Have been in hosp a year, because of terror of hell

Theology
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I live with an overwhelming terror and dread, that God will send me to hell, ever since i ended a pregnancy with a boy, at age about 31 years. For about 25 years, I got over it, and lived a great life with my antiques business and career in media. Am now 64 years, and it came back and hit me at the beginning of this year, and i have only just last week come home after spending almost a year in hosp, on the mental health ward, diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression.

I am now wondering, if the meaning of the death of Godā€™s only son, is that my unborn son was the sacrifice I made ??? Is he now in Godā€™s world with God ??? And will he forgive me and save me one day ??? Because Christ is a ā€œpersonalā€ saviour, and i often wonder, if every woman finds her own personal Christ, in a real life person in this world ??? Because the verse in new testament ā€¦ ā€œand women shall be saved by childbearingā€ ā€¦ always haunted me, all thru my teens, because I knew I didnā€™t want to go thru it, and was always terrified of going to hell for this2.

So I am asking ā€¦ will God forgive me ??? or is it my unborn son i need to forgive me ??? Or did i throw away my saviour, when i threw away my free gift from god, my unborn son of God ???

Am very tormented, and dont know if anyone here can grasp the concept I am trying to explain or not ??? Or maybe it is me who is putting all the pieces of the puzzle together, the wrong way ???

But nobody could imagine the terror i go thru, with my whole body trembling, my head dizzy, sickness in tummy, and not being able to sleep for 60 hours at times, which my dr says is classic anxiety symptoms.

Immediately after I did what I did, when i was 31, I ended up running country roads, miles, barefoot, blinded by terror of hell. My shoes broke, so i flung them, and i cast my handbag into a hedge, with all my cash and bank cards and documents for ID. I felt like Judas, casting his 30 pieces of silver away, when he realised what he had done.

I got so close to Christ before i did it. i connected with movies, and songs, and was sensitive to the Christian parable, in most of the great movies and love songs. But i feel like i failed at the final fence, and that we only get one chance at it ???

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I want you to look/listen at this @EMURRAY612

J.

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I believe yes, there is no doubt. It was not his choice to be killed, and he never had a chance to sin. A child does not know Sin. They cannot be held accountable for doing something when we do not know that what we are doing is Sin.

Inā€¦

James 4:17

ā€œSo whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.ā€

If you do not yet know the difference between good and evil, then how can you be held accountable?

Deuteronomy 1:39

ā€œAnd as for your little ones, who you said would become a prey, and your children, who today do not know of good or evil, they shall go in there. And to them I will give it, and they shall possess it.

ā€œYour children, who today do not know of good or evil,ā€ Then in Isaiah 7:16

ā€œFor before the boy knows how to refuse the evil and choose the good, the land whose two kings you dread will be deserted.ā€

ā€œFor before the boy knows how to refuse the evil and choose the good,ā€ So we see that there is clearly a time in life when we are excused. That we are innocent. Without knowledge of good and evil, just like Adam and Eve.

A child is the same way. They have no hate, fear, greed, or anything else. They do not know good and evil. Right and wrong. They simply are. Then, if you add to this that they were not even born yet, you can clearly see that this is before the age of accountability.

As for this?

Absolutely not. There is only ONE way to God, and that is through Jesus. He and he alone is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Will he be there when you get there? Yes, will he forgive you? No, he does not have to. If you are there, that means that Jesus forgave you. It will be done.

Peter

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Both Moses and David were murderers. We are all sinful. It is the love of Christ that is so much greater than all our sin.

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I am sorry that you live in fear of Gods justice and that as a result you are suffering from anxiety and depression.

Are you a Christian?@

By that I donā€™t mean white middle class, church attender, but someone who has confessed their sinful nature to Jesus, said they are sorry, accepted Jesusā€™s forgiveness and reconciliation with God.

If you have done this then your sins, ALL of them are forgiven, All your Sins, not some of them, ALL of them.

Please read J1ohn1:**9 **If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Note, jt says Jesus will forgive us and purify us, what means you.

