ideas on starting over? divorce/kid/baby on way/major regret

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dislcaimer: this is all feeling like a huge vent, so please excuse the randomness and stuff. i just like the way the people here make me feel so i brought my emotions here. so yeah, i dont know the right category for this.

please move this topic if needed, i dont know what is the best one, marriage or parenting or prayer or whatever. im not necessarily asking for prayer. just in the middle of desperate feelings and want someone to care. even if all you do is give a “heart” reaction. maybe someone can relate. im really upset with myself.

fast-forward to what JUST happened, skipping most context. was laying in bed just now, started with just relaxing because of typical day chasing a toddler and feeling burned out, typical parent stuff, plus im 3 months pregnant so a little less energy for it all. but as is typical lately, laying down and relaxing led to thoughts that, this time, got me feeling really riled up. i stood up going “ARG” and went straight here in tears just needing to talk to someone.

im really tempted to try to talk to an old guy friend who was always there for me, but i cant. he is “partner” with some girl of 13 years and they have a 1 year old now. he talked to me one time to help me feel less alone, but its not right to keep that going. he is totally willing to text and offer technical help- like trying to get me in touch with whatever guy i can think of- but he’s so disconnected from our old lives that he doesnt talk to most of those people anymore. so all my options dried up and theres no reason to contact him anymore without making it obvious that i still want his help in an emotional sense. i could get it from him, but my values tell me to stay away. im so sad. i never liked him in the past. he was always just a “friend” back in the old days. he was always in love with me or whatever but there were a few shallow reasons i didnt want him ever, after all those years being friends hanging out off and on. after our one phone conversation recently, after we hadnt talked in over a decade, suddenly i felt i love him. i dont know how genuine that is. i am in a really precarious position. but talking to him in his new life, made me realize fully how i did the typical thing in the past, where a girl skips all the “nice guys,” settles down with a jerk, and is past 30 now and realizing that “nice” is WAY better than “hot but deceiving.” so, i realize im caught up in emotions over my situation, but yeah, i felt now that i could love him, and its way too late. i cant have him now. im glad hes happy. im glad he found someone who sticks around and gives him a son and spends her life with him. he deserves it. im eating the bitter fruit of being shallow for all those years. i would be happy with him. but its too late.

so in general, im SO MAD at myself. i know my situation isnt impossible, there is light ahead, but i hate where i am. i got married 9 years ago, thinking this sets my life unless something crazy happens. we have a 2 year old, and just weeks before i filed for divorce, i apparently conceived. i thought i miscarried it weeks ago, and was sorta relieved, even though id wanted a sibling for my existing child. it just seemed, more than anything, a terrible situation for a baby to be born into. but now i realized the other day that im still pregnant completely. so my new plans for focusing on my current child, are having to change. i must rely on my ex more than id wanted to. and i started reconsidering leaving him. but i really dont think i can. i am so torn. i cannot trust him. even if certain behaviors improve- hes going to start seeing a counselor- it wont tell me anything about what to expect if another attractive girl wants his attention in the future. even if hes nicer to me, hes still susceptible to other women. i know now, that he only rejects advances if he doesnt find the girl attractive. usually, due to his baldness and such, he doesnt get a lot of attention, and pretends to hate when he thinks someone gives him attention. but ive seen in real life how he ACTUALLY reacts when someone cute is in his presence. so i dont trust him. and yeah, he is treating me badly whenever the notion strikes him, but even if that is fixed through therapy, i cant trust him. i dont think i can do this.

so, i hate what ive done, i messed up completely, this is half my fault because i knew going into this that he wasnt to be trusted. i just stupidly wanted to believe him when he said he would fix everything for me. no one had ever seemed so sincere nor serious about me before. so i believed him. i was 28, thought id seen enough, and went with it. i regret it now. i have the most beautiful child, and had looked forward to having more beautiful babies with him. but im devastated now. so much is so tainted. i know my story isnt over. i know God provides hope and a life ahead. but im in the thickness of my despair right now. needed some flesh to listen. so thank you for whatever you might say. i have to get out of the past. i have to move forward. its hard to know how. i believe in staying home with your babies as a woman. i have such an incredible child and i know it greatly has to do with her getting to have so much of me instead of being shunted off to some other care most hours of the day. but when i cant really rely on this man, how am i supposed to do that? i will not marry some rich guy just for his money. and theres not a lot of support for someone in my position. i can apply for public benefits, but its not a lot, and i could get into "project’ housing, but thats not a good place for my child. i feel so stuck, unable to start a good job, and guarantee goodness for my kids. theres an answer out there but im just sad and hating myself at the moment. thanks for listening.

