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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/17/2009 4:34:10 PM
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cynthia
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From the article I linked above:
quote:
All of my children but one were married by private contract. They did not ask the state for permission to marry. I wrote a one-page covenant for them, something like a private contract, that stated their commitment to enter into holy matrimony according to Biblical precepts, a few of which were enumerated. The contractual part of the wedding consisted of their verbal pledges of marriage and their signing the pledge in front of all present. Parents also signed the pledge, committing to the union, and then siblings and friends signed it as well. In unison, all present pronounced them man and wife by the power vested in us from God. They later took a copy of the document to the courthouse and had it notarized and filed. They have never failed to gain equal status before the law as being legally married.
Culty family enclave? That made me giggle.
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/17/2009 6:27:52 PM
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toryjoe1109
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Thanks to all of you. I asked the question because we are having some difficulties with our nine year old son. This is what I thought of today. Tell me what you think.
I am going to post a list of rules in my sons room on bright poster board.
For serious offenses, he will get a spanking. (not sure if I want to use a rod or not) ex. lying, hurting others or animals, etc. ( we have to be very specific with him.)
Less serious, we are doing time outs using a timer.
And if necessary, taking a toy away.
We still have a lot of work to do but I thought this could be a good start.
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/17/2009 7:56:37 PM
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kohls356
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To be honest with you I think your son is too old for spankings and time-outs.
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/17/2009 8:14:17 PM
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cynthia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kohls356
To be honest with you I think your son is too old for spankings and time-outs.
How old is the son?
I started putting my son into time out recently and I was amazed at how effective it was with him. He is nine. When I used that on him when he was smaller, it didn't work at all.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/17/2009 8:20:45 PM
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toryjoe1109
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My son is nine. He has been diagnosed with ADHD. He is not on any meds. They were more negative than positive. I don't understand why he would be too old. What is a better consequence?
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/17/2009 8:29:54 PM
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cynthia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: toryjoe1109
My son is nine. He has been diagnosed with ADHD. He is not on any meds. They were more negative than positive. I don't understand why he would be too old. What is a better consequence?
My son is nine. He has the classic symptoms of ADHD. We have never had him tested and he is not on any medication. My husband and I have both been diagnosed with ADHD, so I know a lot about it by personal experience, reading, etc.
I had my son stand in the corner. I put the timer on for ten minutes and he had to stand there without saying a word. I would not speak to him, except to tell him to be quiet. If he spouted off, I would stop the timer and start over. After ten minutes we would have a gentle talk where I would instruct him and I would ask him to repent. If he did not, he went back into the corner for ten more minutes with the same rules. We did this several times over the course of a couple of weeks. It was very difficult and sometimes I had to stand behind him and hold him in the corner. However, that combined with some other things, like learning how to better respond to his manipulative tactics, has had a very positive impact on him.
He has been making a lot of progress in the last few months. He will be ten in August. I was amazed at the positive impact that having him stand in the corner had on him, especially at his age.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/17/2009 8:48:40 PM
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kohls356
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Oh well my children are not ADHD so maybe it would work for him. I still am not sure about spanking a 9 year old though.
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/17/2009 9:00:23 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7005
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kohls356
Oh well my children are not ADHD so maybe it would work for him. I still am not sure about spanking a 9 year old though.
It depends on the child. Spanking my nine year old son is pointless. It doesn't work for him at all. Never really did. Worked great with my daughters though. However, I hardly ever spanked either of them and by the time they were nine, they rarely needed anything more than a talking to and prayer.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/17/2009 9:08:47 PM
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bolt.
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Grounding, chores, essays, loss of privilidges, loss of status, loss of dessert, being made to turn summersaults, being made to sing a song, being called to appologize, giving away his things, making him walk barefoot, making him wear a way-too-hot hat, spaying him with water, refusing to buy things he likes, cancelling fun plans, pretending to have had fun plans that you cancelled, cutting his hair, making him wear sunglasses (if he doesn't like it), making him help you cook, making him listen to classical music...
The possiblities are endless.
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/17/2009 9:41:27 PM
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toryjoe1109
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Cynthia. I will definitely try that. As for the manipulation, how did you get that under control? That is a big issue with him.
