During a sermon about marriage, my pastor told the congregation that women should never tell her husband no when it comes to sex. He followed with stating that he meant absolutely never & would probably make people mad. Well, I am mad. I was raped at the age of 16. Later in life I was in a marriage where saying no (to anything in the bedroom) was not allowed. My child was conceived by forced intercourse & during the divorce process (w/ an active domestic restraining order) my now ex- husband raped me one final time. My sister heard me screaming in the house next door & walked in while he was assaulting me. Years later I am in what I would consider a pretty healthy relationship apart from one big issue-if I say no, my husband gets angry. Now, after THAT sermon, if I say no, my husband gets angry. I’m never allowed to say not tonight, which is not a regular occurrence. If I say I don’t want to do a specific “thing” he wants to do, he gets angry. He reminds me that, biblically speaking, I cannot tell him no, which crushes my spirit. It’s not just in the bedroom. I get berated any time I do not want to do what he wants me to do & say no. I don’t think this is what God had in mind. I should have the right to say no, right?
That is a fair question. Glad to see you are in a better marriage.
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.”
Notice this is mutual, not one-sided. This verse is unique for its time because it places the husband and wife on equal footing. It doesn’t give the husband “ownership” over the wife; it says they both yield authority to each other.
The intent is to prevent “withholding” as a weapon or a means of control, which can cause bitterness and temptation. Ephesians 5 teaches this.
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” Ephesians 5:22-27
While 1 Corinthians speaks to the “duty,” Ephesians 5:25–28 defines the manner in which a husband should treat his wife: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.”
If a husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church, he would never demand or coerce sex. Christ’s love is sacrificial, not demanding. If a spouse is tired, stressed, ill, or emotionally hurting, the “biblical” response from the other spouse is to provide comfort and care, not to demand a “right.”
The Bible does not contain the word “consent” in the modern legal sense, but it speaks extensively about the heart. * 1 Corinthians 13:5 says love “is not self-seeking.”
Galatians 5:13 warns not to use freedom as an excuse to indulge the flesh, but to “serve one another humbly in love.” There is a vast difference between a “biblical ideal” or where a couple seeks to please each other regularly, and “biblical obligation,” which is where one person is forced against their will. Scripture does not support coercion. Hope this helps.
Peter
1Co 7:3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
1Co 7:4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
Benevolence = eunoia = kindness
There does not seem to be much kindness on either party. Striving to get what one wants indicates a great deal of selfishness (the flesh). This would indicate an absence of biblical love (selflessness) You both might benefit from attempting Christian maturity which is coming to the selfless love of Christ-likeness.
2Co 5:15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.
“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Eph 5:33
I’ve always found this verse fascinating. It doesn’t say that the wife should love her husband; although that is implied, and it doesn’t say the husband should respect his wife; although that is also implied in the surrounding verses. What it does say is that men and women are different with different needs and what is important to them.
Putting aside the blurring and confusion of genders in today’s society, men’s needs and women’s need do differ. Men need to feel respected more so than women do. It’s in their nature. Women need to feel loved and protected more so than men. That also is in their nature. If a women truly feels loved by her husband and knows that her welfare is his utmost concern, she will respect his decisions because she knows she comes first. If a husband is truly respected by his wife, he will love her and cherish her and consider her in all his decisions. So it works out beautifully with each partner giving their spouse what they need most.
If there’s no respect, he will struggle to love and if there’s no love, she will struggle to respect. You need both.