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I will pray for your situation, but as a disciple, I can only offer this: Adultery and divorce never produce good fruit; your babies will suffer the most. A godly woman is the holiness of an ungodly man. Place your trust in the Lord and get healing for your marriage.

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the marriage has hurt my baby already. marriage continued, is not always the answer. i am a firm believer in sticking it out through thick and thin. but not everyone wants to heal from their own problems, and watching his actions hurt my child as well, were part of why i decided this is likely not worth continuing.

and i did not commit adultery. thanks for your prayers.sfv

for a clearer example, not my own, but let me ask you this: when a husband wont stop beating his wife, though she is patient for years, do we really recommend she “gets healing” at that point for her marriage, or do we recommend she gets away to save her life? its insulting to act like the divorce itself is what will ruin her kids. ive sought healing for my marriage for many years, and we officially broke up already. so talking to another guy, is not off the table. now its a matter of, do i take him back? i am almost ashamed to have such thoughts, because of how abusive he’s been. im scared of starting a life without him. when i thought i lost this baby, i had plans for how i can move forward, but now with a newborn coming, that complicates things, so im scared again. but it doesnt make it right to take back the person whos been ruining my life and ONLY seeks professional help when im already out the door after years of forgiveness and patience and making my own adjustments. i feel so insulted that after all ive suffered for the sake of the sanctity of marriage, he clearly doesnt treat it the same way. it was all worth it, but now, after whats happened lately, all my sacrifice suddenly isnt worth it. it was a mistake. i dont want my daughter to suffer and believe that this is how a marriage should be. i want her to have a better example, even if it means being alone. anyway. just theres so much to it, and sorry, i am hurt by your response, because it really diminishes the seriousness of what im facing. just want to make it clear, i never wanted to do this, im just doing damage control at this point. my parents are still together, none of my grandparents ever divorced, and im horrified that ive been down the path of realizing divorce could actually be better than continuing to go downhill via someone whos supposed to lift me up. my life gets worse every year because of his negligence and deception. its not healthy and he hasnt really wanted to change it. so yeah i really have doubts that counseling will lead to lasting change. theres a lot to it. please dont think im being willy nilly about it, its not as simple as divorce hurting my child, when the alternative could lead her to a destructive path as it is.

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Two things stand out. You do not mention your faith much and you seem particularly blown about by feelings.

If you and your ex are both Christian, it may be worth exploring reconciliation. Many Christian marriages are severely impacted by immaturity. The solution for both is to grow in faith.

Humans are all born helpless, ignorant, and selfish. Christians are supposed to transition from the flesh (selfishness) to walking by the Spirit in the selfless love of Christ-likeness.

If you and your ex could both mature in faith such that you think more of each other than yourselves, you might be able to build a rock solid marriage and family.

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yeah, like i said, i had a sudden moment of being really upset and wanted to reach out to fellow humans. God said Himself it isnt good for the man to be alone. He made him a helpmate. God knew that Himself wasnt all that people need for a fulfilling life. so, yes, “blown about by feelings” in the moment. my post was not intended to be representative of my overall, ongoing, usual feelings; it was a reaction to an outburst of emotion. and i think thats okay. if you look at my other postings in this site, you will see its not the norm for me. so, id ask you to please not take my post as representative of my general, ongoing state.

