Should We Still Be Talking About Purity Culture?

Should We Still Be Talking About Purity Culture?

As Christians reflect on the legacy of purity teaching, we invite your voice in Crosswalk Forums.
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In the 1990s and early 2000s, purity culture swept through evangelical churches with pledges, rings, books, and youth events focused on abstinence and modesty. For some, it provided guardrails for honoring God with their bodies. For others, it led to shame, legalism, and distorted views of sex, self-worth, and grace.

Today, many Christians are reexamining how purity culture shaped them—for better or worse. Was the emphasis on sexual purity helpful discipleship or harmful pressure? Does rejecting purity culture mean embracing promiscuity, or recovering a more holistic, grace-based ethic?

As younger generations push for more honest conversations about sexuality, trauma, and wholeness, the church faces a choice: double down, move on, or reframe the conversation entirely.

  • What was your experience with purity culture?
  • How do we teach holiness without weaponizing shame?
  • Is there a redemptive way to revisit the conversation today?

“When purity becomes about performance instead of transformation, we miss the heart of the Gospel.”

Read more here:

I sometimes wonder if we define purity correctly.

My Christian Alma Mater had this special tour that they gave to incoming Freshmen. Boys and girls would line up single file and every few minutes would be told to shift positions in order to meet classmates of the opposite sex.

There is this push in Christian culture to get the young people hitched and settled down quickly to avoid the sin of premarital sex, but I believe this does way more harm than good. These kids wind up married way too young and facing problems that they aren’t equipped enough to handle. I know of at least one young couple during my time there who met in college, datrd for a few years, got married and divorced before graduating. And they where in the ministry.

In the past, when life was much more simple, quick marriages made sense. You were an adult at a younger age. You worked younger too. Your family found you a spouse and that was it. And families never left their clan.

But this is not the case today. And while frigid or asexual types wont understand the battle with lust, its in this long stretch of self developement where the most ready to go will always have the hardest time holding their own peace while some churches even discourage that.

The church focuses on the impossible task of refraining. But even Paul wrote of the torture of burning with passion. And now we live in a world where so much more is expected while it is much more difficult to find a partner. Specifically, the One partner. What scares people more- the sin of immoral sex or the sin of divorce?

If you can’t prevent sexual sin, you can at least teach this generation to treat their dance partners well. Treat each other like human beings, not objects.

Sex is often portrayed as a badge of honor in media, a rite of passage. And it becomes reduced to just a physical act.

But there are emotions here too, there is an inner life. There are insecurities. Fear. Vulnerability. There is this person who is looking for love and connection. Or looking to forget trauma. Or a sex addict about to take another hit. Or a gay person hoping they aren’t gay. There is this fragile person who is hoping they wont be ignored when they call, or abandoned, and forgotten.

And they don’t know how to love themselves or each other because they haven’t gotten to that level of maturity yet… and all they see around them is hate.

And they go into this world and what do they find?Pedators looking for fresh meat who are more than happy to take advantage of innocence and youth. Who say all the right words because God knows there are enough books and podcasts out there that teach a predator how to prey, how to seduce and lure in a victim, how to control and manipulate.

There is a Sacredness in this innocent life that doesn’t need to be objectified or targeted or crushed or controlled and manipulated, or demonized. And I don’t define innocent as virgin. I define it as ignorant, unlearned, underdeveloped, immature, a ways to go. The foolishness of youth that doesn’t need a heavy hand. It needs guidance to do better.

No means no. Don’t cheat with a cheater. Reduce the chances of pregnancy and the spread of stds. Call them back or call them first within two days. Never lead someone on to get what you want. Don’t high five your friends the next day or spread rumors at school or work. Love the one you are with- seems easy enough. So why can’t we even do that?

Oh @Tillman

You just cracked open a can of theological worms, and I’m here for the fishing trip.

Let’s start with this. You’ve got heart, insight, and a deep ache for something more honest than the plastic chastity ring pageantry that passes for discipleship in some corners. You’re not wrong to call out the dysfunction. But brother, we don’t fix broken theology by swinging the pendulum into sentimental chaos.

Purity culture didn’t fail because it was too strict. It failed because it was too shallow.

We handed kids a “True Love Waits” keychain and expected that to hold back a tsunami of lust, identity confusion, cultural lies, and spiritual apathy. We turned sexual purity into a salvation substitute, and when people inevitably stumbled or just asked hard questions, they were handed shame instead of shepherding.

