My husband and I have been together for around 4 yrs and married for less than a year. There has been a lot of stress in our relationship from his daughter (with a little girl) going through a divorce and calling him for everything from watching his granddaughter, while she gets her nails done to driving across town to walk her dog. She is manipulative and expected him to do almost everything she ask and says that he should want to do things “out of love” for her and her daughter. She has even called and wanted him to watch her daughter so her x husband couldn’t pick her up from day care. Then his brother died from an overdose, and no one helped him with anything but me (cleaning out his house and making all the funeral arrangements, then his niece moved in with us for over a month but didn’t want her kids full time so my husband picked up the kids and took them home (and hour and a half each way) every weekend for 5 months. We started having huge arguments due to my husband’s contently making choices that put our relationship on the back burner. For instance, he left me on a Thanksgiving holiday to take his daughter and granddaughter to see his other daughter in another state (I could not go because my dog that I had for 15 yrs was dying). Then on my last birthday, I ask him if he could just take his nieces kids back early so we could do something and his reply was “well that defeats her getting to spend extra time with them”. She could have had the children full time, but she didn’t want them. We recently got into a really big argument that started because I said his daughter needed to get a backup babysitter and it escalated to where I threw a glass at the floor, my husband restrained me and then I told him if he didn’t let me go, I was going to call the police. He was being a smart-alec and said he would call for me, which he did, and they took him to jail. Now his daughters blame me and have said, "he had to choose between them and me, or he would never see his grandchildren again. We, my husband and I, are in marriage counseling and he is recognizing that he is and has been very co-dependent with his daughters. We are both ashamed of our actions that got us to that point. I pretty much have always put my husband first and done so much for his family. All of the stress in our relationship was caused by the constant drama. They have said I am not welcome to be around them and are not responding to text from my husband. My husband is now going to church with me, and I want my marriage to work but I can see the hurt in him from what his daughters are doing. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I should just leave my husband even though I know this is their choice, I still feel responsible. I now have a better understanding of why it is so important not to get a divorce and stay married to your first wife or husband. But in my husband’s case, his wife wanted the divorce.
Second marriages can be tricky and jealousy over your spouse’s time with the kids from that marriage, is always a possibility. I’m not saying jealousy is the problem here, but it’s a given that the spouse still has a responsibility to their previous relationship and this needs to be worked out. Kids are the victims in a divorce. Their nuclear family has fallen apart, but their relationship with the mom or dad needs to continue.
The only thing I can suggest is to not make a rash decision and check in with yourself what your expectations are in this marriage. Don’t make him choose between you and his kids and don’t let his kids be a reason for divorce. It’s a different situation when it’s not a first marriage. Is this something you can accept?
Thank you for your thoughts. It has not been jealously on my part at all. I actually want a relationship with his children but they have drawn a line and said that he must choose between me and them. This is his third marriage and they did the same thing with his last wife of 10 yrs. She was never allowed in their house or around them. With us, as long as he was doing what ever they wanted, things were fine. When he would say he couldn’t, then it caused problems. BTW his kids are not children that are in their late 30’s and have families of their own. I now feel guilty because I do not want to be the cause of strife between him and his daughters and even though I know it is not me that “drew a line in the sand”, it doesn’t matter. His kids were in college when he and his first wife got divorced. When he got involved with his second wife, from what he said, she made some stupid comment when she first met them and from that point on, they wanted nothing to do with her. Things that upset me were things like, one day leaving work to meet her at a storage facility because she didn’t want to go alone and then the next day when I ask him to go with me to the doctor, he couldn’t because he had to work. Or if we were out and she called and needed something, he would take me home and go over to do whatever. I again want to emphasize that I am not making him choose between me and them. Recently, I woke up and literally could not walk, had to go to urgent care because I could not even get down the stairs to let the dog out. His daughter wanted him to come over and take his granddaughter to dance lesions and when he said he couldn’t because I could not walk, she got mad. Her mother and I have become distant “friends” and she told me that their daughter is very manipulative. I don’t want there to be a distance between me and them or them and us or my husband and them. Even our marriage counselor has said they appear to be very entitled. the only thing I know to do it pray for God to intervene. But even though THEY have said he has to choose between me and them. I still feel guilty and think that they would all be happy if I were not around.
i dont have a lot of time to reply but ive been thinking about your post since i hearted it earlier. this quote of yours, was my thought that i wanted to address first. i agree. though they are an EXTREMELY high priority, its certainly not the same as when they are still children under his thumb, depending on him for their well-being completely. so it definitely affects the dynamic expected toward them, with them being grown already.
this of course shows the status quo. they did it to the last one, so their treatment of their dad’s woman is kinda set in stone now, though it can change- if he participates in the change- which is sounds like he fortunately is. obviously, its not surprising that things have started out the way they have, but youve been rightfully patient, and im really really glad that your husband is getting better at accepting that the situation is not healthy. as long as it continues on this path, i would think it can improve over time. youre only at the beginning of that process. yeah, the key is whether this continues, or if he falls back and gives in to them completely again. at that point, i wouldnt guess you have much of a chance at a lovely life with him after all. so i hope he will prove to be different with these new developments in his heart.
hard to say whether they would have hated her even if shed been good to them. it sounds like youre different and yet they still filed you away into the bad stepmom category. and even if it would just take time for them to get over the previous wife, i gotta say, they are still acting immature in ways that arent acceptable for adults in general- like expecting so much from their dad, all entitled, instead of acting grateful and trying to gain a better footing on their own as time goes. like, if ya own a dog, DONT expect others to pick up that slack! a dog is not the same as a child and she should NOT expect her dad to accommodate so much for something like that. so, though i am sorry for the trauma she faced earlier in life and still has to face daily, that is an unhealthy coping mechanism in itself. if you dont have the time, dont throw a dog in the mix, but she already did, so thats hard to take back. still shouldnt be expecting so much from dad for the time she needs with her dog.
on one hand, hes being a great father, being there for his kids as MUCH as he can. he can never get their childhood back and make it better, so youve been really understanding and not being jealous and not making him choose. but you definitely are right in feeling this has gone too far, and im glad hes starting to see it.
it sounds like counseling is new to the situation, so if you still love him, i would definitely give it at least 6 months to see if progress continues. its going to take a lot. i agree on the idea that its not so great sometimes for childless people to get with people who have kids, even grown ones, because of such divided loyalties. this one is kinda extreme. you seem kinda tired of the situation and i dont blame you. but if he stays committed to regular counseling, that teaching should keep him on track to lovingly change things with his daughters. they may never like you but the more he understands what he needs to do, the more i expect youll fall back in love with him and figure out ways to be better for his kids, even if it means doing thankless favors with nothing ever in return. your counselor can help you navigate how much is too much on your part. i really believe you guys have a GREAT shot since he is seeing the issues more clearly now. i hope and pray that things will continue to go in the proper direction, despite any setbacks. <3