Blindwatchmaker (That handle makes more sense to me now)
You said:
“But it misses something fundamental: I was not seeking a God I believed in. I was hoping to believe. “
Ahhh, you were, as you say, not “seeking” but “hoping to believe”, because, as you say, “I was told that belief might come if I prayed, surrendered, opened myself.” Even from my thickheadedness, I think I can see where the train jumped the track. Unfortunately, now you confess, “My own search has long since settled, and I’m at peace.” What am I to do with that?
I hear you when you suggest you are currently on a personal crusade, prompted by care and concern for those who have not ended their search, to battle the perceived cruelty of Christians who demonstrate heartless animosity towards those who they consider “ungifted”. Am I close? I can’t disagree with you. I have perceived the same thing. You get no disagreement from me on that front.
But where does that leave us. Your search has ended; you are “at peace”, you say. There are others who are being hurt as you were, but candidly, how can you and I make any inroads into resolving those infractions in this forum? I cannot really speak for the motives or actions of other people; why they say the things they say, or do the things they do. I admit, Christianity is definitely not a club of unerring people, nor is it an organization of people who have successfully overcome their humanity. Christianity is made up of people, that’s about it. There are obviously some differences (many of which are unseen), but the outward similarities between Christians and the rest of the world are even more obvious. I confess, I am among the erring throng.
I can see where the train jumped the proverbial track, but because you confess no authority from the recorded words of God (through prophets) the words of Jesus (gospels), or the words of first century disciples, (epistles), I won’t offer any here. Frankly, I don’t really have much else to offer that you might trust. Clearly God uses His word to open the ears of people to His truth. If God’s words are not trusted, then the train is already off the track before the journey begins.
From my perspective, all the word of God (How God has revealed Himslf to mankind) points to the redemptive work of Jesus (Messiah, anointed one). From Genesis to Revelation God explains, in our personal language, His rescue plan for mankind. “Redemptive” implies that something needed paid for; something was lost that needed saved something was broken that needed repaired. What might that be? You profess a clean heart in your sincere efforts at “hoping to believe". I don’t doubt you, I accept your personal point of view, but that is precisely where the train jumps the track. The bold message of God’s word is that every man who ever lived is guilty of unholiness (being imperfect, ungodly, self-centered, independent, autonomous, etc.), me, you, and everyone else. That self-satisfying, autonomous, independent nature of man is not his friend, and is not in his best interest, it has never served him well, but has actually caused his death! (Spiritual death = unable to have any relationship with Holy God). It, collectively called “sin” is what has seperated mankind from his own holy creator. The impure have no access to the purity of God, and everyone is impure. Pretty hopeless, Huh? You, me and everyone else, unworthy of a relationship with the eternal; you might say we are all guilty without recourse. There is no “good enough. Pretty good may be ok for a pretty good judge, but only perfect holiness is acceptable for a relationship with a holy judge.
Coming to God with a deal in your hand, or a list of requirements, or well reasoned excuses, or logical justifications, or anything but total surrender is man’s way, and completely unacceptable. Unacceptable not because God has set the standard impossibly high, but unacceptable in that coming that way brings unholiness into the presence of holiness, and that will never occur. Anything short of men replacing confident self-sufficiency with personal abasement, sincere surrender, which manifests as a heartfelt belief in personal need, a deeply held want for a savior, does nothing to gain anyone an audience with God. Inotherwords, comint to God with anything else but an honest acceptance of our own unworthiness is untrue, and unwelcome in His presence. Be true, or stay out. But those who come to God must first believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. Reward? What reward? The reward is Jesus, the prefect substitutionary sacrifice for your own unholiness. God is not just willing to forgive you, he doesn’t just say "Aw, Fa-get-a-bout-it”. No sir. God’ forgiveness was costly to God, The perfect God was willing to sacrifice Himself to man’s cruelty, (a cruel death) to justly reward an uneserving you because of His great love for you.
This is the gate through which you must submit yourself before you can ever restart your journey of “hoping to believe”, should you decide to do so. No amount of personal sacrifice or sincerity in fulfilling certain efforts could ever provide even the slightest payment for the hopeless situation we all found ourselves in. Only Holy God Himself could provide a sufficient payment, His holiness for our unholiness, through the death of the only Holy One. Holiness and Justice demand it. This is also the gate through which any of those poor souls, who have been so illtreated, and poorly shepherded by Christians must pass before they can hope to begin their journey of a full relationship with their own creator. You love them? Help lead them to this gate! The best way (actually the only way) you can help them is to lead them through yourself.
If you are interested in dropping everything outside the gate, and walking through it naked, needy and contrite, there is welcome for you on the other side. On the other side your understanding will begin.
Hoping for your renewed search.
KP