Rather than wallow in guilt try praising and thanking God for his amazing love in saving us from the consquences of our actions.

read and think about what Jude says:- **24 **To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joyā€” **25 **to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.

reread the bit in bold and think what it means.

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I beleive you refer to

1 Timothy 2:15
New International Version says
ā€˜But women[a] will be saved through childbearingā€”if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.ā€™

the [a] refers to a notation about the greek translation that woman could also be read as wife.

Many scholars have trouble translating this verse.

A better translation isā€¦

Easy-to-Read Version
ā€˜But women will be saved in their work of having children. They will be saved if they continue to live in faith, love, and holiness with sensible behavior.ā€™

Reardless of how you read it, the following supercedes itā€¦

Matthew 11:28
Easy-to-Read Version
ā€˜Come to me all of you who are tired from the heavy burden you have been forced to carry. I will give you rest.ā€™

:people_hugging:

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hi peter ā€¦ you quoted james 4:17, which said ā€¦ so whoever knows the right thing to do, and fails to do it, for him it is sin xx this frightens me, because i knew right from wrong, and knew the right thing to do, was let the pregnancy go ahead, but i still ended it, fully knowingly xx

people think i am worried about the kid, but am not at all, because the kid is safe, it is myself i am frightened for, because i am frightened either the kid will blame me, or god will blame me ???

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thank you so much for responding to my post xx you asked ā€¦ are you a christian ??? and yes, i felt like i found my salvation, and saw the light, at the tender age of 14 years, while watching the old movie, jesus of nazareth, with robert powell playing christ, when i broke down in tears and wept, at the sight of christ struggling up the hill, carrying the heavy cross, and how he suffered xxx

after that, all i ever wanted to do, was spend my whole life doing his work, and bringing as many as i could to know of him and his great love xxx at age 16, i wanted to commit myself to a monastery, but dad raged, and said he had never heard such madness xxx

but was always very sensitive in my adult life, to even the most remote christian parable, in any movie, or anything remotely biblical in any song or literature xx

but christ talked about the cornerstone that the builders rejected, and tho i know in theology that he was referring to himself, i cannot help feeling that i missed the whole point, and put the cart before the horse, and rejected the cornerstone, the whole story of an innocent babe being born into the world, which might have turned out to be the most important stone of all, and the salvation that my faith had been built on, since i was age 14 ???

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yes, i have tried praising god, and i do thank him for any small mercy or blessing that he sends my way, and also share with other folk i know here, about the little unexpected blessings, and seeming coincidences that happen, that are just too much to be coincidence, but can only be god at work in my life xx but cannot truthfully thank him for being saved, because this cannot be just words, but needs to come from the heart / gut, and when the anxiety as they call it, or the terror, hits me and overwhelms me, i simply dont ā€œfeelā€ saved, nor safe xxx

and yes, i have confessed to him, and asked for forgiveness, but it seems like ā€¦ only words ā€¦ and either too easy, or at the same time, too hard xx i feel that it needs something more than this from my side ??? i am left wondering about true repentance, what it means, and if i have truly repented at all, for what i did, nor if it is even possible for me to repent ??? because when put in the same position, in various different ways, ever since, i still always prove the same thing ā€¦ that i never did and still dont want a kid or kids xx so does repentace mean that one day before i die, i have to reach the point that i will tell god that i would wish i had a child ?? and is this the only true repentance ??/

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EMURRAY61, I tapped the heart under your post in order to show some empathy for you, not to say that I like what you are going through. I donā€™t like your misery at all.

Unfortunately, my eyesight comes and goes,and since reading most of what you wrote, my sight has deteriorated (it does this for a while, without warning, thĆ©n returns in time). I will try to answer you anyway, to a point ā€“ if I can.

First of all, GOD sends no one to hell! We send ourselves there, if we go there, by our own choices. The way to GOD is provided by HIM. HE provides no way to hell. We provide our own way to hell by ourselves, by refusing HIS provided way to heaven. We are in complete control of that way, not HIM.

With regard to seeking forgiveness for killing your unborn son, GOD does not list abortion as an unforgivable sin. HE forgives that for those who bring their hearts, broken over their abortions, to HIM, with that sorrow for their actions and with full decisions not to abort again.. GOD desires a solid, developing relationship with you!! HE loves you, and upon forgiving you, HE forgets that you ever sinned. HEforgets it forever. You never have to worry about it again, then.