But here’s the danger in your post. You’re not just critiquing a culture… you’re flirting with dethroning the standard. You say, “The church focuses on the impossible task of refraining.” Paul didn’t say it was impossible. He said it was war. Galatians 5:17 says the flesh and the Spirit are in constant conflict. That’s not hopeless… that’s a call to arms. You don’t tell a soldier, “Since resisting the enemy is hard, maybe just negotiate.”

Yes, Paul said “it is better to marry than to burn.” But he also said it’s better not to marry if you can serve Christ undistracted. He didn’t say, “If you’re burning, just go ahead and touch the stove.” We’re not animals. We’re image bearers. There is no command in Scripture that says, “If it’s hard to be holy, just settle for being nice.”

And I hear you… young people are fragile. They’re immature. They’re hurting. Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean we teach them to treat sin with empathy instead of urgency. If someone is drowning, you don’t hand them a playlist about self-esteem. You throw them a rope. And that rope is repentance, not relativism.

You want people to be treated like human beings, not objects? Praise God. That starts with calling them to the One who makes them new. That means calling lust what it is… not a misunderstood craving, but a fire that devours. And yes, culture has turned sex into a joke and a commodity. But God has called it sacred, covenantal, and weighty. If you strip that away, you’re not freeing people… you’re feeding them to wolves with better manners.

So what’s the answer? Not purity culture as performance. But purity as worship. Not rules without relationship, but reverence rooted in grace. Titus 2:11–12 says the grace of God teaches us to say no to ungodliness. Grace doesn’t just forgive our sin… it trains us to fight it.

You want better teaching? Amen. Teach young people how to suffer well. Teach them how to wait. Teach them how to fast, how to flee, how to follow Christ when their hormones are screaming louder than their youth pastor. Don’t water it down. Step it up. Give them a gospel that crushes shame without coddling sin.

God’s standard hasn’t changed. And neither has His power to meet us in our weakness.

So yes, rethink the culture… but don’t rewrite the call.

—Sincere Seeker. Scripturally savage. Here for the Truth.

I’ve noticed, that in order for me to effectively warn young travelers against stepping into quicksand, the best platform for heralding that warning is to not be currently sinking in it myself.

KP

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Actually, I am good. I have made peace with what I believe, and what I do in this life. And much of that was because I stopped listening to the church and went on my own journey of self discovery.

You can quote all the Scriptures you want, spin the tale in religious fervor, but all of that religion will only make you miserable and sick. The more religious a group, the more I tend to think its a cult.

Meanwhile, the burden of Christ is light. I trust the love that lives in me. That Spirit protects me and guides me far better than the church ever could. At least in its current state.

And unlike many of you, I have seen the sexually immoral communities in my world.. I have engaged them. And I have even been one of them. Horrible sinner that I am. Or did you think I was a Saint? Because I never meant to say that I was perfrct or sinless. I am actually one of the oneriest. But at least I can own it.

“Actually, I am good.”

That’s the line that haunts modern Christianity. Not because it’s rare… but because it’s the anthem of a generation that’s settled for peace without repentance, spirituality without submission, and self-discovery without a cross.

You say religion makes people miserable and sick. No argument here if we’re talking about dead religion. Performance-based, shame-driven, rule-stuffed religion will rot a soul faster than open rebellion. But that’s not Christianity. That’s just Pharisee cosplay. Jesus didn’t die to start a cult. He died to crush sin and raise a people who walk in Spirit and truth.

And yes, the burden of Christ is light. But only after the burden of self is dropped. The Spirit doesn’t lead us into freedom to sin. He leads us into freedom from sin. The same Jesus who said “Come to Me” also said “Go and sin no more.” That’s not legalism. That’s lordship.

Now let’s talk about those “sexually immoral communities.” Been around them. Engaged them. That’s not boldness. That’s biography. And the Bible has a category for it. 1 Corinthians 6 doesn’t flinch. It calls sin what it is… then throws open the door with “such were some of you.” That’s the offer. Not “stay where you are.” But “be washed.”

Owning sin is the start. But repenting of it is the point. Anything less is just dressing wounds without healing them.

The church is a mess, sure. But she’s still His Bride. You don’t replace her with a solo journey and call it maturity. You stay. You sharpen. You sanctify. Or you risk trading transformation for a mirror that always agrees with you.

So no, we’re not here to quote Scripture for decoration. We wield it because it cuts through the noise. And in a world that calls conviction “hate” and feelings “truth,” that blade has never been more needed.

—Sincere Seeker. Scripturally savage. Here for the Truth.

I know you certainly want that to be true. Because if I am an unrepentent sinner it would cancel out everything I have said about your own need to repent. wouldn’t it?

