarassed or not. He's a military man, you need to work with his chain of command. That man needs his peers and authorities to knock his head off and screw it back on straight.
I have a (almost)13 year old son and wouldn't ever dream of spanking him, much less on the bare bottom. We used to spank occasionally but stopped as he got too old for it. There comes an age that is just too old for spanking. It becomes inappropriate because of the developing sexuality of the child/teen.
Sarah, how is it that you are walking in on this boy masturbating? The issue of privacy is one that needs to be addressed. You shouldn't be seeing him naked. Ever. Much less should you be touching his bare bottom with anything.
I'm sure that this was very harmful emotionally/mentally for this teenager just like bolt said. He may end up with a twisted view of sexuality because of this.
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Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 4:56:35 PM
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Hislittleone
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ORIGINAL: stellaluna
quote:
Second, you have to be very close and observant to recognize a frenum piercing and know what it is.
That has me puzzled as well. 
ETA: quote:
Alan will not look at me, and has said he will not have the ring removed regardless of any punishment. How do I make him? my husband will be furious and I am unwilling to go through that again.
You should probably just leave it alone for now. That's the least of your issues.
I think all three of you need some professional counseling. You need to learn when to submit and when it's sinful to do so. Your husband needs to learn a whole lot of things that I don't have time or space to go into right now. And Alan needs help in working through whatever issues he is facing from what you and his father did to him.
The LEAST of these problems is the ring.
You'll be lucky if all Alan does is refuse to look at you. If it'd been me at that age, I'd probably have run away.
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 5:13:42 PM
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sarahdear
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we had to take the door off his room when he started smoking, and sneaking his new friends into his room and cursing vilely...I don't know why he doesn't do 'it' in the shower or bath, but it is always in his room..it is a small room, and he was in PLAIN view...that is another issue....the reason I know it is the frenum is I was training to be a nurse before I had my daughter, and plan going back when she is a bit older...he submits because his father told he must..the boy loves and respects him and fears his anger (more than myself) so he obeys
< Message edited by sarahdear -- 6/28/2009 5:28:13 PM >
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 5:47:31 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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Dealing with a teenage boy's sexual misbehavior is *not* the business of a near-peer stepmom. That is the bottom line. Particularly not with humiliating, bare-bottomed paddling. Bad, bad, bad, BAD idea.I understand wanting to obey your husband, but if you obey him in a command to sin, you are culpable for that sin. God is your authority. If you submit to your husband in what the law considers abuse, then you will be legally an abuser and you may well have your young child taken away from you. You can remain respectful and humble as you refuse to dishonor God. You are going to need a strong backbone, family support, and preferably support from his chain of command. I would hope the military branch he's in would be loathe to support a man doing this to his family, because if it comes out in public it shames everybody who is responsible for him.
quote:
the boy loves and respects him and fears his anger (more than myself) so he obeys
If this boy has been treated in this manner all his life, any "love and respect" for his father it of the twisted kind. He is at high risk to abuse others (watch your baby, never leave the two of them alone), including his own wife and children.
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 5:50:17 PM
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Hislittleone
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Looks like taking the door off hasn't really changed any of his behavior. Why don't you consider putting it back on so that you don't see him naked anymore?
His father or another man is the one who needs to have talks with him about masterbation and growing up. Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle is an excellent book that my husband went through with our son. I highly recommend it.
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 5:53:34 PM
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Hislittleone
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Excellent points, Maggie. I didn't even think of how he could possibly act out in an abusive manner towards his young step-sister. Sarah, definitely be watchful of that over time. I'm sure this boy has some serious problems because of the way his dad is.
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 6:03:35 PM
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bolt.
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The first-line solution to this problem is at your local hardware store.
1. Bolt his window shut.
2. Put the door back on his room.
3. Empty everything out of his room except for his bed, bedding, dresser and a few items of clothing. Take any items he particularly likes to your car and lock them in the trunk. Put the keys in your pocket and leave them there. Take away any personal possessions such as a phone or walkman too. (Or have his dad instruct him to hand them over to you, if he keeps them 'on him'.)
4. Get a key-based locks for the entrances to your house, lock them when you are in and when you are out, and keep the keys on you.
5. Tell him that he is confined to the house for the next four weeks (except for family outings). If he behaves well he may be anywhere he likes in the house. If he behaves badly, such as cursing, disobeying, or trying to get out -- that he will be confined to his room. (Any time you go out, require him to come with you. Do not leave him home alone.)
