Got pregnant by a married man from church

Marriage
1

Hey there,

I need advice on how to talk to his wife. I’ll try to keep it short. I always had a crush on a guy from church (28) and his wife (21) is one of my best friends. I (18) spend lots of time with them both, often babysitting their son and his wife told me many times (probably as a joke) that it’d be so great for me to be their second wife. It just fueled my fantasies even more and recently she went to her home country to visit her family and asked me to stay at their home to babysit their toddler son while her husband is working. I asked her if she’s not worried to leave her man alone with another woman, like what if I end up sleeping with him or something and she just said “you’re already part of the family”.

To be clear, she never seriously said that she really wants me to be his second wife.

However, the third night (yesterday), we came quite close and it felt like a spark between us, and I decided to do it. After the shower I went straight to him in his bedroom and seduced him. I said his wife would be okay with it and I finally got what fantasized about for so long, yet I didn’t think further than that.

This morning I confessed to him that I lied and counted the days. Turns out I was ovulating yesterday and chances are high that I’m pregnant now. Still have to make the test in 2 weeks.

Question is, how to continue from here? Shall I ask his wife if I could really become his second wife or shall I keep my distance from them?

2

Welcome to the Forum @leasel

You seem to have gotten yourself in quite a mess. Covetousness comes forth in our lives for various reasons. Pride. Greed. Desire. Fear. What is Covetousness? It is marked by an inordinate desire for wealth or possessions or for another’s possessions and a craving for possession and power. Not only is this a bad habit to have, but it is also a Spiritual Law. As a matter of fact, it is so predominant in human nature that God felt it necessary to make it the Tenth Commandment.

“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.”Exodus 20:17

It is human nature to see what someone else has and want that. This is why God warns us against it. If you do not greedily desire, AKA Covet, anything, especially from those you love, you won’t commit adultery, you will not steal from, and of course, murder them.

What about one of the greatest kings to ever live? King David. What the Word of God calls a man after God’s own heart.

“It happened, late one afternoon, when David arose from his couch and was walking on the roof of the king’s house, that he saw from the roof a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful. And David sent and inquired about the woman. And one said, “Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?” So David sent messengers and took her, and she came to him, and he lay with her. (Now she had been purifying herself from her uncleanness.) Then she returned to her house. And the woman conceived, and she sent and told David, “I am pregnant.”

He got up from a nap and went outside to see what he could see, and he saw a beautiful naked woman bathing. He could have looked away. He could have gone back inside. Instead? He kept watching. He asked who she was, and take a look at the response. “Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?”

This is the wife of Uriah. Who is Uriah? He is an elite soldier in the army of David. Chances are, King David knew and had seen Uriah and his wife on numerous occasions. Even if he did not initially recognize her, someone told him who she was. Then this happened. “David sent messengers and took her, and she came to him, and he lay with her.” Does that sound like she chose this? Can you say she was forced to go to the king? Now, because David coveted Bathsheba, it led to this point, kidnapping, and rape. Then a pregnancy. Read on, it gets worse. David coveted Bathsheba. This led to kidnapping, rape, lies, and murder. It goes on to say how God killed the child.

Now we can set aside the whole premarital sex thing. For you and your friends, just deal with this. You betrayed your friend’s trust. He gave in and cheated on his girlfriend, and now you say you think there is a possibility of you being pregnant, which indicates no protection was used.

First, you HAVE to tell your friend. Second, you cannot do this again. You have to be honest. If God blesses you with a Child, then God has a plan and a purpose for that child. It is not something to be murdered.

Now you said you know him from Church. I’m hoping that means you are saved, and you understand the truth in this manner. Pray. Tell, and repent. It will be a difficult thing, but in the long run, remember, “we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 May God be with you, during this time, and forevermore.

Peter

1 Like
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Thank you for this!

Of course abortion is no option for me. I have talked with her about everything and she is of course very shocked but also she said it kinda makes sense since she let her husband alone with a girl 10 years younger than him for several days and nights. I honestly expected this to be the end of our friendship but instead she thinks what’s the best way she can help me in this situation, even offering me to move in with them and live like a second wife with them. I am so overwhelmed with everything currently, my life is shifting 180 degrees… I mean idk if I could be as merciful as her (she’s probably mad at her man though).

I only don’t know how our church would react to that. He’s not in any leadership position but is the main financial donor. If I became a second wife to him, would the church expell us all?

Afterall, Luther wasn’t against it and I don’t see it could be a sin, but most churches in Europe might think otherwise.

4

That could be the Holy Spirit. I think she probably knew before you told her. If you decide to go through with it, I would suggest not saying anything to the church. You are right, some agree, and some disagree. In the long run, God knows the outcome of it all. Trust in Him, especially if you find out you are pregnant.

Peter

5

We cannot just not tell the church. People will ask who’s the father, why I live with them, one day also being asked by my child who’s the father

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Which Church are you affiliated with, if I may ask @leasel ?

J.