And yet, my conscience is clear. I have perfect peace. My relationship with God is amazing. I am serving God with my life. And I am trying to save you. Funny isn’t it? When someone thinks they have it all figured out because they repeat all the right words in the script? And yet all that memorization cannot save you. You can pretend to be the perfect sinless Christian all you want, but without the Holy Spirit you are nothing.

Some of you are, maybe. But the farm is full of weeds as well as wheat, and Christ has a nice winnowing blade that reveals the truth in the right time and place.

I find it interesting that you call it a standard to tell people not to do something they are wired to do, followed with inevitable condemnation.

By your “standard,” many people of God fall, including the ministers who preach it. They preach about purity and fidelity, and then they cheat on their wives. They preach against homosexuality and the sexually immoral, and then hookup with escorts or get caught in bathroom stalls.

They preach about this “standard” expected by the church and then they fail to meet it. They fall. Over and over again. Almost as if God were allowing them to stumble.

Funny isn’t it? Why these men of God cannot practice what they preach… But why?

And no matter who falls, the church response is always the same. “They sinned.because they were too weak, because they were never right with God, because they did not pray hard enough or devote enough to God.” And you follow this reaponse by casting them out of your churches. Out of sight, out of mind. Or you snub your noses at them. And you keep preaching THAT standard- If you are not good enough, leave. Get out.

The problem is your way isn’t working. And there is this disconnect where you don’t see you are doing something wrong. But you stay the course despite all of the people it hurts.

You approach this as a cult would. With magical thinking. But the actual sin here is your divorce from human relationship and reality. You cannot turn away from the sin of your lack of love until you stop valuing the Law more than the people for whom the Law was created to serve.

You have within you this craving for hell and damnation. Sadism. You want to hurt people. You want a reason to hurt them. And that is the sin of religion. It’s an all you can eat buffet of smiting the weak and the poor. Even your own family. Which is what every cult does.

That is not the Standard I choose for my life. And that was why I chose to go it alone. Because I knew the church has something fundamentally wrong with it.

YOU cannot sacrifice your sin of self destruction, and destroying others, until you learn to love life and others and yourself, and share in the burden of the sin instead of treating each other like leppers…

Treating people like disposable objects- THAT, to me, is sexual immorality. Becoming one flesh and then ripping that person right off of you, like a wart. After you get what you wanted, of course. And what did you want? To inflict suffering. To kill, murder, and destroy. To lift yourself above others.

That is why Love overshadows the Law. Because the Law gives you an outlet to destroy and to feed your addiction to judgement. But only by listening to the voice that says, “put the killing stones down,” will you possiibly be saved. Until then, you will only be a dog eat dog church in a dog eat dog culture, devouring each other. With no clear defining difference between you and the world that you condemn.

Let he without sin cast the first stone… That was what Christ said. But you look to lord your own supposed perfection in Christ over sinners and pick the stones back up. That is the proof you have not been saved and transformed. When you judge others, you admit to having committed the same sin that you accuse them of. You embody the Accuser Himself, the Father of Lies. And you bring judgement upon yourself.

But if I accept my own failure, own my sin, and learn humility through this process, and as David himself accepted God’s punishment and guidance because he knew God always punishes those He loves and pursues bringing us back to good, when we fall (not if), then I begin to serve with compassion and acceptance.

And in this I will no longer try to kill my own sin through my brother or my children or my neighbor. I will begin to deal with the actual sin, one sin at a time, inside the cup with God’s assistance. With a focus on the heart, from which good and evil are poured out.

But that sin will continue to go on neglected for as long as you are focussed on the sins of others. Turn those damning eyes inward and repent. Forgive the sin, and deal with that thing inside you that seeks to destroy life.

@Tillman,

You’ve said a lot. And it’s raw, no question. But beneath the flood of passion and pain, what you’re really calling out is hypocrisy, spiritual abuse, legalism, loveless judgment, and a church culture that often mirrors the Pharisees more than Christ. And on that? I agree with you. That rot is real. And it should be rebuked.

But here’s where we part ways.

You’ve taken the failure of men and used it to put God’s standard on trial. You’ve seen ministers fall, churches turn cold, judgment masquerade as holiness… and in the rubble, you’ve decided the whole structure must be corrupt. So you traded the Church for a solo walk. The Law for Love. The mirror of Scripture for the mirror of self. But that is not freedom. That is just another kind of captivity.

Because God’s standard doesn’t break when men do. It exposes them. That’s the point.

You ask why so many preachers fall. Why churches hide sin and throw stones. That answer is in Romans. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. We are not called to pretend otherwise. We are called to confess it and cling to the One who never fell.

