Body language:
“You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.” M Scott Peck
• Good listeners seek to understand as completely as possible how the speaker views or relates to his or her world. Is nonverbal behavior consistent with the verbal statement they are making?
• Even if you know you are listening intently to someone, you must show it through your body language for them to be sure.
• Active listening requires the listener to pay close attention to what is being communicated verbally and nonverbally. The listener is encouraged to interpret not only the content of what is being said, but also the emotions present and the body language.
Bring the right perspective:
“Listening is giving the other person the experience of being heard.” Bix Beckson
• You can’t come into a conversation with an agenda. You need to process what the other person is saying, rather than formulate your response while they’re still talking.
• It can be tough, but it’s critical to wait for the end of the speaker’s thoughts before formulating a response. When you’re thinking about what you’re going to say next while the speaker is still talking, you’re not receiving all the information that’s being offered because you’re no longer listening. This gets you ahead with what you want to say but lets the speaker’s message pass you by.
• Avoid comparing the person's experiences to your own experiences even if the situations are similar.
• Respond to the feelings being shared. After listening, and when a response is appropriate, the listener should respond to the feeling of what was said. In this way, the speaker feels understood and empathy is established.
• Don’t tell them that what they feel, or think is wrong
• Their problem or faulty thinking may be apparent to you, but they must come to that realization themselves.
• Avoid forming judgements as you listen. A judgement is any thought; positive or negative, you have about what is being shared. When you have these internal thoughts in reaction to their sharing, you’re inherently focusing on what you think instead of what they have to say.
“Silence is like white space in design, it surrounds what’s important!” Kate Murphy
How to convey that you’re actively listening:
• Make eye contact.
• Nod your head; confirm.
• Use your eyebrows and expressions of emotions to show that you’re paying attention.
• Lean in towards them.
• Open your physical presence to encourage them to continue.
Barriers to active listening:
• Remember, you’re not there to fix things.
• Suggesting solutions or giving advice can create a barrier. Although it may seem well meaning, the urge to suggest solutions often comes from discomfort with what the speaker is saying. While it may seem supportive, it creates an imbalance of power in the dynamic. The speaker is left feeling unheard, and they are disempowered to create their own solutions.
• By allowing them to speak without interruption, the speaker is able to work through and understand their own situation more quickly.
• Don’t expect them to open up immediately. Be patient and willing to just listen without giving any advice.
• Another barrier is avoiding what the person is sharing. This may manifest as diverting the conversation away, logically arguing, or even reassuring. Again, while reassurance seems comforting, it often shuts down or ends the conversation for the other person.
“People’s problems are like onions—they come in layers. Only after the outside layers are peeled off do they get down to the core problem. Sometimes people know what the real problem is but are afraid to start there; more often they are not even aware of what is underneath. When a person starts out talking to you about their problem, you generally hear only the ‘presenting problem.’ Active Listening effectively facilitates the speaker to move through the presenting problem and finally get down to the core problem.” Dr. Thomas Gordon