After many years as a Christian I have been suddenly aware of so much unconfessed sin in my life ( materialism, unforgiveness, mixed motives in an often prayerless ministry, judging others, envy and sins of the tongue).
I believed I was serving God but it as if I am suddenly aware that I have ignored the Spirit’s prompting for many years. I have tried to repair what I can and we are now tithing again and I have done some apologising where possible and repented of my hardened heart.
However, I feel only condemnation, not forgiveness and have a strong conviction that I am past forgiveness and have outraged the Holy Spirit and trampled on the precious blood of Christ as I have sinned against light for so long.
I wonder if I have never truly loved God or been born again as my love for Christ has been so fickle.
I am deeply distressed and would appreciate prayer.
Just the fact that you are questioning this shows a sign that you are very much a child of God. The people that Jesus was talking about here.
“When anyone hears the word of the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what has been sown in his heart. This is what was sown along the path.
As for what was sown on rocky ground, this is the one who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy, yet he has no root in himself, but endures for a while, and when tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately he falls away.” Matthew 13:19-21
I believe He is talking about the unsaved. They simply fall away, and that is that. Perhaps you fall into this category.
“As for what was sown among thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful.” Matthew 13:22
This is a saved person; however, they are not producing much fruit. You may not be receiving all the blessings that God has for you, because you may be too focused on wordly thing and not enough on Him.
No, that is conviction for something. I do not know, nor do I need to know, what the main core sin you are dealing with is. That is between you and God. As I said, this is not a bad thing that you are asking. It is a good sign. Find that core sin, and pray about it. Repent of it. Even if you stumble or fall, keep trying to do the best you can. If you feel you have multiple sins, deal with them one at a time. Like paying off debt. The difference here is that our debt is already paid.
As for that one sin it would be carelessness - I read plenty of Christian books and follow an online prayer app daily but my Bible reading itself has been sporadic until recently, even when on the mission field and active in church.
What frightens me is that God’s Word has not convicted me of my sin for so long and I have not done to death any known sin ( materialism/ envy etc) often not recognising that God is talking to me when these sins occur in the Bible. Now I see warnings against these everywhere and am afraid that the Spirit withdrew from me ( reprobation), hence not feeling conviction.
I so long to know God’s presence - I have never felt his love , even as a new believer .
It’s a truth of the Christian life that the more we come to know Christ and to grow in understanding of God that the more we understand the depth of our sinfulness and the value of his sacrifice for us. You can be sure that “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). I know it can be a circular train of thought to wonder if you have truly repented and made a true confession, but I think that is the enemy trying to steal our joy in Christ. Praying for you! God can and does use even the small amount of faith we have to grow us to know him more. He will reveal to you what you need when you need to know it.
As the late pastor Tim Keller has said, “The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”
Dear Meltee ,
You should be aware that feeling is a sign of being born again. Those who believe in Christ Jesus are not condemned. You are a good Christian, therefore don’t worry. You’re forgiven .
yours,
Keith
If you are seeing the warnings, He is there, He is showing you. You know it to be true. The flesh is a nasty little thing. It craves things of the flesh. It is not going to feel something against its nature. Look at Paul.
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate, I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.
For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” Romans 7:15-20
It has been my experience that the further I fell away, the less I could hear His voice. I would recommend getting back into reading the Bible and praying, starting with small steps. Focus on one sin at a time. When you feel the urge to do something, don’t delay addressing it. Try your best to avoid it. Identify the triggers for those desires and eliminate them as much as possible. Ask yourself, “Do I need this?” and “Will this help me get closer to God?”.
The truth is, the Spirit has not left you. God has not left you. He is waiting for you to hear, see, and repent of those things you know you need to repent of. Don’t try to change everything overnight. It will be a constant battle, but it’s the good fight. We all have to start somewhere.