Bolt. I have never heard of any of those as a consequence.
(sing a song, walking bare foot,making him wear a way-too-hot hat, spraying him with water, cutting his hair, listen to classical music)
He probably would think all of those was fun. Some of those sounds either fun or it might hurt his self esteem. I don't know. But thanks for the input.
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/17/2009 9:48:04 PM
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bolt.
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I'm not of the opinion that all consequences have to be not-fun. My point would be for him to 'make up' for whatever he did wrong -- to sing a song to cheer up the people that you previously dampened by expressing bad attitude may be fun for all concerned, but it still teaches the point that needs to be learned.
I would only do something like cut his hair for a hair-related offense (like refusing to shower for 2 weeks). I was just trying to broaden your horizons a little. Think outside the box.
And I don't think anything has the potential to hurt the self esteem of a boy that wants to be a man more than being bodily lifted, bent and hit by someone that's so big and intimidating that resistance is futile. Nothing says 'powerless' like that does.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/17/2009 11:02:53 PM
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toryjoe1109
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ok. I see what you are saying. I guess I misunderstood the last post. Thanks.
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/18/2009 9:25:42 AM
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toryjoe1109
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No. But because of the way that he thinks, we have to be very specific.
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/20/2009 10:10:01 AM
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W.O.F.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
Link to crazy article by Michael Pearl. I recall a page dedicated to the marriage of one of his children, which stated that they did not have a marriage license, but that was a number of years ago and I don't know if it's still up or not.
I'm passing on this information not to refute anything that WOF said, but to put more information out there for those on the fence about the Pearls.
Like I said...I am not a fan of theirs...so I don't usually read their stuff (other than their original book and some articles by one of their daughters that is in a homeschooling mag I get) so wow..that was news to me.
While I don't agree with him on everything in that article...I do think it is warrented to point out that he is NOT against registering one's marriage legally...he is against the state having the authority to issue that certificate. He suggest writing a private contract and having it notarized and filed with the state...the state sees that as a legal marriage contract, but they did not "issue" it.
It is a weird, and it is all in the semantics.
but then...as I said...they are little off in a lot of different areas.....
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Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/20/2009 10:15:50 AM
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W.O.F.
Posts: 1653
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quote:
ORIGINAL: toryjoe1109
Thanks to all of you. I asked the question because we are having some difficulties with our nine year old son. This is what I thought of today. Tell me what you think.
I am going to post a list of rules in my sons room on bright poster board.
For serious offenses, he will get a spanking. (not sure if I want to use a rod or not) ex. lying, hurting others or animals, etc. ( we have to be very specific with him.)
Less serious, we are doing time outs using a timer.
And if necessary, taking a toy away.
We still have a lot of work to do but I thought this could be a good start.
Having that specific chart will go a long way with him...especially if he is ADHD...they NEED lists and reminders...because they have a hard time focusing.
Don't just post this is their rooms.....post it in the hallway, in the kitchen, etc.
I would also suggest making sure you 'catch' him being good...and reward him. NOT bribe...but reward. Rewards come unexpectedly and are not a regular thing for a give behaviour...but are things given at different times...they never know when they are going to be rewarded....but...
DO however always verbally commend and encourage him in things he does "right".
Things like "hey...I really like how you kept at it to clean your room today...I know that's hard and boring...but your room looks GREAT!!! (or better if he didn't completely finish."
Disciplining is about training...and that means commending and rewarding fit into the big picture as well....
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/20/2009 12:06:57 PM
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toryjoe1109
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We do give a lot of praise. I think I figured out a little with him. I spent the day with just him and we talked for a few hours with a couple of breaks in between. I think as a boy, he has this sense of needing to have some control and being a leader. I found some things that he can be in control of. I think I was also letting the little things he does, that don't really matter, get to me. Now , I pick my battles. It seems to really be working.
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/20/2009 12:39:48 PM
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hnt
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That's awesome toryjoe!
I have a chorebag for my ADHD son. Its little slips of paper with 5 minute chores. He slips up, and he has to pull one of the chores out to do. Once he is finished I will let him know what a fine job he did, because I think at times when it comes to ADHD encouragment at times can be hard! LOL They can drive you up a wall!
