Could use some advice again

General Faith
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I don’t mean to post so much genuinely and after this I will definitely hold off on the heavy vent stuff. I just need some help right now.

Im 17 and in a situation where my sin has possible legal repercussions. Im seeing a pastor and nothing is finalized but I won’t lie the weight or the option to turn myself in for my sin still feels strong. And it’s either I know it’s god and I’m lying to myself or I genuinely don’t know whether it’s god or me being really guilty. I can’t discern for myself and I’m not sure I want to because if I do turn myself in- well nobody wants to go to jail. I understand reaping what’s sown and actions having consequences but it still terrifies me. I’ve been frozen in this decision for years and I’ve been mostly on the not turning myself in side of things and for a while it just didn’t feel right- so I’m really unsure. But even if it came down to it- I am a straight up coward and I am afraid to lose everything. And I worry for the people closest to me and how they can be affected by the situation and I pray god protects them but what if he doesn’t? What if it’s just something I may have to swallow?

Today was another day where I wished god had not made me because the situation is just heavy on me. If it was going to be like this why did he make me? Knowing I’d throw my life upside down and hurt people why ? I know it’s my fault and I know that I should be grateful and just have a difficult attitude but it truly crushes me. It’s like this trajectory is fixed I’d done everything I could possibly do to make sure of that. I’ve got plenty people I’ve hurt and failed seriously. It just hit hard today for some reason.

And another part of it I’m having a hard time with is the dreams ambitions most likely lost and the things I’ve already lost the time of I can never get back.

A lot of the time is the first thing that comes to mind or that I spend a lot of time, when thinking about my situation, thinking about how A lot of my age mates right now at least the majority are carrying something at least less serious on their conscience. Focused on college have some moral backbone and that’s not to say that they don’t have struggles but it’s knowing they don’t have to deal with this looming over them all their lives and they can focus on teen things and I’ve always envied it but on another hand I think of the damage I caused and how I made the choices to get here there’s no one left to blame but myself and it hurts more there’s no consolation. And I’m someone who has a lot of ambitions and dreams that I would vehemently fight for if that was what it would take to get there.

So much ambition for someone more likely to never actualize it. With my situation everything ive done I already forefeited everything and my future. And even if it would be possible in this life- would my own conscience ever let me? It just crushes me. I don’t know if I can have hope for it but I want to. It really crushes me thinking about never doing those things and I know it’s immature especially in the face of what I’ve done but there’s so much I can’t help but want to do. I have achieved nothing that I wanted and it makes me so sad. It makes me sad that i destroyed my life already.

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Meii,

First, please know you don’t need to apologize for posting or reaching out. When you are carrying something this heavy, trying to hold it all inside only makes the walls feel like they are closing in faster.

I hear how completely exhausted you are. It sounds like the panic from before has turned into a deep, painful grief. Grieving your peace, grieving your dreams, and looking at people your age wondering why you can’t just have a normal, quiet life focused on college and the future. That envy and sorrow are completely understandable, but please hear this: your life is not over, and your future is not permanently ruined at 17.

When you are in the middle of a storm, it feels like the storm is the entire world and that it will last forever. It won’t. Here are a few things to hold onto today:

Your trajectory is not fixed. The enemy wants you to believe that you are broken beyond repair and that God is finished with you. That is a lie. God is not a god of dead ends; He is a god of redemption. History and Scripture are filled with people who made massive, life-altering mistakes and were still used by God to do extraordinary things.

Ambition is not a crime, and hope is not forbidden. You feel guilty even wanting a good future because you feel you forfeited that right. You didn’t. God placed those ambitions and talents in you. Repentance and responsibility do not mean you have to sentence yourself to a ruined life.

Stop measuring yourself against everyone else. You see other teens and think they have it all figured out or carry lighter burdens. Everyone has hidden struggles, but more importantly, God deals with you individually, with patience and mercy, not in comparison to anyone else.

Take it one breath at a time. You don’t have to figure out your entire adult life, your legal resolution, and your character growth today. Just focus on getting through today with honesty and calm.

You are not a mistake, Meii. You are a young person navigating a very difficult, very heavy moment, but this moment is a chapter in your life. It is not the whole book.

Permit yourself to breathe. Praying for your peace, clarity, and protection.

Be blessed, be a blessing, Jesus is LORD!

Peter

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Thank you so much for your replies and advice I really appreciate it and I really needed it. If you don’t mind can we maybe talk more?

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@Meil, all I can say is what the Bible says,

1Jn 1:8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
1Jn 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
1Jn 1:10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

You need to confess your serious sins to God, to the people affected, and to the authorities and take God’s discipline coming to you through them. Continue confessing your sins to God in prayer until he gives you the assurance of his forgiveness and then his peace.

You can be God’s agent of his peace, then, wherever God sends you, even in a penal institution for a while. You are now on my prayer list, @Meil.

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Of course, feel free to reach out any time.

Be blessed,

Peter

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Sorry for the late reply! I would love to reach out and talk a bit but I think i have to change my trust status before I can do that on here so do you think maybe we could talk on another platform- if not that’s totally understandable and we can continue to talk in the replies!

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Thank you for your support :slight_smile:

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You should be able to DM now; however, you can always email me at truthbygod1@gmail.com. Don’t forget the 1.

Be blessed.

Peter

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You’re welcome, @Meii!