My 22-year-old niece doesn’t thank me for gifts. I live 7 states away, always send a gift card (i’ve never gotten to know her), yet no call, note, or even text. It’s hurtful. I had a godmother as a child who sent me beautiful gifts. When i did not thank her she wrote a note telling me she would no longer send anything. I learned a lesson on gratitude and good manners. I think i need to do the same. Thanks for listening.
I understand how you feel. To be honest, and I say this with as much love as I can muster, I hate young people.
Not literally, of course. I don’t glare at them or throw unopened cans of coke at them as I drive passed them on the street. (I would not waste the Coke.)
But I do eye them suspiciously when they approach because I have known since my earliest days that young people can not be trusted. I never liked them then and I certainly don’t like them now.
Self centered, arrogant, devious little monsters, the whole lot of them. No heavenly good until they reach 40 and actually know what a dollar is worth.
I applaud you. You don’t really know this girl. Why throw your money away? Why throw your pearls to swine? Sure she is family?, but its not like you have bonded or spent much time with her.
The only thing she might be thinking is:
Yah, money…
And:
Who keeps sendng me money?
Sometimes you need to stop giving it all away and love yourself. Its the biggest sin of the caregiver. Amd the greatest mistake a medical responder can make. You have to out on your oxygen mask first, make sure the scene of an accident does not have any obscure threats, and take care of youreself. Or else you wont be any good for anyone.
God Bless
Thanks. I am with you 100%. She learned this from her mother who also begrudgingly thanks me for anything. There is so much more to this volcanic family but you’re correct. If it weren’t for my brother (also like them) who i dearly love i’d have stopped long ago.. I have to cut it off and care about myself once in a while.
I don’t know your family or your situation. So I can’t speak to that. But I have experienced families who used each other. Who only cared about what they could get. Manipulative, self destructive, in some cases addicts and alcoholics. And no matter how much you try to connect with them on a deeper level they just don’t have the time, capacity, or desire.
People are just a means to an end. Even their own blood.
They have a way of playing games. Confusing the material for love. Or worse, attention for love. Love is genuine. There are no strings to gifts. There is no constant looking for something, or looking for something back.
And love does not take and take and take. It does not make need the foundation of a relationship. Draining another person dry.
Love is patient, and considerate
It takes care of others while maintaining itself.
Matriarchs lay down the rules.
They make sure their children learn how to sustain themselves while ensuring no true need goes unmet.
They are not doormats. Or puppeteers. Nor do they feed on their children. They don’t need attention. They get attention because they are powerful, like the moon or sun. The fanily knows who among them guides them.
Love never leaves you wanting. It safisfies. If it does not satisfy, it isn’t love.
Love is brushing your teeth, taking a shower, doing the laundry, making a home- making space for others in order to build connection with them. Give and take with boundaries that through engagement eventually allows the bonding process to occur so that you can experience the joy of shared moments with another person, together. And build memories.
Birds build nests, they show off their feathers. That is the lure for drawing a partner. But it is not love.
Love is the work required to be a functioning spouse that can protect the nest, lay the eggs, hatch them, teach the birds to fly, and then throw them out so they have no choice but to fly.
Love is the internal work that allows both spouses to be capable of that. Maintaining a loving bond with one another that embues the children with safety. Nourishes, enriches, encourages, teaches, and ultinately let’s go to allow the hatchlings to continue living, flying, and expanding life forward after the parents are gone. They must be able to repeat the cycle that lets life thrive.
Love is not the warm fuzzy feelings. That is the fruit. Love is the garden that allows those warm fuzzy feelings to grow.
Yes, agreed. It took years of Bible study, some christian counseling and introspection to realize how easy it is for families to become “checking the boxes” families. And that learning responsibility and accountability takes some risk. And needs caution to ensure one is not ‘piled upon’ because others won’t be accountable. I learned many things the hard way yet still occasionally fall in the teap of enabling thinking it is love. It isn’t. Though i may be considered mean or selfish there is a point at which i have to see it’s enough. Thank you. I realize my request isn’t earth-shattering but I appreciate your thoughtful words. I wish you God’s blessings.
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Likewise.
It is truly a blessing that you have the awareness and ability to pursue that change, to learn and grow and evolve. It is my experience that very few people are capable of this. It is tragic.
Most often, people get stuck in holding patterns as if they are trapped in a prison cell. They struggle with others, want them to change, and blame them for not changing, or fear what will happen if they let go.
But for whatever reason they can’t see that freedom is a personal choice each one of us has to make. A choice to detach from the struggle. A choice to stop contributing whatever it is that we bring to the cycle that sustains that cycle.
Each one of us must bare our own burdens. And sometimes we must let people fall and fail in order that they might rise. While not abandoning those who do actually need us. Like our elderly, our children, those people in our lives who have that certain deficit and cannot help but be vulnerable and helpless.
We can help others by encouraging them, or inspiring them, or by offering beneficial help that actually seals with the problem, but we don’t become a crutch. Teach a man to fish etc.
The Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Yes. Thank you. I appreciate your kindness and responses.
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