My unsaved friend was in danger of becoming homeless last August, so I invited her to come stay with me until she could get on her feet. I am absolutely the worst Christian she could have moved in with, and I greatly regret not being stronger in my faith so I can minster Jesus’s love to her better.
I told her as long as she was with me, to consider herself “at home.” I think she’s finally taking that part seriously–she has no problem with cussing (I draw the line at taking the LORD’s name in vain, though), and now I’m starting to notice her fondness for beer has been increasing.
I’m not great at picking up social cues, but I feel she drinks to the point of getting buzzed/drunk enough to start getting upset over issues from her past that have a strong hold on her in the present. She get so depressed to the point of tears, crying over the same topics every night, with no desire to seek counseling or any other help outside of my ears and shoulders.
I want to project Christ to her the best I can, but I can’t deal with the same conversations each night (especially after she’s had more than a few beers in her). I know we’re supposed to be Christ to the unsaved, but how do I get through to someone who seeks solace in a bottle and won’t go anywhere near a conversation about the things of GOD (she’s a non-practicing Catholic)? Should I give her an ultimatium–lose the booze, or find other arrangements? She only gets like this when she’s been drinking a bit too much. I don’t want to put any more pressure on her, especially when I keep telling her she’s welcome to stay as long as she needs to. (She’s working part-time at a local warehouse and contributes nothing to monthly bills–she just buys her own groceries and for her dog).
I’m torn between showing “compassion” by letting her stay and not confronting her about her drinking (that’s how I was raised, and I’m still trying to re-program my brain), and showing true compassion by making her choose between a self-destructive habit or living with me.
Any and all Godly advice would be greatly appreciate. Thanks in advance and GOD bless.
Welcome Armitage,
You are in a twisted situation, as friend and free landlord, that is enabling her at this point. Her past is causing her to self-medicate but “drowning it out” to disassociate just doesn’t work. This cycle will lead to alcohol addiction, which causes another set of problems. This state is not conducive to receiving God’s word.
BUT, it sounds like you are willing & in a great position to help her-help herself. A true friend would set some type of boundary about her drinking(anything)-particulary as a Christian. Continue to set the example, but let her know about your misgivings; she deserves to be told the truth and it may be a catalyst to seek out professional help (maybe online?). Invite her to attend services with you and invite over (non-drinking) friends that may help give counsel to her.
Roommates can create healthy routines together-challenge her to eat healthier, meal prep, hike and bike… any fun excercise. SUBSTITUTE drinking time with positive habits: board-game night, art therapy & dog park. A regular, weekly routine reinforces mental stability.
Set a mutually-comfortable deadline (by winter?) for her to find full-time employment so she can contribute/pay rent or save for a deposit on her own place; getting her financially independent is the next step and will also build her self-esteem. (adulting 101, my kids are grown)
To help people is good; to help people to find God is best.
I will pray for both of you.
Thanks so much, Brother. I know the fault is mine, because my walk with the LORD is basically on life-support, so I’m not exactly in a place to call her out on anything spiritual. I’ve always been a people-pleaser–even after I got saved, I still believe I need people to like me for them to see Jesus in me and respond to the Gospel–so I keep telling her to treat my place like “home”. Unfortunately, I’m learning how she acts at “home”, and it seems she’s getting a bit too comfy (even though she’s always saying how bad she feels about being here and me doing so much for her). She says she’s saving money for her own place, but she’s also buying beer and cigarettes (she has to smoke outside; I live in a non-smoking condo complex), as well as stupid stuff from online marketplaces “because I’ve had a hard time and I deserve something nice.” She also keep buying stuff for me, even though I’ve told her flat out to please stop–I’ve got more stuff than I need and I’m trying to downsize. Thank you for praying for both of us.
This part time worker and part time drunk has lived rent free since last August.
I think its time you got a grip on your life, so you can start helping your freeloader.
Are you a regular church attender? yes or no. If No start. Unless you are a shift working you have no excuse for not attending church, so use ChristianityExplored’s web site to find a strong evangelical church and start going, that is this week.
Start building up your Christian faith with daily bible readings and prayer time,.
Next for your freeloader. Talk to her about her plans for both full time work and for getting her own place to stay?
Also point out how long she has stayed ’ rent free '. Talk about paying rent and share of bills. Do your homework, can you sublet, take in a tennent? If you can’t legally charge rent there is still share of bills and house work etc to provide rent.
Once you have made some friends in your new church, or if you already have friends in the church you regularly attend, talk about instead of getting drunk come and give me a critic of this service/come and meet my friends.
Point of this is to give you a kick up the backside to live as a Christian and to do the same for your freeloader.
Sometime we need to be shaken up and challenged.