When you meet your little boy in heaven, then, you can be forgiven by him. And that little sweetie will forgive you. For now, he is with ADONAI, unaware of it all

Matthew 12:31

(My eyesight has returned!)

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all you have to do is ask for forgiveness, jesus died on a cross for yours and my sins, you knowing you were sinning or not doesnt change the fact that he died on that cross and by you asking for forgiveness is good enough. You do not have to change your mind about having a child in order to be forgiven. It is as simple as asking for forgiveness and believing. So the question is do you believe in our Father? And do you believe that jesus died on that cross for you, and rose from the dead? Than it is that simple, your sins are forgiven and you should live life like it had never happend. Forgive and forget, move on and live your life to its fullest my sister you have nothing to worry about.:folded_hands:

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Romans 10:9 is the simplest explanation of salvation. There are many sinnerā€™s prayers, confessing and repenting. From all you have said it seems you do not trust that yes, God has forgiven you and has taken this burden for you. (Matthew 11:28-30). ā€œCast your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you.ā€ (Psalm 55:22)

Iā€™m not a psychologist but have you forgiven yourself? God loves you and wants to heal you, body, mind, spirit. While i canā€™t feel what you feel, we are all sinners, but Godā€™s grace by faith in Jesus has saved us.

Iā€™m praying for you.

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Repentance is turning away from the sin thatā€™s confessed. Meaning, no longer committint the sin.

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@Emurray612 What a heart-wrenching testimony!

But you can have great hope, because the answer is simple! Now, itā€™s not easy. Donā€™t suppose that for a minute, because you have some ground to cover, but the end is in sight and itā€™s a sure solution.

The problem is in two parts. 1. You believe a lot of things that are NOT true. Okay? You need to accept that - a lot of the things that you believe are not true, but you are afraid that they are true, or they might be true. And 2. You donā€™t know a lot of things that ARE true that you really need to know and believe.

One of the first things to learn so that you can be free of this forever - the truth is the same for everybody. Okay? You donā€™t have your own truth, as is being taught today.

READ YOUR BIBLE!!!

Just a bit every day. Read it, or listen on audiobook or however. Donā€™t worry you have the proper book or chapter or whatever for your problems, just be consistent. The Word of God IS truth! All of it! And as you read, you will begin to displace the lies you believe with the truth that you should believe.

And thatā€™ā€™s the final key - BELIEVE EVERY WORD!! Pray to God that He will help you at every step, and donā€™t get distracted with all the baloney that you have gotten in the habit of being afraid of. Force your mind, with Godā€™s help, to focus in on the truth of Godā€™s word.

Make this your daily exercise, and you will find that it gets easier, and better, and safer, and clearer as you go. Let me be clear - this isnt an opinion! This is a solution! If you have questions about what youā€™re reading, you have a readymade resource to come and ask questions. Bring your questions here, and we will try to help!

Please let us know how you are doing!!

Your brother

PS - Just a suggestion, the Gospel of John is a good place to start! Or any of the Gospels really.

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Wow let me take this one if you donā€™t mind Iā€™m pretty sure I have your answers and I could if you please shine my light I would show thee the answer thru the word written for you and for me!!

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Sometimes being sorry can feel as mere words, but in ones centre of feeling does one feel sorry, does one mean them?

Then there is the question of just how do we believe Gods words?

Did Jesus really mean John3:15 etc etc

Was Paul correct when he said in Romans 10:: **9 **If you declare with your mouth, ā€œJesus is Lord,ā€ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. **10 **For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. **11 **As Scripture says, ā€œAnyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.ā€ **12 **For there is no difference between Jew and Gentileā€”the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, **13 **for, ā€œEveryone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.ā€

If God can be trusted and I believe he can, then it is a case of trusting him and of turning feelings of doubt and mistrust into praise and thanks giving.

Remember God knows your true feelings, we can be totally honest with him and it is God who saves, not the intensity of our regrets or our desires .