What is active listening:
“Hearing is listening to what is said. Listening is hearing what isn’t said.” Simon Sinek
Here are two helpful definitions:
• Active listening requires the listener to pay close attention to what is being communicated verbally and nonverbally. The listener is encouraged to interpret not only the content of what is being said, but also the emotions present and the body language.
• Active listening is fundamentally the ability to attentively understand the meaning behind the words of the speaker without the intrusion of your own thought, opinions, and judgment on the matter. Unlike the simple act of listening to words, active listening involves understanding why the person may be feeling a certain way, where they are coming from, and the message you are receiving.
“In the moment focusing instead on what is behind the words can help them feel seen and loved.” Samantha Kelley
Why active listening is important:
“I waited while you spoke, I listened to your reasoning; while you were searching for words, I gave you my full attention.” Job 32:11
• Active listening makes the person sharing feel valued and heard.
• Sometimes unarticulated thoughts and feelings can come to the surface if we know that someone is truly hearing us.
• In some situations, the person speaking may have no one to share with because those close to them are also affected by the situation and they don’t want to add to their burden.
• Just being an empathetic presence can be enough to help someone get through a difficult time.
• It can feel lonely and isolating when you believe there is no one who truly understands what you’re going through.
The Talmud states, “The deeper the sorrow the less tongue it has.”
How to actively listen:
To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. Proverbs 18:13
The Value of the Pause:
• Be completely present. Allow for silence as they struggle to express a feeling or pause to think. Don’t interrupt.
• In general, wait two seconds after a person is finished speaking before chiming in with your comments. Offering a short pause will show the speaker that you’re listening to what they’re saying, and you want to be thoughtful in your response.
• Take a brief pause after they finish speaking to compose your thoughts. This will require conscious effort. People think about four times faster than other people talk so you’ve got spare brainpower when you’re a listener. Use it to stay focused and take in as much information as possible.
Techniques:
“I know you believe that you understood what you think I said but I am not sure you realize that what you think you heard is not what I said.” Anonymous
• Mirroring is the first level of active listening. It involves repeating the words or phrases of the speaker to show that you are paying attention and engaged in what they are saying.
• Paraphrasing is the second level of active listening. It is restating in your own words the speaker's ideas to verify whether you understood them correctly. Paraphrasing is used by the listener to check their understanding of the content being shared.
• Reflecting is the third level of active listening. It is clarifying the speaker's intent and feelings to validate that the listener has understood them correctly. (e.g., “It sounds like you were excited when…”) Reflecting goes beyond content to check the listeners understanding of how the speaker feels about what is being said.
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