as for my faith, i am not the kind of person who feels its required to inject talk about God every other paragraph when describing my personal situations, for example. it doesnt mean i have a lack of faith. again if you want proof you can look at the other posts ive made. though i dont constantly mention God, it comes out when I feel moved to, which does happen often; just not in this instance. it doesnt signify a significant lack or anything.

ive done this for years. i feel patronized by your post. i dont know how else to explain that ive been pursuing putting our pieces together for years now. i am not saying its totally impossible, but your emphasis shows that you think ive seriously disregarded that option, which is not true- ive reached the end of a rope, and scared to cross to the other side, wanting to make sure im making the right decision one way or another.

dude you are assuming things about me. even my husband himself says he is the problem here. its not that i dont present ANY problems, everyone does of course, in any relationship. but as far as ruining the marriage, he takes full credit for that willingly. this isnt about pointing blame, its about dealing with the problem at hand thats ruining things, and he is the only one who can do something about himself, and wouldnt. hard to believe that he actually would do it now. thats the problem. not me. im not perfect, but im not the one who has control over the ruinous problem.

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if you wanted to hear affirmation that divorce was your best option, you should have said so. It sounded like you were just expressing your frustrations. Often a solution to frustration can be found internal. If you feel that you cannot improve in your walk of faith, that your husband cannot improve, or that no one can give you godly counsel, then your path is already set.

A path to improvement is open to you and your husband if you are both Christian and can recognize what it is within you that needs improvement. If you feel that no change is needed or possible, you may not understand the power God can use with those who are willing.

It is difficult to hear strong words. It can cause one to get defensive or angry. However, sometimes truth can be so painful as one sees no other option than to reject it. If you look in a mirror and see someone who is so like Christ that no improvement is needed, then all the pain and discomfort you feel can be laid at the feet of others. While others may also be in need of improvement, one can always start with oneself.

Seeking affirmation usually means wanting to feel good over facing truth. If you life is driven by feelings, you will find you can get into all sorts of trouble. If you can take an honest look at yourself and in humility come to the Lord for his work in you, you might become an example for others to follow.

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First, please feel free to vent anytime. I’m so glad you came here to share your feelings instead of keeping everything bottled up inside. Your tears, anger, and burnout are completely valid. Chasing a two-year-old while three months pregnant is exhausting, especially when your marriage is in trouble. That is an unimaginable weight to bear.

Please stop beating yourself up over the past. You made the best decisions you could at 28 with the wisdom you had. God is not condemning you for your past choices, and you shouldn’t punish yourself either. Romans 8:1 reminds us that “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” God is not sitting in heaven judging your choices from ten years ago. First, take a deep breath. You are carrying a lot of guilt right now, but please remember this: you are allowed to be exhausted, and you are allowed to grieve. God does not view you with anger or disappointment over your past; He sees a tired, hurting mother. Give yourself the grace that He is already extending to you. He is a God of redemption, and your story is far from over.

It’s understandable why your heart craved the safety of your old friend. When the present feels terrifying, our minds often seek refuge in the past. However, you demonstrated incredible integrity and strength by choosing not to cross that line. That takes real character.

Regarding your marriage and this new pregnancy, take it one day at a time. This baby is not a mistake; it is not an accident or a punishment. God knew about this child, and although the timing may feel overwhelming, this baby is a blessing, even amidst difficult circumstances. You don’t need to figure out the next eighteen years tonight; just focus on today.

If your husband is going to counseling, let him do that work. You don’t have to rush into a decision about whether to stay or leave until you have clarity and feel safe. God has a plan for this little one, even in the midst of this storm. You don’t need to make a permanent decision right now. Prioritize your peace and focus on your health.

You are a wonderful mom. Your daughter is thriving because of your love. God sees your desire to protect and raise your children, and He promises to provide a way, even when you can only see obstacles. Your love for your toddler is profound, and your wish to be there for your children is beautiful. Although the road ahead may seem like a dead end, please trust that God can provide in ways you can’t yet see—whether through a remote job, support from a local church, or unexpected community resources. You are not stuck; you are just in the middle of a tough time right now. You are not alone; you are cared for, and it will be okay. Take it one day and one step at a time.
Peter