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We’re generally conservative, a mix of baptist, lutheran and calvinist

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This is a sensitive matter, sister/sorella, and I am not certain that I am the right person to offer counsel on it.

Johann.

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I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I will pray for you and all involved. This is quite the predicament you’ve gotten into. Are your parents an option to offer counsel?

10

I told my parents and they think I shall marry him to be a second wife according to

Deuteronomy 22:28–29

“If a man finds a young woman who is a virgin, who is not betrothed, and he seizes her and lies with her, and they are found, then the man who lay with her shall give to the young woman’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife, because he has violated her; he may not divorce her all his days.” (ESV)

11

You are not going to appreciate this @leasel

First, ~Deuteronomy 22:28–29 applies to an unbetrothed virgin and an unmarried man within ancient Israel’s covenant law structure. The scenario assumes both are free to marry. It does not address a married man taking another wife after adultery. That is already a different legal category.

Second, in the same chapter, ~Deuteronomy 22:22 states plainly: if a man is found lying with a married woman, both are guilty. Adultery is treated as a capital offense under Mosaic law. The Torah does not solve adultery by institutionalizing it as polygamy.

Third, the law in 22:28–29 functions to prevent a man from exploiting a young woman and then abandoning her. It imposes financial and lifelong responsibility. It is not a loophole for expanding a marriage portfolio.

Now to the modern claim you described sister.

If a married man impregnates a woman and she appeals to this verse to justify becoming his “second wife,” several problems arise:

The man is already bound by covenant marriage. Scripture treats marriage as a binding one-flesh union (~Genesis 2:24).

Adultery violates that covenant (~Exodus 20:14).

The Deuteronomy text is not written as a universal moral command but as a civil case law within ancient Israel’s theocratic system.

The New Testament tightens marital exclusivity. Jesus appeals to creation, not case law, in ~Matthew 19:4–6 and reaffirms monogamous permanence.

Even in the Old Testament, while polygamy existed, it is never prescribed as a remedy for sexual sin. It is tolerated descriptively, not mandated prescriptively.

Also, the Hebrew legal structure assumed tribal land inheritance, patriarchal guardianship, and bride-price economics. None of those structures exist in modern civil society. You cannot lift an ancient agrarian covenant statute and paste it onto a contemporary adulterous relationship as if it were a divine endorsement.

If anything, Deuteronomy 22 imposes consequences, not privileges. It binds the man and protects the woman’s economic survival. It does not validate moral wrongdoing.

Theologically, sin does not become sanctified by formalizing it. Scripture’s trajectory moves toward covenant faithfulness, not expansion of sexual arrangements after breach.

If someone is invoking that verse to legitimize becoming a “second wife” to a married man, they are misapplying covenant case law to justify adultery. That is not careful hermeneutics. That is using Scripture as post hoc moral cover.

There is a difference between describing ancient legal mechanisms and prescribing modern relational structures.

And this situation is not a textual puzzle. It is a moral one.

You agree sorella?

J.

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I thought adultery is a man (married or unmarried) sleeping with a married woman.

Can you prove me with scripture that adultery also means a married man with an unmarried woman? Because when I read the bible it never says a man can’t have two wives, but rather gives rules for these cases (like providing for both etc)

Of course I really wanna be his second wife but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna twist scripture to my liking. I just need definitive proof that I am wrong and what I should do next

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I’m not saying you are twisting scriptures to your liking @leasel -just hear me out, please.

In the Mosaic Law, adultery is most explicitly defined as sexual relations with another man’s wife. ~Leviticus 20:10 states that if a man commits adultery with his neighbor’s wife, both shall be put to death. That is the clearest legal definition in Torah. So you are correct that the Old Testament often frames adultery in terms of violating another man’s marriage covenant.

However, that is not the whole biblical picture.

The deeper principle of marriage is established in ~Genesis 2:24: “a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” The pattern given is singular. One man, one woman, one flesh. That is not merely narrative. Jesus treats it as normative.

Now move forward.

In ~Exodus 20:14, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” The command is absolute. It does not define adultery narrowly. The broader covenant ethic is sexual exclusivity within marriage.

Now to the crucial New Testament clarification.

Jesus directly addresses this in ~Matthew 19:4–6. He does not appeal to Mosaic case laws permitting polygamy. He appeals to creation: “Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female… Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh.” He restores the Genesis design as binding.

More directly relevant is ~Matthew 19:9: “Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery.”

Notice leasel, adultery is committed by a married man who marries another. The text does not say “if the second woman is married.” The act of taking another while still bound to the first is itself called adultery.

Also consider ~Mark 10:11–12: “Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.” The adultery is against his wife. That means the covenant breach itself constitutes adultery, even if the second woman is unmarried.

Paul reinforces this in ~Romans 7:2–3: “So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress.” The logic of covenant bond is central. The marriage tie remains binding while the spouse lives.

Now about polygamy in the Old Testament.