But what you have done is twist that failure into a license. A justification. As if the very presence of hypocrisy in the church nullifies the holiness of God. As if because others preach purity and fail, we should stop preaching purity altogether. That logic only works if the standard was manmade. But it was not.

The standard does not come from pulpits. It comes from heaven. Be holy, for I am holy. That is not cruelty. That is clarity. God never lowered His standard to match our weakness. He sent His Son to raise us out of it. And that is why grace exists. Not to erase the Law. To fulfill it in us. Not by perfection. By transformation.

You say the Church is a cult. That it craves hell and feeds on shame. And sadly, in some places, that is closer to truth than fiction. But the problem is not that the Church holds to God’s commands. The problem is that it forgets His heart. The Law without love is a hammer with no carpenter. But love without the Law is a hug with no spine.

You quoted Christ. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Beautiful. But remember what He said next… Go and sin no more. Jesus silenced the accusers, yes. But He did not affirm the sin. He offered mercy with a mandate.

You say you accept your sin. Good. Now do not stop there. Repentance is not just awareness. It is surrender. David did not just accept his punishment. He cried out, Create in me a clean heart, O God. That was not self-love. That was self-denial in pursuit of divine mercy.

No one here is asking you to kill your sin through your neighbor. We are asking you to bring it to the cross. Because the judgment you see in the Church will never be fixed by throwing away the truth. It will only be fixed by returning to it… with humility, with brokenness, and with the kind of love that rejoices with the truth, not just love that feels safe.

We are not trying to be perfect. We are trying to be faithful. And that means telling the truth even when it’s unpopular. Even when it hurts. Because if sin is the sickness, then coddling it is not compassion. It is malpractice.

You do not need to go it alone. You need to go to the One who is still building His Church… even through the rubble… even through people like us… wheat among weeds, stumbling toward glory.

—Sincere Seeker. Scripturally savage. Here for the Truth.

First, my words speak for themselves. They don’t need to be reworded or paraphrased, especially by someone who does not understand them. Second, the church standard, the standard you are representing, is not God’s standard. As I have explained.

You cannot begin to reach for God’s standard until you learn how to love. Your standard is divorced of love. The Holy Spirit is no where to be found. If the Holy Spirit were present, the church reaction to sin would be different.

You rely on your own strength to be good enough and you will never be good enough on your own.

Instead of learning how to love, you point the accusing finger at others to distract from your own sins, flaws, bankruptcy. “Look away, look away, it is somebody else’s fault! They are sinning, look at them, stop looking at me!” Until you can no longer wiggle free from responsibility.

That day always comes when you can no longer blame another for your lack. When you must own your deficit and repent and fill that void with the Holy Spirit, which teaches you how to love and expands your capacity to love. And through this, how to be unabashidely authentic (rather than dressed in a plastic fascade of religious malarky). Authentic, an honest representation of ones self, which the church is unable to do while pretending to be in good standing with God. Failing to see what seperates them from God.

No one can be right before God without the capacity to love. Not this sinful world, and not the church. You are called to bring that forth into the world. And you don’t have it to give.

But disclaimer, not all churches, not all Christians. Some do practice compassion, mercy, forgiveness, charity, kindness, grace, wisdom, thoughtfulness. Some put down the stones and do not pick them up . But you know who you are. You know which side of this you fall. Pride verses humility. Acceptance verses hard hearrtedness. Embracing people where they are, or damning them from afar. You know who you are.

Repent.

This is a complete misrepresentation of what I wrote-

You are the ones killing your sins through others as you point the finger under the guise of “telling the truth” and “upholding God’s standard.” As I explaIned, as the Bible says- judge not lest ye be judged. And what you give will be given back. And as you have done to others you have done to ME.

Repent.

Third, you have no way of knowing the state of my heart or my relationship with God. You took a sprinkle of flour, a few statements I said, and you made bread with some spit. No eggs, no yeast. You know nothing about me and you tell me that I need to repent for something that you know nothing about.

Such is the state of your heart. Needing to find a sinner and tell him he has sinned. So hungry to condemn.

Repent.

Sin is the lack of love. Because if you loved appropriately, you would not sin. The Law would be fulfilled.

But your understanding of God’s Law, God’s Holiness, and the sin that seperates man from God is divorced from the concept of Love. There is a disconnect in your minds where one does not inform the other when everything is actually woven tightly together.

That is what makes your “standard” and your perspectuve and your behavior of holding others accountable so false. You see acting with love as just coddling rather than an integral part of the law.

