Lord,
When I was young, I learned that the world was unsafe. There were monsters watching me from the shadows at night, in the closet and under the bed. And my mom would hold me to keep me safe.
Then one day I learned that monsters could also be the ones we loved, the ones we thought we could trust. And I became very afraid.
To feel safe, I had to take control. I had to guard against everything that would hurt me. I held back, withheld my all, and watched instead of playing and engaging and trying to succeed. I froze inside of me. I became a peace maker, a people pleaser, and I lost a piece that was just for me. I withheld choices based on what others wanted.
They could not hurt me if I was not fully there. Some days I felt nothing. I stayed up late to be exhausted to make life seem like a haze. They could not hurt me if I was not there.
All choices became monumental. Always asking myself, is this safe? Is this going to hurt me?
It stole my Joy. It took my Peace. It robbed me of my ability to choose freely and effectively what was truly good for me, for my life. Friendships, love, social gatherings that I could not be fully present for. Instead I walked around, cringing inside, wrapped up tight.
Even now when I pick up food in the grociery store, I still hear that voice in the back of my mind, telling me, “that’s going to hurt you, poison you, make you sick”. And everything has a rule. Everything must be done just right. Anything that threatens change, threatens to take me over, or disrespects my boundaries, my choices, I have this urge to attack and fight.
Lord, I release the need to CONTROL this life, my life, the lives of others, everything that is going on around me. All of this chaos that just seems to be growing and growing and growing beyond anyone’s ability to control it.
Lord I release the FEAR that tells me that I need to CONTROL EVERYTHING. I release these things and I let them go.
And I make room for your Holy Spirit to fill this space. Please fill this space.
Fill this space with a LOVE that allows me to rest, to put down my weapons, let loose my guard. A LOVE that allows me to just be me. And a GRACE that allows me to make a mistake, to fall, to fail, to stumble, without the fear that life will be ruined forever, or the fear that the ones I love will leave me or be taken away from me.
A LOVE and GRACE that will overflow from me and my life so that others can also experience them through me.
And I surrender all the things I cannot control. The outcome of my choices, the choices of others even if those choices invade my space, or hurt me in some way. I release these things into your hands and ask that I have more FAITH in YOU. That YOU will bring me through this to see better days. That YOU can use anything for my best good. That YOU are a loving Father who will never abandon me.
In the name of Jesus Christ I pray.
Amen