6. When you next speak to your husband, gain his support for this plan, and have him add his authority to yours.
7. Treat your stepson with courtesy and respect, and try to live peaceably with him as much as possible. Pray for him and bless him. Do an ongoing Bible study at supper time, and try to show him the life and peace that Jesus offers him. As his behaviour improves, offer him back his possessions, and gift him with privileges (not 'going out with friends' privileges). Try to get him involved with a youth group -- he will be grateful for the outing.
8. If he does not treat you with respect, calmly send him to his room -- nothing more is required. If he does not go, say, calmly and with authority, Are you choosing to disobey me? I will report your defiance to your`
father. Since he physically can`t get out of the house anyways, and he probably doesn`t want to be yelled at by his by his dad, I think this will be quite enough of a discipline structure.
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 6:12:38 PM
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Hislittleone
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Normally I'd agree with bolt but this situation is different. This child could very well be a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. Being restricted like that may just push him over the edge if the bare bottom spanking hasn't already done so.
Sarah, I think you need to apologize to Alan (and God) for what you did. Explain how you were wrong and that it won't ever happen again. Doing that might help to mend the relationship a little. Hopefully he will be able to forgive you and your husband.
I really, really think your first step needs to be professional counseling.
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 6:42:20 PM
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bolt.
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The more I think, I'm leaning towards some of what you say, Hislittleone.
He does need an apology and counseling more than he needs to be confined and supervised -- but I'm concerned he is engaging in unsafe behaviours, which are an immediate danger. I don't think it's safe to have him at free-range in the interim while the counselling gets set up.
The admission of wrong (without blaming dad) needs to be happening right away.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 8:25:55 PM
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cynthia
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Sarahdear, I agree with others that are saying this is an abuse issue and you have now become an abuser by obeying the commands of an angry and abusive husband. No woman should fear her husband or his anger. No child should either. This situation is extremely serious and out of control. Now that your husband is away is the very best time to act and get help. Does anyone know who she can call for help without ending up in jail with her children taken away? At this point, this mother has committed what I think is sexual child abuse.
This woman and the step-son need help immediately. Definitely before the father returns.
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 9:09:44 PM
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Sideways
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Well, if this was a one-time abuse, and the mother comes clean about it, that will count a lot with the authorities. Saying "I screwed up. Here's what happened and why. I'm not ever going to do it again." will actually go a long way, I think. But I can't say for absolutely certain. Much could depend on where she lives.
It's possible she could end up as a registered sex offender, but I don't see that as very likely. Honestly, though, if a friend in real life told me that she'd done this once, I'd tell her to seek immediate counseling and never do it again. If she told me she did this twice, I'd call CPS.
_____________________________
Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream.
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 9:13:03 PM
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stellaluna
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Where is the boy's mother?
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 9:14:56 PM
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cynthia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
It's possible she could end up as a registered sex offender, but I don't see that as very likely.
I agree. I think Sarah needs to get help asap, before this goes any futher. Hiding it is only going to make it worse and once the husband gets back it is likely to get much worse than it already is. If there is no one she can seek help from who can keep it confidential, she needs to seek help anyway. Maybe a battered woman's shelter or crisis center can help her find resources.
Sarah, if you seek help now, you have a much better chance of making things better and being on a good footing when your husband returns. If you don't do anything now, things will eventually get to the point where you will wish you had gotten help while it was much easier.
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My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/28/2009 9:32:19 PM
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cynthia
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Something else I was thinking: Many women who are in abusive situations do not realize it. They think this is normal or that all husbands are that way. But the truth is that if you are afraid of your husband something is terribly wrong and you are very likely in an abusive situation. Husband are to love their wives. Love does not breed fear. It breeds trust.
Based on what you have said here, Sarah, you are in an abusive situation.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/29/2009 12:26:57 AM
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sarahdear
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After talking to my former pastor and my sister, I have packed up the car and am returning to the town we moved from (5 hours)..my sister and her husband live there and myself and Alan will be able to recieve guidance from our pastor, and have my sister to lean on. This is a lovely man, who Alan and my husband has a good relationship in past. thanks for all the good advice-i will keep you posted God Bless
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RE: RE:UUpset at husband for forcing me to paddle stepson - 6/29/2009 1:06:56 AM
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IwillseekHim
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sarahdear, I am impressed with how quick this has turned around. I am praying for you and son. Sounds like you are making the first steps to correcting this. I hope you have apologized to Alan and you both can move forward. Please, please keep us posted. I believe I can go to sleep feeling better that you are acknowledging the problem and are willing to do what it takes to make this right. If you are his only mother, he so needs you. And, the least of your worries is the piercing right now. Thank God for your sister and family for them taking you in. God bless you, Sarah!
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