As he got older the chores got longer than 5 minutes. The point was more concentrate on STOPPING to think before acting. lol these kids don't always have a 'pause' button, and don't always stop before doing something! The thought of the chores makes him slow down long enough to make better decisions. It will be a plus down the road as well - he will know HOW to do things properly! I think we all need that!
Just think about your bad weeks for a moment! YOU will have the cleanest HOUSE on the block! 
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Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/23/2009 3:22:06 PM
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W.O.F.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: hnt
That's awesome toryjoe!
I have a chorebag for my ADHD son. Its little slips of paper with 5 minute chores. He slips up, and he has to pull one of the chores out to do. Once he is finished I will let him know what a fine job he did, because I think at times when it comes to ADHD encouragement at times can be hard! LOL They can drive you up a wall!
As he got older the chores got longer than 5 minutes. The point was more concentrate on STOPPING to think before acting. lol these kids don't always have a 'pause' button, and don't always stop before doing something! The thought of the chores makes him slow down long enough to make better decisions. It will be a plus down the road as well - he will know HOW to do things properly! I think we all need that!
Just think about your bad weeks for a moment! YOU will have the cleanest HOUSE on the block!
the chore thing works for NON adhd kids as well.....because all kids need a pause button installed....it just comes a little easier for some!
We have done a similar thing with ours.
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Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: to spank or not to spank - 7/23/2009 6:14:48 PM
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mamajennleigh
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From: Fuquay-Varina, NC
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hnt, what an awesome idea! I think I'm going to try that this coming week with my two middle boys. They have been staying up too late so grumpiness is in abundance. A few chores will get my house cleaner and might just improve their attitudes!
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RE: To Spank Or Not To Spank - One Stop Thread - 8/5/2009 10:05:28 AM
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PDeverit
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Child buttock-battering vs. DISCIPLINE:
Child buttock-battering for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.
Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing, and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.
I think the reason why television shows like "Supernanny" and "Dr. Phil" are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do.
There are several reasons why child buttock-battering isn't a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals:
Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak,
The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson,
NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor M.D. and Adah Maurer Ph.D.
Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional sexual abuse for some children. There is an abundance of educational literature, testimony, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research on the topic.
Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child buttock-battering isn't a good idea:
American Academy of Pediatrics
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
Center For Effective Discipline
PsycHealth Ltd Behavioral Health Professionals
Churches' Network For Non-Violence
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu
Parenting In Jesus' Footsteps
Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children
United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child
Countries where child buttock-battering is prohibited by law:
Sweden, Finland, Norway, Austria, Cyprus, Italy, Denmark, Latvia, Croatia, Bulgaria, Germany, Israel, Iceland, Ukraine, Romania, Hungary, Greece, Netherlands, New Zealand, Portugal, Uruguay, Venezuela, Chile, Spain, Costa Rica, Republic of Moldova, and more in process.
In fact the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child was the US.
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RE: To Spank Or Not To Spank - One Stop Thread - 8/5/2009 12:47:01 PM
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W.O.F.
Posts: 1653
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From: an ignoble beginning
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and yet studies done at Harvard, and Princeton show that those families that do practice controlled spanking....have LESS abuse overall than those who do not practice spanking.
Sweden's teen crime rate has climbed steadily since the 1970's when they outlawed spanking of children....
and yes...the US did not ratify the convention of the child...because most Americans do not want their children belonging to the state anymore than they already do.
Some of the countries listed that have ratified the convention have some of the worst records of child abuse and human rights issues in the world (Thailand and India for example think nothing of trafficking children for sexual slavery....).
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: To Spank Or Not To Spank - One Stop Thread - 8/5/2009 4:02:26 PM
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mamajennleigh
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From: Fuquay-Varina, NC
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That's a new term to me, as well. I agree with both Maggie and W.O.F. - my children don't belong to the State.
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RE: To Spank Or Not To Spank - One Stop Thread - 8/6/2009 5:09:37 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7005
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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The fight over the U.N. Convention for the Rights of the Child is not over in this country. There are many people that want it radified. We have to continue to fight against that. It will likely take away many of our parenting rights.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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