And Christ makes it clear that your focus should be on your own sins, not pointing out the sins of others, when he says to get the log out of your own eye before picking the speck out of someone elses.

Only THEN do you have the clarity required to help another. Only THEN do you have the humility and compassion to do it gently without judgement, giving people the time needed to learn and grow and work through their issues. Without condemnation. Without expecting immediate results. Only THEN do you know and understand the difference between what God wants and the expectations of the Pharisee, the Law Keepers, religious hoops added to hoops that just make it impossible for anyone to be saved, and as Scripture says,

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you travel land and sea to win one proselyte, and when he is won, you make him twice as much a son of hell as yourselves.”

And God does nothing but coddle you as you still struggle with the basics. Tell me, @SincereSeeker, Should God stop coddling you? Do you want to face God’s wrath for the sins you are currently committing? The ones you have not confessed or dealt with today? Shall I ask the Lord to give you a taste of what it is like when that coddling comes to an end and the buffer is removed?

Only by the blood of Christ are you made sinless. But without that sacrifice you still fall short. All fall short.

So should I ask for God to grant you a glimpse of what it means to be treated as a black sheep? An outcast? A sacrifice? Yes or no.

After all, If it is true that God doesn’t hear the requests of the unrepentent, you will have nothing to fear if you say, “yes.” Right? Assuming you are correct in your assumptions regarding your own standing with God, your theology, and my standing with God.

So, yes or no?

And by extension, should I pray the same prayer for a church that continues to point the finger? While failing to learn how to love?

Yes or no?

@tillman, If the Church’s failure to love perfectly disqualifies her from calling sin what it is, then no prophet, no apostle, no Christ-follower would ever be allowed to speak. Because every single one of them fell short… including Peter, who denied Christ, and David, who committed adultery and murder. And yet God still used them to call others back to Him. Why? Because the standard is not based on the perfection of the messenger… it is grounded in the holiness of God.

The claim that confronting sin is a distraction tactic misses what Scripture actually teaches. Galatians 6:1 says if someone is caught in sin, we are to reinstate them gently. That is not condemnation… that is obedience. Refusing to speak truth under the banner of “love” is not biblical mercy… it’s cowardice dressed as compassion. Jesus didn’t avoid naming sin to keep people comfortable. He named it to call them home.

Now if someone uses the standard as a weapon to puff themselves up, that is sin too. But it doesn’t mean we ditch the standard. It means we repent for mishandling it. The abuse of truth doesn’t make truth abusive.

God’s law reveals the disease so we’ll run to the cure. It’s not a ladder to climb… it’s a mirror to show us we need to kneel. Jesus didn’t come to throw the law in the trash. He came to fulfill it… and then give us His righteousness by grace. That’s not legalism… that’s the gospel.

You say love is the answer. Amen. But what kind of love are we talking about? The kind that pats people on the back as they walk off a cliff? Or the kind that pleads with them to turn around before they fall? Love warns. Love corrects. Love lays down its life to tell the truth, even when it’s not welcomed.

This isn’t about pride versus humility. This is about whether we believe the Word of God has authority to name sin and call us out of it… not to crush us, but to cleanse us. The Church doesn’t need less truth. It needs more truth with real love… not silence in the name of peace, and not shouting in the name of pride… but a faithful witness that says both “go and sin no more” and “neither do I condemn you.”

That is not cruelty. That is Christ.

—Sincere Seeker. Scripturally savage. Here for the Truth.

@SincereSeeker

You never answered my question.

Yes or no?

@SincereSeeker
I did not see a response to my question. I will count that as a, “yes”.

@tillman

Yes… I want every bit of sin in me to be exposed, confessed, and crucified with Christ.

No… I do not ask for wrath, because I believe it was poured out fully on Jesus in my place.

Yes… I welcome the discipline of the Lord, because it proves I am His.

No… I will not call grace “coddling” when Scripture calls it the kindness that leads to repentance.

The cross is not a buffer. It is where justice and mercy collided. That is where sin dies… not in your courtroom… at His altar.

Now, back to the actual topic.

This thread is about purity culture. About how the Church talks about sex, holiness, and human dignity. If we’re going to keep this conversation meaningful, we need to stay on that path. We can debate the nature of God’s wrath and discipline, but that’s a different thread… and I’d be happy to join you in it if you want to start it.

Here, we’re asking whether the Church’s teaching on sexual purity has reflected Christ’s heart… or just cultural baggage and control. And we need to answer that without burning down the standard God Himself gave.

So let’s stay sharp, stay focused, and stay in the Word.

—Sincere Seeker. Scripturally savage. Here for the Truth.