It is true that Scripture regulates polygamy. ~Exodus 21:10 instructs that if a man takes another wife, he must not diminish the first wife’s food, clothing, or marital rights. But regulation is not endorsement. The Old Testament also regulates divorce, slavery, and kingship abuses. Regulation often exists to restrain damage in a fallen society, not to express the creational ideal.

When Jesus interprets divorce in ~Matthew 19:8, He says Moses permitted it “because of the hardness of your hearts.” That principle applies broadly. Mosaic law accommodated human sinfulness. Christ restores the original design.

Now apply this to the present situation.

If the man is married and his wife is living, he is covenantally bound to her. To take another woman as a second wife under the New Covenant is not described as permissible. It is described as adultery. The New Testament standard for church leadership even requires being “the husband of one wife” (~1 Timothy 3:2). The trajectory of the New Testament is clearly monogamous.

Wanting to become a second wife does not make you manipulative. It makes you emotionally invested. That is human. But Scripture’s standard is not shaped by desire.

Definitive proof?

Mark 10:11.
Matthew 19:9.
Romans 7:3.

All explicitly treat remarriage while a spouse lives as adultery.

What should you do next?

Not formalize a covenant built on the breach of another covenant. That path compounds harm: to the wife, to the man, to yourself, and spiritually to all involved.

The hard truth is this: repentance and separation are biblically safer than attempting to sanctify a fractured situation.

This is about honoring covenant faithfulness. Scripture consistently places protection of the existing marriage bond above the legitimization of a new attachment.

Was this helpful sister? Far be it from me to make you feel “uncomfortable” in our community, you are safe here.

Johann.

1 Like
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So I shall live alone with my child even though his wife welcomed me already?

I heard from my Greek Orthodox friends that in Mark and Matthew it actually talks about “wive” rather than “woman” in general, as in many languages such as German, woman and wife have the same word “Frau”, exactly as in ancient greek and hebrew.

I just find it so bizarre that his wife’s mercy is seen as nothing by the church and instead I am being told to suffer alone.

Isn’t this going after the law rather than grace?

Even if we’d apply the Old Testament I’d be in save hands.

Shall we then listen to our prophets and kings who were ALL adulterers?

And why’s it only a problem when David slept with his friend’s wife but all the other wives were no big deal?

How come we are protestant yet disregard what Luther preached about this topic?

How come the church actually wants women to suffer?

About so many things the church is silent. Let women preach in leggings in church, don’t talk too much about hell or sin or else people might leave, promote the propaganda that women should focus on their careers first, but as soon as we want to start families in a conservative context, a context that has been lived by great people in the Old Testament, we’re suddenly sinners.

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That was not my intention, sister. I was not suggesting that you are a sinner. I understand that this is a painful situation for you, and I believe it would be appropriate to allow other members to share their perspective and guidance as well.

Matthew 12:20

“A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench, till he send forth judgment unto victory.”

In context, Matthew 12 presents Jesus withdrawing from conflict, healing the afflicted, and forbidding self-promotion. Matthew then quotes Isaiah 42 to show that Christ’s messianic mission is marked by gentleness toward the weak and wounded.

The imagery is deliberate. A bruised reed is already damaged and fragile. A smoking flax is barely burning. The Servant does not crush what is weak nor extinguish what is faint. Instead, He preserves and restores.

It is a portrait of strength under control, not indifference. Judgment and victory come, but they do not begin with crushing the vulnerable.

That text has steadied a lot of weary souls for centuries. It still does.

Shalom @leasel

J.

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I know that I have sinned. I have fornicated. I had sex with my best friend’s husband. I enjoyed the closeness so much that I completely forgot everything around me. I know that I have sinned, but I did not commit adultery. I am not a married woman who slept with him.

I would like to hear other opinions about this.

Shall I keep my distance or listen to his wife and be joined with him in love?

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If I’ve understood everything, you would like to be his second wife and your parents agree that you should be his second wife. The problem is the church you go to. What stance will they take if you go live with them? Is that right?

I’m curious (and you don’t have to answer), as to how your beliefs and your parents beliefs became different than the church you attend? You fear the church will not accept and yet you and your parents are ok with it. Have you thought about what you will do if you’re not pregnant? If your not pregnant, will you continue in this relationship since the wife seems fine with it? Will you stay away?

1 Like
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@leasel Oh, beautiful and sweet sister;

1. No one would drag someone they consider family into such fantasies. The person saying this may have ulterior motives, so you need to be careful.

2. You’re young. I hope someone better comes along. Married men might do such things just for the thrill, like an adventure. Think about it—what if you have a child someday and they don’t accept it? Please act with reason while you’re still young.

Let me tell you something real: you’ll never be his number one woman. You’ll always be second best. This will wear you down after a while.

This is my advice to you as an older brother.

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Well if I’m not pregnant I’d lie to keep the contact with them, maybe even a relationship

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To be honest I would rather be the second wife to a great man rather than the first wife to a mid or bad man. And he has already proven himself as a great husband. I know I’ll be number 2. I’m completely fine with it