When I was younger, I had a habit of dwelling on negative thoughts and feelings. It began naturally and unintentionally as a consequence of living in a sinful broken world and interacting with sinful broken people.
Every rejection, every rude encounter, every failure and heartbreak proved I was right about the way I saw the world, how I felt about the world, and how I felt about myself. And by “the world,” I mean everything that exists including the Christian Church. Even my understanding and perception of God was affected.
I told myself that I did not matter. I said, “No one will ever love me because I am unlovable. I will never succeed. I will never achieve anything. I am a victim. I have been treated unfairly. I cannot trust anyone.” Over and over again.
And from there, the darkness grew. Every rejection, every hurtful moment, every failure, I would grind my mind into these thoughts like teeth into sore gums. As much as it hurt, I kept doing it more and more into my teen years because it was somehow giving me something back. The anger, the resentment, it was growing inside of me.
And it made me feel powerful. I became mean, an outsider, a rebel. I wanted to destroy the system, I wanted to rip into people who I saw as the enemy and tell them how worthless and unnecessary they were…
From this dark place in the seat of my heart. I even wrote a story about this Great Darkness that was Conscious and Desires to silence the world and snuff out the light forever. It was looking for people to use and manipulate to bring great harm to others and it focussed on a teen who ultimately chooses to kill himself rather than be twisted into a killer because he saw no other way to escape the influence of this Darkness. The story won the 1st level of a 3 level contest. No one ever asked if I was okay or if I might need help.
As I grew in Christ, this way of thinking was challenged by His Teachings. And while I became kinder in some ways and began seeing the world through His Eyes, I still had this recording of mantras playing in the back of my mind. And this anger was still sitting deep inside me, hiding.
Then came the day when I fell in love with someone who truly wrecked havoc on my heart and mind. I entered therapy to understand and heal what had happened. And at the guidance of a young counselor I learned the power of positive thinking.
Phillipians 4:8 says,
…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
And you may think of this as just a suggestion of the Apostle Paul, but I am telling you there is power and blessing in doing this.
The occasional negative thought or feeling is normal and healthy to have. They inform our life experiences and are there for us to process, to accept, express and release. But we are not meant to live there.
When we interpret the world through a lens of constant fear, guilt, shame, rage, unforgiveness, grief, and hurt, we lose sight of Truth and God. We forsake relationship and all things nourishing.
And to counter that, I have learned to focus on the good even if it does not feel comfortable or true- I focus on it until it does. “I am safe, I am loved, my life is in God’s hands. I will succeed because God has given me everything I need to push through. If I should fail, God’s LOVE remains constant and provides a way forward.” And I repeat over and over again a hundred plus times these words or whatever words will directly counter the negative thought or feeling that has taken a grip in that moment. This is how I fought to free my mind and rewire it.
Not long ago, I went back to rewrite that story and give it a new ending, but I could not do it. I had changed too much. As I sat at the kitchen table with my laptop I drew a complete blank. So I began remembering and focusing in on how I felt as a teen. I filled my mind with all of those old negative thoughts and feelings and just ran them through my mind over and over again. For maybe fifteen minutes I focussed on it, until finally the light bulb in the lamp above my head suddenly blew out. I have not tried it again.
“Goodness makes the badness go away. Goodness makes you happy every day. Badness cannot start if there is Goodness in your heart. Goodness makes the badness go away.” From The Smurfs Christmas Special, sung by the Smurfs with children and Gargamel to fight an evil entity.
“Resist the devil and he will flee.” James 4:7